Back
There's a place that I can't get back to. Some dreamland or fantasy world where there was something wonderful. Happiness and love and comfort, things that were foreign to me but I learned them quickly. And I learned them from him.
Because he seemed to care and something about that was beautiful.
I can't really blame her. I would have done the same thing to her. Truth be told, I guess you could say I sort of did. Not to the same extent...well, maybe to the same extent. Situations like those are never fair, and fittingly so because they're not meant to be.
Thinking of what's fair and thinking of this I remember that the two don't go together. Not even a remote bit. There are visions of jealousy swirled between the lines of a paper bag romance that could have never lasted.
I'm not that stupid. I knew that much.
Or maybe that's the very thing that makes me so. This is the stuff movies are made of, the torture and the drama and betrayal and disbelief. Only I wasn't that surprised and I wasn't all that angry. Though I play the parts well. Someone once told me I'd make a fine actress. I never paid attention to that until recently.
It becomes a process, molding into a different person. We shared nothing but this infinite desire for each other. People say that's enough.
It isn't.
Because when the only thing left from the love story is the little pride you have, there has to be a missing interval. After the smoke from the blown out candlelight fades into the breeze of a fall evening, after the rose petals are dried, crumpled to a miserable death, and after a night full of memories people wake up to nothing but tangled, messed sheets, I have to wonder what part isn't there.
And I can't figure it out.
I'm not that smart.
Or maybe that's the very thing that makes me so. Maybe denial or confusion or whatever it is happens to be the best solution of all. Only I can't remember denying anything and slowly, comprehension begins to set in.
At the end of the day, he goes home to the person who matters.
Whereas I prefer the rose petals and the candlelight in full swing. The dreamland.
Because I find that it's the only way I can get back there.