Cracks to Let in the Light
A/N: Canon compliant through The Last Jedi as the remaining Resistance forces flee on the Millennium Falcon leaving the First Order behind on Crait.
Chapter 1:
Darkness. The velvety oppressive kind that creeps through the air like a tangible entity seeking to snuff out the light. That was all that Rey was aware of as she slipped into yet another deep dream. She was well acquainted with this particular breed of blackness, as well as what she knew would shortly accompany her entrance into the void of her subconscious.
For the past three months, Rey had accompanied the Resistance and its vastly diminished numbers across the galaxy – narrowly escaping the insistent pursuance of the First Order time and time again – as they hopped from planet to planet, base to base, in an attempt to regroup and formulate a solid counterstrike against their enemy's superior numbers. Although she was glad to do her part to aid the Resistance, the grueling days of ensuring that every aspect of the military effort carried on smoothly quickly took their toll. In between co-piloting the Millennium Falcon with either Chewie or Poe Dameron, weighing in on various with General Organa, being responsible for basic tasks such as maintenance of the Falcon and the few ships and weapons they had been able to salvage from highly reluctant allies, Rey strove to keep up with her training in the Force to further develop her skills, but now, without Master Luke's guidance, Rey was exhausted. But sleep no longer offered the refuge that she needed. It never allowed her to fully rest because in the latest hours of the night, she always encountered HIM.
During the day, it was fairly easy to erect enough mental barriers to keep Kylo Ren out of her head. Her anger and disappointment in his inability to see the appeal of the light made it simple to block him out. At first, she was also able to repel their bond while she slept. Instead of allowing presence, which rubbed against her thoughts like a friendly skittermouse, to invade her mind, she dreamt. And quickly, it became unclear whether it would be more difficult to deal with the sullen Knight of Ren than her nightmares. Her worst memories coalesced into an endless montage of pain and loneliness.
Han's body pierced on the blade of his son's lightsaber. The feeling of Luke's force light being snuffed out. Her own overwhelming sadness about being abandoned on Jakku. Her fear that Kylo Ren was right; that her parents never wanted her. All of her memories with General Organa's son. The first time she saw him on Takodana. Her helplessness. The fear she felt during her interrogation. Their fight on Starkiller Base. Their Force bond. Her trust. His deception. Snoke dead at her feet. His offer to join him… except in her dreams… she always took his gloved hand. The temptation to save him, to end all their conflict, was too great to ignore.
Always the same dream sequence.
And as soon as their fingertips touched – just like in her hut on Ahch-To – she would hurdle into consciousness, drenched in sweat and trembling.
Night after night, this patterned continued. No amount of meditation or comforting words from Poe or Finn were able to break her cycle of nightmares. So, as she worked intensely during the day and her most painful memories ran rampant at night, Rey rapidly stretched herself thin. Less than three weeks into this new regimen, she cracked.
When she fell asleep, her usual mental walls wavered and instead of re-watching Han walk across the bridge on Starkiller like she normally would, she was met by nothingness. Hurriedly extinguishing her hope for a peaceful night's sleep, she felt more than saw Kylo Ren step out of the heavy shadows of her mind to stand in front of her. For the longest time, they didn't speak, just stared. Rey instinctually tried to sever this new dream link, but found that she was simply too tired to put up enough of a fight to push him away. Especially not when the Dark Knight made no move to harm her, apparently content to scrutinize her with impossibly dark eyes. Despite her lingering discomfort to be standing in front of her quasi-enemy after their last encounter, Rey relaxed into the embrace of the velvety darkness finding it much more peaceful than her usual visions. And then they started to talk.
It became a nightly ritual.
At first, Rey felt the guilt of betraying her new family by keeping up these clandestine meetings with the head of the First Order weigh heavily on her conscience. However, the rest that she found in this new limbo was too much of a temptation to push away, even if it meant dealing with her temperamental companion. At times, they fought physically - with projections of their lightsabers and their bodies - other times with biting words. She would call him a monster. He would call her a scavenger rat, a naïve fool. They'd grapple and struggle, attempting to persuade each other to deviate from their chosen paths. To join the other. They frequently exchanged jabs about the First Order and the Resistance's battles.
But at other times, they didn't speak about the ongoing conflict at all. It all faded away and she was just a woman talking to an interesting if not sulky and temperamental man. Until something inevitably happened to send them crashing back into reality. A comment about his past, a snarky remark about Master Skywalker's shortcomings as a master, anything. And then, they'd be back at each other's throats until dawn broke and they went their separate ways once again.
Tonight, she knew, would be no different as she welcomed in the darkness of her mind for what felt like the millionth time.
She heard the rustle of his ridiculously dark cloak as he stepped up behind her.
"Hello Rey", he whispered in his silky dulcet voice.
"Ben", she nodded in recognition, turning to face him and tried to hide the jolt of her heart as she noted how close he had gotten. She was continually shocked by how tall he was and try as she might, she was always a little apprehensive being this close to him as he towered over her much smaller frame. He wouldn't even need the force to crush her, but she knew he wouldn't. As twisted as it was, she trusted him; likewise, she knew he trusted her. She could feel it.
"Rough day?" he smirked at her, taking in vague impressions of her day as he gently caressed her mind. Skimming, never delving too deep; a curious probe completely different from what he'd done during her interrogation.
"You could say that," she muttered as she sat on the ground and quirked an eyebrow at him until he snorted and folded his body to join her. "I sat through so many meetings today and we had to address the lost supply ships that you took out last night." She glared at him halfheartedly.
His lips twitched into a quirky almost-smile.
"It's not my fault that your traitor allies weren't prepared for our assault," he maintained eye contact waiting for her inevitably furious response. Despite knowing that the dark knight took some sort of perverted pleasure in getting a rise out of her, she could not help but reply with righteous fury. Exactly what he always wanted.
"My friends aren't traitors," she nearly hissed, "those vessels shouldn't have even been on the First Order's radar! They didn't even carry weaponry Kylo! You should have let it slide through." Rey's frustration built up to a fevered pitch as she prepared to leap into another argument about their force bond. Shortly after their first shared dream-scape, the young Jedi discovered that she could, to some degree, sense her companion and therefore, the rest of the First Order where they were stationed lightyears away. She knew that is she could feel him (even if it was faint), he would, without a doubt, be able to sense her in return. Eventually, once she'd convinced herself that she wasn't imagining the muted sensation of Ben Solo's force signature, she decided she had nothing to lose asking him about this new development. Before, when their bond was open, she could still only trace him when he was very near or if he'd projected his location to her like when he guided her to him and Snoke. After she talked about her experience with reaching out to feel for him, he explained to her that while he could sense her from farther distances due to his more advanced training, that being able to reach out to her light from as far apart as they were through their connection was new to him as well. Even with Rey keeping her mind firmly shut to Luke's former student during the days, at night, they called to each other like beacons projecting the locations of the Resistance and the First Order as well. Eventually, even with her mind closed during her waking hours, she could detect the faintest hint of him and at times, she couldn't decide if it was comforting knowing he was there or oppressive knowing she couldn't escape him; much like their dream meetings.
So, while they'd agreed to not abuse the intimacy of their connection by stealing secret strategies from the other, this did not prevent either Rey or Kylo Ren from using the advantage of knowing the enemy's general location both aware that the other was doing the exact same. In a vicious game of Loth-cat and mouse, Kylo tracked down the Resistance by tracing Rey's essence and as Rey felt Kylo creeping closer, the Resistance would move, just out of reach. But this dance left outlying ships vulnerable, especially Resistance crafts, when the new Supreme Leader chose to lag behind to counteract Rey's advantage of foresight. Rey always fumed after he outmaneuvered her in such a way so the dreams that they shared after that always tended to be full of combat and yelling as she unleashed her anger on a particularly smug Kylo Ren.
"General Hux made the call Rey, not me," Kylo's annoyingly calm voice drew Rey out of her reverie.
"Aren't you supposed to be in charge, Supreme Leader," Rey sneered hoping to rattle his outward mellowness and provoke his infamous temper.
He rolled his eyes dramatically at her.
"Just because I am in charge doesn't mean I can just ignore the wished of the First Order leaders." He explained patiently, apparently more amused than angered by her outburst. "Make no mistake I am in charge," the intensity in his at this assertion left Rey with little doubt that this man could man a tight ship, "but I need their support," he conceded. "So, I allow their plans to persist for the most part and I turn they do as I say." He shrugged as if the destruction that he condoned was not a big deal. And to him, Rey realized, it probably wasn't.
Rey growled at his lack of concern.
"They weren't carrying anything important Ben! Just some rations and medical supplies. You wouldn't have even noticed that they were heading towards us if it weren't for…," Rey cut herself off, flushing as she revealed what had truly upset her about the First Order's assault.
"Rey," Kylo softened his calm façade in the face of her distress, "I didn't take the ships' location from you; I wouldn't break your trust. Out bond… its, its special to me." He averted his gaze from her eyes to the blackness behind her head to make this nearly tender admission.
Rey sighed softly. "I know Ben, it means a lot to me too," his dark eyes snapped back to hers, "but knowing that I am betraying my friends… it hurts Ben, it kills me." Her hazel eyes welled with frustrated tears as she confessed her guilt to him.
"You aren't handing them over to us, Rey. It's not betrayal. You can feel me as well; I know you use that awareness too." The darkly clad Knight of Ren leaned forward and reached for her hand. With a slight hesitation, Rey gave her hand over to him. He wrapped his large gloved hand around her smooth delicate one and gave it a small squeeze. "The advantages of the Force aren't something to feel ashamed of Rey," he whispered haltingly as if attempting to convince himself of the truth as well.
"I know it's just… I can't help but think of all the lives that we've lost because you could tell where I was," she stated morosely.
"Rey, you can't expect - " he spoke hotly, but didn't pull his hand away.
"I know, I know," she cut him off, "I can't expect you not to use it, it's not like we can really help it plus we are at war," she winced at the reinvocation of that thought, "but I just wish you didn't need to." After being taken aback at being interrupted, Kylo's face relaxed, clearly relieved that she understood his use of their Force bond. Although Rey didn't particularly enjoy the use of such an intimate connection in this way, she couldn't condemn his actions since she had done the exact same thing. And would continue to utilize her ability to trace him as a tactical tool so long as it kept her friends safe.
"It doesn't have to be like this, Rey," his soft voice took on a richer, silky tone, "you could join me; stand by my side and we would rule the galaxy together. We could bring order, balance."
"Don't start this discussion, Ben," Rey snapped as she tugged her hand from his, only to run it across her face wearily feeling the warmth from his hand transfer to her cheek. "We've been down this road before, remember?" Rey was dedicated to the light; she wouldn't abandon the Resistance for her own gain, that's not who she was inside.
"Think about it Rey, you didn't complete your training, there is so much I could teach you," his eyes shone with surprisingly boyish enthusiasm.
"I don't want to learn the ways of the darkside," she retorted fiercely.
His gaze darkened, "the Force is more than just light and dark, Rey," he intoned seriously. "We could learn so much together. We could explore this connection we have and what it means, what we can do with it." He sounded almost desperate and Rey had to take a moment to stop and think.
She knew he lead a solitary existence. She saw a glimpse of his life when she was able to push into his mind as he interrogated he all those months ago. And when he comforted her back on Ach-To, she realized that he knew just what to say to calm her because her loneliness mirrored his own. The Force bond that they shared, although inconvenient at times, was a solace to them both in certain aspects. Growing up, Rey never had the luxury of being able to make friends – it was dangerous to become too close, too dependent, on others on Jakku, it was easy to be taken advantage of – so her new companionship with Ben Solo was thrilling. Clearly, he found her interesting as well and his desire for her to come to him was tempting in a way that Rey hadn't anticipated. While she had Poe and Finn to keep her company and she loved them both dearly, her friendship with them couldn't compare to the intimacy of her bond with Kylo Ren. And this was an incredibly alarming reality.
She never would have guessed that she would have been able to have such a bond with the First Order's enforcer. She was under no illusion that he was a good man, she knew he had committed atrocities in the name of the darkside, but she also knew that he was not lost to the dark. He had too much light in his soul to be what Snoke had wanted. And Ben, on some level, knew that she feared that she held too much darkness in her heart to be pure light the way Master Luke had wanted, the way she wanted. Somehow, even with their drastically different lives and upbringings, they understood one another.
Despite this, Rey couldn't imagine ever doing anything to harm the Resistance. And as small as their numbers were now, leaving -even just abandoning the fight altogether let alone running to the enemy – would cause incredible loses. And taking away the factor of her Force sensitivity induced foresight would have disastrous consequences. But, a deep part of her mind countered, isn't your very presence a threat to the Resistance? Reeling internally, Rey revisited the guilt she felt over giving the First Order a gleaming map to her allies. Of the lives lost because of her strange bond with the new Supreme Leader. What if next time it was Finn who would be killed on a mission that she inadvertently tipped off to the First Order? Or Poe? Or General Organa? Or Chewie? Or Rose? Or and of the friends she had made within the miniscule ranks of the Resistance? Could she live with herself knowing that she was, in a manner, an accomplice in their murders?
As she dwelled on this fear, Rey considered, once again, that going to Kylo Ren's side might not be the betrayal she envisioned. This time, if she went to him, there was no Snoke for him to take her to; he was in charge. And she trusted that he wouldn't harm her. He could teach her, just as he promised, but most importantly, the First Order wouldn't be able to track the Resistance's movements using her anymore! Plus, the closer she was to Ben, the easier it would be to make him see that he belonged with the light. With his mother. With her. Their clandestine talks had solidified her belief that Ben Solo was meant to come home and bring balance to the Force with her at his side. He would never be fully light, but Rey had come to realize that neither was she. Together they could find a middle ground that could lead to peace.
This idea was becoming more and more appealing.
Refocusing, she relocked her eyes on his deep expressive ones. He merely stared back at her patiently allowing her time to sort through her thoughts. For an arrogant, hot-tempered, impulsive man, he could be surprisingly patient with her. Of course, he was equally as capable of being demanding she thought as her mind shifted back to his domineering behavior during her interrogation on Starkiller Base. His cockiness when he first delved into her head and demanded she give in and hand over the map BB-8 had shown her. While the famous Solo swagger wasn't exactly absent from the Knight of Ren, he'd also been shockingly gentle with her even during their dream scape fights.
She surveyed him intensely, taking the time to calmly gauge what expression she could from his mask like face. His impossibly pale skin that contrasted so dramatically with his ebony hair glowed in the odd lighting that always illuminated them in a circle during their shared dreams. His severe aristocratic features, deep set eyes strong jaw line and aquiline nose coalesced to form an intimidating veneer more often than not. But now, his expression was almost soft, his lips weren't drawn tight and his jaw was unclenched, relaxed. Most importantly, his eyes, which, no matter how hard he tried to prevent it, always gave away some faint impressions of his thoughts at least in front of her, were beseeching and hopeful.
A look of… longing? Rey couldn't quite identify the unfamiliar intense emotion that boiled in his bottomless eyes. Whatever it was, it was the final push that Rey needed to speak.
"What," she cleared her throat and took a deep breath in sudden nervousness, "what would happen if I were to come to you again?"