I love my husband don't get me wrong but... Every time I see Amy with HIM I feel a little piece of me die inside. I don't go around the house anymore, or see the family, it just hurts to much. I loved HIM. Who am I kidding? I still love HIM. Always have, always will.

I'm happy with my life. A great husband, beautiful kids, but every time I think back to those moments I can't help but think what it could have been. How my life could have turned out with HIM.

Those memories always present trying their hardest to be in the forefront of my mind. I try not to let them. The kisses. The conversations. Just the times when we were around each other. They used to make me happy. Now? Not so much.

I was always jealous of Amy for being a part of HIS life in a way I couldn't but I delt with it. I couldn't change that. What hurt most was how even when we seemed to be making progress she still got HIM. HE always wanted her and she always wanted HIM. I couldn't compete. Amy was perfect and innocent. I was the trouble maker, the rebel child no one wanted.

I miss HIM. I wish things could have turned out differently. No one, nothing, was on our side. Honestly I'm surprised we made it as far as we did. Maybe that's what makes it hurt so much. The knowledge something could have happened, did happen, but ended for Amy.

Amy. Always Amy. Perfect Amy. Gets everything she wants Amy. God I hate her for it. HE was supposed to mine. HE should have been mine.

I miss HIM. I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I miss John. I miss Robbie. I even miss Amy on really lonely days. But I can't see them. They remind me of the times when we could have had something. The moments never experienced. The moments that could have been. They don't know, no one knows, about how destroyed I feel. Not even HIM.

Sometimes I wish we'd never met and I could be happy but that's never going to happen. What is is and what isn't well just isn't. HE has the perfect life and the perfect wife.

I met my husband in college. He was my way of hiding from my feelings. I felt like I was drowning for years and for a split second I could breath. Under any other circumstances, with any other woman, he would have been perfect. But I'm not just any other woman. So when he asked to marry me I settled for breathing. I thought it was better than what I had before but family events just brought that feeling back. That feeling of being lost with no way home. Seeing HIM broke me just a little more every time.

Living a life away from them just helped me cope. I still feel numb most mornings but by bed I've felt small amounts of love coming back into my life. More and more emotion every day. Hopefully one day I won't think of HIM. Hopefully one day HE won't be the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night.

Hopefully one day RICKY UNDERWOOD won't rule my life.