Title: Dirty Talk.
Pairings: Cherry. Samtana. Chevans. Cherrytana. Samchel. Puckleberry. MattxMercedes.
Warnings: Nothing overly bad, but there is sex refrences in here...
A/N: I've been overly bored these past few days and started writing these. I was going to post them sepratley, but I cannot be bothered anymore. Enjoy. (Sorry for any mistakes, I don't have word on here and I'm to lazy to spell check anything)
(352): I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
"Good night?" Puck smirked as Mike fell into the kitchen around midday, hand across his forehead as if it was somehow stopping the throbbing.
"I don't remember drinking as much as my body seems to think I have" Mike answered, heading for the kitchen sink so that he could take a mouthful of water straight from the tap, before splashing some across his face.
"Yeah, you were pretty gone last night, Sam left in the end because you kept trying to mack on him"
"I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone" His reply came back as if it somehow justified the fact. "Their sexual preference was none of my concern"
"Don't think Evans saw it that way" Puck smirked. "However, you did finally kiss Rachel and you got her and Santana to give us a little show behind the club after you'd finished puking, which I must add, you cried until Rachel held your non-existent hair back"
"Oh god"
"Don't worry about it, they were both pretty gone too"
(575): We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
"I think we should have probably text Puck to let him know we decided to ditch" Rachel stated as she dropped down on the floor of her living room at the small coffee table, dropping the tequila down.
Mike smiled at her from where he was sat facing her, the fact she'd just called her best friend Puck, told him she was on her way to getting wasted.
"He'll get over it" He promised. "Anyway, Santana and Sam were heading out with him too so it's not like he's alone"
She nodded, pulling the spoons from her pocket and placing them on the table, with a smirk.
"We're actually doing this?"
"Well yes" She replied. "You did make me put the soundtrack to Mary Poppins on the sound system so it seems only fit that we take shots, from spoons. You know, like a spoon full of alcohol is going to make you puke"
Mike rolled his eyes laughing. "All right, fine. Let's get this started"
Half way through the bottle of tequila, Mike's phone alerted him to a text. He moved Rachel's head from his leg slightly so that he could fish his phone from his pocket, laughing as she let out a whine of protest, holding her head.
Dude, where the hell are you and Rach? Cheers for letting me know you were ditching.
Mike smiled as he began his text back. We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins, pretty brilliant night if you ask me. Sorry dude.
(609): sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Santana smirked to herself as she caught the date on the calendar stuck to her fridge. September, the first month of their second year at college, the month that depressed them because they had to leave some of the summer behind.
It wasn't as fun getting drunk on a Wednesday night in September, there was nothing worse than a law class with an almighty hangover.
Picking her phone up off the kitchen counter, she opened a BBM conversation up adding Rachel, Mike, Puck, Mercedes and Kurt into it. Kurt would give her some shit excuse as to why he wouldn't be partaking in such an activity, he'd turned into Berry since college, it kind of freaked her out.
S;
Bitches, sleazy September. First one with mono loses.
Puckzilla;
You're on Satan.
Kurt;
I'll sit this one out thank you very much. However, have fun.
Cedes;
Wait, Santana, aren't you like immune to mono?
S;
I've had mono so many times, it turned into stereo. ;)
R;
Cheat! However, I will be partaking, this should be a laugh.
S;
Good luck losers.
Mike;
I hope, somehow, I will actually pray, that San is the first one to get mono. It will be beautiful.
xoxox
"You look like shit" Puck smirked as Santana fell into the booth next to Mercedes, who was sat next to Kurt, Puck sitting on the edge next to him.
"I feel like shit" She spat back, taking a long drink of the glass of water they'd ordered her.
"So, you lost?" Mercedes smirked.
Mike and Rachel joined them at the booth, Rachel falling next to Santana leaving Mike to take the end. Mike, tried and fail to hold back a cough as he reached for his own water, avoiding everyone's eyes as they turned to look at him.
"Wait, you're ill too?" Puck smirked. "You totally got sleazy with Santana"
Santana glared at Puck, before hiding her face as Rachel let out a groan of pain, rubbing her neck.
"Oh my god, the three of you all have mono" Kurt blurted, before he grinned, Mercedes letting out a laugh.
"This is gold. So when did the three of you have this little get together?"
"We don't want to talk about it" Santana spat out, digging her fork into her burger with force as the waitress placed it in front of her. "Ever"
(406): you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Rachel lets out a groan as she turns over onto her back, the muscles fighting against the sudden movement. Stretching her arms, she flinches at the pounding in her head, all the while trying to remember what the hell happened last night.
Her minds get's as far as to the shots Santana had brought out from their cupboard last night, before it blows off into a haze. Rolling from her bed, Rachel frowns down at Mercedes, who is curled up under a snuggie on her floor, using Rachel's shoes as a pillow.
Stumbling her way downstairs, she nods at Puck who is sat at the kitchen table with a smug smirk.
"Morning Caroline"
So now she knows she did something bad, because only Puck would be proud of her for doing something so un-berry like and he only uses that nickname when he thinks the sun shines out of her ass.
"What did I do?"
She kind of doesn't want to know.
"Can't say, it's not really as hilarious coming from me" He replied. "It's epic though, like seriously Rach"
She sighs as she sits down at the table, water and two aspirins in hand. She swallows the pills as Mike stumbles into the house, straight into the kitchen and towards the coffee machine. Puck begins to titter to himself and Rachel can't bring herself to look at Mike, not now she's certain it's something to do with him too.
"Thanks for bailing me out Puck" Mike breaks the silence with his sarcastic tone.
"No problem dude, any time" Puck giggles. "Dude, they told me they were letting you go in the morning anyway and it would have been a waste of money. Plus, you now have an IOU to check in"
Rachel eyes Puck curiously as he smirks at her, before he turns to Mike a huge grin breaking out onto his face.
"By the way, she doesn't remember anything from last night, so you might want to fill her in before you cash it"
Rachel finally turns to look at Mike who is trying his best to glare at her, only a soft smile breaks out onto his face at the obvious confusion. She finally breaks, slamming her hands onto the table, wincing at the sound.
"Okay, I'm lost. Could someone please tell me what the hell happened last night?"
"Santana spiked the shots, we all got a little rowdy and decided to go to the park and then from there, I ended up at the cop station for the night"
"Because of you" Puck added, nudging Rachel, the shit eating grin still evident on his face.
"What? How did you get arrested because of me?" She raised her eyebrow.
Mike shrugged. "The police came to move us along from the park but you had different ideas and started telling them that I was trying to get you to marry me so that I could stay in the country because I was on my way to being deported to Christmas Island, so they took me in before realising that you were just bull shitting and that I was in fact born in this country"
Puck was practically howling with laughter by the end of it, Rachel hitting him as she looked up apologetically.
"I'm so sorry Mike, I shouldn't have done that, it was also fairly racist of me"
"Hey Rach, don't worry about it, it's actually pretty hilarious" He shook his head to assure her. "Plus Santana spiked the drinks so we can blame everything on her"
Rachel smiled lightly as she stood up pulling him into a hug. "If there's anything I can ever do to say sorry, just let me know"
"Dude has an IOU" Puck added helpfully "and dude, she just said anything"
Mike laughed a little as Rachel turned to glare at him, before she turned back to him, a small smirk on her face.
"I'm not the kind of girl to go back on her word" She shrugged, before heading from the kitchen up to her room.
"Dude, jump on that shit, now!" Puck warned as Mike managed to pick his jaw up from the floor. Puck rolled his eyes as Mike hesitated, grabbing his best friends phone that had been given to him last night, opening up a new BBM conversation with Rachel.
Mike;
You got me arrested, I just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob.
Mike made some sort of girly noise as he realised what Puck had just done, leaping to grab his phone from the amused males hands. "Puck, she's going to fucking hate me now"
"Doubt it"
R;
Well you're going to have to come up here to receive it.
Puck rolled his eyes as Mike swiftly moved from the kitchen, towards the stairs, Rachel's door being slammed shut a few seconds later.
(469): on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
"Hey Cedes, how's that work conference?" Rachel asked as she answered her ringing phone, the Chinese Puck had ordered for her, Kurt, Mike and himself making its way onto her lap. Kurt's head turned to look at her as he picked up who was on the phone.
"Got boring after the tenth speaker so Santana talked me into sneaking out, probably one of the worst ideas I've ever had"
"Why?" Rachel felt sympathy for her friend, Santana could make you do stupid things with the click of her fingers, Rachel still didn't understand how but Kurt was certain she was some kind of jedi.
"Well on the list of things I learned today that are not stripper poles are, ex-boyfriends, table legs and police officers"
Rachel managed to swallow her food, before laughing loudly, Kurt quickly patting her bag as it turned into a half hearted choke. The other two boys turned to look at her with raised eyebrows.
"Are you being serious?"
"Deadly. Santana thought it'd be fun to get a few drinks in us before heading back to face the conference, only a few drinks isn't just a few with her is it? I basically ended up trying to dance around Jake, he thought it was amusing, his new girlfriend however didn't, Santana gave her a black eye"
"Oh god"
"Yeah, then there was the table leg incident in this restaurant, pretty sure they've banned the two of us from every single one in the country"
Rachel giggled a little. "How does the cop fit in?"
Mercedes let out a groan. "Well, they came to remove us from the restaurant and obviously I thought it'd be pretty hilarious to use the hot one as a stripper pole, he however found no amusement in it and that's why I'm ringing"
"You're not in jail right now, are you?"
"I'm sorry Rach!" Mercedes pleaded. "We need bailing out, they said $200 each and we're free to go"
"I'm only doing this because it's you in there, if this was Santana alone she could spend the night in that place" Rachel clarified.
"Thank you so much, I'll get them to message you the address" Mercedes answered. "I owe you Rach"
"No you don't" Rachel promised, placing her food onto the coffee table, pulling the shoes lay on the floor onto her feet. "How you got arrested is good enough for me. I'll be there as soon as possible"
Hanging up, she turned to Kurt as she felt his eyes boring into her. She just shrugged grabbing her jacket that was lay over the back of the chair Mike was sat in, pulling it on.
"What the hell just happened?" Puck asked.
"Cedes and San are in jail" She answered as if it wasn't a big deal.
"What, why?" Kurt fretted, standing up and grabbing his own shoes. "I'm coming with you"
"Fine" Rachel smiled. "She can tell you everything when I've bailed them out. Although, I have the urge to leave San in there"
"Bring them both back" Mike warned a smirking Rachel.
(610): Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Santana frowned down at her reflection in the bathroom mirror as she stepped out of the shower. Her hands came out to rub across the faint bruises.
There were three of them littering her skin. The first one was on the outside of her right leg and ran across it diagonally, the next one was across her stomach, running around to her hip. The last ran just under her breast, and towards her shoulder.
Pulling a pair of panties and a bra on, she made her way down to the kitchen, clapping to get everyone's attention.
"Santana!" Kurt shrieked covering his eyes. "Put some god damn' clothes on"
Ignoring him, Santana pointed to all three bruises, before looking up at them expectantly. "How the hell did I get these?"
"Probably on the ride home last night" Rachel pointed out, rolling her eyes as Kurt asked someone to throw her a t-shirt.
"That still doesn't clear anything up"
"Ask Cedes, she was your driver" Mike replied, before turning to Puck. "This is why one of us two needs to be designated driver sometimes, so that we don't end up having to walk home in the pouring rain at 3am"
Mercedes smiled as she turned to Santana. "You and Rach were both a little rowdy last night, you more so and I wanted to make sure you got home safely"
"You wouldn't sit still" Rachel added in.
At Santana's confused look, Mercedes rolled her eyes. "Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all three seatbelts, then so be it"
(760): I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Brittany beams at her friends as she heads towards them, falling into the booth at the coffee shop. Her dance troop were currently on tour supporting some new band that none of them have heard of, but it's still so fucking cool, because Britt is actually doing the one thing she'd always wanted to do and touring it. That's how she ends up in New York and how she manages to rope Mercedes, Santana and Rachel into the meeting, not that they minded all that much.
"Hey guys, god, I've missed you all so much" Brittany sighs.
"Aw B, we miss you too" Santana assures her.
"How long are you here for? The boys would really love to see you" Mercedes adds.
"Five days" She answers. "Long enough to have one of these crazy nights out you're always telling me about"
"Good! When are you free?"
"I have a show tonight, and tomorrow, but after the show tomorrow would be good, I have the day after off"
"Well then, that's sorted" Santana grinned, before eyeing the packet sat in Brittany's lap. "What are those?"
Brittany looked confused, before looking down to her lap, smiling. "Jelly beans, from Dylans Candy Bar"
Rachel just missed Santana as she spat her coffee out, Mercedes quickly patting her back to ease the coughs she was now spluttering out.
"What the hell Rae?"
"Sorry" She muttered, her face a crimson red.
Brittany looked between Rachel and the jelly beans, before giggling. "Spill, what dirty night did you have that involved jelly beans and who the hell was it with?"
Rachel blushed deeper, which apparently was possible.
"Hey, I saw Mike carrying some jelly beans around this morning with a shit eating grin on his face" Mercedes spoke up, before she laughed loudly, realistion hitting her.
"You and Chang again?" Santana asked. "Fuck me Berry, why are the two of you not dating?"
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Because neither of us have the intention of dating, we just mess around, you know, like you do with Noah sometimes"
"I haven't in years" Santana defended. "Anyway, moving on, what the fuck did you do with jelly beans?"
"Yeah, please tell me it's not something highly disgusting, I do want to be able to eat them" Mercedes shuddered.
"It was nothing really" Rachel shrugged, groaning as Brittany threw one at her. "Honestly, we were just watching a film in my room at first, eating jelly beans and then things just got a little hot..."
"Like they always seem to do with the two of you"
Rachel glared at Santana. "I fed him jelly beans whilst he fingered me, it was a win, win situation and not that big of a deal"
Brittany giggled, high fiving her friend.
(503): He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Mercedes walked into the living room, giggling to herself as she took a handful of the sour patch kids lay in a bowl, sitting herself next to Rachel, who was curled up, head against Mike's thigh like it was a totally normal friend move and not because the two had all this pent up sexual frustration for eachother, added with those feelings that they'd pushed far down.
Santana turned to look at her from where she was sat on the other sofa, Kurt's legs across her laps. "What are you giggling to yourself for?"
"I just got a phone call from Puck, a pretty hilarious one" She shrugged.
"Saying what? Where is he, he was supposed to be picking us up food with Sam and heading over here?" Kurt asked.
"Sam's on his way" Mercedes promised. "Puck however won't be here for a while"
"What did he do?" Rachel sighed, eyes moving from the television to look up at her.
"Cop station. He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink his vodka until he could bail himself out"
"Sounds like Puck" Mike commented. "Did he say why he was in?"
Mercedes shook her head, laughing.
"Don't you think we should maybe go bail him out?" Kurt pointed out.
"What, like he bailed me out when Rachel got me arrested? No way, let him do this himself" Mike dismissed.
"Yeah, he'll be out by morning" Rachel answered.
"If he isn't Kurt, then I promise we'll haul him out tomorrow" Santana finished.
"So, where is this vodka?" Rachel piped up.
(413): They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
"So why did we wake up in the same bed this morning?" Rachel asked as herself and Santana headed towards local iHop to pick up some food. "I mean, not that it's a rare thing, but Sam and Mike were there too, it's a little weird"
"You mean you don't remember?" Santana asked, eyebrow raising as Rachel shook her head once more, parking the car. "Oh. I'll explain once we're back in the car"
Rachel racked her brains for possibilities as they ordered food, for the boys too, waiting for it to be handed to them before they were back in the car, Santana driving this time. She knew she had a habit of falling into bed with Mike when she was drunk, hell half of the time they weren't even drunk, but the Sam and Santana thing confused her, she would not have had a foursome with her three best friends, no matter how drunk she was.
"Are you going to explain?" Rachel asked, breaking the silence in the car.
"Was I the only one not completely out of my head last night?" Santana muttered, before frowning. "This kind of makes me a slut though, if I knew what I was doing"
Rachel slapped her best friends arm, hard. "Santana Lopez, don't you dare call yourself that again! You are anything but!"
Santana smiled, "Thanks Rach. Um, well last night, the four of us went out yeah?"
"Yeah, I remember as far as the sambuca shots, after that, it's pretty much gone"
"Well as always the boys came back to our place and we kept drinking, then things got a little smutty, you know, like always and well basically they high fived over us while we have them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket"
Rachel spit out the drink she'd just sipped, groaning as it covered her dashboard. "Seriously?"
"Yup" Santana popped the 'p', shrugging. "It's not like it's nothing we haven't done before, I just guess, we don't usually do it together"
"I need to stop drinking around you guys"
Santana giggled a little, parking the car, before the two of them made their way into the house where Sam and Mike were sat opposite ends of the living room, looking anywhere but at each other.
"What's wrong with those two?" Mercedes asked, trying to get an explanation from the girls.
"Oh, they must have woke up in bed together this morning, naked" Santana replied, causing Sam to blush even more, looking towards the floor. "Yeah, that explains it"
"I don't even want to know" Mercedes rolled her eyes, backing into the kitchen once more.
"We have breakfast" Rachel smiled, dropping next to Mike and handing him a box of pancakes, before she opened her own. "By the way, whatever you two think happened between you last night, it didn't"
Santana smiled, patting Sam's back as she handed him his breakfast. "The two of you didn't jump ship, Rach and I woke up with you both too, we just left to get this"
"Why were we all in the same bed?" Mike asked, groaning as Rachel hit him for talking with his mouth full.
"Oh, Rach and I had a competition to see who could give the best blowie, no big deal" Santana shrugged, turning as she heard Mercedes laughter coming from the kitchen.
(808): you were grabbing cocks left and right
(808): you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?"
Rachel frowned as she headed through the house, headache making it hard to keep her eyes fully focused. The boys had crashed at the house last night and this morning all she'd got from them was funny looks.
Puck had smirked at her. Sam had blushed, before turning away and Mike had the gassy look he got when he was trying to keep laughter at bay. She'd rolled her eyes, walking away, because asking them what the hell was going on would be one of the stupidest things she could do.
Instead, she'd made her way to Mercedes room, deciding that her best friend would have some answers for her. After knocking, with no answer, she slid the door open a little, stepping back in shock as she caught sight of the tall, dark, handsome male lay on his back on the bed, eyes closed, Mercedes curled up next to him. Okay, she would not be getting any answers from Mercedes and wait, was that Matt Rutherford?
Shaking her head, she headed back for the safety of her own room, pulling her phone from her clutch that was lay on the floor, texting Santana.
[To]San: What did I do last night, the boys are just giving me a mixture of looks and I don't really want to ask them.
[From]San: You were grabbing cocks left and right, Rach.
Rachel let her jaw drop at the text she received back, all ready to reply as another text came through.
[From]San: You literally grabbed Sam's dick and said, "Who's cock is this?"
Throwing a hand across her face, Rachel groaned. She really needed to stop getting drunk with these people.
[To]San: Can I meet you for lunch? Cedes has someone who kind of looks like Matt in her bed and the boys are hogging the living room.
[From]San: Sure babe, meet me at the entrance to the NYU subway stop at 12. Oh and it is Matt, he's just transferred his course to New York, UCLA wasn't working for him.
Rachel hurried herself to get ready, not stopping to look at the boys on the way out, although Mike's giggles had now erupted.
(508): the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
[To]Rach: Why is the xbox not working, and why does it smell like piss?
[To]San: Puck broke it last night, you don't even want to know how.
[To]Rach: I think I can guess, but c'mon, lay it on me so I can beat the mother fucker up when he heads around this afternoon.
[To]San: For one, he's asleep in the hammock in the garden, he fell into it last night. The worst part of it wasn't him peeing on the x-box. It was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful Santana!
Rachel smiled, grateful as she heard Santana's laugh from downstairs. It wouldn't last long as she'd probably beat Puck up within the next ten minutes, but it gave her a few extra minutes in bed before she had to go save his ass.
"I'll do it" Came the mumble from behind her, Rachel turning to face him, a smile on her face.
"Thank you. Give her another five minutes and then it could be time to intervene"
"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?" Mike exclaimed as Puck stood over the x-box, undoing the zip on his jeans.
"The fucking this is cheating!" Puck raised his voice. "I'm giving it what it deserves"
"I can't watch" Mike cried, hiding his face into his hands and leaning onto Rachel's shoulders, who was still unsure on this whole situation. "Rach, stop him"
She should have really, it was the girls x-box, but there was something about heading over to Noah when he was about to take a pee on the thing that freaked her out. "Noah..."
Mike shook his head in horror as Puck let out a satisfied sigh, finishing his pee, before he uncovered his face, wishing he hadn't as Puck spun to look at Rachel after she called his name, glancing down at his dick that was still hanging from the zip hole, before he looked up at her, making a kissy face.
"Oh my god. Mike, make it stop"
"Dude, put your dick back in your jeans and stop being a creepy fucker. Also, clean that shit up before Santana finds out and hangs you by your balls"
Puck laughs, pulling his jeans back up and doing them up, before he saunters out of the room towards the kitchen. That's the last they hear from him, until they find him in the hammock.
"PUCKERMAN!"
"I think I should probably go help him" Mike whispers again, before he presses a kiss to Rachel's forehead, causing her to blush a little as he rolled over to the edge, clothes from last night crumpled on his body.
"RACHEL, MERCEDES. HELP ME!"
Rachel giggled, rolling her eyes as she followed Mike downstairs and into the back garden, where Santana was currently hitting a curled up Puck with what looked like a plastic spade.
(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Puck groaned as he peeked out of the downstairs toilet again, clearly spotting the legs hanging over the edge of the couch. He'd only popped to the toilet and everyone else had thought it was a good idea to leave a drunk Rachel and Mike on the sofa, which had resulted in the two of them getting into a make out session, a half naked make out session.
He heard Santana giggle from the top of the stairs and he pulled his phone out, glaring at it.
[To]San: Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
She had a slightly better viewing spot than him, so she'd be able to see exactly how bad it was. At her giggle once more, he groaned.
[To]San: I'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
[From]San: I dare you.
Puck rolled his eyes, taking a deep breath before he headed towards the kitchen quickly, shutting the door quietly, as he turned around, he let out a loud scream, covering his eyes.
"KURT!"
Kurt shrugged, from where he was sat on the table, naked, magazine in one hand, knife in the other.
"What the hell dude?"
Santana made her way into the kitchen, practically howling as she spotted the sight in front of her, Kurt grinning at her. Kurt was always fun when he was high.
"What the hell is all the screaming about?" Rachel exclaimed as she headed in. "Kurt... what the hell are you doing?"
"Trying to get you and Mike to stop dry humping on the sofa and take it to your room" He answered.
Mike blushed a little, averting his eyes from Kurt who was still sat in all his glory.
"It's not like you haven't seen any of this before, I'm fairly certain you guys have the same" Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, but dude, we don't want to see yours"
"Well this is my house" Kurt replied, jumping off the table, Puck closing his eyes quickly once more. "If I want to talk around naked, so be it"
Santana managed to get up from leaning against the fridge, following Kurt, the laughs still leaving her body. "That was gold Kurty"
"It certainly was" He replied. "C'mon, I think you need to share more of those cookies with me"