She woke up with a faint gasp escaping her throat, just barely audible; she couldn't summon enough breath for a genuine scream. Like most nights, Tiffany was shaking slightly, her hoodie sticking to her back with her sweat, and she clutched at her thin blanket until her knuckles popped, breathing in slowly through her nose. She could still feel his hands on her, could feel the raw tenderness between her legs, and she was half convinced that when she opened her eyes, she would see his body looming over hers, feel the heaviness of his weight pressing her down, hear his harsh whisper and brutal grunts in her ear.
But when she opened her eyes, just as always, he was not there; she could simply replace one nightmare with another. She could make out the dim outline of her roommate, tossing and turning restlessly in the bed across from hers, could hear the raspy breathing and hissing snores of the other women in her cell block, with only short semi walls surrounding each pair. Tiffany had grown accustomed to falling asleep to their various night noises, everything from lip smacking to talking to farting, and it was usually almost a comfort to hear, lulling her to sleep like white noise. But tonight it wasn't enough. Tonight, it seemed to her that being the only one awake was intolerable, that being surrounded by people completely unaware of her existence was uncomfortable, even frightening.
She sat up in her bed abruptly, hugging her bony knees to her chest, and pulled her hoodie over her head, her back curved as she sat, warding off the uneasiness settling in her gut. But she had never been good with fighting off impulse, and although she was usually somewhat successful at deadening any emotion other than anger, lately, this seemed to be a feat she couldn't quite accomplish. It was less than two minutes before she released her knees and stood up on them in her bed, propping her elbows on the wall separating herself from the prisoner on the other side, Carrie "Boo" Black.
With a fast glance towards where the newby guard was stationed- his head tilted back in a doze, just as Tiffany had suspected- Tiffany peered down again at Boo, already somewhat comforted just looking at the older woman's slightly sagging, snoring sleeping face. The woman that Tiffany had once regarded with disgust and contempt, convinced that she was the worst of the sinning homosexuals and definitely destined for hell, had now become one of the few people in Litchfield that Tiffany regarded as a genuine friend, someone she could talk to and confide in, one of the only people left who seemed to care about Tiffany as more than a prison number or someone to use. Boo still wasn't exactly the kind of person Tiffany would normally pick to hang around, but somewhere along the way she had gotten used to her, and for Tiffany, that sort of meant something, she guessed.
Her bangs hanging half in her eyes, Tiffany leaned over the wall, whispering harshly for Boo to wake up.
"Hey. Hey, Boo. You awake? Hey."
She could see that she was asleep, of course, but she asked anyway. When Boo didn't react to her, only giving a stifled snort, Tiffany raised her voice, just under a normal volume.
"Hey, can't you hear me! Boo, you deaf or something, I'm talkin' to you!"
"Everyone in the whole fucking place can hear you, now shut the fuck up and go to sleep!" snapped Tiffany's roommate from the bed across from hers, but Tiffany ignored her.
She called Boo's name one more time, even more loudly than her previous efforts, and she gave a small, relieved grin when Boo startled and sat up with a grunt, rubbing a pudgy hand over her face. She blinked up at Tiffany uncomprehendingly, her mouth slightly open, and squinted, her brow furrowed heavily as she spoke back in a huskier tone than usual.
"What, Penn, what? I don't do late night calls as a rule, unless they're the kind involving booty."
"What's baby shoes gotta do with anything?" Tiffany asked, genuinely puzzled by the woman's comment. "Ain't like they're gonna fit on your big feet."
When Boo blinked at her again, then gave a short laugh, shaking her head, Tiffany went on, giving a short shrug. "Just seein' if you were up, is all."
"Yeah, Penn, I am definitely up, since you were yowling in my ear. I'm pretty sure the rest of the prison and the guard are up or about to be too," Boo rolled her eyes. She heaved herself to a more upright sitting position, turning to fully face Tiffany as she looked at her a little more softly than her voice would have indicated. "What's up, you all right?"
"He ain't gonna wake up, Angie said Luscheck gave him something so he's gonna be out cold a while, gonna be lesbian shit goin' on all over the place tonight," Tiffany shrugged back at her, her face screwing up into a grimace at the thought. "Just, thought since you're up and all, maybe you can come here a minute?"
Boo's dark eyebrows rose to her hairline. "Come here? Like, to you in your bed? What, you finally change your stance on the "lesbian shit" or something, Penn?"
"Will you stop being gross?" Tiffany scrunched her nose up at her, shaking her head. "I didn't change my mind about nothing. Just…c'mere, okay?"
For a few moments she wasn't sure whether Boo would respond. Then she heard the creek of her mattress as Boo dragged her heavy body off of it and the plodding of her feet as she rounded the dividend to read Tiffany's cell block. Tiffany heard her roommate sigh in disgust and roll over, as though to block out the sight of her entirely, as Boo plopped herself onto Tiffany's mattress, narrowly missing sitting on one of her feet.
"All right, I'm here," she said more quietly to Tiffany, her voice an undertone. "What's up?"
Tiffany's thin shoulders rose and fell in another shrug beneath the loose material of her hoodie.
"I don't know. Just not in the mood to sleep, I guess, you know? Just…thinkin' about stuff, or something."
Boo's face was still soft as she looked at her, and she nodded gently.
"Yeah, I get that." She glanced towards Tiffany's peevish roommate, then shifted her weight on the mattress, leaning forward and whispering into Tiffany's ear. "Look, you know he's not gonna bother you again, right? The epilepsy thing scared him up good, and if he ever tries to start up again, you know what to do."
She lay a hand on Tiffany's, not squeezing her fingers, exactly, just lightly touching its back. Tiffany didn't pull away. Last year, even a few months ago, probably, she would have yanked her hand back like she was being burned with a lighter, but now, she didn't really mind it. It sort of felt nice, even.
"I know that," she whispered back, her gravelly voice lower than usual in her effort to keep it soft. "But he ain't the only one out there like that, you know?"
She didn't have to say to Boo the rest of what she was thinking; even without sharing in detail her life experiences, she knew that Boo understood. It was the way men where, Tiffany had been taught first by her mother, and then experienced first hand for her own self. They didn't care much about her feelings or her pleasure, her desires or her timing. It was about what they wanted and what felt good to them, and after they took it from her, well, then they were finished and they wouldn't give it another thought until they wanted her again, or until she tried to stop them from taking it. There would always be another man who wanted from Tiffany what she didn't feel like giving, who could overpower her even if she did try to say no, and there was nothing in the world that Tiffany knew of that could ever make this change.
Even Boo seemed to understand this. She sighed, giving one heavy nod of her head as she answered her. "You got that right."
They were both quiet for a few more moments, and then Boo spoke again, still serious, her dull blue eyes locked on Tiffany's as she promised her, "No one will do shit to you with Boo around to watch your scrawny back though, Penn. No one's gonna say boo to you…or Doggett either."
She laughed at her own pun, giving her a teasing nudge with her shoulder, and Tiffany smiled, small but genuine, and didn't even roll her eyes. It meant something to her, to know that someone was looking out for her, that someone cared enough to make the offer and mean it, even if she couldn't bring herself to say thank you.
When she shivered, cold in spite of her hoodie pulled up over her head, Boo narrowed her eyes at her, seeming mildly concerned. Reaching to gently roll up one of Tiffany's sleeves, she was careful to avoid touching the bruises still marring her thin wrist and forearm, raising her eyebrows instead at the goose bumps marring her pale skin.
"Damn, girl, look at you, you look like a plucked chicken," she laughed quietly, shaking her head. She rubbed a hand briskly up and down each of Tiffany's arms in an effort to warm her, still teasing in tone as she spoke to her. "Too damn skinny, that's your problem. Didn't you eat that pile of snacks I dropped off on your bed the other day, because if you didn't, you damn well better give them back so I can take care of them or buy someone else's imaginary services."
She chuckled again, removing her hands from Tiffany's arms, but Tiffany eyed her, thinking. Something about the warmth and strength of the other woman's big hands on her arms, combined with the gentle care of her touch, had made her heart clinch in a way she wasn't quite used to…a way that wasn't all that unpleasant to feel. She hesitated, thinking about it, and then slowly reached out her hand, lightly touching the back of Boo's.
"Hey, will you do that again? That arm thing."
Both of Boo's eyebrows raised this time, and she gave a startled, short laugh, but she complied. This time her touch was even more gentle than before, more like a caress than a brisk rub, and when Tiffany shivered again, it was not from cold, but from a strange stirring down low that she was not accustomed to feeling at all, but definitely wasn't something she disliked.
"That don't feel too bad," she murmured, surprise coloring her tone, and Boo slowly removed her hands, her expression serious, still somewhat concerned as she watched Tiffany. She didn't speak, seeming to be sizing her up for a reason Tiffany couldn't have determined, and so Tiffany acted as Tiffany usually did, on the pure impulse of what came to the forefront of her thoughts.
She leaned her shoulder against Boo's, letting her head come to rest against its side, and splayed one hand slowly over Boo's bicep, not quite an embrace, but close. She was testing without quite knowing that she was, seeing how touching and being touched in this way by Boo made her feel. It was definitely different. Boo felt warm, solid, larger than Tiffany in a way that was not threatening or intimidating, like it often could be with men, but rather comforting, because she was soft too. It wasn't like Tiffany was attracted to her or anything. Hell, that would take removing her eyes or something because, gross. But she didn't mind touching her, or being touched by her, like this. She didn't mind at all.
Seeming a little surprised by Tiffany's gesture, but not unwilling, Boo chuckled again, then slid a friendly arm around Tiffany's narrow shoulders, encircling her. "Little snuggly today, Penn? Inviting me into your bed, getting up on all this…you sure I haven't managed to entice you at last to the lesbian dark side?"
Her voice grew a little more serious and she lowered its volume to a whisper, turning her face to put her lips closer to Tiffany's ear as she addressed her where she could be sure that only she would hear.
"You sure you're okay? What's going on in that tiny head of yours?"
Tiffany shrugged the shoulder that wasn't touching Boo's, releasing a slow sigh.
"Nothin' really. I guess just that men kind of suck."
"Well, lesbians do too," Boo said flippantly, her lips curving into a smirk. "And lick, and bite, probe."
"Yeah?" Tiffany lifted her head slightly to look up at her, interested in spite of herself. "I never knowed how they did it. You know…" her voice dropped lower as she shot a furtive glance around herself, as though the other inmates had their ears pressed against the dividend to listen in. "Sex. With lesbians. I mean, how you do that shit if you ain't got the right things to do it with?"
"You wanting an explanation?" Boo asked, amusement coloring her tone, but Tiffany shook her head again, scrunching up her nose at her and furrowing her brow.
"No, not really. It's too gross to think about. I think stuff like that probably goes better if you just kinda go for it."
"Go for it," Boo deadpanned, staring at her, and when Tiffany nodded again, she clarified, seeming to require a more obvious definition of Tiffany's statement. "Go for it, like just jump head first into lesbian sex, or what?"
"Well, yeah, I guess, if you put it like that," Tiffany gestured vaguely with one hand after a moment of thought. "Yeah. The sex thing or kissing, anyway. Probably just go for it."
She paused, then pulled back entirely from Boo, looking her fully in the face as she asked with curiosity, "Do they kiss like guys? You know, lesbians?"
Boo's lips twitched, as though she were trying to suppress a burst of laughter, and her eyes dropped, but not before Tiffany noticed how brightly they were shining, to her confusion.
"No, Penn. Not if they know a damn thing about how to do it right."
"Really?"
"What, you want me to show you or something?" Boo chuckled, but her smile died away when Tiffany shrugged her shoulder again, giving her reply in a casual tone that belied the impact of what she was really saying.
"I guess, all right."
Boo's eyes widened, and she looked at Tiffany sharply, almost rearing slightly back from her. "You serious?"
"Sure, why not? I ain't gonna know unless I see it."
Boo continued to regard her, before reaching out to lay a hand on Tiffany's arm. Her voice gentle, she told her, "Penn. Tiffany. You don't have to do anything. You know that, right? I wouldn't ever make you do anything you didn't want to do. I'm not asking and you don't have to do a damn thing."
"Yeah, I get that, I'm not stupid," Tiffany rolled her eyes, heaving an impatient sigh. "I know, you already said all that stuff before. I'm asking, I guess, so just do it, just kiss me already."
She didn't think for a second that Boo would. She was still looking at her like she'd never really seen her before, like Tiffany had done something incredibly strange. But then she leaned forward, closing her eyes, and reached to cup Tiffany's face in one hand, holding it gently. When her lips pressed against hers, Tiffany closed her eyes too, attempting to concentrate on the sensation.
It was soft. Warm. Wet, when their tongues touched. Definitely it wasn't rough or harsh, and her breath didn't taste or smell bad. When Boo pulled back from her, raising an eyebrow as though to ask her thoughts, Tiffany tilted her head, considering it. She was right; it wasn't like a guy's kiss. At least, not like the kiss of most guys she had encountered.
"Well?" Boo prodded, and Tiffany nodded slightly, still thinking.
"Not bad, I guess. Just kinda weird, you know?"
"Yeah, I guess following your cues and respecting your response is "kind of weird" when you're used to people scraping your tonsils with their teeth," Boo said dryly, rolling her eyes. "Think you'd go for a little chick action again, give Pennsafucky a rep that earns the name, or is that the sum of your conclusion there?" Seeing Tiffany's bemused look, she clarified. "Was that a one time deal, or did you like it enough to make this a regular thing, you and the ladies?"
Tiffany considered for another few moments, replaying the feeling of Boo's lips on hers. She thought it through, and then shook her head decisively.
"Nah, it wasn't gross or whatever, but it ain't doing much for me either. You can keep the ladies." This conclusion stated, she leaned back against Boo, nodding towards her resting arm. "The arm thing though, that's okay."
She heard Boo chuckle, then ruffle her hair affectionately through the hoodie as she slipped an arm back around Tiffany's shoulders. She lay there for a few more minutes in silence, becoming peacefully aware again of the noises of the other inmates' slumber around them, of the weight of Boo against her side, and when she felt herself begin to drift to sleep, Boo pulling away gently and helping her settle back against her mattress, she knew even as her eyes shut that the dreams would not return.
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