Hi. I'm a late comer to Nashville. I started watching, because a friend begged me to, at the beginning of season 3. It wasn't until I went back and binged on seasons 1 and 2 that I finally understood why it seemed so wrong for Luke and Rayna to be together - lol. I'm a native Georgian, but have lived in Charleston, SC since college. I started reading the stories here during the winter hiatus and have been binge reading! Anyway, I'm a huge Deyna shipper and tend to gravitate to those stories most often. I've decided that the ones I like the most are the "fill-in-the-blank" stories and I finally decided to write one of my own.
I decided to go back to season 1 and I chose my favorite episode, Dear Brother. It's Deacon's birthday and the episode revolves, in part, around that. I chose to look at two perspectives – Rayna's and Deacon's – as it played out against the birthday party. What was going on between the lines?
This is my very first fan fic, so be gentle! I would love to hear your thoughts and comments though, good or bad. Thanks for reading!
Jane-Asher
Deacon
He'd turned forty-four today. And now he was at this damn birthday party Juliette had surprised him with and that Scarlett had apparently been in on. He hated parties. Not just birthday parties. Any party. He tried to steer clear of after parties when he could. When he and Rayna were together, he couldn't avoid them, because she needed him to help her remember names. But once he was just a member of the band, he could skip them, and he usually did. He had to admit, though, this wasn't a bad party.
Except she wasn't here.
He knew she wouldn't come to the party. Of course, there shouldn't have been a party to start with, but that wasn't Juliette Barnes' style. He wondered if Juliette had even invited her, but he thought she probably had. Even she wasn't stupid enough to pretend like he and Rayna weren't friends. Friends. That wasn't really what they were. Not entirely, anyway. But he figured that they wouldn't even be that now. For a while anyway.
She wouldn't come because of that tabloid story. The one that speculated about her relationship with Liam. With him. And if that was what led to her and Teddy getting a divorce.
He'd been surprised when he saw the cover story, while he was standing at the convenience store waiting to pay for his gas. But when he thought about it afterwards, it didn't surprise him at all. She'd always had that odd look about her whenever Teddy was around, like she was hiding something. Like she didn't even really love him or something. And she'd been skittish the last few weeks, wouldn't talk to him about it. What had she said? There's a lot going on right now and I really wanna talk to you about it, but right now I can't even think about it, or else I'm gonna lose it. He knew there was more going on, that she wasn't fine, like she said. Hell, he knew her better than anybody and he knew there was something else.
Why didn't she tell me?
It's ironic that he found out about the divorce via tabloid. That's how he'd found out Maddie had been born. That she was pregnant with Daphne. It was how he found out all his Rayna Jaymes' news. Not from her. As long as they'd known each other and as close as they'd been – and were, he'd thought – she was surprisingly close to the vest about sharing really personal things with him.
It wasn't him that was involved with her. And he really didn't think she'd cheat on Teddy. But she had been flirting with Liam. A lot. So he had to wonder.
Rayna
She didn't know why he wasn't the first person she'd told. After all, most of the fantasies she'd had, over the past thirteen years, had been about him. About being with him. But then she really had given up on the idea, after a while, that they would ever go back to being DeaconAndRayna. She was Teddy's wife and, while it wasn't fireworks and rollercoasters, it had been a good, solid marriage. They'd raised up two beautiful girls together. He'd been her anchor in a world that could tip on its side with no notice.
In the beginning, she'd missed the passion, but once Maddie was born she had come to realize that a child needed stability and a sense of normalcy, and that just wouldn't have happened with Deacon. And she had needed to give Maddie that stability. Because Maddie had come about because of that all-consuming passion, that inability to give up on love, however tortured it had become. Because Maddie was Deacon's daughter.
She didn't allow herself to dwell on that as much anymore, but after that night that Teddy showed up in Chicago and asked for a divorce, she could think of nothing else. And that was probably the main reason she hadn't told him.
Deacon had been back in her band from the moment she returned to work after Maddie was born. He was the best there was and he made her better. So she had pushed aside her misgivings, Teddy's disapproval, and asked him to come back. She had quickly laid out the ground rules – it was a professional relationship only, they probably wouldn't be writing songs together, and she would not perform their most personal love songs – and he had agreed. She thought they both probably knew that this was as close as they would ever be to each other again and, while it was hard and painful and sad, they both had needed it.
What was always unspoken, and never acknowledged, was that if there had been no Teddy, there would be Deacon and Rayna. But from the moment she'd made the decision not to tell him about their baby, she knew, even if he didn't, that there was a period placed at the end of their relationship. Because she had no idea how she would ever make that right. Even as the years went by and Deacon unbelievably stayed sober, she always believed that knowing would push him over the edge.
Deacon
People who knew he watched Old Yeller always teased him about it. Even Rayna had teased him about it, back in the days when they'd been together. She'd watched it with him once, that first year they were together, and then had smacked him on the arm when she ended up bawling her eyes out. She never watched it again. He told people it was a classic, a story about a boy and his dog, a friendship tale. What it was, was the life he'd never had. It was his fantasy, that unconditional love. He'd had that for a while with Rayna, until she started putting conditions on it.
The first time he'd ever seen the movie, he and Beverly had gone to the movie house. Back before things really got awful in the Claybourne house. His mom had dropped them off downtown one afternoon so that she could do some shopping. It was an old movie, even then, but the theater in their part of town was one of those discount theaters, so all the movies were old.
Beverly was eight then and he'd just turned seven. Back in those days they were close. They were about a year and a half apart in age and, because they lived on the outskirts of town, there weren't other kids for them to play with. So they stuck together. Beverly was a real tomboy then and she was tough as nails. He didn't like to fight or roughhouse. That only came later, much later, when whiskey made him bolder and tapped into the temper that was almost always simmering below the surface.
He remembered crying when Old Yeller died and Beverly told him to stop being such a baby. He had sat there, sniffling, trying to get hold of himself, as she kept glaring at him. But when the movie was over, she brought him some toilet paper from the ladies bathroom to use as tissue paper so he could dry his tears. And she bought him a Coke.
The first time he saw the movie was his seventh birthday.
The next time he saw the movie, he was eighteen years old and he'd bought an old VCR and then found an old used copy of the movie at a flea market. Over the years he'd traded up on VCR's and kept watching that old used copy of Old Yeller. Finally, a couple years ago, his last VCR crapped out and he finally got a DVD player and had to buy a new copy. Rayna had teased him about finally entering the modern world. He hated change and so it wasn't unusual for him to keep something until it practically disintegrated.
He would still fight tears every time he watched it. For a lot of years he forced himself not to, willing himself to be strong. When he was still with Rayna, she would leave him to watch it alone. After she left him, he kept watching it was because it gave him an excuse to cry. To cry about everything he had lost. To cry about the fact that, even though he'd turned his life around, even though he'd stayed sober for all these years, it hadn't changed anything. Rayna was somebody else's wife. She wasn't going to be his.
But now she wasn't going to be somebody else's wife. And yet, she hadn't told him.
Rayna
She'd been surprised to hear there was a party for Deacon for his birthday. Deacon didn't do parties. He hated parties. She used to swear, back when he was drinking, that sometimes he got drunk just to avoid an after party. Of course, he got drunk so often, that it probably didn't even occur to him that there even was an after party.
She hadn't really been invited to Deacon's party, but since it was Juliette who was throwing the party, one of two things was true. Either Juliette didn't plan to invite her but knew she'd hear about it, or she'd seen the tabloid stories and figured Rayna would stay away to avoid gossip. Probably both. She pouted for a little while about the not knowing piece. She knew she shouldn't go, because it probably would fuel gossip. She wasn't going to put Deacon in the middle of this. For one thing, he'd hate it, and for another, it just wasn't fair to him.
Back in the days when they were together, she'd tried to keep a low profile concerning her personal life. For one thing, it was no one's business, but with Deacon drinking so much, it helped to keep all that speculation down. But that didn't last long. As his drinking escalated and as his trips to rehab kept piling up, it was hard for others not to notice. The people closest to her acted like they didn't see the circles under her eyes after a late night at the hospital or a jail. They didn't mention when Deacon didn't show up for rehearsal or missed a show. Someone would fill in and they would keep on going.
They never pretended like they weren't together. Deacon wouldn't have stood for that, being kept in the shadows, and she was happy to be with him. They just saved all that for when they were behind closed doors. They would hold hands or give each other a sweet kiss, and they certainly put all those feelings out there on stage, but the rest of it was for just them.
When he came back to her band, after Maddie, after his fifth stay in rehab, it had taken a while for them to get comfortable with each other. It was awkward, especially in the beginning. Watching him bond with Maddie had shaken her to her core. But eventually it all got easier and she stopped panicking every time he picked Maddie up and held her.
It was after she had Daphne that it felt like they'd broken through a barrier. As though, with that one action, the break had been complete. That was when they started writing together again – not often and certainly not like what they'd written before – but enough. They'd developed a friendly banter with each other that occasionally got close to the line, but it worked for them. She trusted him. More than anyone else in her life, even Teddy. He knew her, really knew her, and he was the only person who was allowed to be completely and brutally honest with her.
She couldn't say for him, but for her she knew that was also when the lines started to blur a bit. It was when the regrets would sometimes surface. When she would look at Maddie sometimes and wonder if she'd made a huge mistake.
Finally, now, she was free to go to him. But she couldn't. She wouldn't. There was too much at stake. And she had to do right by him.
Deacon
He couldn't believe Scarlett had tricked him into coming to the Bluebird. He always thought of her as his innocent little niece, but that really wasn't the case anymore. She was a grown woman, with hopes and dreams of her own. She had shown up in Nashville almost two years earlier, with her college boyfriend. Avery, he thought he remembered was his name. He was an odd guy, but Deacon had kind of liked him. Saw a little of himself in him. He'd been sorry to see Avery mixed up with Marilyn Rhodes. Now Scarlett seemed to be with that kid, Gunnar. He didn't think of Scarlett as being old enough to be in relationships. He still thought of her as that tiny little timid thing she'd been as a little girl. The few times he'd gone back to Natchez, he'd always had the sense that Scarlett was looking to be rescued. Only he hadn't been in any kind of shape then to rescue anyone.
She and Gunnar sure did make good music though. That was how she'd lured him to the Bluebird. He hated parties and he hated surprises, but he'd had to admit it made him feel good to see so many people that had come to wish him well. And then Scarlett and Gunnar had sang the song they'd tricked him into coming to hear and he'd been blown away by how good they were. For a second, he could have sworn it was him and Rayna reincarnated up on that stage.
He had looked around the room, but she wasn't there. He hadn't asked either. For a moment, he'd felt hurt, but then he got caught up in the party and almost forgot she wasn't there.
Rayna
Since she'd put her stake in the ground with Marshall Evans, she had been determined to release an album that represented her. She hadn't written her own songs in a very long time and made a promise to herself that she would write every song on the album. She'd forgotten how hard it could be and she had really missed Deacon's touch on her writing. He'd made everything she'd ever written sound so much better. He'd always been a much better songwriter than she was and, after she'd gotten over her hurt the first time he'd given her criticism, he'd always made her a better songwriter.
The first thing he'd ever told her about writing was to tell her own truth. As time had gone on, though, telling her truth had become more and more difficult. Because her truth was all wrapped up in pain and anger and hurt and disappointment and that was hard to write about. Sometimes it came out right, like when she'd written "The Best Songs Come From Broken Hearts". That had been the perfect mix of truth and pain. She'd written it after she'd broken up with Deacon, when he'd screwed up after his third trip to rehab.
She was struggling now though. And everyone was on her back to deliver. Marshall. Bucky. Liam. She felt like screaming with frustration. As she sat at home that afternoon, her thoughts bounced around from the divorce to Deacon to her future to her past. Finally, out of the murkiness of all that, something started to develop.
She wrote some lyrics, scratching out and rewriting, over and over. Slowly the words began to make sense and fall into an order that was working. She went to the piano and started working on a melody, always the hardest part of songwriting for her. She finally, as the day turned to dusk, had something she thought would work. She needed to talk to Deacon, but she was unsure what to say. Now she knew.
She picked up her phone and called Watty White, asking him to stop by. She wanted him to listen to what she'd written. Next to Deacon, he was the person she relied on most. She always counted on him to be honest with her. In this town, that wasn't always a given and she felt blessed to have these two people in her life. When he agreed, she sat back, butterflies in her stomach.
The song
Deacon, this is for you.
This is how she wanted to tell him. But it was for her too. She couldn't go down that road again. There was too much hurt and pain.
Oh, here I go again
Walking the line killing time between my sins
Oh, why do I come here
The ending's still the same
I'm bringing back old tears
I act like I don't know
Where this road will go
Pour me something stronger
Pour me something straight
All these crooked voices, make them go away
I can barely stand up
I can hardly breathe
Pour me something stronger than me
Pour me something stronger than me
This part was mostly about Teddy. That night he'd come to Chicago, he'd probably saved her from going down a path she didn't need to go down. She'd made so many wrong choices in her life and she wasn't even sure what the next path ought to be.
Sunrise hurts as much you
You both come up when I don't want you to
Oh, I can still hear you say
That you and I will both be better off this way
These things that I run to
What I put my heart through
Pour me something stronger
Pour me something straight
All these crooked voices, make them go away
I can barely stand up
I can hardly breathe
Pour me something stronger than me
Pour me something stronger
Pour me something dark
Pour it up so high, til I can't feel my heart
I can barely stand up
I can hardly breathe
Pour me something stronger than me
Pour me something stronger than me
She couldn't take her eyes off him. She could see in his eyes that he understood. There was sadness there, but acceptance. I'm sorry, Deacon. But I can't do this to us again.
He listened to the song and he felt like there was a fist in his stomach. They'd caused each other so much pain. He wanted to prove to her that he was a better man now, that he'd done all this for her. But it was too much for her. He got it. Didn't like it, but he got it.
I wanna do right by you.
I can't do this again. I can't put my heart through that again.
I gotta let you go. Somehow. I gotta find a way.