Epilogue because people were nice enough to ask for one! Hope you all enjoy it!
Garrus sits in the mess hall, empty except for Gardner and Thane, head in his hands as he stares at the glass window that looks into the med bay, hoping and hoping and hoping that he'll see her familiar shape get up and walk to the door. But Chakwas and Mordin are still in there, and so is she and she's not sitting up and Garrus doesn't know what he'll do if she doesn't.
Before they'd gone through the relay, there were some murmured conversations with various team mates, the voices somehow too loud, as if compensating for the lack of crew. She'd visited him finally, turning and locking the main battery before she begins to speak. He has excellent hearing, so when she opens her mouth, then shuts it with a quick snap, he hears it and wonders what she could say to him and hopes its not what he wants it to be. Instead of speaking, though, she starts forward, her steps heavy, and he finally turns, finding himself with an armful of exhausted, pissed off Shepard. She stands there, hugging him as his arms stay flaccid at his side, and she squeezes once, briefly, before letting go.
Garrus grits his teeth and wishes to all hell his father would shut up.
Stepping back, she rakes a hand through her hair and doesn't look at him, but he can see the tears nonetheless and doesn't want it to be like this. He wants it to be like when they were on the first Normandy, sitting in the mess hall and conversing quietly over mugs of whatever lukewarm drinks they could find. She laughed much easier then, and he's never felt the sharp ache of her death more than now. He stares at her, helpless as she tries to muster the courage to say something, anything, because he's part of the team, too. But she just sighs and looks down, then back up with a small smile, her heart in her eyes, the broken pieces streaming down her cheeks. "So," she begins and he doesn't want to hear it and tact was never his strong suit, so he interrupts her.
"So nothing," he says, his voice unintentionally harsh, and she jerks in surprise. "We're going to do what we always do, those shits are going to try to do what they always try do, and it will end like it always does." And even though he's gruff and can't explain that it's because he loves her, she seems to understand anyways, wiping the tears in embarrassment as her gaze slides away again. "Ride off into the sunset?" she offers, her voice weak but holding a thread of the strength she clings so hard to for other people. Garrus wishes she didn't have to be strong for him, but she shouldered everything he had and he had never bothered to take it back, so he has no right to offer her empty platitudes; she deserves better. "Guns blazing," he finishes with a nod, then tilts his head, wondering if he can offer this one thing without making everything worse and hopes he can. Moving forward, he ignores her startled look as he envelopes her in his arms, holding her as tightly as he dares to; and then she's kissing him and he can't respond in kind, but tries to when he gently pushes at her lips with his tongue. She moans and winds her arms around his neck and his father is screaming at him again, so he lets go, steps back. Ignores her look, at the tears newly forming, but can't help the wince when her expression hardens, and he realizes that maybe that had been too much, too far. But before he can apologize, she's wiped the tears and is Commander Jane Shepard again.
And Garrus hates that her heart is still in her eyes.
Shepard sighs and hugs Tali as the quarian mourns the loss of the other engineers. She's talking, and Shepard is sure she should be listening, but she is so tired and everyone needs something and she needs to find Garrus because she needs to talk. So Shepard nods and rubs her back, listening to her talk about how Kenneth revolutionized couplings for some sort of connection, and Jane is trying really hard to understand and feels shittier when Tali stares at her as if waiting for a response. Opting for honesty, Shepard says, "I'm sorry, Tali, I have no clue what a coupling is. Unless we're talking about the physical kind." And now Tali is laughing and Shepard doesn't feel quite as bad. Still, she offers to stay with the quarian, but is turned away when Tali describes what needs to be done to the ship's wiring before the entrance to the relay. Walking down the hall, she takes the elevator up and steps out. Looking left and right, she decides that she needs to talk to Garrus before she can speak to either Thane or Samara, because both are perceptive enough to realize her own turmoil and she can't be anything less than the Commander for her team. She passes by Miranda's room and notices the lock that's been set and smiles bittersweetly at the thought of Miranda and Jacob taking what they can, while they can. But she doesn't want to think about that.
So she walks past the empty mess, taking a small moment to pause at Gardner's station, tracing her fingertips over the smooth metal counter, missing the boisterous chef/janitor more than she thought she would. Shaking her head, she walks up the ramp and toward the main battery. And even though she knows she needs this, and it feels like things have gotten back to somewhat normal since the incident, it's still a daunting thought to be completely alone with her best friend. That thought gives her a small pause in front of the door, because now she is not sure if he is her best friend, because they've become so much more to each other since then. Bracing herself, she enters the main battery, sees him working at his console but doesn't turn. All for the best, gives her some time to gather herself, and so she turns and locks the door, although there aren't any crew around anymore to interrupt them.
She turns around and he's still at his terminal and it's so familiar and safe that her mouth moves before her brain can catch up and she's so close to blowing everything between them, so she shuts it quickly, and somewhat painfully. That gets his attention and he's turning and Shepard can't give him a choice because she knows he'll find a way out of it. So she throws her arms around his thin waist, ignoring his stiffness and desperately wishes he would hug her back. She doesn't expect it, though, so squeezes him once, just to feel it and then releases him, stepping back. And he's still standing there, still as a statue and they could die tomorrow and Shepard needs him to know, wants him to know, and she's so close to telling him. But, she just turns away and rakes her hand through her hair, her mind over powering her heart once again. And it's too much, the over powering need to be the Commander, even with the single person she loves above anything else, and she can't stop the tears no matter how much she inwardly screams at herself. Looking up at him, her smile is rueful and apologetic, and she's about to ask about calibrations, but he stops her with a quick gesture.
"So nothing," he's saying, his voice harsh and scratchy and she realizes that he's hurt, and can't fathom why but a small understanding is starting to bloom as he continues to speak. Because whenever they talk, it inevitably comes back to that day, that last day before the world toppled upside down and nothing was ever right again. "Ride off into the sunset?" she says, wiping at her eyes and suddenly realizing that maybe she wasn't the only one who had been so hurt they needed something from the one person they loved. And she wants to say something, gathers her strength about her, but he interrupts. "Guns blazing," he says with a humorous finality, and if Shepard's throat hadn't been so tight, she would have laughed. But he is looking at her now, but not quite seeing her, as if looking at her through himself. And then he's moving forward, determined and she's startled when his arms come around her, hugging her as best he can with his armor on.
And her revelation makes her reckless, so she pushes into him and begins to kiss him, moaning when his tongue probes at her lips and her arms come up around his neck, her mind screaming finally! And she thinks she can do this, because he's here, but then he's not, and she opens eyes she hadn't realized were shut, and stares at him. He's looking away and Shepard can't help the small spark of anger, that he can't offer her the comfort she needs 6 hours away from their probable deaths when she gave away everything when they'd finished with Sidonis. And she sees the hurt and self-loathing, finally sees how much he hates himself for needing her, and she can't help but hate him a little as well.
She'd left to speak to Samara and Thane, hoping to keep it short with both of them because she doesn't know how much more she can take. Samara first, maybe she'll offer up some meditation to help ease Shepard's troubles, but Samara is meditating herself and cannot be disturbed. So Shepard turns and goes to Thane, hoping that he'll be caught up in his solipsism so she can mope. Before she makes it to his door, however, she feels like crap for the thought because she knows that if he is caught up in memories, then tonight of all nights is the perfect time to be distracted. Knocking, she politely waits for his bid to enter. Stepping inside, she finds him standing by the window, looking out at the stars passing by. "Siha," he greets, and she still has no idea what it means, but his get-up and old-fashioned manners always reminded her of an old earth vid and so she has her own nickname for him. "Still contemplating the world, V?" she asks, and he's staring at her intently; not in his usual way, when he's trying to figure out what that means, but in a new, coiling and warm kind of way.
Finally, as if realizing his own silence, he nods, "And all it's wonders." She tilts her head, curious, because when he says that, with his voice pitched a new way, she doesn't think he means the stars. "Thinking about Irikah?" she probes gently, then winces inwardly at how invasive that it. But he only lets a small smile play about his lips, his hands clasped in front of him and lifted to his mouth. And he's so calm and Shepard shouldn't be doing this; she's the Commander, she's the one who listens. But he's there and soon she's sitting at the table, uninvited, laying everything out plain as day, opening her wounds and presenting them to him, hoping he can do something. His stillness is a balm, his cool hand holding hers and his thumb tracing circles on her skin and she finds herself babbling about her family and her death and, finally, Garrus. For his part, he does not react, just continues to hold her hand and trace those soothing circles as she finally finishes, everything she'd held close to her wounded soul pouring out of her and she's gasping and heaving and can't seem to breathe quite fast or deep enough.
When he hugs her, she sobs and clings to him, needing this contact and wishing to god it was someone else even as that thought makes her hate herself. And he just kneels on the ground and holds her as she leans forward in her chair, needing his support. When she's done, cool lips ghost over her temple and strong arms lift her up and lay her down on a soft mattress. She murmurs, her head foggy, but for the first time clear, and she thinks that she really needed this. The hand is back, this time on her back, and she rolls into the contact, mumbling as she finally drifts to sleep.
Garrus stares at Thane across the table, but the drell is unreadable as ever, his large eyes staring at the med bay as well. And Garrus is pissed, even though he shouldn't be, because only he should be up here worried about Shepard. When they'd gone through the relay, she'd been calmer than he'd seen her in awhile, her heart hidden away and that hurt even more than seeing it constantly. Because that meant that she'd found comfort, but it hadn't been with him, and he'd been so angry that he had agreed with everything she'd suggested, reverting back to being a good turian, and it felt oddly satisfying when she'd looked at him with hurt.
But when she'd moved aside the girder that had fallen on him, right after the larval Reaper, she had stared at him with so much relief and love that he'd been speechless, staring back at her and hoping they could stay here forever, hoping they could keep this moment. She'd run off, though, to help Jacob up, the man shaking his head as he stumbled. Then there was screaming metal and the world tilted and they were running and firing, dodging bullets and Collectors and the Normandy was right there. He hadn't noticed that she'd fallen behind, and Garrus kicks himself for his mistake. He should have been last to jump, his longer and stronger limbs carrying between the gap with much more ease. But she'd been in his ear, yelling for them to jump, and he was so happy that they were both alive that he had not given a glance back, knowing she'd be there.
She was always there.
And so when he turned, and she's still running, the world crumbling away, it's like he's been told she's dead all over again. Only this time he has to watch, and somewhere his father is nodding and saying that it's the only way, but he can't accept that. So when she jumps, he's right there, reaching for her. She just barely makes it, hands scrabbling for purchase, him gripping her forearm tightly and trying to haul her up. And before they leave, before the Normandy lurches away, one bastard gets a lucky shot because her shields are down and there's blood flooding out of her neck and she's gurgling and he thinks someone is screaming, but can't be sure because everything has become about her and the thick red blood flooding the floor and pooling at his boots.
Chakwas and Mordin had taken her hours ago and everyone, the recovered crew and team mates, had gone off, trying to find some rest. Garrus, however, remained. With Thane. And Garrus hates that there is someone else, because when it was just him and her, it was easy to see the dance, no matter how brutal, continuing on and they'd deal with it. But he supposed it was inevitable that she'd find someone who could be with her, and his father's voice is telling him that humans are disgusting, deceitful creatures and how does he know Shepard and Thane aren't already together. And even though it's all he's got left of his home, Garrus realizes that he has to lose something, and out of the two, after having her die, and then nearly die, Garrus doesn't think he can lose her again. If, when, he corrects himself, when she gets better, he'll tell her everything. And now Thane is staring at him, contemplating and so fucking still and symmetrical that Garrus feels hatred bubble up out of him, and he doesn't realize he's growling until Gardner mumbles something and turns away. Thane just stares at him for a moment before getting up and giving a slight bow. Before he leaves, however, he turns to Garrus with a hard look, a dead one that has the turian suddenly nervous and understanding why he's the best assassin the galaxy has to offer.
"A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears," Thane says in the slow, deep way of his, and Garrus stares at him as the assassin sketches another bow and, with one final glance at the med bay, is gone. Looking at his talons, Garrus wonders if he really is that transparent or if the drell is just really that perceptive. Probably both, he reasons. And before the voice can start up, Garrus makes his decision and pushes up from the table, ignoring the fading chastisement as he starts for the med bay.
She's laying on a bed, the bright lights sickening her, but if she closes her eyes, she sees Garrus, staring down at her completely heart broken and screaming for help even as multiple hands were trying to pull her away. So her eyes stay open, and Chakwas and Mordin are staring down at her, prodding the bandaged wounds on her body, stopping every time she groans, resuming their examination when it's apparent it is nothing too serious. She wonders how long she's been there and finds herself not caring.
There is nothing here, no responsibilities, no unrequited/requited love thing for her to deal with. Because she has a sinking thought that Garrus is going to be closed off when she finds him again, offering up what he can, but it's never enough. And she thinks she can live with that, because they've survived this long together, but then she thinks about that one desperate kiss and the way he had looked at her when she'd been shot and she knows she can't go back.
Everything is too jumbled together, now, and she wants to deal with it instead of tucking it away into her mental cabinet and not looking at it again. She sighs and Chakwas and Mordin stop to stare at her, wondering if this was a sign of something bad. But she waves her hand and they continue, and she finds her thoughts drifting to Thane, squashing them immediately; if she can't love someone, she won't force a fucked up relationship on them. Before she can start to fidget, because now she's restless and bored and in pain, the door hisses open and she hears the familiar clink of boots on metal. Closing her eyes, she just wants it to stop, but she doesn't know why he's there and she's afraid of what he wants and what she wants and doesn't have the energy to talk. But Chakwas is whispering to Mordin and Mordin is whispering back and Garrus is standing above her and blocking out the light. Chakwas clears her throat and then primly pulls a curtain around them, but it only covers them up, it doesn't muffle any noise. But Shepard knows this is the most privacy she'll get in her condition, so she sighs and puts on her friendly Commander mask and stares up at Garrus with a small smile.
When he stands there, staring at her, she feels it falter, and when he reaches one taloned hand down to her hair, she holds so still because she doesn't know if this is a dream or not and doesn't want to scare him if it isn't. And now they're staring at each other, not knowing what to do because it was almost easier when there was disappointed expectation between them because they both knew how to deal with secrets and repression. This, this tenderness and unspokenness was new, and neither knew what to do. "Your hair looks good," he says, brushing a hand through the bloodied curls, and she feels herself smile. "Going for something new," she says hesitantly, the smile beginning and staying there, not quite blooming. He nods, his mandibles drawn in and he looks nervous and she feels herself shut down because he always runs and usually when she needs him. She's trying to turn, but can't, and then Garrus is gone, and she feels it so much that she gasps.
He's back though, and Chakwas is there, studiously avoiding her gaze as she looks her over before looking up at the turian with a small smile and nod. Shepard wants to curl up when Chakwas leaves, doesn't know what's going on and she hates being this small and miserable. But Garrus is there, his warm hands and rumbling voice urging her to turn and she does, confused. And then the bed dips, and she doesn't know what's going on but doesn't want it to stop and she cries when his arms snake around her and he's holding her against him. He sighs and nuzzles her hairs, gentle as he can with both their wounds and then Chakwas and Mordin are leaving and the door hisses shut and Shepard sighs and begins to talk.
Garrus listens as her breathing evens out and can't help thinking that his fuck shit of a father is completely wrong.
Thanks so much to FancyLadySnackCakes and Mink Jester for encouraging this. I don't do fluff well, and happy endings are not my forte. Hope you enjoy, though! What Thane says to Garrus is a quote from Michel de Montaigne, because that seems like something Thane would know Thank You!