Honour and Happiness

by Cosima

What if Sir William had not interrupted the conversation between Lizzy and Darcy at the ball of Netherfield?

1. Default Chapter

Honour and Happiness

By Cosima

Part The First

Chapter One

Posted on Saturday, 2 November 2002 Blurb: Sir William had not interrupted Elizabeth and Darcy's conversation at the ball of Netherfield? After expressing her feelings to Charlotte Lizzy had by no means calmed down. She had looked forward to this ball so much and, as usual, Mr. "high and mighty" Darcy had to spoil her joy by driving away Mr. Wickham because his bad conscience told him to avoid the man. The fact that he had a conscience and that it seemed to have some influence on his decisions was no improvement at all. Where was his conscience when poor Mr. Wickham asked for what was rightfully his? To disregard a will was a capital offence; if she were Mr. Wickham she would disgrace Mr. Darcy publicly no matter what his rank was or how important his connections were. Until Mr. Wickham had presented her the entire story with names, facts and dates she could hardly believe that Mr. Darcy was as bad as this. She had believed him to be haughty and disagreeable beyond measure but not dishonourable. She was resolved to avoid his company and conversation let alone to dance with him. Mr. Bingley's blind trust in his so-called friend annoyed her for it was totally beyond her understanding how Mr. Bingley could esteem a man of such loathsome character. Presenting her foolish cousin to Charlotte had brought some pleasure which ended all too soon because he had asked her for the first two dances. Mr. Collins was a bad dancer and his constant apologising for being such caused her to feel even worse. Thankfully an officer asked for her hand after that and it was a joy to hear him sing Wickham's praise to the full. "It's extraordinary! And are you sure it's true?" Charlotte asked, she was totally overwhelmed by Lizzy's report. "Charlotte, how can it be otherwise? Every circumstance confirms it and Mr. Darcy as boasted to me himself of his resentful impeccable--" Suddenly Charlotte shushed her with her shocked face and a nod towards the room. "What?" As Lizzy followed her friend's glance she saw that Mr. Darcy had approached them and seemed to want something. To Lizzy his content look was like her nemesis, it made her even angrier, he was as happy with himself as a cat, which had eaten a bird recently. It was hard to keep her countenance, her face was burning with anger and her features were tense. "If you're not otherwise engaged, would you give me the honour of dancing the next with me, Miss Bennet?" he asked respectfully. His question startled her and she would have sold an arm for an excuse! She had promised herself that she'd never dance with him and now this! All excuses and thoughts seemed to elude her and his unmoved face mocked her with its scrutinizing glance. "Why I...had not--" Where was her mother when she needed her? "I thank you, yes!" She felt like a surrendering army. But winning a battle didn't mean winning the war! Her eyes followed him as he bowed his head towards her and left for the dance. "AH, why could I not think of an excuse? Hateful man, I promised myself I'd never dance with him!" Her little foot stomped on the carpet to underline her words. Charlotte was puzzled at her friend's emotional view of the situation. She herself would have felt honoured to be singled out by Mr. Darcy no matter if she liked him or not. This was not a matter of personal taste but of diplomacy. She knew Lizzy to be rather emotional and direct but she never thought that a silly fancy could lead her to slight a man of such importance. Where was Lizzy's loyalty to her family? Wasn't it enough that Kitty and Lydia were despised and laughed at wherever they were known because of their improper behaviour? "He pays you a great compliment in singling you out, Lizzy. Think what your doing! You'd be a simpleton indeed if you let your fancy for Wickham lead you to slight a man of ten times his consequence!" Whatever did she care for his power among society? Everyone seemed to dislike him anyway, his pride and arrogance had caused nothing but disgust and abhorrence. He had offended her by calling her "tolerable" and he had treated Wickham with incredible disregard for his future and his father's promises. And she was supposed to bow low and to burst with pride because had asked her for a dance? Certainly not, she vowed. The music hushed for a moment so that the couples could get ready for the next dance. Both Lizzy and Darcy seemed to be nervous but neither of them dared to look at the other as they were waiting for the dance to begin. Lizzy stared at a painting and Darcy's eyes were following Jane and Mr. Bingley. The couple seemed to get along very well, this was the fourth dance they danced together. It was hard for Darcy to keep his opinion of her indifference towards his friend. Her smiles and her charming countenance were all too deluding. As the music started both approached each other trying very hard to appear indifferent towards each other but their reasons couldn't be more different. Both dreaded the moment when their hands would meet for the first turn, the tension between them, caused by regard and disdain, was almost seizable. Elizabeth thanked God for her gloves but she could feel that Mr. Darcy held her hand softly and, for some peculiar reason, seemed to be unwilling to release her again. As usual he hardly spoke a word and even though Lizzy felt no desire for a conversation she wanted to test how he would react on certain topics. "I believe we must have some conversation, Mr. Darcy." she reproached him gaily. No response but Lizzy noticed that the tension around his jaw had become more visible. Was he annoyed? Very well then, she was on the right path. "A very little will survive!" she added cheekily. No reaction on his part, his face seemed to become more sinister with each movement. "You should say something about the dance, perhaps. I may then remark on the number of couples!" "You talk by rule then when you're dancing?" he replied. She could help but smile at her success, to Darcy it seemed as if her smile was audible in her voice. But if he had hoped for a friendly reply he was totally mistaken. "Yes, sometimes it is best. Then we may enjoy the advantage of saying as little as possible!" Sadly the movement of the dance made it impossible for Lizzy to behold the rapid change on his face from soft hope to hurt pride. "You consult your own feelings in this case or seek to gratify mine?" "Both, I imagine. We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room." "This is no very striking resemblance of your own character, I am sure!" he replied archly. "I must not judge my own performance!" She snapped. He made no answer and both remained silent for a few minutes observing the facial expressions of the people in the ballroom and avoiding each other's glances. "You and your sisters... Are you often walking to Meryton?" His question startled her but it also bore the temptation to mention her most recent acquaintance. "Yes, quite often. When you met us there the other day, we had just been forming a new acquaintance." The effect of her words was all too visible. His face became icy and bore such arrogance that it almost frightened her. She hated herself for her sudden feeling of shame but she couldn't go on and neither did he make an answer nor did he reply in a satisfying manner. Finally Mr. Darcy revived the conversation though his countenance betrayed his anger and disgust. "Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends-whether he may be equally capable of retaining them, is less certain." "He has been so unlucky as to lose your friendship," Lizzy replied forcefully "and in a manner which he is likely to suffer from all his life." Elizabeth couldn't wait for his answer but as she saw Sir William passing through the ballroom she prayed that someone would divert him so that she and Darcy could continue their conversation. Once and only once she thanked God for Mr. Collins' being at the ball for he involved Sir William in his usual chat on chimney's and staircases and Rosings. "Seeing him here in Meryton and hearing that he's a member of Colonel Forster's regiment I doubt that he has to rely on my good will." said he with an air of sarcasm. "What do you think of honourable promises? Shouldn't they be kept as faithfully as they were given?" she replied archly. "A promise, given in good faith, ought to be kept as much as a vow has to be held in highest value." said he, puzzled at her switching the subject. Elizabeth was totally astonished at his hypocrisy and capability of deceiving people. Had Mr. Wickham not informed her she would have believed Mr. Darcy without a doubt. She wasn't able to make an answer.

"What do you think of music?" he asked with a smile. "Music? Oh, I doubt that we have much in common regarding our taste for diversion." "Well, we could compare our different ideas." "No, I cannot talk about music or books on a ball, my head is always occupied by something else...." She was trying to return to their subject, he had changed it all too well. "I remember hearing you once say, Mr. Darcy, that you hardly ever forgave, that your resentment once created was impeccable. You are very careful, are you not, as to its being created." "I am" he replied, suddenly severe. "And never allow yourself to be blinded by prejudice?" "I hope not!" "So your judgment is based on justice as loyalty? Virtues you value highly in everyone, I assume?" "I do indeed." said he with a smile. "So what would you think of someone who has everything this world has to offer and yet thinks it is beneath him to treat someone less fortunate in an affable manner?" "Being ignorant of the circumstances that led to this sort of behaviour I would take no interest in matters that are not my affair." he replied smoothly. Both of them were far too involved to check what was happening around them and Darcy even stopped watching Bingley and Jane for his conversation with Elizabeth was all too interesting. She was as sharp as an arrow and she handled her vocal darts superbly. The anger he felt soon found its only target in Mr. Wickham because he was the only one who could have poisoned her thus. Since she didn't make an answer he spoke up again. "May I ask to what these questions tend?" "Merely to the illustration of your character, I'm trying to make it out which is only fair since you assume that you know mine so well." "And what is your success?" Shaking her head she had to admit that she was puzzled but she did put it perkily. "I do not get on at all, I hear such different accounts of you as to puzzle me exceedingly." As he led her back to Charlotte he felt an urgent desire to set things straight, he didn't want her to think ill of him, the reason for this strange wish escaped him though. I wish, Miss Bennet, that you were not to sketch my character at the present moment, as there is reason to fear that the performance would reflect no credit on either of us." Once again he heard her beautiful smile through her words. "Well, if I don't take your likeness now I may never have another opportunity!" she retorted with a smile. "I would by no means suspend any pleasure of yours!" he replied forcefully. And suddenly he knew that he meant it, that this one sentence defined what he felt for her. [pic]

Part The Second

Posted on Monday, 4 November 2002 Because the heat of the dance had made her thirsty Lizzy went to one of the tables to take a sip of wine. Just as she immersed the dipper into the bowl Miss Bingley approached her. Her shrill voice was even worse than Mr. Darcy's malice towards Mr. Wickham. "Ah, Miss Eliza! I hear you're quite delighted with George Wickham. No doubt he forgot to tell you about his other communications, that he's merely the son of old Wickham, the late Mr. Darcy's steward?" She laughed in an arrogant manner. "But Eliza, as a friend, let me recommend you not to give credit to all his assertions. Wickham treated Darcy in an infamous manner! That he is impertinent enough to come here is a scandal!" "He has treated Mr. Darcy in an infamous manner? How?" "I may not disclose anything given in strict confidence but I can tell you that Mr. Darcy was not in the least to blame! I--" "Miss Bingley, what are you trying to say? If his guilt only consists of being the son of Mr. Darcy's steward you may rest assured. He's informed me of that himself!" Lizzy replied angrily. "Miss Bennet, all I can tell you as a friend and member of the high society is not to give your trust to someone who doesn't deserve it, you'll come to rue it!" Even though Lizzy despised Miss Bingley she could feel that Miss Bingley's concern was real, still, she wanted to talk to Jane first. Before the ball had begun Lizzy had begged her sister to ask Mr. Bingley about Mr. Wickham and Mr. Darcy. Jane was all too happy to oblige her sister, she was happy that Lizzy had found a man to whom she could give her heart. Jane herself liked Mr. Wickham a lot and the fact that her sister approved of him made him only more lovable. His face bore such goodness and kindness, one simply had to like him. But her conversation with Mr. Bingley didn't affirm this first impression at all. After the dance they had sat down at a table and Mr. Bingley had brought her a glass of wine. "Thank you, Sir. May I ask you something that is very important to me? I'm sure you can help me." asked she with flushed cheeks. "Of course, Miss Bennet! I'd be happy to help you in any way!" "Do you remember our recent meeting in Meryton? After I had recovered we met you and Mr. Darcy on the street." After a moment he nodded, remembering what she was talking about. "Yes, yes I remember." "Just before we met my sisters and I had been forming a new acquaintance. Captain Denny introduced his friend to us. His name is Mr. Wickham and I wonder--Mr. Bingley?" Jane was perplexed by the change of his usually kind and happy face. "Miss Bennet, as Mr. Darcy's true friend it is hard for me to talk about this man without becoming angry. He has abused my friend's trust and was unworthy of the late Mr. Darcy's attention!" "Forgive me but I'm completely puzzled by your account. I've found nothing offensive about Mr. Wickham. He has been most kind and gentlemanlike." said she, totally surprised by the turn of the conversation. Mr. Bingley drew his brows together and appeared to be very tense. "Hopefully he has changed for the better. Miss Bennet, all I can tell you is to be on your guard. I can swear that, even though Mr. Wickham might tell you another story, Mr. Darcy has never treated him without kindness." As Lizzy saw her sister approach Jane gave her a lovely smile, a glow of such happy expression, as sufficiently marked how well she was satisfied with the occurrences of the evening. "Lizzy, I hardly know how to tell you this. But, as happy as my evening was so far, my inquiries on Mr. Wickham didn't turn up anything good so far. Even though Mr. Bingley didn't disclose the whole of the history he did warn me to be on my guard against Mr. Wickham. He also said that Mr. Darcy never treated Mr. Wickham without kindness." "Surely he's had his account from Mr. Darcy!" Lizzy exploded. "Lizzy, believe me that I've never seen Mr. Bingley so agitated and severe. He wouldn't warn me without a good reason!" "I'm sure that Mr. Bingley believes his friend and it does him credit. But what am I to believe now? Can you tell me that? Jane, don't you think it's rather peculiar that Mr. Wickham confided in me so quickly? He barely knew me when he told me this story. I'm totally confused. When I danced with Mr. Darcy he sounded totally believable." "One really doesn't know what to think." Jane cogitated. "Has Mr. Bingley met Mr. Wickham himself?" "No, they've only met briefly in Meryton when we met Mr. Wickham." They soon changed the subject and Jane's hopes of Mr. Bingley's affection and regard delighted Elizabeth beyond measure, she could soon imagine Jane happily settled at Netherfield and Jane's happiness made it easier to endeavour to like Mr. Bingley's sisters. And yet all these happy thoughts could not eliminate her the struggle of her thoughts regarding Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wickham. What in the world could he have done to cause such a reaction on Mr. Darcy's part? Even though she was annoyed by Mr. Darcy's manners she was fair enough to see that her sister Jane, Miss Bingley and her own impression were in favour of Mr. Darcy. As her eyes followed Mr. Darcy who was walking through the room she noticed that her cousin wanted to talk to her. She gave up her peaceful moment with much regret but Mr. Collins' excitement was too funny. "My fair cousin, I just made an extraordinary discovery! I hear that Mr. Darcy is the nephew of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, my most condescending patroness!" "Sir, you cannot approach him without being introduced!" Elizabeth said, suddenly alarmed. "Believe me, my fairest cousin, that I trust your good judgment in all things but I wouldn't dare to insult him by not telling him that Her Ladyship was in the best of health eight days ago!" he croaked and, indeed, too Elizabeth he was a slimy and as disgusting as a frog. Since she had no desire to watch this painful scenario she returned to Charlotte to continue their conversation. It turned out to be most interesting because even Charlotte's opinion favoured Mr. Darcy despite her dislike of the man, everybody seemed to think that he couldn't do any wrong except having bad manners. "Lizzy, don't you see that Mr. Darcy looks at you a great deal?" Charlotte inquired. "Oh Charlotte, he only means to frighten me with his contempt!" Lizzy retorted with a smile. "Oh Lizzy, look at him and tell me again that he's not admiring you!" If Lizzy wouldn't make an effort to see what was totally clear then Charlotte had to help her. "Charlotte, why should he admire me, it really isn't very likely now is it?" "Well, whatever you say!" Charlotte replied with a wink. From afar she could hear her mother's loud voice talking of Mr. Bingley and Jane. Elizabeth was in agony as she went on watching this horrific exposure. Nothing she said made her mother lower her voice, it was audible to everyone. Her family's behaviour was at its lowest point, or so she thought. When Mr. Bingley expressed his desire for a song Mary occupied the pianoforte without being asked first. The result didn't not justify the manner, her voice was weak, the singing of pitch and tasteless. After just a hint of applause she tackled a demanding coloratura-piece by Cherubini. But before she could hit all those high As her father interrupted her. "That will do extremely well, child. You have delighted us long enough. Let the other young ladies have time to exhibit." Her heart went out to Mary who was close to tears. But before she could console her sister Miss Bingley came over and gave her a haughty smile. "Miss Eliza, may I congratulate you?" "On what?" "Why on your family of course! A sister with a most talented voice, a mother known for her wit and a cousin known for his talent as conversationalist. Not to speak of your own knowledge of people and overwhelming talent to analyse people's motives!" she sneered. After all that had occurred Lizzy wasn't capable of giving an answer. With an obvious gesture of disgust she left the room almost running into her little sisters who were, once more, chasing officers. For one moment she wanted to leave all this behind and fled outside in the garden. It was rather cold but it was a beautiful night. The stars and the moon illuminated the earth and the fresh air was simply delicious. Miss Bingley's remarks had hurt her tremendously for it had hit her weak point precisely. She wasn't proud of her family but she loved them all dearly. From time to time she had felt ashamed for her family but this wasn't enough for anyone to condemn them like this. She felt tears in her eyes and suddenly a hot rain streamed down her cheeks. "Miss Bennet?" a voice called. Elizabeth could hardly believe her ears. No, it couldn't be him, why should he care that she was missing? But as she turned around she saw him stand there with a concerned look on his face. He didn't dare to come any closer until he saw her tears. "Miss Bennet, I'm afraid something has happened to alarm you!" he cried, putting one hand on her shoulder. If only she'd turn her head and look at him. "You can leave me to make a fool of myself alone!" she retorted. Her words were sharp but he could hear her tears as well as he could hear her laughter in her voice. It pained him to see her so, every tear was like a dagger to his very heart. "Dear Miss Bennet, I doubt that you could ever make a fool of yourself!" he tried to console her taking his hand from her shoulder. Finally she turned back and looked up, right into his eyes. "Mr. Darcy, why should you care what I'm doing and how I feel?" she asked plainly. "Miss Bennet, may I ask how I have offended you? I simply cannot understand why you seem to be so angry with me?" "There's nothing.... nothing that matters! I'm just a little overwhelmed by all this commotion...." As Mr. Darcy turned away with a sigh she had to command all her might to call him back. "Mr. Darcy!" As he turned back to her she could see that it cost him a great deal of strength to keep his composure. His shoulders were tense, his glance mortified. "Miss Bennet?" "Please let me thank you for coming after me. It seems that you're the only one who noticed that I left the house." He came closer until he could see her features. Her tears had ceased and she gave him a light smile, it felt like sunshine in his heart. Warm and soft, unspoiled and yet as colourful as a rainbow, her smile was like the peak of happiness, she was indeed special. Following an impulse he took her hand and held it for a moment until he kissed it softly. "Look at the stars." she sighed. "Now they shine so beautifully...." "But stars are out of our reach, who am I to desire a star if I have perfection here with me?" he replied, releasing her hand. And once again the sound of her smile illuminated his heart, her smile was like being touched by a ray of light. As he led her back to the ball both of them were struggling with the new feeling in their hearts, which had already formed buds and desired to bloom magnificently. [pic]

Part The Third

Posted on Thursday, 7 November 2002 If Elizabeth's apparent disinterest had any influence on Mr. Collins' behaviour towards her he concealed it all too well. She had hoped that her dance with Mr. Darcy might have discouraged him but, on the contrary, it had only deepened his affections and admiration because, and of that he was certain, Lady Catherine would certainly approve of a young lady whom her nephew had considered worthy of a dance. His imagination saw her already at Hunsford with five children and as Lady Catherine's most humble and obedient companion. She would be the mother of his children and the wife that Lady Catherine had ordered him to find. Meanwhile the intended bride didn't waste any time with her desperate suitor but kept thinking of the moments she had spent with Mr. Darcy. At this moment it had been difficult to believe that he was so proud, on the contrary, he had behaved in a most gentlemanlike manner. Even though her entire family had been at Netherfield he was the only one who had noticed that she was missing. How could this fit the opinion of him, which she tried to keep so hard? What he had said about stars was still ringing in her ears like a beautiful melody. Somehow she had been able to hear his devotion through the sound of his voice, as if his feelings were audible to her. On the other hand his behaviour towards poor Mr. Wickham was appalling and cruel. It was hard indeed to see through all this. Perhaps Mr. Darcy had done what Mr. Wickham accused him of but changed later? No, this was impossible, they still weren't on speaking terms and there was to sign or possibility for them to reconcile. But what could Mr. Wickham have done to insult Mr. Darcy so gravely? Both seemed to hate each other with the difference that Mr. Wickham had explained it to her openly, unlike Mr. Darcy who concealed the reasons for his hatred with maximum care. Mr. Collins made his declaration in form. Having resolved to do it without loss of time, as his leave of absence extended only to the following Saturday, and having no feelings of diffidence to make it distressing to himself even at the moment, he set about it in a very orderly manner, with all the observances which he supposed a regular part of the business. Marriage was, after all, an event to plan in advance and after fixing his regard on one of the Bennet-girls he saw no reason to hesitate any longer. On finding Mrs. Bennet, Elizabeth, and Kitty together soon after breakfast, he addressed the mother in these words, "May I hope, Madam, for your interest with your fair daughter Elizabeth, when I solicit for the honour of a private audience with her in the course of this morning?" Suddenly Elizabeth realised that Mr. Collins truly meant to marry her and one glance at her mother made it only too clear that she approved of the match. Was there no way to escape? Watching her cousin how he gave her a "knowing" look made her chuckle though. It wouldn't be difficult to handle this little foolish toad. "Mama, don't go! I'm sure that Mr. Collins can have nothing to say to me that any body need not hear." She tried to soften the situation. "No, no, nonsense, Lizzy.-I desire you will stay where you are." Seeing that Lizzy was about to escape with a look of embarrassment and vexation she forced her to stay, "Lizzy, I insist that you stay where you are and hear Mr. Collins!" Grabbing Kitty's arm she walked off. "Come now Kitty, I want you upstairs. Oh, don't they make a beautiful couple?" Elizabeth was in agony. She dared not oppose her mother's wishes and finally she was resolved to get it over as soon as possible, so she stayed with Mr. Collins and, troubled by pangs of embarrassment awaited his declaration. "Believe me, my fair cousin, that your modesty only adds to your other perfections. I'm sure that your happy situation must trouble you a great deal for you might think that you may not deserve it. Allow me, with the blessing of your most excellent mother, to relieve you from your doubt." Elizabeth was close to bursting with laughter. A happy situation indeed, had it not been serious she would have been most diverted. It was all too laughable to watch Mr. Collins' histrionic boasting but his manner of walking was more amusing by far. He waddled like clumsy duck, waving his arms until his fingers met in a begging fashion, making him look very ridiculous. "You can hardly doubt my purpose of my discourse for almost as soon as I entered this house I singled you out as the companion of my future life. Be assured that I know how happy this must make you but before we are run away with by our feelings on this subject, perhaps it will be reasonable for me to state my reasons for marrying." "Sir, I beg you to differ! Please do not assume to know about my feelings without even letting me make an answer. Mr. Collins, I--" But he didn't let her finish and it seemed that he wasn't aware of her shame. "My dearest cousin, my reasons for marrying are as follows. First that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances to set the example of matrimony in his parish. Second I believe that I'll add to my personal happiness. And third," he hesitated for a moment, "which I should have mentioned first, it is the wish of my most noble patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, that I might marry as soon as possible. Mr. Collins, she said, you must marry. Choose properly, let her be an active, useful sort of person; not brought up too high and willing to be a good and faithful wife. Bring her to Hunsford and I will visit her. Be assured, my fair cousin, that she'll be most condescending and kind no matter how little your dowry may be. Seeing Mr. Darcy choosing you for a dance only supported my decision and if he is willing to accept your state of poverty with kindness so shall I." Elizabeth gasped at his impertinence. Who did he think he was? Insult her and ask for her hand at the same time, didn't he have any sense for decorum? It was unspeakably rude of him to point out that her dowry was little and to treat her like a poor girl from the street was incredible! She was a gentleman's daughter and had no reason to be overwhelmed by his proposal, no poverty could be horrible enough to accept such rudeness. "Sir, I beg you once more to allow me to make an answer! You are too hasty!" said she angrily. Still he showed to sign of a reaction in her favour. "You might wonder why I came here in search of a wife. Be assured that it is my dearest wish to make it up to you and your sister that I'm to inherit this wonderful estate. However I can only make it up to one of your father's daughters and I'm sure that Lady Catherine will approve of your wit and the respect you'll have for her, no doubt. My fairest cousin, these are my motives and I hope that you'll find them acceptable. Do not trouble yourself regarding your dowry, let me assure you that I care little about it and that I shall not speak about it ever again as soon as we are married. Let me now, in a most ardent manner, assure you how deep my affections are!" As he grabbed her hands and pulled her close she broke away in disgust and escaped his embrace at the last moment. "Sir, you are forgetting yourself! I've asked you twice to listen to my answer and now I insist that you do so! Be assured that I'm sensible of the honour of your proposals and flattered by your compliments but to accept them is absolutely impossible. Neither did the manner of your proposal appear proper to my own feelings nor did I ever consider myself to be lucky because I'm the object of your admiration!" she cried sharply. He waved her refusal away easily. "Madam, I'm by no means discouraged, indeed I'm convinced that you desire to increase my love by suspense which is, as far as I've heard, the usual manner among elegant females." He smiled his funny frog-smile. "Sir, I'm a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart! Allow me to convince you that I have no desire to torment a respectable man. You could not make me happy and I'm convinced that I'm the last person in the world who could make you so. So you may inherit the estate without any self-reproach whenever it falls to you. I believe we should regard this matter to be definitely closed!" "Madam, fairest cousin, I shall write to Lady Catherine and inform her about your modesty and your other perfections. She will indeed approve of you, I'm certain!" cried he, grabbing her hand again. Elizabeth was barely able to get away from him. This had been amusing but now it turned out to be rather alarming. Why did he refuse to accept her rejection as what it truly was? "Sir, let me tell you once more that I wish you only the best. I'm honoured by your compliments and your proposals but my feelings forbid me to accept them. Do you want me to speak plainer? Please, spare us both this displeasure!" "You must give me leave to flatter myself my dear cousin that your refusal of my addresses is merely words of course. It does not appear to me that my hand is unworthy of your acceptance, or that the establishment I can offer would be any other than highly desirable. My situation in life, my connections with the family of De Bourgh, and my relationship to your own, it into farther consideration that in spite of your extraordinary qualities, it is by no means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made you. Your portion is unhappily so small that it will in all likelihood undo the effects of your loveliness and amiable qualifications." Mr. Collins, you've made me your offer, I've refused it! The matter is settled! Excuse me!" she cried and fled from the room. [pic] Running upstairs Mr. Darcy's words came back to her mind and, for some peculiar reason, made her smile. But stars are out of our reach, who am I to desire a star if I have perfection here with me? [pic] When Mrs. Bennet joined Mr. Collins to wish him joy she was startled to hear about Lizzy's stubbornness. She knew that it wasn't Elizabeth's "delicate" modesty, which led her to refuse Mr. Collins' proposal, and she saw only one way to secure her daughter's happiness. Mr. Bennet had to make her marry Mr. Collins before it was too late or, even worse, before some other girl became the object of his admiration. "But depend upon it, Mr. Collins," she cried, "that Lizzy shall be brought to reason. I will speak to her about it myself directly. She is a very headstrong foolish girl, and does not know her own interest; but I will make her know it." "But Madam, Lady Catherine will never approve! This doesn't make her a very desirable wife!" he cried, suddenly agitated. "Sir, you quite misunderstand me," said Mrs. Bennet, alarmed. "Lizzy is only headstrong in such matters as these. In every thing else she is as good natured a girl as ever lived. I will go directly to Mr. Bennet, and we shall very soon settle it with her, I am sure." Without listening to his reply she ran off to her husband who was in his library, leaving Mr. Collins alone. His mind was deeply troubled for if his cousin was indeed foolish and headstrong she wasn't the wife he was looking for. As soon as he had arrived at Longbourn he had noticed that she was very direct and witty but this had not been an alarming sign. At first her eldest sister, Jane, had won his heart but after hearing that she was soon to be engaged to Mr. Bingley his affection soon switched to her younger sister. Should he have been deceived again? Perhaps it wasn't meant to be to find his future wife among Mr. Bennet's amiable daughters. Meanwhile Mrs. Bennet was trying to persuade her husband to support her in this matter. "Oh! Mr. Bennet, you are wanted immediately; we are all in an uproar. You must come and make Lizzy marry Mr. Collins, for she vows she will not have him, and if you do not make haste he will change his mind and not have her." "Madam, I do not have the pleasure of understanding you. Of what are you talking?" asked he, obviously disinterested. "Of Mr. Collins and Lizzy! Lizzy vows that she'll not have him and Mr. Collins begins to say that he will not have her!" "What am I to do then? Seems to be a hopeless business!" "Speak to Lizzy yourself! Tell her you insist upon her marrying him!" "Well, let her come in!" As Elizabeth entered the library she saw instantly that her father was on her side, she gave him a sassy smile. "Come here, child," cried her father as she appeared. "I have sent for you on an affair of importance. I understand that Mr. Collins has made you an offer of marriage. Is it true?" Elizabeth replied that it was. "Very well-and this offer of marriage you have refused?" "I have, Sir." "Very well. We now come to the point. Your mother insists upon your accepting it. Is not it so, Mrs. Bennet?" "Yes, or I will never see her again." "An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents.-Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do." Neither her mother's threats nor her tears could persuade her to change her mind. After some fruitless arguments with her mother she left the library and, escaping from her mother's embarrassing pleading with Mr. Collins went outside to get some fresh air and a clear head. She chose one of her favourite paths leading towards a little lake and a clearing. Her lungs felt refreshed and her mind was at ease again as she heard a horse approach her from behind. Turning around her jaw dropped in disbelief. "Mr. Darcy! You, here?" she stammered. "Miss Bennet", he replied with a bow. "I was riding out to get some fresh air." He dismounted immediately and walked on by her side. "What leads you here, Miss Bennet?" he inquired. "I guess my motive is similar to yours. I had to get some fresh air and some rest. It has been a most distressing afternoon." "I hope you do not mind me asking what distressed you so?" he asked gently. "Well, it isn't a secret but I must beg you not to speak about it to anyone. Today my cousin asked for my hand in marriage. I refused him but he wouldn't accept it." she explained with a smile and as she saw his smile hers broadened. "Mr. Darcy, I've never seen you smile like this in society." she remarked gaily. "There isn't much to smile at, is there?" he retorted, suddenly severe. "On the contrary, most people are wonderful targets for various smiles." she replied and the sound of her laughter was once more like a warm ray of light on his heart. "I'm not fond of people who smile too much." said he with an air of pride. "It seems that you are decided to hate everyone!" "To me it seems that you wilfully misunderstand me, Miss Bennet." They parted at the clearing, Mr. Darcy had to ride back to Netherfield while Lizzy returned to Longbourn only to find it still in uproar. But now, after this most delightful meeting she was able to laugh at all the commotion. Only one thing bugged her, she had still not found an answer whether Mr. Wickham's story was true or not. But her encounter with Mr. Darcy, as delightful as it was, only added to her confusion, she began to like him, which was most inconvenient. [pic]

Part The Fourth

Posted on Sunday, 10 November 2002 Much to Elizabeth's vexation and grief her mother didn't let go of Mr. Collins' proposal but all her hopes to settle the matter in a satisfying manner were smashed by the report that Mr. Collins had asked for Charlotte Lucas' hand in marriage and that despite everything Charlotte had accepted his offer gladly. This most convenient conclusion of the matter showed differing results among the inhabitants of Meryton. Those who were fortunate enough to know Lizzy well were happy for her and some of her most intimate acquaintances even called on her to congratulate her on her escape. Not that Mrs. Bennet had to deal with her disappointment all-alone. Her sister, Mrs. Phillips, called on her every day to comfort her, much to the displeasure of everyone involved because her way of comforting her sister only added to her hysteria and displeasure. After breakfast, the girls walked to Meryton, to inquire if Mr. Wickham had returned, and to lament over his absence from the Netherfield ball. He joined them on their entering the town and attended them to their aunt's, where his regret and vexation, and the concern of every body were well talked over. To Elizabeth, however, he voluntarily acknowledged that the necessity of his absence had been self imposed. "I found," said he, "as the time drew near, that I had better not meet Mr. Darcy; that to be in the same room, the same party with him for so many hours together, might be more than I could bear, and that scenes might arise unpleasant to more than myself." This only added to her confusion, if Mr. Wickham had to suffer because of Mr. Darcy's malice why should he stay away? Of course it could have been consideration on his part, perhaps he only wished to avoid a reprise of the shameful meeting in Meryton. She approved of his forbearance but only for civility's sake because she didn't wish to stir any resentment. She was thankful that Mr. Wickham and another officer accompanied them back to Longbourn; perhaps another unbiased opinion could shed light on the affair. Her mother fell for Mr. Wickham's charms almost immediately while her father treated him with lukewarm civility. Once more he told a light (!) version of his story, portraying Mr. Darcy as the most black- hearted unfeeling villain one could imagine. Elizabeth began to feel uneasy and ashamed because she had spoken so highly of him to her parents. It was most crude and vicious do denounce Mr. Darcy like this to someone one barely knew and the fact that what she had seen of Mr. Darcy so far didn't match his description was only more vexing. Her father's thoughts were written on his face only too clearly, he didn't believe one word of Mr. Wickham's report and thus, added to her feeling uneasy and ashamed. After the officers had left for Meryton she went to the library to discuss the matter. He raised his eyes from his book as she came in; he had expected her and welcomed her with a warm fatherly smile. "Have a seat, Lizzy. I can see that you wish to talk to me. Is it about this Mr. Wickham you introduced to us?" "Father, I'm totally confused by him. To a degree I can understand that he avoids Mr. Darcy because I am disgusted at his pride and arrogance as well but I simply cannot find anything about him to support Mr. Wickham's story. He appears to be honourable, even amiable sometimes. And while Mr. Wickham seems to tell his story to everyone who wishes to hear it Mr. Darcy is discretion itself. I tried to question him at the ball but none of my questions seemed to shame him yet he seems to be most unhappy to be reminded of Mr. Wickham, the companion of his childhood. I'm totally convinced that something dreadful must have happened but without knowing the other side of the story, can I trust Mr. Wickham implicitly? He doesn't appear like someone who'd deceive people he barely knows. Father, what do you think?" she ended in a most urgent manner. Mr. Bennet frowned and didn't give an answer immediately. Mr. Wickham's happy manners and charming behaviour were most engaging indeed and yet there was something about him that bugged him. His face was soft but his eyes seemed to be as hard and as cold as diamonds. There was darkness in them whenever he was mentioning Mr. Darcy, it was the bleak, white flame of hatred that gleamed within these eyes but well concealed by charm and good looks. His eyes betrayed that, even though he'd never admit it, he detested Mr. Darcy and that it would please him only too well to harm him. His way of chatting and trying to arouse pity and admiration became annoying and adhesive with time. "My child" he began, "It's not easy to see through this man and let me tell you that I appreciate it that you came to me to inquire how I think about him after meeting him through you. Don't deny it, you introduced him to me to get my opinion. I'll share it with you most willingly." He paused for a moment. "Elizabeth, I know that it is your desire to believe what Mr. Wickham says because you'd rather believe him than see any good in Mr. Darcy whom I also don't find very agreeable. But try to see through things with your head and not with your feelings. To me he appears to be very sly and very eager to support our first impressions of Mr. Darcy, a man, and that you have do admit, do not know well enough to judge. Use the sense God has given you. Mr. Darcy refuses to shed light on his actions but neither did he try to ruin Mr. Wickham's reputation nor does he offend him by spreading reports such as this. If I had to come up with a verdict it would be in favour of Mr. Darcy despite his manners." Mr. Bennet concluded. Lizzy had been listening carefully and she had to admit that her father's words not only made sense but also matched her own feelings. The moment in the starlit garden had revealed Mr. Darcy's true nature and now she was able to accept it and if she had been completely honest she would have realised that she embraced this conclusion of the matter. [pic] The next day brought a visit by Elizabeth's friend, Charlotte Lucas who wished to see Elizabeth in private. She had gained her point, and had time to consider of it. Her reflections were in general satisfactory. Mr. Collins to be sure was neither sensible nor agreeable; his society was irksome, and his attachment to her must be imaginary. But still he would be her husband. Without thinking highly either of men or of matrimony, marriage had always been her object; it was the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune, and however uncertain of giving happiness, must be their pleasantest preservative from want. This preservative she had now obtained; and at the age of twenty-seven, without having ever been handsome, she felt all the good luck of it. But still she felt uneasy about facing Elizabeth and didn't know yet how she should persuade her that she had chosen a lot, which would make her quite content. And then there was the fact that Mr. Collins had proposed to Elizabeth first and, after being rejected in a most decided way, had come to her just because he could be certain to succeed this time. Charlotte didn't feel humiliated, she was far too rational for such an emotion but she did feel that Elizabeth was completely surprised at her decision and that she'd do anything in her power to persuade her to postpone the match. "Engaged to Mr. Collins! my dear Charlotte,-impossible!" Even though Charlotte had been prepared for blame, this direct reproach confused her and after regaining her composure she calmly replied, "Why should you be surprised, my dear Lizzy? Do you think it incredible that Mr. Collins should be able to procure any woman's good opinion, because he was not so happy as to succeed with you?" Elizabeth was still struggling with her feelings but after finally having recollected herself she was able to meet her friend's calm glance. "Charlotte, I didn't mean to blame you. You are right I was surprised but if Mr. Collins was able to secure your affection, I'm delighted for you both!" she cried kindly. Charlotte had understood her friend all too well but her romantic desires had always been an enigma to her. Whatever did romance have to do with being settled and stopping being a burden to one's family? She herself had never been romantic and the thought of being in love caused nothing but indifference in her heart. Being brought up in a family with little fortune she had been told to think of her family first and then her own good. She had done just that and was proud of it. "I see what you are feeling," replied Charlotte, "you must be surprised, very much surprised, so lately as Mr. Collins was wishing to marry you. But when you have had time to think it all over, I hope you will be satisfied with what I have done. I am not romantic you know. I never was, I ask only a comfortable home; and considering Mr. Collins's character, connections, and situation in life, I am convinced that my chance of happiness with him is as fair as most people can boast on entering the marriage state." "Without doubt", Elizabeth replied quietly. Elizabeth was sorry for her friend whose humiliation was all too visible. And knowing that Charlotte could hardly be happy in the lot she had chosen didn't make it easier either. [pic] Once more Darcy had his horse saddled to ride out in the hope to meet Miss Bennet at "their" clearing. Ever since they had parted there a thousand things he should have told her threw his mind into a whirl. Until he had followed her into the garden she had not been more than a diversion to him but remembering her face as it was illuminated by the light of a thousand stars and the silver moon made his chest ache. Until he had met her he had never experienced hearing the feelings of a woman through the sound of her laughter or her smile. She had been in pain on that day and he had felt an urgent concern for her well being, as if she were more than just an acquaintance. Her tears had turned her voice into a dark river with wild waves. Remembering the brief moment when he had kissed her hand was like remembering a moment with a loved one and indeed, his affection for her deepened with time.

Unlike many other men he knew he had started to admire her sharp and witty tongue, it was such a challenge and such fun to argue with her. He had to admit that being in her company was far more enjoyable than being with Bingley's sisters or anyone he had met before. Her carefree way of viewing things and people was most refreshing to him who had started to despise the society he had to live in because of its open way of deceiving everyone. Civility meant by no means true regard, a fact only too obvious in the case of Jane Bennet and Caroline Bingley.

Even though Miss Bingley treated Miss Bennet with warm civility she felt no real friendship for her but poor Miss Bennet seemed to mistake Miss Bingley's civility for true regard. Darcy wondered if Miss Bennet also misunderstood Charles' Bingley's feelings, he was violently in love with her. It was clear that she received his attentions with pleasure but it was hard to determine whether she was truly in love with him or merely civil. But it was hard enough to read in the mind of one Bennet-girl and thus Darcy decided to return to Elizabeth. He was totally aware of the fact that he could never marry her. The reasons were numerous, including his position in life, her poor connections, her most alarming family and his upcoming engagement to Anne de Bourgh, an event he dreaded above all things. And yet, like a sorceress, she had bewitched him completely. Looking into her eyes was like being surrounded by warm sunlight, her eyes were deer-brown and had so much depth and feelings. They could glitter sassily, gleam passionately and break his heart with a sad glance. Those most delightful eyes were perfection to him; he could see the reflection of his very soul there. Not that the reflection was always delightful, he dreaded to remember how she had glared at him when he had asked for a dance. Still he had not found out what had troubled her back then but he was absolutely certain that the cause was none other than Mr. George Wickham. What on earth could he have told her to upset her in such a fashion? The clearing was bathed in sunlight; there was no cloud in the sky. Poppies, marguerites, buttercups and daisies blossomed magnificently, it was fall in its most glorious prime. The lake was glittering, swans and ducks swam between water lilies and reed, a few frogs could be heard along with the birds, it was late afternoon. Darcy feared that he might have arrived to late and, indeed, he found nobody at the clearing. A deer and a few rabbits stormed away as they saw Darcy approach; to them he was an intruder. As Darcy's eyes searched the clearing he caught a most lovely sight. Lying on a fluffy blanket, surrounded by fresh daisies, she lied sleeping. She had taken off her bonnet; part of her curly mane had freed itself of the needles and flowed down to her waist. Her white dress and black velvet jacket were most lovely. He had no intention to wake her up but as he dismounted he heard her moaning and finally her fine eyes opened themselves. A little bewildered at first she got up and when she saw that it was indeed him her lips formed a perfect "O".

It was most delightful to catch her speechless but Darcy simply had to break the silence. "Miss Bennet, it seems that you like this place a great deal?" he said with a smile. Thankfully Elizabeth had regained her composure quickly. "About as much as you, I presume!" she retorted. "It is a most delightful hiding place, so far away from the world and yet only a few minutes away!" "Yes, I've been coming here ever since I was a child. But I never met anyone here, so far it has been a secret." She replied thoughtfully. "I didn't mean to intrude upon your privacy!" cried he, suddenly alarmed. "No, I didn't mean to imply that I regard you to be an intruder. I merely said that I enjoy this place because of its peaceful solitude. Whenever I feel troubled or sad I come here to cheer up. Life has been cruel recently...." She suddenly broke off. Why should he care for her sorrow? Today her eyes lacked their usual vivacious sparkle; there was an emptiness in them he had never beheld before. He came closer until he could study her features, which spoke volumes, something was troubling her deeply. "Miss Bennet, may I offer my support in anything you may need? I should like to assure you that you shall always find a friend in me, a friend who'll always be ready to listen whenever you feel sad." he offered tenderly. His sudden interest in her private worries startled her a little. Once again she was surprised that he was the only one who cared about her feeling well and being happy. Somehow she could feel that she could trust the friendship he offered, it came naturally. "Mr. Darcy, please allow me to thank you for your kind offer. I have no desire to trouble you with my private sorrow, so please tell me if you really do not mind hearing about it." "I do not mind at all, Miss Bennet." He assured her most sincerely. "Do you remember when I told you that my cousin proposed marriage to me?" She paused for a moment to see his affirmative reaction. "You might have heard that he made an offer to my dear friend, Charlotte Lucas, recently. She has accepted him but for reasons that are beyond my understanding. Neither does he have any feeling for her nor does she believe that he'll make her happy. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance she said. But I cannot agree with her. Why should reason and financial worries force someone to marry a person one doesn't even respect?" She paused to take a deep breath. "Why does fate have to be that cruel? Why does a good person like Charlotte have to marry a man like Mr. Collins who'll only make her unhappy? Why is the joy of true love so rare? And why aren't we permitted to marry where our hearts lie?" she asked ardently. Was it a coincidence that he had asked himself that very question many times recently without finding an answer? What could be wrong about marrying for love instead of material reasons? "Miss Bennet, you may consider to try to see the difference between you and your friend. She doesn't seem to be a woman who'd run into such a situation without consideration. I'm sure that she, as she is now, will be content with Mr. Collins. She was not born to love, she is not like you!" he said with an air of ardour. As much as she wished that Charlotte might enjoy the bliss of a love- match she couldn't help but sense the tenderness in Mr. Darcy's short speech. He was giving her a glance of shy and yet ardent admiration and this very glance seemed to melt her heart. She approached him until she couldn't come any closer without violating the rules of civility and gave him a fair smile. His words were striking an answering chord in the most vulnerable spot of her heart; suddenly she was aware that she was in danger of falling in love with Mr. Darcy. Encouraged by her smile he felt that all worries had left his beloved and that the world stood still for a moment. He wondered how it might feel to kiss the smile, which brightened her lips; something as beautiful as the star he had compared her too. Following an impulse he stroke over her loose hair down to her shoulder and, sensing that she didn't resist the caress, breathed in the sweet natural perfume of her curls. Feeling her hand touching his shoulder shyly he caressed her arm from her shoulder down to her fingertips. Her slender fingers seemed to be so perfect and made to be held for evermore. His left hand found its way over her shoulder to her neck, gliding up to her cheeks and her lips. Now both didn't care about the rules of civility anymore. She came closer and he wrapped her in his arms, sharing a most tender and loving kiss. "My dearest, most adorable Elizabeth! Will you consent to be my wife?" he asked, determined never to relinquish her again. [pic]

Part The Fifth

Posted on Thursday, 14 November 2002 Heavy drops of rain were floating down on the windowpanes of Lizzy's bedchamber, distorting the reflection of her face strangely. If only her eyes could weep as endlessly as the rain could flow, if only she could take back what she had said back then. Was it a coincidence that ever since that very day it had not stopped raining? Not that staring out of the window could bring Mr. Bingley back to Jane or Mr. Darcy back to her but from time to time it brought some peace. Ever since she had left the clearing she felt that she had made the wrong choice. Remembering what she had said after breaking away from his embrace only made matters worse but her thoughts were like little trolls, always jumping back to that very day. His proposal had brought her back to reality and no matter how sweet his words where, there was no reason why she should trust him. He had done and said nothing to prove that Mr. Wickham's story was a fraud and no matter how hard he had exercised his charms on her he didn't convince her that he was the man she could love and respect. It had been completely impossible to look into his face; it was filled with so much hope and true regard. Her reply surely had been like a dagger to his heart. "Do you know what you're saying? Mr. Darcy, I beg you to remember our brief acquaintance and the fact that I'm not inclined to marry. Believe me, you would come to rue your hasty proposal as much as I would!" she replied firmly. His features became stern; his eyes were gleaming at her ardently. "Miss Bennet, I see no reason why you should come to rue accepting my proposal which is based on most ardent admiration and regard despite many things that should have kept me from proposing marriage to you!" He was gritting his teeth, he wasn't used to being rejected. "Such as?" she shot back. In spite of her deeply-rooted dislike, she could not be insensible to the compliment of such a man's affection, and though her intentions did not vary for an instant, she was at first sorry for the pain he had received because it was clear that her straight refusal had wounded him and had hurt his pride. He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority-of its being a degradation-of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit. His accurate view of her family and connections surprised her and hurt her at the same time because, to an extent, she shared his opinion. "Mr. Darcy, am I supposed to feel flattered that you've kindly overcome all obstacles to follow your unwilling regard and to ignore my "unworthiness"? But, you see, whatever you might have observed, I've never desired your good opinion nor have I been seeking your good will. I feel horrified at myself that I could forget myself so far, that I thought well of a man whom I disliked at the first! If you were not so lacking in perception, you might have spared yourself my refusal!" "And this is the only reply I'm to expect after having opened my heart to you? I might wonder why I'm rejected with so little effort of kindness and civility!" he cried forcefully. "And I might wonder why with such an evident desire to offend and insult me you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason and even against your character! Whatever reason should I have to trust you or to be flattered by your regard? I've heard nothing but gruesome stories about you and you've done your utmost to present yourself as what they described! But even a man like you should find it beneath himself to flatter someone like me just to use her weaknesses to insult her an instant later! It wasn't hard to find my most vulnerable spot, now was it? I hope it was worth the effort! I could have forgiven you anything but not this!" she cried. She turned around and started to run without a greeting. She heard his voice calling her name from behind but it made no difference, she simply had to get away from him. Now she wondered what she could have said to prevent what had happened. Only two days after the unhappy incidence Caroline Bingley wrote to Jane, shattering all her hopes of happiness. My dear Jane, I sincerely regret to tell you that our entire family has left for London by now. Urgent business calls us to town immediately and thus I wasn't able to pay you a visit to inform you myself. Thus Miss Bingley's letter had begun and it cost Jane a lot of effort to read on. "I do not pretend to regret any thing I shall leave in Hertfordshire, except your society, my dearest friend; but we will hope at some future period, to enjoy many returns of the delightful intercourse we have known, and in the mean while may lessen the pain of separation by a very frequent and most unreserved correspondence. I depend on you for that. When my brother left us yesterday, he imagined that the business which took him to London, might be concluded in three or four days, but as we are certain it cannot be so, and at the same time convinced that when Charles gets to town he will be in no hurry to leave it again, we have determined on following him thither, that he may not be obliged to spend his vacant hours in a comfortless hotel. Many of my acquaintance are already there for the winter; I wish I could hear that you, my dearest friend, had any intention of making one in the crowd, but of that I despair. I sincerely hope your Christmas in Hertfordshire may abound in the gaieties, which that season generally brings, and that your beaux will be so numerous as to prevent your feeling the loss of the three of whom we shall deprive you. Elizabeth had felt sick after listening to Miss Bingley's letter, she knew the truth about the hasty escape from Netherfield and thus she blamed herself for destroying her sister's chance of happiness with Mr. Bingley. It was evident that the "urgent matters" that Miss Bingley mentioned in the final sentences of her letters were her wish to make her brother forget Jane by warming up their acquaintance with Mr. Darcy's sister, Georgiana. All that was left to Lizzy was to assure her sister of Mr. Bingley's sincere regard. But who would console her in the tricky situation in which she found herself? At first she was positively convinced that she had done the right thing but as the time was passing by the seeds of doubt began to grow in her mind. Was it not her unkind reply to his tender offer of marriage, which had inflamed him enough to use his scruples about her family to defend himself? Had she not robbed him of his dignity by assuming that he would rue his proposal, which was, and here she had to agree, founded on love and admiration? Still, it was clear that his objections, no matter how justified they were, would very soon triumph all together. If ever the old saying about acting on impulse applied to a situation it certainly did here. What on earth had possessed her to doubt the truth of his words? She had refused him not because she couldn't love him but because his account of his struggles and his obvious anger had made her forget what she already knew. What really made her feel guilty was that her dealings with Mr. Darcy had driven away Mr. Bingley from Jane. Jane's suffering, no matter how much she tried to conceal it, was evident. She hardly spoke, ate little and avoided any sort of company, something highly unusual for the normally cheerful and jovial Jane. Elizabeth still remained hopeful and perfectly convinced that Mr. Bingley would return to Jane for she was absolutely certain that Mr. Bingley's affections and his obvious regard for Jane were too clear to be mistaken. But today's rain seemed to turn all hope into nothing. Being deprived from chasing officers Kitty and Lydia were moping around while Mary was practicing on her pianoforte. Mrs. Bennet didn't leave her room because of some ailment and Jane did some needlework to distract herself from her dolefulness. Her heartache weighed heavily on her and while gazing through the misty air and the flowing drops of rain she only wished to say, I'm so sorry! Forgive me, can you forgive me and hold me in your heart? [pic] Darcy didn't feel like going to the opera that night. London had put on its gown of fall and it didn't suit her well. The air was foggy, moist and misty; the sky was grey but not nearly as depressing as his mind. His engagement at town involved Mr. Bingley, his sisters and his cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam. Mozart's "Le nozze di Figaro" with all its vivacious humour and ravishing music had always been a special favourite of his. The story of the count who was tired of his still beautiful wife because he had fallen for her servant, the lovely Susanna, was a joy to behold. How this man was humbled by his own wife and how he found his way back to her through some help of Susanna and her betrothed, Figaro, only underlined the mistake he had committed. Porgi, amor, qualche ristoro

al mio duolo, a' miei sospir.

O mi rendi il mio tesoro,

o mi lascia almen morir. O Love, give me some remedy

For my sorrow, for my sighs!

Either give me back my beloved,

Or at least let me die. For the first time the character of the Countess, a woman he had regarded to be ridiculously sentimental, made sense to Darcy for this was precisely how he felt after he had given up to do his utmost to remain angry at Miss Bennet for making him look like a fool. He had underestimated her pride which was his equal at least. And by spilling out all the reasons that had been behind his caution and desire to forget about her he had only made matters worse. Instead of being flattered she was offended and hurt and he saw no way how he could win back the delicate bond between them for he felt that it had existed. He knew that if he wanted to make any attempt to win her back he had to be worthy of her trust. Whatever plagued her it had to be a false rumour that Wickham had whispered into her ears. No, as long as Wickham was there he couldn't bring himself to return to Hertfordshire for she would always rely on her first impressions without meeting on neutral grounds. He was decided not to give up and her stubbornness only gave him wings instead of depressing him any further. If Mozart could unite a couple in his opera, why shouldn't he be able to conquer the woman he loved? Watching how Count and Countess ended up as loving couple once more made him imagine that Elizabeth was with him. More than ever he felt the desire to say, My dearest, most adorable Elizabeth! I'm forever grateful to you, for through you I became a better man! [pic]

Part the Sixth

Posted on Saturday, 29 March 2003 Christmas had always been one of Elizabeth's favourite holidays for not only did it bring a most engaging mood and snow but the visit of the Gardiners. Mr. Joseph Gardiner was Mrs. Bennet's older brother, a gentleman whose being in trade only offended those who were pleased with themselves far too much instead of enjoying the society of this knowledgeable kind gentleman. His wife Margaret was not only several years younger but far more aimiable than both Mrs. Bennet and Mrs. Philips who did approve of Mrs. Gardiner but always failed to comprehend this elegant well educated Lady. Especially the two eldest Miss Bennets had a very close relationship with their favourite aunt, they had spent much time at their cozy home in Gracechurch Street in London. It was of this haven of peace Elizabeth had thought about first while she was trying her best to console Jane whose grief was far too obvious to her loving eyes even though Jane did well in hiding it from most people around her. Though Jane never pretended to be as happy as she used to be and never tried to betray her affection for Mr. Bingley by calling it a passing fancy it appeared just like that to those who didn't know her well enough. Even though Jane was loved and admired by most people there were persons who congratulated Mr. Bingley on his escape and praised Mr. Darcy for supporting his friend in this matter. Jane, whose good nature prevented her from noticing these hostile sentiments towards her continued to have a smile for everyone she met and thus only made matters worse. Her sisters' most infantile behaviour only added to their almost ruined reputation as a family. Elizabeth herself observed these things very well and she was decided to do her utmost to prevent more damage. After a wonderful conversation with her Aunt Gardiner she found Jane in her room and told her about her idea. "Jane, how would you like to spend some time in town?" she asked with a smile and a twinkle in her eyes. Jane, who was doing some sewing, didn't react very joyfully. She shrugged and responded with a weak smile. "Why would you want me to go to town, Lizzy?" "Ah, for no particular reason. Just a change of society and air. Come now, Jane, I'm sure that Auntie and Mr. Gardiner will be delighted to have you back at Gracechurch Street!" Jane's reaction was graced with a glowing smile, it didn't take much to lift her gentle spirit. She gladly accepted this idea and was looking forward to be in town, she even harbored the hope of seeing Mr. Bingley again although it was very unlikely since they moved in completely different society and Miss Bingley's reference to Miss Georgiana Darcy wasn't made as a passing comment but was meant to be a warning disguised in simple chatter. But love, a sentiment that lives on without being cherished by the object it serves so faithfully, isn't given up and forgotten that easily. Despite all Jane was still thinking of Mr. Bingley's enchanting manners and his obvious admiration. Elizabeth admired Jane for her countenance which bore both, most loveable kindness and solid strength. Being a most emotional creature herself she found comfort in Jane's quiet ways and consoling peacefulness which never deluded her despite everything. Even though Jane had always been the favourite and had taken most of her mother's affection by being angelic and easy to handle Elizabeth had never felt a iota of envy towards her sister. What she had for Jane was far more than affection between two siblings but a bond of alikeness which was concealed well to those who weren't supposed to see it. Beneath her calmness and quietness Jane harbored a most passionate heart that loved in faith once a flame was kindled within it. Her love didn't go well with the phrase "violently in love" which was used to describe many situations in life. The term meant so many things and yet it meant nothing for it was mistaken with being infatuated with someone rather than loving someone deeply. This misinterpretation turned out to come up in one of her conversation with Aunt Gardiner. "Dearest Auntie, please be explicit. Having told you about Mr. Wickham I simply must know how you feel about it. It wasn't just a passing fancy that tied us together but something I cannot define. Maybe that we've both been ill-treated by Mr. Darcy?" This comment caught Mrs. Gardiner's attention for Elizabeth blushed as she spoke of Mr. Darcy. "Sadly I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Darcy even though the town where I was born and have lived in for about 20 years is very close to his most beautiful estate, Pemberley. The old Mr. Darcy had the respect of everyone and was liked by tenants and servants alike. I can't really believe that his son could have turned out to be such an arrogant wretch, my dear Lizzy." "His entire reputation is soiled with arrogance and displeasing manners, dear aunt. The first time I ever met Mr. Darcy was at a ball where he danced only four dances though gentlemen were scarce and more than one Lady was in want of a partner! Not that he is treating his friends in a better way, all that he has for the people surrounding him is contempt and disgust!" "But not for you, is it no so, my dear Lizzy?" Mrs. Gardiner guessed. "No! Of course not! I'm convinced that he dislikes me as much as I do him! He has no reason to prefer me over anyone since I am only tolerable in his opinion and not handsome enough to tempt him!" "Did he say that or is this your interpretation of his actions?" "No, he said it right before my very eyes! It was humiliating and most tasteless, don't you agree?" Lizzy shot back hotly. Mrs. Gardiner squeezed her niece's hand gently and gave her a look of warm tenderness. She had not yet found out why this Mr. Darcy infuriated Lizzy so much, she had never seen her niece in a state of such fierce anger. And yet Mrs. Gardiner, a woman herself, could feel that Elizabeth wasn't angry with Mr. Darcy but with herself for some reason. Adding her lukewarm affection for Mr. Wickham to this mess hardly made sense but it did point out certain facts. For some reason Elizabeth seemed to be thinking of Mr. Darcy a lot which didn't make sense for normally she laughed at people she couldn't stand and forgot about them. Mrs. Gardiner wasn't suspecting any tender feelings for Mr. Darcy on her niece's part because once the thought had entered her mind she abandoned it quickly, knowing Lizzy's temper and shifting of moods. "Why of course it was inappropriate of him to speak so. But why don't you just laugh yourself out of the situation as you usually do? Lizzy, it's not like you at all to be thus offended by a man you barely know." Mrs. Gardiner concluded wisely. A man she barely knew? If that were the case Elizabeth wouldn't even have bothered to think of this most unfortunate incident any more. It was his most puzzling behaviour which had caught her interest. He had declared his love for her and had offended her in the same moment. To this day she asked herself if she had made the right choice in refusing him for her pride's sake because no matter how much she tried to fool the people around her she did have feelings for Mr. Darcy. [pic] The Gardiners stayed at Longbourn for another week which gave Mrs. Gardiner the chance to meet Mr. Wickham in person. After hearing so much praise from Mrs. Bennet and warm recommendation from Elizabeth, Mrs. Gardiner was slightly disappointed at their meeting. True, he had a handsome face and seemed to have good manners but he had an air about him that Mrs. Gardiner found to be most alarming. His kindness appeared to be shallow, his charm appeared poorly taught from a better original and his wit was an even worse caricature, just a few phrases he had learned by heart and used with everyone he met, no matter who it was. Watching her niece and Mr. Wickham she didn't notice any sign of real affection but rather something between them which was imagined rather than felt on both accounts and nurtured with pretended alikeness and rather shallow compliments and glances. Of course neither her niece nor Mr. Wickham indulged into any kind of improper behaviour but Mrs. Gardiner was decided to prevent more harm being done and wanted to speak to Elizabeth about it herself. "You are too sensible a girl, Lizzy, to fall in love merely because you are warned against it; and, therefore, I am not afraid of speaking openly. Seriously, I would have you be on your guard. Do not involve yourself, or endeavour to involve him in an affection which the want of fortune would make so very imprudent. Though I can see no fault or harm in him I advise you against nurturing this acquaintance beyond anything but a formal friendship. I can see that you're very fond of Mr. Wickham and that my feeling worried about it won't change this. But as it is-you must not let your fancy run away with you. You have sense, and we all expect you to use it. Your father would depend on your resolution and good conduct, I am sure. You must not disappoint your father." "Dear Aunt, this is a serious talk!" Elizabeth responded. "Yes and I expect you to be as serious as I am in return!" "Be assured that I'm fully aware of the situation and as you know me, I won't be blinded by a fancy. I know my duty and Mr. Wickham knows his. As it is now, I'm not in love with him and he isn't in love with me. My father has a fairly favourable opinion of him even though he advised caution above all." "Lizzy, your father is a wise man and I'm sure he has his reasons for advising caution towards anyone he sees you with. Don't you agree?" "Yes, even though I haven't seen the point of it yet, something is lurking underneath this facade which I cannot make out. I know it should be Mr. Darcy to make me feel uneasy in an uncomfortable way when I'm in his presence but the more I think of it, the more I find it to be untrue. Mr. Darcy might not be as jovial as Mr. Bingley or as engaging as Mr. Wickham but he fascinates me for no particular reason, none that I am aware of, I might say...." She knew this to be untrue but was there a better way to describe her difficult situation safely?

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Part the Seventh~The engagement (Mush-alarm!)

Posted on Monday, 31 March 2003 If the circumstances which had led to the betrothal were troubling Charlotte Lucas in any way she was concealing it well. In fact she was quite determined to regard them as a blessing from heaven, saving her from becoming a spinster and her family from a burden. Not being romantic and only asking for a comfortable home certainly spared her the pain of being married off without love or real affection. She didn't miss her betrothed while he was in Kent asking for Lady Catherine's approval of the match. The Lady in question gave her blessing willingly after hearing a serenade of love and affection from Mr. Collins who just couldn't stop repeating why "his dear Charlotte" made him "the happiest of men". Elizabeth had ceased trying to understand her friend's decision to marry for her own comfort. Here the difference between two natures became painfully clear, where one expected the utmost from life and love the other was ready to settle for less, not knowing that ultimate bliss was out of reach forevermore. But Charlotte Lucas didn't expect much from life, she was hoping to settle for habit with a husband, perhaps even friendship. "I shall depend on hearing from you very often, Eliza." "That you certainly shall." Elizabeth responded warmly. "And I have another favour to ask. Will you come and see me?" "We shall often meet, I hope, in Hertfordshire." "I am not likely to leave Kent for some time. Promise me, therefore, to come to Hunsford." Elizabeth could not refuse, though she foresaw little pleasure in the visit. "My father and Maria are to come to me in March," added Charlotte, "and I hope you will consent to be of the party. Indeed, Eliza, you will be as welcome to me as either of them." "Well, I promise you that I'll come and see you, how can I refuse to see the marvelous chimney of Rosings Park?" Lizzy smiled. "I have been invited by my Aunt Gardiner to stay with them for a while to support Jane, so I won't be able to write as often as I'd like to but I shall think of you very often. Charlotte, I know I've said many things which may have distressed you, I'd like to tell you that I never meant to upset you. I wish you all imaginable bliss and happiness!" "Dear Lizzy, do not let this overcome you. I can see what you're feeling and that you're sad for me. Please, do not feel bad for me. It was my decision to do this and I know it was the right choice. I too wish you all imaginable bliss and happiness in this life, whatever it may have in store for you." [pic] Even though both sisters had written to the Bingleys announcing their arrival neither of them received any response. Jane, who believed that the letters might have been lost on the way, failed to persuade Elizabeth to wait for a natural possibility to call in Grosvenor- street. Elizabeth was determined to find out why neither Caroline Bingley nor Mister Bingley had answered their letters. Both Jane and Elizabeth were received formally by Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst; both of them made it very clear that they took no pleasure in seeing their "dear friends". When Elizabeth wanted to know about Mr. Bingley's whereabouts she was told that he knew of them being in town but that he was far to occupied with Mr. Darcy and his sister at present. Miss Bingley had intended to cut this visit short by pretending that she and Louisa had to go out to visit some friends but it was just to much of a satisfaction to see the Bennet-sisters being put in their place. What on earth were they thinking; her brother marrying a pretty girl without fortune if he had the possibility to marry Miss Darcy? Caroline had planned their union carefully, it was the first step to link herself to Mr. Darcy, the man she was decided to marry. True enough, he had not yet declared himself but Caroline was patient and all too willing to wait for the right moment. Her brother's betrothal to Miss Darcy wouldn't only tie him to her family but also break the ice between them. But not even greedy Miss Bingley had been ignorant of the affection her brother had for Miss Jane Bennet. Caroline approved of Miss Bennet as an acquaintance and would have called her a friend had she been born into another family. But she couldn't allow her to destroy her plan with the Darcy-family. Knowing her brother's sensibility she invented a story of Jane having refused a good man for lack of fortune and using Mrs. Bennet's praise of her daughter's beauty and the high number of her suitors as presented by the proud mother, she finally persuaded her brother to give her up, even though he had wanted to ask for her hand in marriage. Mr. Darcy himself had thought little of his friends infatuation with Miss Bennet, he had often seen him in love before and normally this passed with a change of society and surroundings. He himself had nothing against Miss Bennet except her tendency to have a smile for every fool and approving of everyone. People who were trying to approve with everyone they met annoyed him for being rather shallow. Like quite a few others he failed to see that Jane's kindness was as real as her affection for the people dear to her. After watching his friend and his idol for a while he saw no need to worry any further. True, there was much admiration on Bingley's part but not until the ball at Netherfield did he suspect a lasting affection on his friend's part. At this very ball Mr. Bingley had had only eyes for her and had danced five dances with Miss Bennet. His eyes followed her everywhere, his attention received a friendly echo but it seemed that her heart was not likely to be easily touched. Not until the incident in the starlit garden did he realise this to be untrue. True enough, the Bennet-family and its relations were way beneath Bingley's status in life, not to speak of his own, but had meant it when he called Elizabeth perfection. Bingley's sister had offended her with a dreadful tirade, humiliating her and her family, and her tears had revealed an entire truth to him, that family and condition in life did not justify negative judgement in advance, something which had caused much pain in the past. As they were on their way to Bingley's home Darcy was observing his friend and his sister. Unlike most he didn't want them to marry, he wanted his sister to wait until she was eighteen at least, not to mention the time he meant to grant her to get over Wickham's intrigue. Georgiana had always been an insecure shy girl, charming when someone was able to make her come out of her shell but also easily intimidated and impressed. Wickham was the first who seemed to be interested in her as a woman, after their peaceful past she had no reason to deny him her trust. Seeing what this wretch had done to her rekindled Darcy's anger for Wickham, he would never forgive him having smashed her innocence thus. Entering Bingley's beautiful townhouse they overheard some chatter from the salon with the big chimney. Caroline and Mrs. Hurst were entertaining visitors... Later neither Mr. Darcy nor Mr. Bingley could tell for sure who was the more surprised to find the Lady of his heart next door. The warm, beautiful timbre of Jane's voice caused an emotional sensation within Mr. Bingley who went into the salon right away. Seeing Miss Bennet and her sister again delighted him but both seemed to be very surprised to see him at this hour. He had not heard from Jane ever since he had left Netherfield, how could he not be surprised? "Miss Bennet! What an unexpected delight to find you here! And Miss Elizabeth is with you! How do you do?" Mr. Bingley noticed that Caroline's face was pale beyond compare and seeing Miss Elizabeth's gaze fixed on her face she blushed violently. "Dear Sir, I'm very well indeed and I too am delighted to see you again. My sister and I were calling on Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst to re-assure them of our friendship. How lovely to see that even though you're busy with so many things you do have the time to remember your friends from Hertfordshire so well." "Pardon me, Miss Bennet, but I don't understand. Right now I may not be completely idle but I have as much spare-time as I need to be with those who are dear to me, such as family and friends." he cried kindly but firmly. Now it was Jane who blushed violently for nothing hurt her as much as finding out that someone she cared for had lied to her. She fought for words and shot pitiful glances at Lizzy. Elizabeth's heart went out to Jane, even though she had answered Mr. Bingley's greeting with a delighted smile she had realised immediately what was going on. Poor Jane, always trying to see the silver line no matter how many clouds were blocking the sun. "Mr. Bingley, I've heard that you and Mr. Darcy went back to town together. Please tell me, how is he?" she tried to revive the ease between them. "How kind of you to ask, Miss Bennet. My friend is very well and will join us here soon. You will stay for tea, won't you? I'd be honoured!"

"Of course, we'll be delighted!" Of course Miss Bingley was feeling unwell and excused herself for the afternoon while Mrs. Hurst went off to visit some friends nearby. Elizabeth's blazing eyes seemed to push her right out of the room, Caroline felt like being punched in the stomach. All she could do was hoping that not too much of her lies would be unmasked as such. Meanwhile Mr. Darcy and joined Mister Bingley and the Bennet-sisters after sending his sister home, she was scared of meeting new people and right now he couldn't refuse her anything. It was a delight to see Elizabeth again and after and awkward moment they were engaged in a lively conversation about music. "Miss Bennet, my sister seems to love music as much as you do, she prefers playing and singing over almost anything else except the solitude of our gardens at Pemberley. Do I ask to much....Will you allow me to present my sister to you?" "I'd be delighted to make her acquaintance, I assure you." Elizabeth replied with a fair smile, once more he could hear and feel her smile like a physical sensation. Elizabeth enjoyed talking with Mr. Darcy but watching her sister with Mr. Bingley pleased her even more. It seemed as if Mr. Bingley was renewing his attentions all over, the effect could be seen on Jane who was glowing from within. Never before had she been so serene and happy, her feelings were truly written in her face. Elizabeth also watched Mr. Darcy whose eyes rested on the happy couple for a long time, as if to comprehend their joy to the fullest. "They seem to be so happy......" he said quietly, wondering why he was saying it out loud. "Yes, they are. I've never seen my sister blooming like this, she rarely ever betrays too much of her feelings for fear of appearing improper to others." Elizabeth explained. "Yes, I've realised that some time ago. Miss Bennet, will you forgive me for behaving like the arrogant man you must think I am? I never meant to hurt you or your family, what I did I had thought was done for the best but I've realised that presumption and arrogance led me to a misconception of things. If I have offended you in any way, please accept my most sincere apologies." said he with a most intense glance. His words touched a most sensitive chord within her, she could feel how much this meant to him and knowing that she would entrust him with her life if needed, she nodded and smiled at him. It was as if a wall between them had been broken down, allowing them to face each other honestly. "Mr. Darcy, it is I who has to apologise to you for misinterpreting your actions and believing vile rumors instead of trusting my own judgment of you. Normally I don't give gossip a second thought, I don't know why I did this time and I hope that you'll accept my apology as I accept yours willingly." she concluded most carefully. [pic] After their wonderful first meeting at Mr. Bingley's townhouse they called on him frequently and received them many times at Gracechurch- Street. As the weeks passed the love between Jane and Mr. Bingley deepened, as did the friendship between Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. They spent hours discussing books and music and it was a most enchanting feat between them to tease each other. Leaving Lizzy and Darcy with the Gardiners Mr. Bingley and Jane went into the small garden of the house to enjoy the last rays of the sun. Ever since he had seen her again Bingley intended to propose to her despite everything and after speaking to Darcy he felt most encouraged having his friend's blessing for the match. "Miss Bennet, I have something to tell you which means the world to me." He paused for a moment to see approval in her serene face, then he continued thus, "Ever since I had the pleasure of being introduced to you I knew that my life and happiness are in your hands. Miss Bennet, Jane.... I love you so, I always have and I'd be the happiest man in the world if you'd consent to be my wife!" he finished, running out of breath. She was far too moved to respond with anything but glances and gestures. Her heart was overflowing with joy and thankfulness, every word he spoke gave wings to her love and meeting his glance she nodded and smiled her angelic smile. "Will you wear this as a sign of my never-ending love and admiration?" he asked, showing her the betrothal ring of his grandmother. It was a silver ring, graced with a single sapphire. "Oh, Charles! It glitters like a star! How beautiful!" "You are the star and it's light is lost in yours!" he cried. While he put the ring on her right hand he caressed her golden curls with his other hand, placing a gentle kiss on her rosebud-mouth, thus sealing their betrothal. [pic] But while bonds of roses were formed in London, elsewhere a bond of a very different nature was developed, jeopardizing everyone's happiness and peace.

To be continued...

[pic] © 2002, 2003 Copyright held by the author.