The Next Breath.
The heady scent of smoke tickles my nostrils, warm and imposing I can taste it on my tongue. My eyes can see every individual mote of dust that glides through the air, making the room appear turbid. I can pay rapt attention to each perfectly syllabified word that leaves Carlisle's mouth while doing five other things. Hear the individual foot falls of my brothers and sister, pick up their excited snarling from the high of the kill- the overpowering scent of blood. In every other moment I can.
My senses are malodorous, as acute as can be, and I'm only now just realizing how much of a curse that is. I can't suck the venom out, i can't help her. In the moment that Bella needs me most, there is nothing I can do. In this moment I can't.
I do nothing but look at her form, jerking, half lifted from the floor in contortion. Nothing but feel sorry for myself- as though I'm the one suffering. I'm awkwardly positioned, the top half of my body slanting away from her, trying to escape the enticing essence of her blood, while I carefully run a single extended hand through her hair. Trying desperately to soothe her. In the next breath, I try.
Carlisle urges me to take a chance, to play Russian roulette with her life. Anyone but her.
Jasper shouts. We need to move, we need to move, we need to move. This place is going to burn down, and we'll all go with it. We need to move.
Emmett tells me to grab her, we'll figure it out when we're clear. Move her. Move her NOW.
Alice searches the future and finds nothing. Everything is uncertain, everything is gray.
Blood is Bella is everywhere, it's taunting me. The most sweet and forbidden of things. This could be my chance, to have one taste, one single drop. This could be my only chance. Her screams are getting louder, louder, louder. Her movements even more terrifying to my eyes, they're unnatural.
I have her wrist gripped between my two hands, poised halfway to my mouth. I can't, can I?
One hand has left her wrist and is wound into my hair, pulling, looking for some relief, something i'm in control of.
My eyes are stinging and closed, I keep trying to force them to shut even tighter. I'm trying to lock them shut, throw away the key. I don't ever want to see her like this.
Carlisle tells me to open my eyes, to take a chance and be a man; I nod and move my hand from my hair, back down to her wrist.
Jasper shouts. We need to move. There isn't much time. We need to move.
Emmett has moved closer, ready to grab her if need be. If I don't react soon.
Alice searches for the future, and there's something there. No matter how uncertain it may be, there is something there.
I finally make the move and her wrist is at my mouth, blood only slightly tainted by his venom; it's the greatest relief i've ever had. The liquid flowing down my throat is pure euphoria. I'm home and this is my life source, I feel right for the fist time in so long.
There is muted shouting, distracting me, making my eyes flicker open and stare into quickly dulling ones. Eyes of a unique brown, warm and once loved. I close my own quickly, weeding out the guilt before it has a chance to bloom.
I'm breathing deeply through my nose, my chest unnecessarily heaving, as a before unexplored ecstasy washes through my system. I want to consume it all, I've never felt anything like this. Never felt such greed and indifference. Never felt so quenched. My eyes flicker open once again.
Eyes of deep sensuality, eyes of unwavering kindness.
The shouting is getting clearer, my eyes never closed this time. The shouters want me to give up this incredible feeling, they want it for themselves. They want to steal this feeling, this brilliance.
I'm ripped away from it by something, an animal of which i know not. I attempt to claw my way back to it. Please, i'll do anything. Please. I'm begging and shouting. Anything. I need it.
These animals are talking to me, trying to reason, their words seem muted; hazy and distant. There is nothing that can get through now, just the substance- the only thing that matters. I'm being held back, by both of my arms, as if they could restrain me!
I'm trying to struggle away, ducking and wriggling, lashing out with all i have. I rock my body back and forth, building up momentum and aim a kick out to my left. As I judged it's strong and well placed, one of my assailants- one of those beasts- goes hurdling across the room.
The second is easy as I swing my body round, I grasp their forearm with all the strength I possess and pull. They come unraveled in scarlet and curses, It's almost as delicious as the poison.
I stalk back towards the figure on the floor, ready to receive my award.
It moves, screams, convulses on the ground. Pathetic in it's weakness. The odor the creatures struggling produces only heightens the sensation, the pleasure. My overwhelming need to consume.
I'm back for my meal, as I lean over my prize, shielding it from any more unwanted interlopers. It is mine and I've earned it. My mouth moves over it, sinking into the hot warm flesh again and again, i'm trying to swallow it whole. Groans, both pleasure and satisfaction leave my lips. The warmth, the taste, the scent is all too much. I find myself unwillingly panting.
I'm sucking and biting, looking for one more drop. One more unfound moment of this freeing hysteria that has claimed me. I keep seeking, my lips suctioned against rapidly cooling flesh. The smell is turning cold and unappetizing.
I roll to the side, arms wrapped around the body because it's mine, even at this point I fear somebody may try to rob this from me. My head is tilted backwards, looking blankly at the ceiling- my body, slightly arched away from the floor. The aftermath of too much sensation, It was all to much.
I turn my head to the side and look into brown eyes. Eyes of perfection, kindness and love, eyes that belong to me for a whole different set of reasons.
I'm hit by realization, i sit up bolt straight and search frantically for a pulse. I need to find a pulse. I'm praying to every god- to anything- for anything that can help and there's one thought that's consistent. One thought that has been my mantra for many months- not her.