Crackfic
Because school is killing me
And I sorta told about 35378976 people I'm writing one tonight
& for Dannie Elle XDDD
So yeah.
I don't own anything
…
As most eventful days begin with, Myrnin is bored. It's such a regular occurrence now that Amelie has stopped answering the phone when he rings her 567 times in an hour to try and make her answer the phone, that Oliver has given up telling the students that Myrnin is deranged and that Claire has stopped running to the lab at the most inconvenient of times.
It's most depressing for the mad scientist who feels as if everyone ought to run around after him, doing whatever he wants to do. He did save them all, after all.
But, for now, he's pretty stable. He's bored but stable…
…until he finds out that Amelie is marrying Sam and didn't invite him.
It's an accident that he finds out – Claire happens to drop her bag on the floor and out pops a little invite that is just so Amelie; Myrnin can remember that day back in London when she bought 500 of them in preparation for the "marriage to the man of her dreams" or whoever could be conned into marrying her…and now they're here!
"Are you getting married?" he inquires curiously, his voice almost hurt…until he remembers that he managed to kill Shane the other month and Claire thinks that Shane had just happened to fall down the stairs. So she would be getting married to a dead man. Which, in France, he remembers, is actually legal…
She blushes and shakes her head, trying to hide the invite but it failing because it's in Myrnin's hands. "Um…no…it's Amelie," she confesses just before Myrnin opens it. "She didn't want me to tell you because…"
"Because…?" he continues, his eyebrow raising as he wants to burst into tears.
"Because she didn't want you there," Claire mumbles before grabbing her backpack and running through the portal (sans invite – Amelie's got an excuse to kill her now) before Myrnin reacts.
His face crumples as he begins to cry, curling up on the floor in what he thinks could be dog poo but not caring because his bestest friend – who told him she loved him years ago – is getting married…
"AND SHE DIDN'T WANT ME THERE!" he wails out suddenly, reaching out to try and break something, because he's a big baby and likes to have tantrums.
This lasts about three hours, during which he completely seals off the lab and sets off the alarms that, if anyone comes, it will trigger nuclear weapons (hello, he had like 50 years to work on them) that kills the person instantly…and Amelie as well because he reprogrammed the system as she hates him so much.
Then he gets an idea.
If Amelie is marrying Sam, then Ollypop is going to be ALONE! Myrnin thinks wicked thoughts about possibly riling Oliver to the point that he ends up killing himself, but then decides that that is too far – as is making him eat children – so he decides that he wants to get his own back on Amelie's wedding.
He rereads the invite to find out that the wedding is actually tonight, so he's got to get moving on with his little new plan to get back at Amelie. So, with a cheerful bumble to his tone and movements (a- he's insane, b- he may have had a little pick-me-up before he left) he presses a few buttons and is soon cloaked in some sort of anti-sun suit that makes him look like Superman.
Just with more hair and a crazy look in his eyes.
The lid of the shack – it's on hinges, so it's got to be a lid – lifts over and reveals the helicopter that's not really a helicopter as all it is made from is a propeller and a piece of wood, which Myrnin jumps straight onto.
"Common Grounds," he orders it purposefully, pointing his arm out in the direction he thinks the café is…just for the machine thing to go the other way.
.
A few minutes later, Myrnin, entirely sweaty in this Superman suit (should have thought about insulation), jumps off his machine and runs into Common Grounds, the entrance not having any impact because of the time he came in stark naked. Everything since has just been a letdown.
Oliver rolls his eyes at the suit but ignores the crazy vamp as he walks up to the counter. "Amelie is getting married!" Myrnin says, his tone making it sound like he's boasting and that he knows.
"I know, are you trying to make me cry or not?" Oliver sniffles a little, regretting being a vampire because, well, it means that he can't blame a cold for his depression. "Because I know you're going to the wedding, you don't need to rub in that I wasn't…invited!" he wails the last word and falls to the floor, Myrnin rolling his eyes but forgetting he had had the same reaction before.
Helping himself to all the chocolate on the side, Myrnin empties the till and tells the students in the shop to leave before he bites them as he waits for Oliver to recover. "I didn't mean that, you old dog," he replies cheerfully as Oliver hoists himself up from the floor. "Oh, what's that smell…it's dog poo!" he continues as he spots a disgusting mark on Oliver's shirt.
"You meant to tell me she wants to marry me?" Oliver's face is so happy that Myrnin can't refuse continuing this point, losing focus of his original idea to destroy Amelie's house whilst she's gone by the absolute evilness of this one.
"Nearly, Oliver, nearly," Myrnin grimaces but places his arm around Oliver, making note to steal all Oliver's bank cards because he deserves it for being this close to the smelly hippie. "You just need to turn up to the wedding in style, have ruined a few things beforehand so she hates everyone and then you show up…without clothes, of course, as we'll be going in the traditional style," the wickedness of his grin is hidden by the happy squeal that escapes from Oliver's mouth that Amelie wants to marry him.
"What do we do?" he asks excitedly, a touch of genuine nerves in his voice as he runs around, making sure that the café is locked. It is.
"We go have a little bit of alcohol before redecorating the church," Myrnin grins, happy that he can finally have some of Oliver's illusive whiskey collection he stole in the past.
.
Three hours later again (Myrnin likes spending three hours doing things: one hour is too short; two hours is pointless; four hours is too long- he gets bored – so three is perfect) and Myrnin has drunk all the alcohol in Oliver's midget flat (that smells faintly of perfume), whilst the owner has been:
-Doing his hair so that Amelie likes him enough to marry him
-Shaving the little bit of beard he has somehow
-Finding the spray paint Myrnin used to revamp Common Grounds and decides to spray I LOVE AMELIE all over the church walls
-Other things that Myrnin doesn't care about since he's having the best non-boring day ever…and he gets to annoy people!
"You ready, dog?" he drawls through to the other room where he would never go because…well…Oliver sleeps there. That's icky…
"Yes, I think we should go redecorate now," his voice is nervous and Myrnin barely stops himself laughing because Oliver thinks it is real.
"Yes, we shall," Myrnin keeps his tone steady, thinking of pictures slightly too graphical for this fic to calm him down.
.
Only an hour later this time because it's almost time for the wedding, Myrnin and Oliver return to Common Grounds to wait for the wedding to start so Oliver can run in naked and tell Amelie he loves her.
During this past hour, they've managed (well they means Oliver since Myrnin spent the time eating the wedding cake that he was not invited to see) to spray paint all the walls with the above statement in bold, along with lots of stencilled love hearts (they're not very good at drawing them freehand), destroyed Sam's speech and replaced everything that says Sam with Oliver…and been rather unsanitary with Amelie's cutlery, Oliver having licked them.
He's more than slightly obsessed.
And now all Myrnin has to do is play snake on his phone (Amelie confiscated the blackberry after he BBM'd her 100000000 times in about one evening…he forgets the details) which is like so old, whilst Oliver plans what he is going to say to Amelie, sounding more and more like a prick every time he does.
Then they hear the procession of Amelie to the church and know that it's time to get down there to see what she thinks of their décor change – it was a little dreary before, Myrnin has to admit, and even the words Oliver loves Amelie are better than just plain white…
"WHAT HAS HAPPENED?" Amelie screeches as she enters the church, forgetting about the wedding and the fact that she's walking alone because she didn't want to invite the ghost of her father down the aisle with her. Myrnin can hear her from 1000000m away, he presumes, but he's actually just behind her and a bit higher so he has the perfect view.
Nobody else bothered to look at the walls but they do now as they see that someone has destroyed them – and Sam looks very, very upset at the end of the aisle. Yet he soon turns feral and is the nastiest he has ever been, beating up this really nasty vampire dude who said that it's the truth. Way to go, Sam.
Myrnin can see Amelie yelling (yes, the Ice Queen can yell, people, she's not lost her voice because she's old and wrinky) at Claire because she knows that Claire told Myrnin about the invite and she presumes that Myrnin damaged it all. Yet she can't smell him in there so she knows that it wasn't Myrnin…but she knocks Claire out to be on the safe side.
"Where is he?" Amelie growls as she walks through, Myrnin grinning with glee as he realises she's spotted the wedding cake. "Where is Oliver?" she screeches the last word, her tone turning to sound almost like she wants him, when…
He pops out from behind the piano (Myrnin has no idea how he got there)…naked.
Amelie collapses into Sam's arms, who looks like he's ready to set Oliver on fire – bad combination for a vampire – but he can't because Amelie's pretty heavy…in fact, she's pregnant but she's not going to tell anyone about that because a) she's not waited for marriage and b) bit of an issue since she's a vampire...but that's another story.
Amelie's eyes flutter slightly and Sam kisses her, making Oliver scream in agony.
"She loves me, idiot!" Oliver snarls, ignoring the protests of the guests who, like, totally support Samelie. Myrnin can't stop laughing from the balcony, eating more and more of these milky stars he found up there because, well, they're epic and he loves them.
"No, she loves me since she's marrying me," Sam shoots back, admittedly having the upper hand. "And put some clothes on, Oliver; you look like a paedophile." The entire audience laugh at this, making Oliver start to cry.
Getting bored already (he's not in the action), Myrnin jumps off the balcony like he's committing suicide – he was almost about to, alone up there – and strides to the rescue, pulling his Superman outfit off (bound to come in handy) and throws it over Oliver.
"There, he's decent, now what has he done?" he pretends like he hasn't been part of this and Sam looks guilty because, well, he wanted to invite Myrnin, it was just Amelie who said he would ruin things.
"He destroyed in here, flashed Amelie, and ate our wedding cake," Sam growls and Oliver protests as though Myrnin knows everything – but he's forgotten his own name at the minute because the drugs are soo good!
"I think, since dear Amelie is out of the way, I should take charge as the second eldest," Myrnin says pompously, having been waiting for this day for years so he can announce that McDonalds makes everyone have no brains and that anyone who eats it shall be shipped straight to the cow farm outside his shack (he expanded into livestock ages ago; did you not know?)
"Throw him in the dungeons and torture him with pictures of Sam and Amelie," Myrnin orders to the guards standing behind him (who has his foot on Oliver's back in triumph) and the cheers of the audience.
"NOOO, you told me to do this," Oliver protests as he is dragged away but nobody believes him because he's Oliver and he smells strange.
Amelie wakes up as Myrnin begins his victory dance. "Has he gone?" she asks and Sam nods, kissing her again that makes everyone melt and go aww…apart from Claire, who is still unconscious. "Oh, Myrnin, however can I thank you?" she is so gracious to Myrnin, even though he's gotten some chocolate on her white dress, and she is so sad that she didn't invite him to the wedding.
"You can make me Earl of Morganville, give me lots of sweets – aka humans – and allow me to destroy Oliver's life," he asks and Amelie gives him this.
The wedding is all nice and happy and Myrnin isn't bored because he gets to kiss Claire and tell her he loves her. Which is always nice.
.
Myrnin goes home and sits in his shack, cold (he forgot how to put the lid back on), and bored.
Tomorrow is coming, he thinks…tomorrow needs something bigger and better than today.
Oh. Dear. Me.
That was crazy, right?
Please review.
Thanks
Vicky xx