A/N: Written for the 2017 Team Free Will Big Bang Challenge. You guys can check out this fic under my Ao3 listing or the tumblrs aini-nufire or casquecest for the awesome art that was done to go with it. Unfortunately, the cover gets cropped on this site.

Thanks to Miyth for helping brainstorm, and to her and 29Pieces for beta reading. Takes place after 12x10 "Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets."

Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine.

"Hold On, Let Go"

Dean guided the Impala up the long gravel drive to the bunker, slowing as he rounded the bend and found another car already parked outside.

Sam straightened in the passenger seat. "Did Mom tell you she was coming?"

"No," Dean replied as he pulled to a stop behind the sporty blue coupe.

Mom was as flighty as a certain trench-coated angel, and just as open about her comings and goings. First she'd needed 'time,' meaning space, and space meaning away from them. Then she'd come back when Dean and Sam had been missing in that government detention center, and Dean had thought she was finally going to stay. But she hadn't, and he was beginning to think she never would.

So as he got out of the car and headed toward the door, Dean didn't let himself feel anything other than mild curiosity at what she was doing here. Maybe to ask them in on a case, since she was apparently hunting now. And that was another thing he couldn't wrap his head around—he knew Mom had been upset to learn that he and Sam had become hunters, that she'd wanted to give up this life. But now here she was, readily diving back into it.

Just…not with them. Her own sons.

"Mom?" Sam called as they descended the stairs, making their way through the war room and into the study area where Mary was just standing up from one of the tables. She didn't have any books out or anything, which suggested she'd just been sitting there, waiting for them.

"Hey," she greeted, roving her gaze over them. "You just get back from a hunt?"

"Yeah," Dean replied. "Djinn. Took care of it easy."

She nodded. "Sorry I didn't call first. My phone got dinged up in a fight with a werewolf."

Sam frowned. "You okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Except…" She trailed off, and Dean's heart suddenly stuttered.

"You weren't bitten, were you?" he exclaimed.

Mom's eyes widened. "Oh, no. Nothing like that."

Dean could have sagged in relief. "Okay. Something else happen?"

"You could say that." She shifted her weight, looking uncomfortable, and Dean tried to brace himself for other bad news. "I realized something, on this last case."

Dean furrowed his brow in confusion. Realized something?

Mom lifted her gaze to meet his. "I've been trying so hard to piece some kind of life back together, after losing it all. I didn't fit in this time, in your lives, having missed out on everything in between."

"Mom," Sam started, but she held a hand up.

"I realized that I'm still missing out, only this time it's my fault. My choice. And my mistake. But I don't want to miss any more." She hesitated. "I want to come back. I'm ready to come back. If that's alright."

Dean knew better than to get his hopes up, knew better than to let himself feel that much joy at something good in their lives, but in that moment he couldn't stop himself from smiling as his heart swelled with beaming happiness. "'Course it is."

Sam broke into a wide grin, which Mom returned.

"Hey, you're probably hungry after fighting a djinn," she said. "I'll make you something for dinner."

"Oh, you don't have to do that," Sam said hurriedly.

She waved him off. "I want to." She looked at Dean next. "How's chicken alfredo sound?"

He blinked. "Um, good." Really good. "I thought you didn't cook, though?"

She shrugged. "I didn't. But did you know the Internet is full of videos teaching everything from gourmet cooking to building your own turbo-jet engine?"

Dean arched a dubious brow. "Uh…were you trying to build a turbo-jet engine?"

Mom laughed. "No. But I think I can handle chicken alfredo."

"I don't know if we have the ingredients for that," Sam spoke up.

Mom just smiled. "I stopped at the store on my way here."

"Oh." Now Sam looked a little taken aback. "Okay. You want help?"

She shook her head. "No, I got this. You two should probably shower, unpack." She moved forward then, pulling Dean into a hug first, then Sam. When she drew back, she gave them both another doting smile. "My boys," she said, reaching out with one hand to adjust Sam's collar, and the other to touch Dean's shoulder. Then she turned and headed toward the kitchen.

Sam quirked a brow at her retreating form. "Um, okay, what was that?"

"What was what?" Dean replied. "Mom's back." He was nearly giddy with excitement, because finally. He had been floored when she'd first been resurrected by Amara, but then things had only become more and more confusing because Mom was…was not the Mom he remembered from his childhood. Mary had become an enigma, someone Dean still loved down to his core, but didn't know what to make of. But if she was truly going to stay now, then they'd get the chance to get to know each other again, and find a new dynamic. Yeah, it'd be hard and awkward, but no more so than it was already. They- they could make it work.

"Yeah, and she's making us dinner when she doesn't cook," Sam persisted.

"So?"

Sam heaved a sigh. "So, you don't think she's maybe trying too hard? She doesn't have to win us back or anything."

Actually, Dean wouldn't mind a little effort on her part to show that she still loved them. Her leaving—more than once—had hurt, after all. In some ways, worse than when she'd died, because that hadn't been her choice, and lately…she'd chosen to reject them. To walk out on them. Which Dean would never understand, and on some level wasn't sure he could forgive… But maybe her trying to do something normal and mom-like was her way of proving that she wasn't planning on leaving again. And if she was willing to try, then so was Dean.

"If she starts doing my laundry, we can tell her we don't expect her to be our maid," he said. "But right now, I'm starving, and I could go for some chicken."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Fine. But don't say anything if she burns it."

Dean waved a dismissive hand at his brother. He didn't care if Mom was a 'good' cook or not, or even if she'd make cooking dinner a regular thing or they ordered in. In fact, he wouldn't care if she cooked every night and every night it was terrible.

As long as she stayed.

Castiel parked his truck behind the Impala and shut off the engine. He exited slowly, eyes peeled as he scanned the area. The old factory was the only thing out here, surrounded by fields and groves for miles. Just the type of place where a djinn would establish a nest. Sam and Dean had obviously thought so as well.

Castiel walked up to the Impala and roved his gaze over it. The vehicle was empty, and there was a thin dusting of pollen over its normally bright sheen, suggesting it had been parked here for a couple of days. That did not bode well. Castiel found it hard to believe that a djinn would get the drop on both Winchesters, given their skill level and experience. Perhaps there was more than one. He dropped his angel blade down from his sleeve and turned toward the building. He was fairly certain Sam and Dean were inside, as that was where their phones' GPS beacons were coming from. Castiel was immensely grateful Sam had taught him how to track those. He'd known the Winchesters were on a case hunting a djinn, but when he'd been unable to reach either of them after several attempts, Castiel had come to the conclusion that they must be in trouble.

He strode toward the building, windows so oxidized it was impossible to see inside. Gripping his angel blade in one hand, he grasped the door handle with the other and cranked it open. He cringed as the whole thing grated loudly and echoed throughout the dark interior. Other than that, everything was quiet. He moved forward cautiously, navigating his way around old machinery, standing work stations, and shelving units that created a labyrinthine layout.

He paused when he caught a metallic glint on the floor much shinier than the rusted pieces of equipment surrounding it. Crouching down, Castiel found it was a silver knife, probably Sam's or Dean's.

He straightened sharply and began to storm through the factory with more urgency. The Winchesters had been missing for a couple of days; if they had been ensnared by the djinn that entire time, then they were likely in severely weakened conditions.

Castiel swept around a pile of crates and pulled up short for a split second as his eyes took in the scene. Sam and Dean were suspended in chains looped around a metal pipe extending out from a machine unit, knees slightly bent as neither of them were supporting their own weight, their chins dropped forward against their chests, eyes closed.

Castiel stowed his blade inside the fold of his coat and surged forward, reaching two fingers of each hand out to their foreheads to cure the poison and wake them. He had barely infused a fraction of healing when a dark shape dropped down from above, driving Castiel to the ground. He rolled and tried to reach his blade, but the djinn twisted around as well, straddling him. Cobalt eyes blazed with murderous intent, and a flaming blue hand came slapping down across his face. Castiel bucked, but couldn't throw the djinn off. He felt something cold and electric begin to seep into his skin. Castiel thrust his own palm out against the djinn's forehead and summoned a burst of power to smite the monster. Golden light erupted, along with another surge of blue. The two collided, and then everything exploded with a crackling nova and resounding scream.

Castiel swayed, suddenly finding himself standing. He blinked and whipped his head around, taking in the bunker's library. What…?

Sharp tingles zinged across his arm, and Castiel winced as he raised his hand to watch faint blue squiggles race along his skin before dissipating. That…did not seem good. How had the djinn been able to affect him? Because this was most certainly not the bunker. Castiel needed to get back to reality, needed to save Sam and Dean.

A pair of footsteps sounded in the hall a moment before said Winchesters came in.

"Cas, hey," Dean said, surprised. "Didn't know you were coming by."

Castiel narrowed his eyes and studied them shrewdly. This was Dean, the real Dean. And Sam. So this was their dream world? And somehow Castiel had entered it?

"Uh, Cas, you okay?" Sam asked.

Castiel roved his gaze around suspiciously in search of the djinn. "This isn't real."

Dean raised his brows. "Come again?"

Castiel turned back to face them. "You've been captured by a djinn. This is a fantasy world." Though, he was curious how everything seemed…normal. Surely a dream of wish fulfillment would have tipped either of the Winchesters off. And why were they in the same dream world, for that matter?

Dean and Sam exchanged a confused look.

"That's impossible," Dean said. "Me and Sam ganked that thing days ago."

"You've been missing for days," Castiel pressed. "I only just found you at the old factory you must have tracked the djinn to."

Dean still looked as though he didn't quite believe it, but then the light seemed to go out of his eyes, and he reached a hand up to rub his jaw. "Dammit, I should have known," he muttered. "Mom's in the kitchen baking a pie." He let out an embittered snort. "Obviously, too good to be true."

Castiel's heart twinged. That explained it, then. Their wish must have been for Mary to come back and stay with them, and if it was something they both deeply yearned for, it would be easier for the djinn to keep them in the same fantasy.

"So," Sam started carefully. "When we killed it…that was part of the dream?"

"It must have been," Castiel said. "Perhaps it knew you wouldn't fall for a wish fulfillment that drastically changed things, and so it attempted to trick you with truths mixed in with the lies."

"Well, that's just great," Dean grumbled, and Castiel could see some of the devastation peeking through the cracks of his staunch mask. "So I guess we have to kill ourselves to wake up, huh?"

Castiel pressed his mouth into a thin line. He should have been able to wake them himself, but when he tried to extend his grace to break the spell and free their consciousnesses, his power was blocked. He glanced down at his hand, flexing it curiously.

Dean marched over to one of the study tables and pulled out a gun that was strapped to the underside of it. "I hate djinn."

A muscle in Sam's jaw ticked as he grabbed a katana off a display rack and unsheathed the blade. Castiel looked away, unwilling to watch, even though it wasn't real and was their only method of escape. He braced himself, prepared to find the one djinn, possibly more, when they returned to the real world.

There was the crack of a gunshot, and the bunker scenery abruptly melted into mist. Castiel's vision went dark for a split second, and in the next eye blink, he was standing in a motel parking lot. His pulse spiked; that wasn't supposed to happen…

"Um…"

Castiel turned to find Sam and Dean with him.

"Shouldn't we have woken up in the factory?" Sam finished, gazing around in confusion.

Castiel clenched his fists. "We're still in the dream world."

"What? How?" Dean demanded. "I just ate a friggin' bullet; that was supposed to end the fantasy!"

"I don't know why it didn't work," Castiel replied. It should have. Sam and Dean should have been freed from the false reality. Was…was Castiel's presence somehow holding them back? He still wasn't sure how he'd come to be in the dream world. Perhaps…perhaps he needed to also participate in the mutual suicide for it to work, if all three of them were trapped together. But a quick glance at the Winchesters showed they hadn't carried their weapons into this new scenario, which meant they would have to find some in order to end it at the exact same time.

"Cas," Sam said. "Can't you just wake us up? Heal the djinn poison?"

Castiel shifted his weight. "My power is being blocked somehow," he admitted. "I'm not able to leave the dream world, either."

Dean's brows rose sharply. "Well, that ain't good," he muttered.

"Wait," Sam went on, eyes widening. "Did you kill the djinn before coming in to get us?"

Castiel averted his gaze. "I- I tried to. I started to smite it…but then I found myself in the bunker, and now I'm not so sure I managed to kill it."

"Found yourself in the bunker?" Sam repeated. "So, you didn't enter the dream intentionally?"

He clenched his jaw. "No."

"Oh, well, that's frickin' awesome," Dean groused. "So, what, the djinn is out there feeding on all three of us?"

"It shouldn't be able to feed on me," Castiel said, though that point was hardly significant. The important thing was the djinn was feeding on Sam and Dean while Castiel was somehow prevented from fighting back. "Was there more than one?" he asked.

Sam frowned. "No. I mean, I don't think so." He threw his brother a questioning look.

Dean just shrugged. "I only remember one. But I also don't remember getting nabbed." He turned in a half circle and spread his arms to encompass the mostly empty lot. "So what's this supposed to be? Sam, you got a kinky wish fantasy waiting in one of these rooms?"

Sam shot him a dark glower. "Don't you mean you?"

Castiel attempted to tune out their bickering as he scanned the area, trying to formulate a plan. Killing themselves—all three of them—was still their best course of action, so they would need to arrange a method.

"Um, guys," Sam said tensely.

Castiel turned around and stiffened as he caught sight of a group of men and women in suits making their way across the lot. Angels.

"Castiel," the one at the head of the group called out in greeting.

Castiel held himself rigidly as he eyed them, hand instinctively twitching in preparation to draw his blade, even though he knew this wasn't real. "Oriel," he said cautiously.

The lead angel dipped her head in acknowledgement of the response. "Castiel, we come bearing news."

He wondered what news the angels could possibly deliver that the Winchesters would want to hear, considering Dean's general dislike of them all. Unless the djinn had decided to go for something outlandish, like more of Sam and Dean's friends being resurrected, perhaps. After all, it wasn't like there wasn't any precedent for that.

But the trick wouldn't work, as they all now knew this was only an illusion.

"Given that Lucifer has been returned to the Cage," Oriel continued. "And your role in seeing it done, Heaven has reevaluated your standing…and it has been declared that your sins are forgiven, Castiel."

He stared at her blankly.

Oriel took an earnest step forward. "You can return home, to Heaven."

No one said anything for a long, tense moment, until Dean finally broke the silence.

"What the hell is this?"

Castiel pivoted, turning his back on the angels. "Nothing. We need to find some weapons, attempt to break the fantasy again." He stormed across the lot, having no idea where he was going, but wanting it to be anywhere other than here. Footsteps pounded on the pavement behind him as Sam and Dean hurried to catch up.

"Wait a second," Sam sputtered. "Is this your wish fulfillment, Cas?"

Castiel didn't respond, and Dean grabbed his arm to roughly spin him back around.

"Cas, what the hell? Is this really what you want more than anything? To go back to Heaven with those dickbags? After all the crap they've put you through?"

Castiel wrenched his arm free. "The djinn twists things, Dean."

Sam's brows knitted together. "Yeah, but…it's all based off a core wish." His eyes widened. "Shit, that means the djinn is able to feed on you, doesn't it? That's how we're here now, in your wish instead of ours?"

Castiel gritted his teeth. He didn't know how the djinn was able to pull this desire from his mind like that. And he was furious that not only was he somehow vulnerable to it, but that the djinn had broadcasted it for Sam and Dean to see. His hand inched toward his coat, tempted to draw his blade and stab himself through the heart just to end it. But if he did that prematurely, then it was likely to have the same effect as when Dean and Sam had killed themselves, and the djinn would just pluck another wish from one of them to fulfill.

"I don't know how our minds are connected," he said. "But I think we'll have to exit the dream together, at the same time."

"Can we go back to the fact that Cas would rather be in Heaven than with us?" Dean said angrily.

Castiel whirled on him. "Maybe what I really want is to not be hated by my own kind, for my name to not be synonymous with the new Lucifer, and to not be forever banned from Heaven, which was my home for billions of years before I met you." He paused to draw in a sharp breath, anger bleeding out as quickly as it'd come, and leaving only heavy sorrow. "Maybe what I want is to have finally earned redemption and forgiveness for all my mistakes."

Dean and Sam stared at him in stunned silence, and Castiel looked away, ashamed at his outburst. Across the lot, the group of angels were still standing there, waiting for him. He turned away from them too.

"Cas…" Sam started.

"I would not return to Heaven permanently," Castiel cut him off. "You are my friends—my family. We've been through much together, and I will always stand by your side…" His words choked off, and Castiel squeezed his eyes shut against swelling moisture. "It doesn't matter," he said more hoarsely. "This isn't real. It will never be real."

"You're better off without those dicks."

"Dean," Sam said under his breath, before changing to a sympathetic tone. "I'm sorry, Cas. I…I can't imagine what that's like, to lose your home and family like that. But earning redemption? You don't have to do that. From anyone."

Castiel shook his head. "You don't understand. When you both die, eventually, you'll go to Heaven."

"Debatable," Dean muttered.

"You will," Castiel argued. "And I…"

Sam's expression slackened as he seemed to get it. "And you won't be able to see us again."

Castiel's throat constricted. That time would be a long way off if he had anything to say about it. Though, the Winchesters both had a propensity for doing their damnedest to thwart his best intentions at keeping them safe and alive.

"Damn," Dean murmured, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, Cas, I didn't even think about what would happen…later. Hell, dying's almost lost its punch at this point, you know?"

"Not for me."

Dean nodded contritely. "Yeah. Look, we'll find a way to change things, get you back upstairs. Like those douches just said, you helped re-Cage Lucifer."

"That was my pathetic wish for them to say that," Castiel countered bitterly. "All they see is that I let him out in the first place. Not to mention everything else I've done."

Dean shook his head adamantly. "You helped stand against the Darkness while those cowards hid upstairs. You defeated Metatron—"

"Then let him out again," Castiel interrupted. "You can see a pattern."

Dean scowled. "I don't care. Those dicks owe you."

"Maybe we can get a hold of Chuck," Sam put in. "Or something. But we're not just gonna let this go, you know. We would never leave you stranded on Earth like that. Or anywhere."

Castiel's chest tightened, and a spiky lump settled in his throat as Dean stepped forward to clap a hand on his shoulder.

"We're family, and that means no one gets left behind. In life or death."

Castiel gazed back at them, their eyes so full of earnest promise and unwavering resolve. He wanted to believe them, and the Winchesters sure had a way of turning Heaven and Hell upside down. But getting the angels to change their minds about him, after everything Castiel had done…well, stopping the Apocalypse had certainly been easier.

But he didn't argue the point further. Right now, they really needed to focus on escaping the djinn world.

"Perhaps we should find a high location to jump off of," he said, redirecting the conversation.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah, alright."

"Anyone else have a problem with us repeatedly killing ourselves?" Sam brought up.

"Nuh-uh, this is the last time," Dean said. "It doesn't work, then obviously we need to think of something else."

Castiel didn't want to consider that possibility, as he had no idea what that something else could be. He started to turn in search of an elevated location, but then the bushes to his left suddenly thrashed as a figure came leaping out of them. Castiel recognized the djinn's tattooed skin and blazing eyes, and went for his angel blade.

The djinn tackled Sam, who was standing closer, driving them both to the ground where he wrapped a glowing hand around the Winchester's throat. Castiel lurched forward as Dean shouted, but before either of them could do anything, Sam's eyes rolled back, and both the air and ground warped sideways, flinging them into darkness.