Caroline and Big Love
Life had not worked out the way Caroline Duffy had planned. She had dreamed of the perfect family life, married to the man of her dreams, living in a big house in a quiet, friendly neighbourhood. She had wanted three children, and she had wanted to grow old with the love of her life.
But life hadn't given her any of that. Instead, she found herself still living in the same loft, still in the big city, the single mother of a 9-year-old daughter, and a widow. She had never moved on after Randy had died, she didn't see how she possibly could. Dating was hard. She didn't have the time or the energy for it, and at her age she just didn't see the point. There were no men out there for women her age, anyway. She realised she was getting more and more cynical with each passing day, convinced that men her age would never go for a 44-year-old woman when they could find someone twenty years younger, and with no baggage.
No, she had had her two big loves; one had left her and broken her heart, and the other one had died of an aneurism that came out of nowhere. The doctors said he'd been pre-disposed, that it could have happened much earlier than it did, and there was no way anyone could have known in advance. They didn't know how long it had been there before it burst, but they assumed it had been there for a while. Caroline had been devastated, and her daughter, only five at the time, had been heartbroken. She had tried to explain it to Emma as best as she could, but she had been too young, and too confused about her dad suddenly being gone forever. Caroline had felt helpless, and she'd been horribly depressed for a while. It was thanks to Annie and Del that she was still standing. They had helped her out with Emma, taking her out with their own daughter, Maddie, who was only a year younger.
But despite having a wonderful daughter and great friends, Caroline felt lonely. She felt like there was a big hole in her life where a very important piece was missing, almost like she had lost a limb or something. As much as she tried to deny it, mostly to herself, big love number one, the love of her life, still lingered in the back of her mind, down deep where she had pushed him after he left her. She kept telling herself over and over: Richard didn't want kids. She couldn't possibly have married him. And yet, she regretted that decision every single day. She would push such thoughts back down, of course, but she knew on some level that she would always regret it. No other man could ever compare; even Randy couldn't. She had loved Randy, but it was never earth shattering. She had questioned it, occasionally. Had she really been happy? Did she love him enough to spend the rest of her life with him?
Now that he was gone, she felt guilty for even allowing herself to have such thoughts. She had loved him, and he had loved her, and they'd had some good years together. He just wasn't the love of her life.
Oh, get over yourself. You can't have everything.
She had started going to art galleries. Going to gallery openings had become her thing. She told herself it was because she loved art, but the truth was that she just wanted to feel closer to him, somehow. She always went by herself, and she usually ended up standing alone in a corner, just observing the artists as they interacted with the critics and potential buyers. She often wondered if Richard could be one of these artists by now; if somehow, somewhere out there, he was showing his paintings to the public, finally getting the recognition he had always dreamed about. She had half convinced herself that he was.
As she stood in front of the mirror, applying the finishing touches to her makeup and inspecting her figure, agonising over whether or not she could still pull off short, tight dresses like this one, she found herself wondering why she kept doing this to herself. What was it that pulled her towards all these gallery openings? It wasn't like she particularly enjoyed them. They made her emotional and she always ended up feeling worse about herself at the end of the night, but she had this compulsive need to keep going, like some part of her would die if she didn't. So she took one last look at herself in the mirror, already feeling that twinge of sadness, before she went downstairs to grab her trench coat. Locating her purse, she eventually left the flat and went outside to get a taxi.
The art exhibition was stunning, and Caroline felt herself being drawn towards some of the paintings. They were abstract, mostly, but somehow they looked familiar to her, like she knew what she was looking at, like she actually understood what they were trying to say. It was nice, just walking around there alone, allowing these paintings to play with her emotions. She never knew who the artists were, they were mostly unknown and she found she liked it that way. Her focus was entirely elsewhere during these gallery visits, anyway. She disappeared into her own little bubble of repressed emotions and stopped paying attention to details of any kind.
But one particular painting made her freeze. She could almost feel the emotions of the artist, and she couldn't take her eyes off of it. She had to fight to keep the tears from falling, not wanting her makeup to be completely ruined in such a public place. She sniffled slightly, and turned around to see if there was a toilet nearby.
And that's when she saw him. She froze, and stopped breathing until she found herself gasping for air. She felt lightheaded and dizzy, and she didn't know what to do. Should she run? No, that would be silly. She hadn't seen this man in eleven years. He probably wouldn't even notice her if she just stayed quiet and out of his way. He was much more likely to notice her if she made a spectacle of herself by rushing through the crowd. What would he think of her if he witnessed something like that? He'd think she was mad, no doubt, and quite possibly pathetic. I bet he moved on a long time ago. He's probably married by now, to some glamorous Italian woman who shares his passion for art. Maybe he'd even gone back to Julia. She was the mother of his child, after all, and she was stunning. Caroline couldn't stand how physically attractive that woman was, she had felt so tiny and insignificant in her presence. She had pretended to be fine, of course, never letting anyone see just how insecure and jealous she was. Instead, she had tried to move past it. It's what she'd always done.
Richard enjoyed being back in New York, which he would always consider his home. He had been so excited about finally bringing his art back to the states, getting the chance to share his creativity with his fellow Americans (well, some of them, anyway), and New Yorkers in particular. He loved this city, he'd almost forgotten how much, and he was seriously considering just moving back. There was nothing tying him to any other place in the world, and having full custody of Stefano he was free to move wherever his art would take him, and now it had finally taken him home.
As he stood there talking to the art critic from the New York Times, trying to soak it all up, something on the other side of the room caught his attention. She was standing next to one of his paintings, and seemed to be completely captivated by it. The first thing he noticed was her red hair, falling in waves over her shoulders, but then his eyes travelled further down the woman's body, and his heart started beating about a mile a minute. It couldn't possibly be her… could it? No. Why would she even be here?
And then she'd turned around. His eyes had widened as if he had seen a ghost, and the art critic had asked him if he was okay. He had nodded briefly before excusing himself, quickly walking away in search of somewhere he could breathe. It was definitely Caroline. She'd been standing there, with a drink in her hand, looking like she'd been holding back tears, and she was wearing a tight fitting black dress that was clinging to her body in all the right places. It stopped a few inches above her knees, showing off her long legs, and now that he was standing at what he felt was a safe distance, he could not stop looking at her. He had never seen anything so beautiful in his entire life, and he felt that all too familiar ache in the pit of his stomach as he thought about holding her in his arms, running his hands over every inch of her body, inhaling her scent… melting into her like he used to do all those years ago when she had been his. Now, eleven years later, she was out of his reach. She was just a dream now; a fantasy that had once been reality.
There was no point in denying it anymore: he still loved her. He'd never stopped.
He had tried to move on, and he'd dated a few other women, but there never seemed to be any spark, ever, and it made him depressed so eventually he had just stopped. His heart had felt numb, somehow, all these years, but in this very moment it felt as if it was waking up again; like it had suddenly realised that it was, in fact, still beating. It was pounding in his chest now, and he tried to draw a few deep breaths to calm down, but it was completely futile. One look at Caroline, and he'd lost himself to her… again.
She was still standing by the same painting, now staring into the crowd, seemingly at no one in particular. A thought suddenly hit him: had she seen him? Had she recognised his signature on the painting? And what had her emotional expression been about just a minute ago?
To him, of course, that painting was of particular significance. He had painted it one evening after spending the day with thoughts of her as he so often did. It had just come pouring out of him, almost making him cry, and once he'd finished it he realised it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever created… because it was her.
Then another thing struck him: why was she alone? Why would she wander around a small art gallery on her own, looking sad? Where was the husband? Where were her friends? And since when was she that interested in abstract art?
Caroline was starting to panic. Oh god, what if he's seen me? He'd probably be wondering what the hell I am doing here. She felt stuck in the corner, by this painting that was starting to haunt her in ways she couldn't quite figure out, and she did not know what she was going to do. Turning her attention back to it, she finally noticed the small sign next to it: R. Karinsky: "My Love". Oh god. Of course. Who else would be able to play with her emotions like that with a few brush strokes on a canvas? It was like he could reach into the depths of her soul, and there was a part of her that wanted to run to him and throw her arms around him. But the other part of her was terrified of being anywhere near him. She didn't trust her own feelings. She knew she would want him more than she could handle if she let herself go there, and she could not cope with that kind of heartbreak again. I'm 44, she thought to herself. He's a successful artist now, probably married, and if he isn't he's most likely got plenty of younger, more attractive women to choose from. He'd never be interested in me.
It felt as if her heart had fallen into the pit of her stomach. She closed her eyes for a moment, imagining how it would feel if he actually noticed her and came over to tell her he still loved her. Then she pulled herself together and mentally kicked herself for allowing such thoughts to enter her head. Don't kid yourself, Caroline. He's too busy to even notice you in this crowd.
He didn't take his eyes off of her once he'd noticed her standing there by the painting. It was like she'd cast some sort of spell on him, and he couldn't get past the sad look on her face. It didn't look right; she wasn't supposed to be sad. She was supposed to have a perfect life, being her perfect self. She definitely wasn't supposed to look this beaten down, almost defeated. Even after all these years, he could still read her like an open book, and what he was reading was hurting him. She was so beautiful, but so sad, and he wanted, more than anything, to make the sadness go away. He wanted her to be happy.
He watched, still from a safe distance, as she moved slowly through the crowd, and then he realised that she was heading for the door. She was leaving. No! She couldn't leave. He couldn't let her leave. His thoughts spun into a frenzy of panic and despair, and he felt an overwhelming sense of dread at the very idea of losing her after he'd just found her again. But what did he think would happen if he talked to her? He hated himself for leaving her all those years ago. At the same time, she had always been much too good for him, and once he had left she'd probably realised that and moved on to something much better. She was perfect, after all.
But as he watched her step out of the room to put her coat on, he appeared to lose control over his legs. They started to move, slowly at first as he maneuvered his way through the crowd towards the door, and he made it to the hallway entrance just as Caroline left the building. That's when he started to run. He ran out into the street, and seeing her retreating form he had shouted her name. At first she didn't react, but when he shouted her name again, a bit louder this time, she'd stopped and turned around. She was in tears, and his heart ached at the sight of her, too beautiful for words.
"Oh god, Caroline…" He couldn't say much more, because he'd been rendered speechless. For a moment he stood completely still, as if frozen to the pavement, but then he began walking towards her. She wasn't moving at all, she was just staring at him with a look he couldn't quite decipher. He had a lump the size of Canada in his throat, and he felt like he was about to choke on it, but he kept walking. His legs were made of rubber. It was an out-of-body experience.
"Richard…" she whispered, as another tear rolled down her cheek. He fought the urge to wipe it away.
"Caroline… You're, uh… what are you doing here?" Good grief, could he possibly sound more pathetic?
"Well, I was looking at some art," she began, her voice barely above a whisper, "but then I saw you, and I thought I should probably leave."
He winced slightly at that. She thought she should leave because she'd seen him? What was that supposed to mean?
"Yeah, sorry, I still seem to have that effect on people," he finally said, smiling nervously. Caroline made a sound that sounded like half chuckle, half sob, and she stared down at her feet whilst shaking her head. He wanted so badly to know what she was thinking.
They stood there in silence for what seemed like an eternity, until she finally spoke again.
"You haven't changed much, have you?" she said, with a hint of a smile on her face. Richard felt himself relax slightly at that. He had always hated to see her upset.
He smiled back at her. "I suppose not." Then his face grew more serious. "But you certainly have."
"Have I?"
"Yeah. You seem different. You're not yourself." He didn't know how to explain it, not really, and especially not to her.
"Yeah, well… life happens," she said with a low voice, eyes downcast.
They were silent again for a while.
"Wow, it's so good to see you," he said, before he could really stop himself.
She looked up, her eyes meeting his, and he could see a myriad of emotions in them. Then she shivered slightly, and wrapped her arms around herself.
"Look, did you… want to go somewhere and talk? Maybe back to my apartment or something? No worries if you don't, but it's getting a bit chilly out here, so…" Her voice faded, and she shifted nervously from one foot to the other, biting her lower lip, which he'd always found to be one of the most adorable things he'd ever seen.
"Sure, I would love to. But don't you have other things to do?"
"Not really," she replied. "My daughter is staying with Annie and Del tonight, so I have the loft all to myself," she continued, chuckling slightly.
That last bit left Richard with so many questions, it took him a moment to recover, but then he nodded his head in response. "Alright then."
Caroline wasn't sure what had possessed her to invite him back to her apartment. She knew she had a potential disaster on her hands, but when he'd come running after her, the ball had started rolling, and before she knew it she'd lost control over the situation. Her head was spinning with how much she wanted him to still have feelings for her, like he'd told her he would when they said goodbye at the airport all those years ago, but she knew that was highly unlikely.
They entered her loft, and after he had taken a seat on the couch she went over to the kitchen to pour them some coffee. Seating herself in the chair opposite him so she'd have some space between them, she finally allowed the first big question to drop.
"So… where's Julia?"
He looked up at her with an expression of confusion and shock. "Julia? I haven't seen her in eleven years. She took off as soon as I got to Italy, and eventually just gave me full custody of Stefano. Why would you think I was back with Julia?"
"Well, I don't know. You have a child together, and I just figured…" She hesitated for a moment. "I just assumed you would end up getting back together."
"God, no. I don't know what I ever saw in that woman. She is self-absorbed and spoiled." She's nothing like you. You're perfect.
"So, you have a daughter, then?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yeah. Her name is Emma. She's the best." She smiled.
"How old is she?"
"Nine."
"Oh. And um… where's her father?" Richard's heart was beating out of his chest.
"Randy died four years ago. He had an aneurism." Sadness crept back onto her face, and Richard felt a wave of guilt wash over him.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry." So it was Randy, then, just like I always thought.
"It's okay, we're doing a lot better now. We have each other. We also have Annie and Del, and their daughter Maddie who is just a year younger than Emma. They've been a huge support to us."
Richard couldn't help but laugh. "Del and Annie are married?"
"I know. Hard to believe, huh?" she said, laughing with him. "It was hilarious at first, because they were so adamant about not being a couple. They were in denial for so long. But somewhere along the way they both grew up."
"I find that hard to imagine. Annie as a grown-up?" He chuckled. The very idea amused him greatly.
She shook her head, smiling wryly at him. "Oh, she is going to be so thrilled to see you."
"I can hardly wait myself," he said sarcastically, which made Caroline laugh again.
"So, what happened to you, anyway? You never got married?" she inquired, eyeing him curiously.
He shook his head. "I never found anyone I wanted to marry. Well, I did, but…" The last part slipped out of his mouth, and he trailed off before he went any further. Caroline merely nodded in response, with that same look of defeat on her face that he'd seen earlier that evening.
"Yeah…" she whispered, and his heart was breaking into a thousand pieces.
"What about you?" he ventured, in an attempt to move on to something else. Anything.
"What about me?" she asked quietly.
"You never got back out there?" he asked hesitantly.
"No. It's too late for me at this point. I'm 44, and a single mom. I just look tired and worn out now," she laughed.
Worn out? He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"I just feel like my days are over, you know?" she continued. "Men my age aren't interested in women like me, when there are so many younger women around. As you can see, I am not exactly young and attractive anymore." She chuckled, but her eyes betrayed her. She really believed what she was saying to be true. Listening to her was painful.
"Caroline…" he said, removing his glasses and closing his eyes in agony.
"I know, I'm sorry. I guess I forgot you don't like it when people get emotional," she said sadly.
He sighed deeply, trying to get his emotions under control. "That's not it at all," he managed. He was at a loss for words. She was gorgeous. Stunning. Everything he wanted in life.
"Then what is it? I'm making you uncomfortable, aren't I? Don't worry; you don't have to come up with some sort of response to contradict me in order to make me feel better. I'm fine. Honestly. You don't have to feel bad for me. Just forget I said anything, okay?"
You're wrong. You're so wrong.
He suddenly felt like he was suffocating. She was killing him with her words, and he needed to escape from the pain he was feeling.
"I have to go," he said, getting up and walking towards the door. Caroline responded by running after him, getting between him and his way out.
"Please don't leave," she said with what sounded like desperation. "I just want to talk to you. Please stay?"
He hung his head in shame. "I can't," he whispered shakily.
"Why not?" She appeared to be on the verge of tears, and something inside of him just snapped. He couldn't take it anymore. It was so painful and he needed to let it all out.
So he pushed her up against the door, his hands gripping her shoulders, and stared at her with eyes he was sure displayed the extreme amount of pain he was currently in.
"Because I want you so much I can't breathe," he said, his voice intense and shaky. "Because you're so beautiful I can barely look at you. Because it hurts too much to sit here and listen to you talk about how you're not attractive and how you'll never find a man who wants you, because you're wrong! I will always want you. Always."
Caroline was just staring back at him, and the tears that had started to well up in her eyes were now steadily falling down her cheeks. She still hadn't said anything. She was just crying.
So he did the only thing he could think about in that moment: he leaned in and covered her lips with his, kissing her softly, tentatively. She didn't respond immediately, but when she did, it was so intense it made his heart skip a beat. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back with a passion he had never felt before, and he pulled her towards him, wrapping his arms around her waist, needing to feel her body pressed against his. His head was spinning. It seemed almost unreal, like a fantasy that he would soon snap back out of. Except he didn't, he was still standing in Caroline's apartment, kissing her as if their lives depended on it.
For a while they were wrapped up together, time and space standing still as they melted into each other once again after so many years apart. But when oxygen became necessary, they pulled away from one another, keeping their foreheads together to maintain closeness whilst catching their breaths.
After a while, Caroline spoke again. "Do you really think I'm beautiful?" she asked quietly. She sounded so insecure about it that his heart was breaking all over again.
"You were beautiful eleven years ago, and you're beautiful now. I don't see how that is ever going to change."
She sniffled, and wiped the tears off her face. A small smile formed on her lips at the sound of his words.
"Caroline, it breaks my heart that you don't feel attractive anymore." He ran his hands up her body, making her shiver, and then his eyes locked back on hers. "Because you are. You're stunning in every possible way. If anyone has ever made you feel otherwise, they were morons, and I'd kick their asses if I weren't just a wimpy artist."
Caroline couldn't help but chuckle loudly at that. "I don't know, Richard. You did rob that guy on the subway once, and he was pretty big." She poked him lightly in the arm.
He laughed. "That's true. I can be pretty scary when I want to." He grew serious again. "And trust me, if anyone ever hurts you, I will be scary as hell."
A small sob escaped Caroline's mouth, and her eyes were focused on her feet again. "I find it hard to believe you could still want me. I mean, look at me…"
"I am looking at you," Richard whispered. "You were always way too good for me."
"That's not true," Caroline whispered back.
"Yes it is."
And then he was kissing her again, framing her face with his hands. He kissed her lovingly, and she moaned slightly into his mouth just as his tongue slipped in to tangle with hers. Her stomach was fluttering, and her eyes were closed as she allowed herself to melt into him, losing herself entirely. She had almost forgotten what it felt like to be kissed by Richard; it had always made her feel like nothing else mattered, and it still did. His kisses and touches had always made her feel like she was special, and they still had the same effect on her, eleven years later. He was wonderful.
Richard started to fumble with the zipper on her dress, and she gasped, pulling away from him again.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice full of concern.
"Nothing. It's just… no one has seen me naked in four years. You haven't seen me naked in eleven." She laughed nervously. "I just don't feel very good about it, you know?"
Richard sighed, reaching out to touch her face, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb.
"Caroline… look at me. You have nothing to worry about. I am going to show you how beautiful you are, if you'll let me." He looked into her amazing, brown eyes, trying to convey to her how much he just wanted her to let him love her.
"Okay," she said meekly, still looking pretty insecure, which made Richard ache. He ran his hands gently up her arms and across her shoulders, once again finding the zipper at the back of her dress. He pulled it down slowly, never breaking eye contact.
Caroline's heart was trying to burst through her chest. Richard was looking into her eyes so lovingly she found it hard to breathe, and at the same time the idea of him seeing her without clothes on was beyond terrifying. What if he took one look at her and bolted out the door? What if he laughed? But all these thoughts were pushed aside as Richard pulled her dress down to reveal an increasing amount of skin, not stopping until the fabric reached the floor, after which she proceeded to automatically step out of it. He started gliding his hands back up her body, the touch of his fingers on her bare skin sending shivers down her spine. When he finally came face to face with her again, she was all too aware of the fact that she was now only wearing underwear, and she bit her lower lip nervously, but Richard just brushed her hair away from her face, and leaned in to kiss her, stopping dangerously close to her mouth before speaking one single word: "Beautiful." He proceeded to lock lips with her in a desperate kiss, making her knees go weak which caused her to once again wrap her arms around his neck in an attempt to remain somewhat steady. She was relieved when Richard lifted her up, carrying her towards the stairs. He gave her one last questioning look, as if he still wasn't sure what she wanted, and all she could do was stare back with an intense look in her eyes that said, "Take me. Love me." With that, he carried her upstairs to the bedroom.
So much was still left unsaid, but there would be time for that later.
Being touched by Richard was like nothing else. All coherent thoughts went out the window as his artistic fingers swept over her bare skin, making every inch of her body tingle with sensation. She had somehow managed to forget that sex could be like this, and having not been touched properly in over four years she had to fight to hold back tears. True to his word, he made her feel desirable again, which she had thought to be impossible. Her head was swimming with words of love, and she absorbed every second of it as Richard agonisingly touched her almost everywhere, leaving occasional trails of kisses all over her body. Every so often, he would whisper words in her ear, or look into her eyes, lightly touching her cheek before kissing her passionately. Caroline didn't know which way was up anymore. The earth was shaking again, and it was thrilling and terrifying and completely amazing all at the same time. She was trembling under his touch, and she closed her eyes as she lost the battle against her tears. She tried to choke down a sob, but was unsuccessful. Oh god, what is the matter with me?
Richard stopped when he realised that Caroline was crying, and moved to wipe his thumbs over her cheeks.
"Caroline…" he whispered gently. "What's wrong?"
She let out another sob and covered her face with her hands. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I'm so pathetic."
"Shh… no you're not."
"Yes I am. I'm this pathetic excuse of a woman who can't even keep it together. I'm so sorry," she whispered, sniffling loudly. She sat up and turned away from him, feeling like she had truly hit rock bottom. He would surely run now, after seeing what an emotional train wreck she truly was.
"If you want to leave, that's fine." She hung her head, feeling sick to her stomach by her own behaviour. But then she felt a pair of strong arms being wrapped around her, and Richard's face pressing into her hair.
"I don't want to leave. The only thing I want is you."
His words touched her so deeply she finally started to sob, properly, her whole body shaking as four years of emotional pain started pouring out. Richard just held his arms around her while she cried for all the things she had lost.
Once she had calmed down, she put on the oversized cardigan she always had lying next to her bed, and walked over to the mirror. "Oh god," she said miserably, her voice almost inaudible. "It's been a long time since I looked this awful."
Richard walked up to her and put his arms back around her waist. "Caroline, I hate to break this to you, but you hardly qualify as "awful"." He kissed her neck and held her there for a little while, wondering how on earth life could do something like this to someone like her.
Eventually, he turned around and sat back down on the bed. "Come on," he said gently. "Talk to me."
She hesitated for a moment, but turned around and went to sit beside him. She wrapped her cardigan tighter around herself, as if it could protect her from something.
"Why are you crying?" he asked, his voice still as gentle as ever.
She shrugged. She didn't know where to begin. She didn't know how to explain it without sounding like some spinster nutcase.
"For so long," she finally began, "I have felt like my life was over, in a way. Like I would never feel this kind of love again. And I was very close to making my peace with it, too, until tonight. No one has ever touched me like you do. No one else ever made my skin feel like it was on fire. No one else could make me feel this way. Only you. And to feel something like this again after so many years… I can't explain it. It's overwhelming and terrifying, and for a moment there I almost forgot that I'd stopped feeling sexual, completely, and I was drowning in sensation. Does that make sense? I'm sorry, it probably doesn't. I sound stupid." She sniffled, quietly, and looked down into her lap.
Richard sighed heavily, not knowing how to respond to the woman he had loved for almost fifteen years. He wished that he knew exactly what to say to make her feel better. He never wanted to see her cry again.
"You don't sound stupid. Your words are painful, but they're not stupid." He grabbed her hand and held it between his. "I don't care how long it takes, I am going to show you that you have nothing to be afraid of."
She looked up and into his eyes with immense sadness. "How do you know that? How can you be so sure you won't leave me again? I fear that it would be more heartbreak than I could take. I have a 9-year-old daughter to think about."
"I'm moving back to New York, Caroline. I'm coming back for good. And I love you." The last sentence had just slipped out, but after he'd said it he realised he had wanted to say it with every fibre of his being ever since he'd laid eyes on her earlier that evening.
Caroline just sat there in stunned silence for a minute, before another tear slipped down her cheek. Had he just said what she thought he'd said?
"You do?" she finally croaked.
"You actually thought I didn't?"
"Well, I wouldn't-" she started, but he cut her off.
"Within the first month of working for you, I was in love with you. I continued to love you for three years, through several boyfriends and one unfortunate wife. I didn't even have you for a year before I lost you, but I was happier during those months than I had been in my entire life. I loved you so much it hurt. How could I possibly get over that? I never questioned it, not once, because I knew I loved you, unconditionally. Sincerely. I still do, because I never stopped."
"Oh, Richard..." she said, choking back a sob. "I didn't either. I always knew you were the love of my life. I just stopped believing that I was ever yours."
"You were." He squeezed her hand gently. "You are."
"Then why did you leave? Why didn't you come back?" she asked sadly.
"Because I was stupid, and scared, and completely out of my mind. If I could go back in time, I would do everything differently. I would never let you go if I had another chance."
She smiled meekly, and squeezed his hand in return, before quietly standing up and walking over to the bathroom. Getting a wet cloth, she wiped her face to remove the makeup that was now everywhere, and then she dabbed at her eyes with some cold water before drying off. Looking at her reflection, she could see that her eyes were still red and puffy, but it would have to do, because she needed to do this thing. She needed to feel human again. She needed to feel like a woman.
Walking back into the bedroom, she stood in front of Richard as she let the oversized cardigan drop to the floor, leaving her in just her underwear for the second time that evening. "Okay, I'm yours," she whispered.
That was all it took. He stood up and scooped her into his arms, kissing her with so much love and passion that she melted right into him again. He maneuvered her back onto the bed, and quickly got back to caressing every inch of her body. Caroline was trembling uncontrollably.
"I love you," she said, losing control of her voice as Richard placed kisses on her neck.
"You're so beautiful it's unreal," he whispered into her ear before kissing her in a way that made her feel like her heart had stopped beating for a second. She could feel life begin to fill her body again, slowly but surely, and she wanted so much more.
"I want you," she managed, her voice merely a shaky whisper as he unhooked her bra before slipping it off and throwing it to the floor. And then his lips were back on hers, tongues interacting desperately as his hand trailed down towards her now exposed breasts. He cupped one of them, rubbing it gently, causing her to moan into his mouth. He was driving her mad, creating an intense need in her she thought had died a long time ago. She ran her hands down his bare back, hoping to convey to him how much she wanted him to just take her and love her in ways only he knew how.
And he did. He slowly removed her panties, before making quick work of his own underwear, and then he was inside of her, causing her to cry out, digging her fingers into his back as he started a slow and sensual rhythm, almost driving her to tears again. He was looking into her eyes, stroking her hair and caressing her face. Then he leaned in and whispered in her ear: "Tell me what you want."
She shivered. "I want you to make the earth shake," she whispered back. She knew he would understand.
He kissed her again, long and deep, and then he started to increase the pace. Caroline arched her back, biting her lip to stop herself from screaming, and the room started spinning around her. This was it. This was earth shattering. Richard's breath was warm against her neck, and she tried to steady her own breathing, but the world was about to shatter into a million pieces around her and she couldn't control anything anymore. A string of words, or something that sounded like words, were coming out of her mouth, and then she came, the orgasm so intense she could feel every muscle in her body contracting in unison. Richard's release followed mere seconds later, and they collapsed into each other's arms.
For a while he just held her, enjoying the warmth of her skin against his. He could not believe the turn this evening had taken. It seemed almost impossible, because he'd dreamed about it so many times over the years, convinced he would never even see her again, and yet here he was. He never wanted to leave, he could stay like this forever, but a nagging voice at the back of his head was telling him that he would have to leave at some point. Soon.
"Caroline?"
"Hmm?" She lifted her head to look at him with sleepy eyes, and a small smile on her face.
"I have to go." He gently placed his hand on her face, smiling back at her. "I really don't want to, but my father is watching Stevie back at the hotel, and I promised him I would get back tonight. Shit, I need to go find my phone, he's probably already sent me a text wondering where I am."
Caroline sat up. "Oh. Right. If you need to go…" She located her panties and her big, comfy cardigan, and put them both on. She was starting to get emotional again, and she silently cursed herself for being so silly.
Richard stared at her from behind as he began to get dressed. She seemed sad again, for some reason, and he was determined to figure out why. After buttoning up his shirt, he walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her gently.
"Caroline, what's going on?" he inquired softly.
She sighed. "Nothing. I'm just being silly."
He wasn't going to let her do that. "Please, I can see that something is bothering you. Just tell me what it is. I can't help you unless you tell me."
"You're going to think it's stupid, but… I have this irrational fear that if you leave, you won't come back."
"How could you possibly think that?"
"I don't know," she whispered. "Maybe anticipating heartbreak has become my default position in life."
Richard spun her around so he could look into her eyes. "You're right, that is stupid," he said with a smirk, but his voice was soft. "Caroline…" He became serious again. "Of course I'm coming back. I have to get up early to go into the gallery in the morning-"
"Oh god!" Caroline interrupted guiltily. "I ruined your opening night, didn't I?"
He shook his head at her, chuckling gently. "You didn't ruin anything. You couldn't possibly, even if you tried. But I do have to go down there for a few hours, just to check in with the gallery owner and see how everything went tonight. After that, though, I want to see you again, and I want to see you the day after that, and then the next day, and then every day for the rest of my life, if that's okay with you."
Caroline's smile grew wider at that, and she put her arms around his neck. "It couldn't be more okay," she said, and Richard put his arms around her, pulling her against him so he could kiss her. She kissed him back, lovingly, and eventually he had to force himself to pull away from her.
"I love you," he said softly. "God, I really love you."
"I love you, too," she said, and he could hear the slight quiver in her voice.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Can't wait," she whispered.
She was just putting the coffee maker on when Annie came barging in. Some things never changed.
"Caroline! How was the snooze fest?"
Caroline chuckled, knowing that she was referring to the gallery opening. "Well…" she began, but before she could say anything else, her best friend cut her off.
"Oh my god! You had sex last night, didn't you?"
Caroline blushed, but she couldn't stop a smile from creeping onto her face.
"Caroline Duffy! I had almost given up on you! Tell me everything. How did you meet him? Did you have some sort of gallery date you neglected to tell me about? Is he cute? Are you going to see him again?"
Caroline had to laugh as her best friend fired off questions like it was an interrogation. "There was no date. It just happened."
"It just happened? Who are you?"
Caroline blushed again, shaking her head. "Hey, where's Emma?"
"Oh no, you are not doing that, missy! Del took the girls for ice cream. Now spill!"
"Well, I just sort of… I mean, there he was, and… I don't know… so I invited him back here for coffee, and then it spun out of control from there and I slept with him. Well, there was some talking involved as well, and a lot of crying, but oh god, it was magical, Annie."
"Caroline, you're rambling, and you're not making much sense. Who did you sleep with?"
She bit her lower lip nervously. "Richard."
"Who the hell is…?" Annie began, but then she trailed off, and her eyes widened until they were dangerously close to popping out of her skull. "Oh my god, you cannot be serious! Richard, as in the Lord of Darkness, THAT Richard?!"
Caroline just nodded in response.
"But how? Why? HOW?" Annie exclaimed, apparently struggling to be coherent.
"Oh god, it was wonderful. Earth shattering." Caroline sighed.
"Earth shattering?" Annie inquired. "As in, the world has now ended? We're all dead? Because that would make sense."
"Oh, stop it!" Caroline laughed. "He was one of the featured artists at this gallery, actually. He's doing quite well. He's moving back to New York now."
"Oh good," Annie quipped. "Just what this city needs."
Caroline smiled wryly, punching her lightly in the arm. "Just admit it: you've missed doing that, haven't you?"
"Oh, shut up," Annie said, sticking out her tongue. "Wow, I can't believe it," she continued. "That's actually mind-blowing. So how does he look?"
Caroline sighed. "Handsome as ever."
"Well, that one is up for debate…"
"Hey, stop that," she said, aiming for a tone of exasperation, but she couldn't stop herself from giggling like a teenage girl.
Then her face turned serious again for a minute. "I still love him, Annie," she said with sincerity.
"I know, sweetie." Annie wrapped her arms around her best friend, pulling her into a hug. "And if you're happy, I'm happy."
"Who's happy?" Del's voice interrupted. Emma and Maddie briefly said hello before bouncing off to Emma's room.
"You're not going to believe this," Annie said excitedly. "Caroline slept with Richard last night!"
"WHAT?" Del shouted in shock. "I mean, how?!"
Annie laughed. "That's what I said."
Caroline giggled too, as a stunned Del went to sit down in a chair.
"Okay, here's what happened…" she began, before going through the previous evening in more detail. Even talking about it now, it still felt like she was making it up.
"I can't believe that," Del said, still stunned, as Caroline finished the story.
"I know, I can't believe it either," she replied, almost in a whisper. She really couldn't, it seemed so crazy, so surreal, like some kind of strange fairy tale.
"The world is so weird," Del concluded, and the other two nodded in agreement.
"You can say that again," Caroline concurred.
"So when are you seeing him again?" Annie asked.
Caroline smiled, a dreamy look on her face. "Later today. Will you guys take Emma again for me? Please?" she asked with an exaggeratedly sweet tone of voice.
Annie raised her eyebrows, grinning widely. "So it's like that, is it?"
Caroline laughed. "Oh yeah. So can you do it?"
"Sure, no problem. When do you want us to pick her up?"
"Around 3pm would be great. Thanks, Annie, I owe you big time!"
At around 4pm, she heard a knock on her front door. Her heart immediately started to race and she took a few deep breaths in an attempt to remain as cool as possible. When she finally opened the door and let him in, the first thing he did was pull her into his arms, just holding her tight for a really long time. Caroline closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth and the way he smelled.
"I've missed you so much," he whispered, and she sighed into him.
"I missed you too."
He pulled away from the hug so he could look at her properly. She was wearing black skinny jeans and a loose-fitting green jumper. She'd put her hair up, which he had always loved as it allowed him a complete view of her face, and her eyes were shining brightly up at him.
"Wow, you're so gorgeous."
She blushed, biting her lower lip.
"It's funny. Over the years, your face began to fade from my memory, somehow. I didn't forget what you looked like, not entirely, but that memory was overpowered by how much I missed your cheerfulness, and your compassion, and your stupid singing when you were cleaning or cooking. My head was filled with thoughts of how much I missed the way you smell, and the way your eyes are like windows into your soul. I remembered your kindness, and the way you used to challenge my way of thinking, which I always loved even though I pretended to be annoyed by it. I missed how we would just talk for hours, and how captivating you were when you got excited about something. I missed the way you breathe. But when I saw you again last night I was struck by your beauty all over again, as if it were the first time. It really threw me. I mean, how could I forget?"
Caroline's eyes had gone blank with tears. She walked over to the sofa, taking the opportunity to compose herself. A moment later, he followed, sitting down next to her.
"You are truly the most beautiful person I've ever known."
"I find that so hard to believe," Caroline said in a half-whisper. "I always felt so small and bland compared to Julia, for example. I could never compete with that."
"That's where you're wrong. Yes, Julia was exciting, but the first time I saw her, I didn't immediately think, "Oh crap, I'm going to fall in love with this woman." But when I saw you, that's exactly what I thought, and the fact that you were out of my league haunted me for the next three years." He sighed.
Caroline reached for his hand. "I can't believe I let you walk out of my life eleven years ago. I just let it happen. What is wrong with me?"
"Are you serious? I can't believe I told you I didn't want children! I was such an idiot. There is nothing I would have loved more than to be the father of your child. Once I got Stevie, I realised that being a parent was one of the best things to ever happen to me. It really changed me. It changed my outlook on life. And after that, I wanted to call you so many times. But as the months passed by, with all the legal proceedings I had to go through with Stefano, I convinced myself that you had moved on. I was sure you had realised you could do better."
A tear slipped down Caroline's cheek. "I never moved on. I pretended to, and I almost believed it myself, but there was a hole in my heart that only you could fill."
He closed his eyes in anguish. "I'm so sorry," he whispered shakily. "We always had really bad timing, didn't we?"
She chuckled sadly. "I guess we did."
He put his other hand on top of hers. "There's still time. We're here now."
They talked for hours, about their lives, the past as well as the potential future. Richard told Caroline about Stefano, what a cute toddler he had been and how he had started joining his father when he was painting. He talked about how he had finally managed to sell one of his pieces after years of hard work. Caroline told Richard about Emma, about Randy's sudden death and the aftermath of it all. She talked to him about the strip, which she had stopped doing for a while due to severe depression, but she had started drawing again, eventually, and now Cartoon Caroline was a single mother in the city, which a lot of women seemed to love and relate to. She had also written a few children's books during the past few years, realising she had all these stories she wanted to tell, which had generated a whole other line of cards and merchandise, resulting in her having to hire a second assistant.
"I'm so glad to hear you are doing well," Richard said, feeling a hint of pride. He had always known that Caroline was talented, but considering what she had been through it was truly inspirational to see what she had accomplished.
"Do you want to see?" she asked, a small smile on her face.
"Of course," he replied.
She got up and walked over to the bookshelf, fishing out two of her books before making her way back to the couch.
The first book was about a turtle who was teased by all the other animals for being so slow, but then realised that no matter what, he would always reach his goals at his own speed, and he learned to accept himself for who he was. It was a sweet story, and funny, too. Richard discovered that her illustrations were actually really good; they didn't look like cartoons at all.
"These are amazing. Where did you learn to draw like this?"
"I took a few classes. Do you really think they're good?" she asked proudly.
"Caroline, this book was a New York Times best seller. My opinion is insignificant," he laughed. "But yes, I think they're really great."
She chuckled. "Your opinion will always matter to me. I always wanted your approval, you know." She smiled wryly.
He smirked back at her. "You were always way too ambitious," he said sarcastically. Caroline laughed.
"I've actually missed that."
"Missed what?" he inquired, raising his eyebrows slightly.
"Your sarcasm," she said sweetly. She really had missed it.
She showed him the second book she had brought with her from the bookshelf. It was about a little girl who lost her favourite toy at the airport. The story was about learning to let go of the past and accepting your losses. Richard had a feeling that he knew what had inspired this book, and felt a twinge of sadness.
"This is…" he finally managed, but couldn't finish the sentence.
"I know," she said softly. She didn't have to say any more, the look they had shared spoke volumes. She leaned in to rest her head on his shoulder.
"Richard, I know you feel bad for leaving, but I never blamed you for making that decision. You need to know that. You had just found out that you'd become a father. You were scared. I should have given you more time."
"Well, I didn't exactly express myself in a way that left you with much room for hope. I told you I absolutely didn't want children. How were you supposed to react? No, I pushed you away. You didn't owe me anything."
"But I did," she said quietly, and he could tell that she was close to tears.
"Okay, look at me," he said firmly, and Caroline straightened up before turning to face him.
"You were wonderful to me. You were patient, even when I was being almost impossible. You were kind, even when I was a jerk. And you were incredibly supportive, no matter what… even when I found out about Stevie. You were willing to go to Italy with me to meet him. You were so amazing."
Her eyes had gone blank, and she was just staring into his eyes silently.
"And I was stupid enough to tell you I didn't want to have children. I was selfish. I didn't deserve you."
She squeezed her eyes shut, and tears rolled down her cheeks. God, why did he always have to make her cry?
"I'm so sorry," he whispered.
She shook her head, and leaned in to wrap her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. He pulled her into his arms, and had to fight back tears of his own.
"It hurts me to hear how much you blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. Besides, we've done alright, haven't we?"
He nodded against her. "You certainly have."
She pulled away from him slightly to look him in the eyes again. "So have you."
He wiped the tears from her face, carefully stroking her cheek. She smiled weakly at him, and he couldn't resist her anymore. Tangling his fingers into her hair, he leaned in to capture her lips with his.
The kiss was long, deep and meaningful, and his heart leapt into his throat as she put her arms back around his neck. "I love you," he whispered against her mouth, before recapturing her lips, deepening the kiss as his tongue went in search of hers. With each kiss and each touch, he tried to take away any lingering doubts she might have about being the most beautiful woman in the world. He wanted to take away all her pain.
Later, as they laid tangled up in her sheets, two words he hadn't thought about in so long he had forgotten all about them resurfaced from the depths of his memory: sincere amore. He used to talk about it like he knew what it meant, but he really didn't. It had taken him this long to really learn the meaning of those words: this woman, now asleep with her head on his chest, had come back into his life after eleven years, and she still loved him, despite not only being apart from him for so long, but also him being a complete idiot. And he had never stopped loving her. These past 24 hours had proved to him that sincere amore was real; it was extremely rare, but it was real, and it was the kind of love that even eleven years apart couldn't put a stop to.
His heart belonged to her, and it always would.
He spent the night this time, having cleared it with his dad in advance. It felt so good just to lie there in the dark with his arms around her, and he was so happy it took him a while to fall asleep.
When he woke up the next morning, he turned to find that the other side of the bed had been vacated. For a brief moment he was disappointed, but then he noticed the smell of breakfast coming from downstairs. Putting on his boxers and t-shirt, he went downstairs to find her humming softly to herself, setting the table by the window. He walked up to her and put his arms around her, smiling as she leaned back into his embrace.
"I've missed that sound," he said, kissing her neck.
She laughed, which was another one of his favourite sounds.
"I've actually missed the way you used to mock my singing," she replied, turning around to face him. He placed a light kiss on her lips.
"Well, I'm sure the novelty will wear off at some point," he smiled.
"Can't wait," she chirped. "So are you hungry?"
"Starving, actually."
"Good. Let's eat."
They spent the morning talking about what their plans for the day were. Richard was going to look for an apartment for him and Stefano, and Caroline had a meeting at 1pm with her marketing team before picking up Emma and Maddie from school.
"So…" Richard said, getting ready to broach a subject that had been stirring at the back of his mind all morning. "What happens now?"
"You mean with us?" Caroline inquired with interest.
"No, I mean with the universe," he said sarcastically, but he couldn't keep a straight face. Caroline chuckled, before flinging a piece of bread at him.
"Well, what did you want to happen?" She raised her eyebrows, as if it were a challenge of some sort.
"I don't know… should we have dinner tonight? Or tomorrow? Introduce our kids to each other? Get married? Get a cat? Hey, whatever happened to that beast, anyway?"
She couldn't help but laugh at that. "Hey, don't be mean. Salty loved you!"
"She peed all over my seat on a regular basis."
"That was her way of showing affection," Caroline said teasingly. "Anyway, she passed away last year."
"Passed away? Did you throw her a funeral?"
"As a matter of fact, I did. It was a beautiful celebration of her life." She made a face of mock-huffiness, sticking her chin out demonstratively.
"Of course it was," he responded sarcastically. "I wouldn't expect any less."
A small chuckle escaped Caroline's mouth, and Richard couldn't help but smirk. In a weird way, he kind of missed that stupid cat. Not enough to say anything about it, though.
For the next few weeks, they were inseparable. They introduced Emma and Stevie to each other, and they seemed to get along quite well. Richard found a small apartment to rent in a building just down the road from Caroline's, and they spent most of their time sleeping over at each other's places. Things were going great, until Caroline started to realise that something wasn't quite right.
She was having lunch with Annie at a small café around the corner from Annie and Del's apartment one day, and she felt she needed to voice her worries to someone.
"Annie, I'm late."
Annie, about to take a drink from her glass of water, practically spluttered in response to what she had just heard.
"You're what?" she exclaimed. "How is that possible?"
"I don't know! I'm old!"
Annie raised her eyebrows. "Honey, you're not that old," she chuckled. "Are you okay?"
"I'm not sure. I mean, I haven't taken a test or anything… yet."
"Well, how late are you?"
"Two weeks." She bit her lower lip. "That's not good, is it?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's early menopause?" Annie said teasingly.
"Thanks, that's comforting!" Caroline quipped.
Annie laughed. "I'm sorry. So what are you going to do about it?"
Caroline shook her head in defeat. "I can't have a baby at my age, can I?"
"It's slightly more risky, but doctors today are really good at their jobs," Annie said in an attempt to make her best friend feel better.
"True, but I really don't know if I could handle it. Also, what is Richard going to say? Things have been so great between us, and something like this would ruin everything."
"Sweetie, that man would do absolutely anything for you. Surely you know that. But before you start to freak out, you should really take a test. Once you know for sure, you can move on to the next challenge. But I don't think you need to worry about Richard."
"I hope you're right," she whispered.
The three-minute wait was complete agony. Caroline couldn't sit still; she was pacing back and forth between the bathroom and the kitchen, trying to calm herself down and failing miserably. How was Richard going to react if she was actually pregnant? Was Annie right? Could he really be happy about it? She felt like she was going to throw up. Oh god.
When her three minutes were up, she took a deep breath before approaching the stick carefully. She picked it up, slowly, and took another deep breath before finally looking at it.
It was positive. There you go, Caroline. You're pregnant.
She wanted to text Annie immediately, because she was freaking out, but she thought she should probably tell Richard first. As the reality finally started to sink in, she slumped down onto the sofa; the stick was still in her hand, and all she could do was stare at it, feeling slightly numb at the thought of having to tell him about all of this.
He walked through the door a few hours later, greeting her with a kiss as he unloaded a few bags of shopping on her counter. For a minute he was busying himself with the food, but when he noticed the look on her face, he stopped what he was doing.
"Caroline, is something wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Oh, god. Richard, I think you should sit down." Her heart was pounding in her chest, she was so nervous she thought she was going to be sick.
"Okay…" he said, with a worried look on his face.
They went over to the living room area. Richard sat down on the couch, and Caroline sat down in the chair so she could face him.
"Honey, what is it? You're making me nervous."
Caroline put her face in her hands. She had to force herself to look back up at him.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry. I'm pregnant."
Richard was stunned into silence. Pregnant?
"Please say something, Richard." Caroline had to fight back tears. Richard saw the immense sadness in her eyes, and his heart ached at the sight of her, the love of his life. This was not at all what he had expected, but he loved her, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and now… now, there was another life growing inside of her. She was pregnant with his child. His child.
"Caroline…" he began, his voice soft. "I love you, and I will love this child. If you wanted to keep it, that is?" He sincerely hoped she did.
She nodded carefully, and when he broke into a smile she responded by returning the smile as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"Then there's nothing that would make me happier," he said, feeling more and more emotional by the second.
Caroline burst into tears, and moved to sit next to him on the couch, wrapping her arms around him as she inched her way onto his lap, and then he was crying, too, using one hand to wipe his eyes as the other one was wrapped around her. She was crying into his neck, and he rubbed her back gently, sniffling as another tear slipped down his cheek. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried, and especially not from happiness. In fact, this was probably the first time.
"I was so worried…" she whispered.
"Worried about what?" he asked gently.
"I was worried you'd get upset. I was scared of ruining everything."
"There's no way," he whispered back.
Once they had both stopped crying, they sat down next to each other to talk about it properly.
"So how did this happen?" he asked curiously. "I mean, we've been using protection..."
"Yeah, but we didn't that first night. Remember?" She smiled weakly.
He nodded in realisation, returning the smile.
"I wasn't thinking clearly that night," she sighed, shaking her head. He grabbed her hand and held it firmly in his.
"I wasn't either."
They sat in silence for a moment, letting it all sink in.
"So… we're having a baby, then?" He looked into her eyes.
"Yeah," she said with a smile. "We're having a baby."
By the time she was 45, Caroline was living in a big, two-floor apartment, still in New York. But now she was married to the love of her life, and they had three children: one boy and two girls. Stevie, Emma and Amelia. Life had turned upside down in just one year, and she loved every minute of it. She hadn't thought she would ever fall in love again, and she had been right; instead, big love number one had returned. And now her life was finally complete, the way she had always pictured it. It was only the road to get there that had been different, in the end.