o' i am death, and none can tell
if i open the door to heaven or hell
-o' death, amy van roekel
[in which there's no time to explain]
"Okay, Lara, I'm not trying to rush you here or anything but… we're standing in a room that is full of saw blades, meat hooks, unidentified meat hanging from said meat hooks, what looks to be a regular toolbox until you see the nice coat of blood covering it, I think that might be a blueprint for some sort of torture machine in the corner… and oh, look, a fucking human head floating in a jar of fuck knows what."
Sam's description of the room is rather disturbingly… okay, no, Lara will admit that it is actually completely disturbingly accurate. The one detail that Sam left out, however, is that the two of them are alone. "I have noticed these things, Sam. And maybe that isn't the greatest sign-"
"How is it anything but a bad sign?"
"Sam, just… listen, okay? Maybe it isn't the greatest sign, but we're also alone in here." Lara's wandering around the room, examining things, as she speaks. "Don't you think we should take the time to try and figure something out?"
Sam doesn't understand how Lara can be quite so calm at the moment. Sam is also rather panicked, though, which is probably not helping. "What are we figuring out? Our preferred method of death? No. No, no, no. We need to keep moving. I'm not fucking sitting here and waiting for that psycho to find us."
"Well, you could choose to not sit, and help me look around, instead."
Keen is not how Sam would describe her feelings about that plan, but if Lara won't immediately keep moving, like any sensible human would, it probably would be best for her to help. After all, she's the one who's watched dozens of campy horror films. So, maybe Lara has common sense, but Sam has horror sense. She proved that when she stopped Lara from opening a death door. One of those trick doors that leads to imminent death. Lara didn't even stop for a moment to think, she just crouched down to lift up the little hatch. Horrified, Sam had to tackle her to stop her in time. It hurt, quite a lot, but Sam figured that it was better than dying. That, Lara agreed upon, even if she was confused about how it was apparently an obvious death door. Exasperated, Sam had whisper-yelled at her, "Because it looks like the way out! Never go the obvious route! The obvious route is always the death route."
All of their efforts from that point have led them to this room. To this moment; Sam spinning a circular saw blade as she stands watch over Lara, who's found some sort of journal that is somehow more important than not staying in this room and dying. "When we get out of this- although surviving is seeming more and more unlikely the longer we stay in this fucking room- we are going to marathon horror movies. For days. Until you learn that standing here like this is what is going to cause our demise. Our demise, Lara."
Lara flips a page, looks at the illegible scribbles, then looks at Sam. "You know, you're being very dramatic about this."
"Pardon me? Dramatic?" The saw blade stops spinning when Sam places her hand on the flat of it. "How am I supposed to be going about this? You just want me to, I don't know, chill out and look at the relaxing scenery?" She glances over at some of the unidentified meat, to make her point, but quickly averts her eyes when she realizes that making her point in that manner was actually quite a terrible idea.
"Stay calm, Lara. Calm. Panicking is pretty much the same as dying at this point," Lara deadpans and flips another page, only to find even more intense illegible scribbles. "I seem to recall somebody saying that. Just a few hours ago, I think." The next page is even worse and it seems the journal is turning into a colouring book.
"Y'know, the nerdy one usually dies pretty quickly," Sam mutters under her breath.
When Lara hits a journal page that's scribbled over so completely it might as well be a piece of black paper, she plops the journal back down. Without looking at Sam, she replies, "Hm, I though it was always the ditzy cheerleader."
"Hey! I never did any cheerleading." Sam pauses for a moment, and points at Lara when she starts back up. "Wait. You just- wow, that was uncalled for." Lara simply glares at her. "Nerdy is not bad! Nerds are all intelligent and shit, alright? But, whatever, the fourth rule of not dying while being hunted by some fucked up killer is that turning on each other means somebody dies, so let's rewind that, shall we?" She sighs and waves vaguely at the journal. "So, anything useful in there?"
"Uh…" Lara's somewhat reluctant to give Sam any proof that she was justified in her irritation. Lying isn't going to help the situation, though. "Not particularly."
"I'm shocked."
Lara starts digging through what appears to be a large pile of junk. "Must you be an ass about it?"
"Okay, no, fine, I won't be an ass about it if you stop picking through that shit and keep moving instead." After grabbing some bloodied pliers, Sam pokes at the unidentified meat. "Do you want this to be you? This could be you. We need to go."
"But Sam, don't you want to try and figure out-"
"No! I have no intention of figuring out anything except how to get the fuck out of here." Each time Sam gets annoyed, she yells louder (Lara finds this to be very counterintuitive, but she's not going to say anything), and gestures more exaggeratedly. "Do you know why the cat dies, Lara? Curiosity. Curiosity kills the cat, Lara. Let's not be the cat."
"Right… I don't understand why you're in such a rush, though. I mean, I knocked him out pretty solidly."
"Oh my god…" Sam mumbles to herself. "Crazy psycho killers are like energizer bunnies. They keep going, and going, and going." She pauses to think, clicking her tongue. "Actually, that's not a bad concept… a killer dressed as a larger pink bunny."
Slightly bitter about Sam's hypocrisy, Lara abandons the junk, steps over to a bookcase and asks, "Now who isn't focusing?"
"Fine, yes. But if we get out of here… good movie concept, no?" Lara rolls her eyes, and reaches for a book, but Sam smacks her hand away, and the book drops to the ground. "There. Is. Nothing. To. Find. We need to just figure out how to… wait. Shit. Okay, you win. You found something."
Lara turns to see what Sam is currently squinting at, and it seems that she had picked just the correct book to toss onto the ground. There's a button on the wall, still half obscured by another book. Sam lurches towards the bookcase and shoves the rest of the shelf to the floor.
"Could I maybe get a 'thank you', at least?"
Sam sighs. "Thank you, Lara, for wasting precious time looking at meaningless papers and pointless books."
"That's not exactly what I…" There's no point in arguing, especially since it'd probably lead to the breaking of rule number four. "Whatever. So, did I actually do something right?"
"I don't know." Sam backs away from the shelf and starts pacing. "See, this kind of shit- hidden passages? This kind of shit is a wildcard. It could be, I don't know, we could walk right into this dude's lair. We could end up outside somewhere. We could end up in some secret fucking tunnel that leads to Atlantis." She ends her tirade by grabbing Lara by the shoulders, shaking her slightly. "Hidden passages have no rules."
Lara is starting to worry, ever so slightly, about Sam's sanity. It's not that she expects her to have a level head on her shoulders, who would, in this situation? But she's starting to get a little too unhinged. At this point, she's going to drop dead of an aneurysm before anybody has a chance to axe her or chainsaw her. "Alright, Sam, how about you take a deep breath, and then we can weigh the pros and cons of risking this hidden passage?"
"It might not even be a passage! It's just a button! What if it causes spiky shit to fall from the ceiling?" She starts weaving around the room, evaluating the ceiling. "It could be a death button!"
"Breathe. Please."
Dropping her flailing arms, Sam actually does stop to take a moment for a deep breath. "Yeah, okay. Okay." Lara breathes too, in relief. Immediately after, she breathes loudly in annoyance as Sam follows up with, "So, you go find something to write this list on, and I'll fashion us something to write with. We can gather some blood from whatever-the-fuck that is over there for ink."
To provide an example that they don't need to go to such ridiculous extremes, Lara walks back over to the journal. Perhaps that'll calm Sam down. "Look, we don't need to…" She freezes in place before she has a chance to pick the book up. "Uh, are those…?"
"Footsteps? Yes, Lara, those are fucking footsteps. I think I mentioned that we should hurry?"
Lara rushes over to join Sam in front of the bookcase again. "Jesus, Sam, I get it! I very much agree we need to hurry now, so get over it. We need to decide what we're doing." She looks at the bookcase, looks back at the door they barricaded after entering through, then over to another unidentified door (blood-splattered window included), and finally over at a small vent. "Where are we going?"
"I might have a better idea of that if somebody hadn't spent a bunch of time reading crayon drawings." Lara isn't going to protest, not right now. "Fuck. Fuck. You know what? Fuck it. Hit the button."
Lara throws her hands up in faux-confusion. They're actually flying up into the air in panic. "Me? Why am I the one hitting the button?"
Sam stares at her incredulously. "Oh, for fuck's sake. Now you're being cautious? Just, ugh, just get out of the way." She pushes past Lara to smash at the button.
The entire bookcase retracts and slides to the side, excruciatingly slowly. The pair of them leap through the moment the opening is wide enough. Unlike Sam, Lara doesn't immediately start running, opting to take the time to force the bookcase-door closed again. When she catches up, Sam is standing at a split in the path.
Sam is not at all happy with this development. Hidden paths are meant to go straight from one shitty bookcase to another. Hidden paths should not provide more life or death choices. She is glad that Lara's back, though. Glancing over her shoulder only to find absolutely nobody following her was almost worse than if she had seen the crazy killer dude behind her. "Lara. Thank god. The fuck took you so long?"
"I thought we should cover our tracks? Not leave a giant signal that we came through here?" She's suddenly concerned that she did the wrong thing.
The concern leaves her when Sam aggressively pats her on the back. "Holy shit, you're learning Horror 101! I'd be proud if I wasn't so busy panicking." Sam turns back to the two paths and does a quick round of 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' in her head, and then frowns. "Okay, I don't like that method of choosing. Feels wrong. Time for you to step up with your new skills, Lara. Left or right?"
The immediate fear on Lara's face almost makes up for all her bullshit back in that last room, Sam decides. "I apparently can't even open a door properly! You want me to pick which direction we go? What the hell, Sam?"
"Gee, things get much more stressful when you're the one making decisions, don't they?" Sam says, sounding smugger than she should. She follows up by sighing. "I don't know, either. I don't know the protocol for this." Her arm starts flailing again, this time back and forth between the two choices ahead of them.
"God, okay. Okay. We'll go… uh," Lara rubs at her temples, abruptly aware of a throbbing pain in her forehead. "Shit. Left. Go left."
Sam's arm sweeps left. "Lead the way, my navigator."
"You little shit. Now everything is going to be my fault, isn't it?" Despite her annoyance, Lara pushes past Sam and takes a few tentative steps into the left tunnel. "Can we go slow now, please?"
"Yes. Let's. Slow and steady wins the grindhouse escape." Sam mimics Lara's small steps. "It's kinda dark in here. You still have that lighter?"
Lara pats her pockets while she shuffles down the path. When she finds the lighter, she pulls it out and flicks it open. The flame dies almost immediately. "Well. Yes, I do still have it. I have a minor issue, however."
"Now, why did I not expect that?" Sam's head drops as she shakes it. "Fucking split in the path's thrown me off too much. Alright, last resort backup resource time." She pulls her phone from her pocket and checks the battery before tapping the flashlight on. "Might as well use this for something, seeing as there is absolutely no reception here. Obviously. I've got seventy two percent battery left."
"So, what? We've got ten minutes of light?"
"Lara."
"Seriously, Sam. That thing goes from full charge to dead before you finish a call."
Sam shoves the phone towards Lara, and hisses, "Just take it! We'll talk about how terribly these are manufactured later."
After a fair amount of tiny steps taken while staring directly at the ground, the tunnel opens up into a larger chamber-like area. Sam slowly spins to evaluate the situation, and her voice raises when she sees what's behind them. "You have got to be fucking kidding me! Bullfuckingshit." The tunnel that the pair of them just exited is twinned by another. "They both led to here. I'm beginning to doubt my horror sense."
"Maybe the other one had a death-something in it?" Lara offers.
Sam huffs. "Maybe. Doesn't matter anymore, I guess. Just remember which we came through, in case we need to turn back. What else do we have in here?" She finishes her complete spin.
Lara stays quiet, waiting for the impending explosion.
"Oh, come on! What is this? What is this?" She recklessly runs up to one of the four numbered doors in front of them, and futilely tries to see through the iron barred windows. Giving up on that, she steps back to look at the bright red numbers painted above each. "I haven't seen any numbers anywhere. No numbers. Nowhere. You see any numbers?"
Lara tasks a risk when she answers, "I might have, if somebody had let me look through a few more things. Or kept quiet while I looked through what I did have a chance to see, at the very least."
A grumble escapes Sam as she looks closer at the numbers. They don't even make sense. No sequential one, two, three. "Is any of this, like, a math puzzle that people would normally miss?"
Lara shines the flashlight (forty six percent battery remaining) up at the numbers. They really are completely nonsensical. "I don't- nothing that I can see, Sam. Sorry."
"Don't apologize. You aren't the one painting fucked up numbers everywhere. Just- give me a minute to think about this. Turn that flashlight off." Lara does, and Sam runs every numerical situation she can think of through her head. She's blanking.
Lara notices this, and quietly walks up to each door. She also tries to peek in the windows, but no luck. Sam seems to still be thinking, so Lara takes the time to rattle each doorknob. All of them seem to be unlocked, which is not helpful in the least.
A loud thunk makes the both of them jump. "Lara, what the fuck was that?"
"How am I meant to know?" She rattles the doorknob of the door she's standing in front of, again.
Sam snatches the phone from Lara's hand, turns the flashlight back on, and glances down both paths. "I don't like it."
Another thunk sounds out, louder, this time. "Sam…"
"I know, Lara."
"Great. So what do we do?" Sam can hear in Lara's voice that she's more freaked out than she's trying to let on. "Hey, horror-guru, what the hell do we do?"
"Uh. I… random numbers are random. I can't do much with what we have right now."
"Do we turn back?"
Another thunk.
"Fuck no!" Sam shoots a 'you're insane' look at Lara.
"How do you know the noises aren't coming from one of these doors? Everything echoes down here."
Sam dashes back and forth between each of the doors and both of the tunnels. "I don't know! Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I don't know."
"I think we just have to pick one. Unless you want to try turning back."
Again, Sam is not all that keen on the idea. But she doesn't know what else to say, so she stands and stares at the numbers. "There has to be something."
One more thunk. A loud thunk.
"We have to pick. I don't know how, but we have to pick!" Sam stares blankly at Lara. Her horror sense is failing them, miserably. "Do you have any suggestion, Sam?"
"Uh…"
"Fantastic. Guess I'm deciding again." Lara takes a few steps back and looks up at the numbers again. It's pointless. "I'm just going to… this one. This one." She points at the third door, steps forward, and reaches to open it.
The handle is half turned when Sam sees it. "Fuck! Lara, stop! Stop! It's-"
Lara doesn't have a chance to stop. When the handle turns completely, something clicks underneath her, and a door that neither of them spotted before slides open.
A large splatter of blood instantly obstructs Sam's view.
Her simple reaction is to sigh as she brings her palm up to her face. "Goddammit, Lara."
Beside her comes an even more exaggerated sigh, as well as a loud clatter.
Sam looks over at the noise. Lara is leaning back on the couch, the heels of her palms pressed against her forehead. "You're the one throwing the controller? I'm the one who's been stuck on this level for hours. No thanks to you, by the way. You're almost worse than the damn A.I." She rolls her shoulders in an attempt to relax them, after straightening herself from the hunched position she found herself in. "My bad this time though, I guess. It was the second door. The number above it was the release date of the first in this series."
"Why do you even play these games? I haven't seen you get so stressed out about anything in ages. I thought you might actually drop dead. Beside me. IRL?" She pauses. "Did I use that right?"
Sam ignores Lara's lingo inquiry and just grins. "But that's what makes it fun!"
Lara doesn't know if the game's gotten to Sam that badly, or if she's actually being honest. Doesn't much matter at this point, and Lara takes a quick look at the clock. Three in the morning. That's probably not helping. This time, she's just going to do exactly what Sam says, and she rubs at her eyes for a moment before she picks her controller back up to press start.
sam isn't a fan of the often pointless collectibles that are hiding in corners, but lara likes finding the bits of backstory
I mentioned I've been playing a fuckton of Until Dawn?
So this song is actually an old traditional folk song. I believe the original version came from Dock Boggs, but don't take my word. This version, however, is the main theme song of Until Dawn. Hence this chapter is slightly more about where the song came from, not purely the lyrics.
Oh, and there is actually a movie called Bunnyman Massacre. Sadly, the bunny is not pink. The bunny has a chainsaw, though. I've not watched it yet, but you should google it, if only to see the poster/cover.
Anyway, this is meant to be a bunch of shorts (yeah right) based on songs, in some manner.
Take a listen to them after reading, if you have a few minutes.
Also feel free to throw suggestions at me, here or at the tumblebumble I made (globbyherman, because some fuck already had globherman), although I make no promises. My little trend of sad shit and whatnot somewhat carries on into my iTunes library. Send me something happy.
I was going to call this Lara Croft and The Pirate Bay, but I thought that might be a little too punny and yes my music collection is all completely legal why would you ask that