AN: This is the second part of my two part fic, this is Blaine's POV, Kurt's is called "His Beautiful Mind" which is a play on "A Beautiful Mind" where John Nash sees people, this one's title comes from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Also, Blaine is losing it so that's why there are rushed thoughts.
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In A World Of My Own
Why is it I always wake up late? My body just feels so tired recently and I can't calm it down, it's as if there's this alarm buried within me that I can't turn off and it's worse than when my thoughts were racing before. I've always had a wild imagination, I mean maybe that's why I saw puppets from a gas leak (I don't think many would call that normal exactly), but this kind of wild spree of thought is rooted in my belly.
And that is just weird.
Maybe it's the guilt, maybe because I'm seeing Melissa and Annabelle, my body is just becoming rigid and I'm scared I'm not good enough. No, I know that I'm not good enough. Whoever thought that I could be a great performer especially at this age, am I to be married to an amazing performer? Of course, unless Kurt changes his mind…he wouldn't change his mind would he? Still, myself have this kind of praise…I'm not used to it and part of me feels ashamed of it.
It doesn't feel this way at all when Kurt says it.
There are a lot of things that are made better if it's Kurt who says it.
I love him, I love him more than anything, but I always wonder whether I deserve him after I broke his heart. The cheating still weighs on my heart sometimes and it's weighing on my heart this morning as I can't seem to control which words I'm saying to him.
Still, I'm late, I'm late and worse of all I know I'm late.
I'm supposed to be meeting a very fabulous woman, Annabelle, for breakfast about forty five minutes away and if I stand up someone who could have such an influence on my future I will truly be a fool. A lot of people wish for this and I want to take advantage of it, I want to stick to my commitments and my dreams, no offense to her but I would be devastated if I followed the same path that Rachel Berry did.
Kurt looks at me concerned and though I don't have much time to relieve him from the concerns this time, I do want to say something. I want him to know just how much I care about him and adore him. I love Kurt Hummel. I will always love Kurt Elizabeth Hummel.
Right now though I can't seem to separate my thoughts.
It's becoming increasingly hard to figure out what to do these days, what to say, who to say it too, it's exhausting and I definitely don't want to feel as if I'm abusing my relationship with my beyond gorgeous fiancee, doing that might lead to me losing him and if I lost him I just know my world wouldn't stand much of a chance against crumbling to pieces.
I'm not a phoenix and I never will be, I just want Kurt but I know I'm not showing that as well as I could.
It scares me, but Kurt seems to know how I feel, seems to be supportive.
Is he though…
Crap! Spent too much time thinking about Kurt (is that even a possibility) and I have to rush to the bathroom, I have to make myself look presentable. A wrong opinion could severely damage my career and I want an amazing career, I want something that would open doors for both of us. I want to be acknowledged for the things that I've done and eventually become world renown for my accomplishments.
Kurt says something about breakfast, but I can hardly hear it (let alone make sense of it).
"Damn it!"
The words have exited my mouth without my thinking about them, I didn't know I would be saying this, it seems too sudden and I can't…I can't suffer through this, my head starts pounding and without a moments pause I am dashing to the bathroom.
"I need to leave, I need to go see Annabelle" I say without even really considering what Kurt is saying (I should, I know I should, but my head is pounding and I feel like I might even pass out from all the stress). My eyes dart around the room until they rest upon the clock.
Oh crap! Is that what time it is! Am I seriously that late!?
Kurt is reaching out for me, but through my pounding head, my vision which is starting to blur I know I shouldn't allow him to see me like this and I rush into our bathroom. Thank GOD we live alone. I get to live alone with the man of my dreams, but I need some water, I need to calm down (because who wants to further the career of someone on edge).
I put on the shower and stand under it.
The hot water feels nice, relaxing, comforting. Maybe it's all in my imagination that it feels so nice, feels so refreshing, but having a feeling of being comforted isn't necessarily a bad thing.
It only dawns on me as I'm using my soap to wash my body, peppermint scent, and putting in shampoo and conditioner (that Kurt chose for my type of hair) that I haven't felt this kind of comfort from Kurt for a while.
I don't blame him though, in many many ways I can't blame him. He isn't responsible for my actions, only I am responsible for my own actions.
Maybe I should slow down, accept the fact that Kurt has the ability to comfort me, to make me feel completely loved and safe like he used to, but the world is in a rush and it's been in a rush from just before I met Melissa and Annabelle. I could blame June I guess, but she only wants to further my career and that isn't really a reason that someone should be blamed.
Before I know it, I am hopping out of the shower and feel water trickling from my eyes. Am I crying!? How on earth am I crying?
Okay, deep breaths Anderson, in and out, in and out
In…and…Out.
I look at myself in the mirror, at least the tears have dried up, at least it doesn't look like I've been crying. I grab my robe and apply the gel before brushing my teeth. I need to be perfect, I need them to think I'm perfect at least.
As I exit, I see Kurt turn towards me as he holds up a red bow tie, "Hey, what do you think?"
I stare at it, my heart thumping at just the color (am I a bull now?). It seems too painful, the red color is hurting my eyes and giving me fear. I can't say that I've been scared of the tie before…okay, did that just sound as stupid as I think it did? but I just don't like it, I don't want to wear it.
Kurt would think I'm even more weird if I give that type of an excuse.
"Too red." I feel myself saying, but I have to come up with some kind of reason. I can't just tell Kurt that the tie is too red and that's why I don't like it. I quickly add onto the statement, "Annabelle said no red."
Okay, thank god I can pass the blame over to someone else. Kurt doesn't have to think that I'm any weirder than he already might. He doesn't have to know the dislike I have for the color red.
"Blue?" Kurt asks me and I look at the clothes he chose.
No, I have to look nice, I have to wear a suit if I'm wearing a bow tie. If they see me in a suit it might raise their opinion of me and that is definitely not a bad thing. I pause for a moment, Kurt is here and Kurt has never judged me on what I'm wearing. To Kurt what matters most is what's underneath and I'm ignoring that, I'm risking that.
I breathe again.
In…and….Out
I turn to him, continuing these deep breaths and praying that there is some clarity to my mind soon, something to make sense of the jumble inside. I feel my voice become warm and my eyes settle on my future husband. Oh god I love him, I just love him so so much. My actions have become a threat to our relationship.
After I get changed I turn to him, "Kurt, I love you."
He know that right!? He has to know that. After I say that Kurt approaches me, god he still smells so wonderful, but that concern in his eyes is frightening. As his hands reach up to straighten my collar I start to see all the different shades of emotion in his eyes and I push him back.
I realize that I have to find the contracts that Annabelle asked me to sign, I have to give them back to her. I have to make sure that my future, Kurt and my financial future is secure. I grab them, these are going to help me establish my career. I can't believe I nearly forgot.
Wait.
I pause and take another couple of deep breaths before looking at my love. I haven't been very kind to him this morning and I'm starting to feel absolutely wretched about it. I step over to him and rest my hands on his shoulders. I want to hug him, but I'm not sure I have time for even that.
"I'm sorry," I finally apologize, "I don't want you to feel like I'm taking you for granted."
God, how true are those words. I don't want Kurt to feel that, but I'm terrified that that might be all he feels these days. He nods and tells me that he knows, does he though? Can he really know and understand what I'm going through?
I think I have time though, I think I have time to make sure he knows how I still feel about him, how I will always feel about him.
"I love you."
Those words mean everything to me and I kiss his cheek, trying to push my passion through his skin. Does that ever work for anyone? I'm still too late though, I have to leave, I have to go and before Kurt even has a chance to answer me. I am out of the door (with my bag and shoes) and on my way to the nearest subway station.