I have no words...

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Red Septembers

The sound of piano notes filled the air as Greg stood in the centre of the room as the sound of the fire crackling and the flowers in his hands rustling mingled with the scent of the cinnamon candles. His soulful eyes glistened in the dim lighting as she appeared through the door the weight of work landed heavily alongside her bag on the floor by the front door. Sara cast her eyes over the strange reality that he had created for their evening and it felt odd to be calling this home. It had been a year but it still didn't feel like home. She still called it his apartment, she still asked him when she wanted to change things and she still thought about the layout of her old house in the darkness of the night as she walked about attempting to get used to the sound of the creaky floorboards. The only thing that made this home was him; his scent, his warmth, the sound of his voice.

"Happy anniversary" He announced stepping towards her pressing a kiss to her cheek before handing her the flowers he had chosen. It felt like he'd spent hours in the florists- he had found himself dizzy from the pollen as a perfect bouquet was created for Sara. She surveyed before her; White Tulips; the flowers of one sided love. Nestled between was Rosemary for remembrance and Pear Blossoms for lasting friendship. Sara realised it was almost fate that Greg had chosen the very flowers that represented the relationship they had found themselves in. She carefully met Greg's eyes wondering if he knew what he'd chosen, but from the still gaze she realised that he didn't. The warmth, the affection seemed oblivious to the truths she held in her hands.

"They're beautiful" Sara smiled kissing him softly. It had been over a year ago today that everything in her life had changed. Grissom had walked away. The distance had become far too much for them both and finding themselves as strangers only seemed to provoke the reaction that had been brewing for so long. Sara had fallen apart. She had found herself lost. She realised she not know how to put herself back together having lost the past twelve years of love. But Greg had been there for her- like always- he had held her together. And somehow their friendship had grown into so much more.

It had been inevitable everyone had said when they had first started dating. They had looked on at the way he had supported her, the way he had done everything to make her happy and found themselves smiling at the painful loyalty. Sara wished so many times she could show him the same. She wished that for once Greg wouldn't have to fix her that things would change. She had always loved him- Sara convinced herself. Despite the overriding feelings for Grissom, she knew that Greg had always been the second place she would never let go of.

But he shouldn't have just been second place. Over the years he had given himself to her in ways that she had only imagined to see in old movies. He had been as romantic and charming as he could possibly be but as Greg lead her by the hand she found herself wondering why she felt as if something was missing. After all of these years she should have been happy. She should have felt complete but when he held her Sara still found her heart longing for something else; someone else.

She had tried her hardest to convince herself that it was simply the consequence of losing your first love. But whenever she fought with Greg or things hit a rough patch Sara found herself turning back to what she knew like the back of her hand. The bittersweet knowing of loving someone more than they ever loved you. She would lay awake with the intensity of her feelings for Grissom burning in the pit of her stomach as Greg lay asleep beside her. And it was wrong. She knew it was wrong to be thinking about someone who had broken her heart in that way. But for some reason the only option she wouldn't take was just... walking away.

"I got you this..." Greg handed her a small box waiting nervously for her to open it. Inside was a beautiful band studded with diamonds, a pearl settled in the centre, taking a pride of place. It was ring she had seen before- it belonged to his grandmother. Sara found herself overwhelmed by the sentiment. She blinked away the tears in her eyes because now was not the time to break down- it wasn't the time to tell him all the doubts that had been lingering in her mind.

"I can't...I can't keep this Greg" Sara shook her head closing the box and pressing it against his palm. The confusion crossing his expression for a mere second before he just shook his head and smiled at her. Sara didn't understand how she could find just a wonderful man infuriating. Or why all of her senses were telling her to push him away to make him realise that she wasn't worth all the trouble or time he had put in to make this relationship work.

"I want you to keep it Sara. One day you'll be able to wear it and know exactly what it means" He whispered in her ear, placing the box in the pocket of her jeans. The guilt seemed to hit her like a storm in the desert in that moment. It had always appeared to her that Greg knew her better than she knew herself; it only seemed natural that he would see the faults in the way she looked at him. "I know you've eaten dinner...but I got banoffee pie... I know it's your favourite..." he continued almost unaffected by the confession that had passed between them.

"No" Sara shook her head taking the fork out of his hand putting the plate aside. She looked into his eyes wanting him to see all the battles she was trying to win. Her hand lazily brushing across his cheek wanting to show him some warmth; a small fraction of how he felt and the things he did. "Come to bed with me" She motioned to the stairs tangling her fingers with his but Greg remained firmly planted to the spot.

"Sara we need to talk about this" He stated turning to look away knowing if he met her eye then he would crumble. Sara stepped closer to him pressing her lips against his, kissing him with everything she could muster. He found himself caught off guard by the way she lingered, her hands holding his as all of her being attempted to convince him. Without a word he nodded his head letting Sara lead him up the narrow stairwell. The bedroom was the way it had been since Greg had first moved in, the only thing that had seemed to have changed was Sara's presence.

They silently undressed falling upon the covers in a tangled mess, their bodies finding the right positions for them to be. Their eyes met as they rocked their hips against each other and Greg found himself confused by the way she was watching him. It was as if for the first time Sara was with him while they made love not buried in memories. Her eyes washed over his from, her fingertips moving across his body as if the learn by heart the feel of his skin, her lips tracing a path across his shoulders as she clung to him.

It was different. It was strange. She breathed his name over and over as he kissed her neck as if attempting to commit it to memory to not slip back into old habits. She tugged at his hair pulling him towards her wanting to feel his body pressed against hers. It was as if it was the first time. The frown furrowing his brow seemed to disappear the moment she leant up to kiss him. It was a kiss that seemed to say everything words had failed. She wanted to try. She had been trying all of this time but it just wasn't easy. It never would be but Sara knew more than anything she wasn't ready to let Greg go. She would let the past haunt the present- she would no longer live with ghosts.

They collapsed into oblivion clinging to each other as if holding on to their very last change. "I'm sorry" The words whispered into his ear sending chilling shivers down Greg's spine. His mind seemed to race at a million miles per minute as he attempted to figure out what she meant and whether this was goodbye. "Let's start again" She muttered urgently to him. "All of this- let's do this properly" The words were what had wanted to hear for the past twelve months but so how now they were on her lips Greg realised that perhaps he didn't believe her.

"You still love him" Greg shook his head. "We can't just pretend that you don't"

"I love you... I'm learning to love you..." She replied resting her head against his chest listening to the sound of his heart beat the juxtaposition in their pose resounding silently through the room. Greg ran his fingers through her hair, displacing the messy curls with a small sigh.

"And that's enough?" The question he asked was like a loaded gun- they were playing a dangerous game. She found herself picturing her life without him and it struck her she couldn't. Greg had come to consume everything within her understandings of reality. He was her rock, her shooting star, and she wasn't going to let this pass her by only find herself in another well of regret. It was true she still loved Grissom and perhaps she always would. But she could learn to love again. She could learn to be with Greg in a way he wanted her to. The thought excited her- it didn't fill her with dread as she had feared. She wanted to know what it would be like to wake up knowing that she'd made the right decision.

"Yes" Sara propped herself up to look into Greg's eyes. "Yes...it's more than enough. It's all I've wanted..."

The End