A/N
...so this is what happens when I start to just write while listening to sad sad OST songs and drinking piña colada.
BUT, FINALLY:
Finally I'm posting something Ciel-centered. You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do that.
It's quite short, and quite angsty -but that shouldn't stop you. I really love how it turned out, confused emotional Ciel is one of the things people may wake me up for in the middle of the night, together with Seb in demon-from.
Other than that,
Enjoy and review? Yes? Yes.
DISCLAIMER: If it belonged to me, and it does for real, in my wildest dreams- it'd be called FETISHITSUJI. I think I mentioned that before didn't I?
XD
Tears.
Dear god how Ciel hated crying.
Those salty streaks staining his face, dripping. Dripping.
It was just a reaction, and physical reaction to sorrow, anger. Anything so intense the pain of it couldn't be expressed otherwise.
And everyone did it. Everyone cried. They all did, and it was for that exact reason Ciel loathed it so much.
It made him the same, it was in tears what he was just like them. In sorrow.
But they did not know of a sorrow as great as his own. Of pain so horrible and tearing.
-but it make him the same. The one thing still deeming him human after all.
He wiped furiously at his eyes, nails clawing harshly over those wet cheeks, willing them wet with blood a thousand times more than those god forsaken tears.
Dear god how Ciel hated crying.
Fool.
Foolish.
-for what reason? Why cry now. Idiot. Idiot.
And it wouldn't solve a thing. Nothing. It only exhausted him. Drained him of energy, of the will to get up the next dawn, so put on a frown and pretend it wasn't all doomed.
Doomed. Hmm... He snickered, reminding himself of Sebastian for only a moment, and a shudder shot down his spine.
xxxx
"…you couldn't cry."
His master asks, no, tells him. It's a mere statement. And Sebastian smiles gently pouring the tea.
"What if I ordered you to…" a whisper. Very quiet and muffled due to the sheets pulled up to his nose.
"…an order is absolute my Lord." He replies, smirk hardly hidden.
"But if I did…" Ciel smiles. Have him cry all my tears? Is that what I want? Yes. Maybe…
"Sebastian. Take my tears. Cry them for me., over me. The day you take my soul. Have my sorrow pour through your veins, bleed from your eyes."
Ciel sits up slightly, and watches his demon's expression with interest as he goes on; "Make it horrific. Have my screams echo in your voice, have them deafening. Take my anger and destroy all I've hated so fiercely."
"…because the young Master believes he won't be able to do so himself?" There is no guarded tone, no warning. Nothing. Just those words and Ciel's eyes widen before he snorts and dismisses his butler.
Like he couldn't…. but he couldn't. He just could… not.
His anger, pent up and dangerous, was something so fierce Ciel feared they day he'd release it London would burn. Turn to ashes, drift with the wind and finally drown in the ocean.
Ciel placed the cup back on the tray with shaking fingers, and made his way out of his chamber only clad in his nightgown. White, pristine white, not a single wrinkle or loose tread. So unlike him.
He walked down the stairs into the hallway, the marble floor cold to his bare feet.
xxxx
The garden was nice illuminated only by the pale light of the moon. The shadows cast long and haunting against the dark grass that moved with a wind Ciel couldn't feel.
What he could feel, -and it had the be the only thing left -was Sebastian's gaze on the back of his neck as he slowly made his way to the small pond just outside the mansions grounds. The demon stood on the rooftop, eyes narrowed, slits the color of the reddest wine.
Ciel's feet made no sound padding over the grass towards the little bridge hiding between the many unkempt plants and trees. He remembered coming here, holding onto someone's hand. Something soft, warm. And voices… calling his name.
But it was all blurred. Old memories he wasn't even sure were true. Perhaps he made them up in his loneliest dreams.
"…Sebastian." he murmurs as he bends over the railing of the bridge, eyes fixed on the black surface of the pond.
-and he can hear the 'Yes my Lord.' clearly in his head, and goes on. "…catch me as I fall. But only to make me fall faster…" And he closes his eyes and outstretches his hand as he loses balance and topples over the railing into the water.
It's pleasantly cool, as it engulfs him whole. Soaking him and making him forget which way is up or down. And for a moment he's reminded of his time standing on that very bridge in between his parents. Laughing. Smiling. And Ciel chokes as he sobs but all that enters his mouth is water.
And he's drowning. He knows he is. Any moment now, and he'll pass out due to a lack of oxygen. But it's okay. It's all right. This way he can pretend to drown in his tears a little longer, and this way London doesn't have to suffer with him, no matter how much he sometimes wishes for just that. For everyone to pay for what was done to him
In the end though, he was the only one who ended up paying. With his own very soul. And maybe, just maybe that was the only reason Ciel cried so pathetically loud some nights. Because he knew, no matter how beautiful and perfect his revenge would be, he'd never have time to live on with all his goals accomplished.
What a fool he was.
…do I long for death so…
Is it truly worth all this pain… only to lose once more in the very end.
And Ciel smiles as his small -powerless, child like, beautiful- body sinks deeper and deeper.
xxxx
Sebastian sighs as he watches Ciel fall. And the pond couldn't be more than 13 feet deep, so there's no use diving in in the dramatic fashion his Master probably expects from him.
Instead he counts, slowly. How much longer will the boy stay conscious? When will he hit the bottom? When to save him and carry him back to bed…
When Ciel opens his eyes the moon has disappeared behind a cloud, and Sebastian's in the servants quarters preparing for the upcoming morning.
But it wasn't a dream. Ciel knows it wasn't.
And it will happen again. Ciel knows it will.
Only in tears he was just like them. Like everyone else.
And in tears only, he was reminded there was still a little humanity left within his darkened soul.
Drowning, gasping for a breath that wouldn't relieve, aching for something. Only to be reminded.
"….would you cry my tears, Sebastian?"
"…scream and let my sorrow resound in your voice… Have the world hear my despair, my absolute loathing. Have them feel my hatred and misery long after I'm gone."
Sebastian smirks as he stands outside of his Master's door, listening to his midnight ramblings amused as could be.
"…for me. Would you?"
And Sebastian closes his eyes and whispers; "Yes. My Lord."
Fin