YUGIOH
A Match Made in Heaven?
Narr: You're almost 'too' typical get together with Kaiba and Joey, combined with 'true love', the break-up and get back together, and some other various things thrown-in.
This is basically all the Kaiba/Joey cliche's I seen and read from many various fanfics through the years. Hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yugioh. Also, keep in mind there are 'many' fics that I have seen, and 'many' fics out there that tend to have very common plot points. So, if another author happens to see a joke scene that they find is similar to their own story, it does 'not' mean their story is the one I read and made an example of. I am not naming stories nor author names of anything I have read in the past (plus, many were so long ago, I wouldn't remember such things, anyway). The point of the story is basically to laugh and make light of the general cliche's out there. I am not doing this to point fingers or make fun of anyone.
Warning: yaoi, K/J, language, rape, incest, abuse, and enough idiocy to make your brain melt.
Note: This is only a 3 chapter story. It's not a one shot, but it's certainly not very long, either.
Chapter 1.
Kaiba had left work one night. It was infact the first night he left work in 2 months. Being the work-aholic that he was, he had worked constantly for that amount of time, without eating and sleeping. The man looked like a pale-looking walking skeleton. Infact, since a person can't go without eating that long, he literally 'was' a walking skeleton wearing a trench coat.
As the skeleton walked along down the street, he had abruptly stopped, hearing a noise. Of course, being a crowded city from Japan...one would normally hear all sorts of noises, even at night. But THIS noise was different! And he didn't know why it was different...it just was. So, the skeletal Kaiba went to investigate the special noise that stood out only for him.
Down a dark alley where no one goes was Joey Wheeler. He was dressed in fish-net stockings, a tight leather skirt and vest, and enough woman's make-up to kill a goat. Dressed in drag, he was trying to pick up whoever wanted him, to get money to pay for his Dad's drinking habit so he wouldn't beat him. Unfortunately, being Joey....he didn't realize the fact that he wasn't going to find too many customers in a dark abandoned alley.
'Oh, woah! My life is so terrible!' He thought as the tears came out, smudging his mascara. 'If only a handsome prince would sweep me off my feet and save me from this terrible life!'
Suddenly, a looming shadow fell over him...even though it was already dark, and Joey gasped in fear. It was his....FATHER!!
"No, no, don't hurt me!" Joey whined and whimpered, groveling in a corner like a total wimp, even though he was normally anything but a coward.
"Where's my money?!" The man slurred. "I need more beer, and you're supposed to pay for it!"
"Uh....I couldn't find anyone that wanted me!" Joey said, hoping his sympathy speech would be enough to calm his drunken father. "I humped a cat, but all I got paid for it was this fish bone!"
"That's not enough to buy me beer! Now, you'll PAY!!!" The father yelled, spitting in Joey's face as he did so.
Joey groveled and cried as the man slapped him around, and still not doing anything to defend himself. Then when the father got bored with that, he changed to punching him for while. He then pulled out his 2x4 and hit him with that multiple times. Then when that wasn't enough, he came out with his car and ran him over.
By this time, Joey was a small pile of mush on the floor, that looked like mashed potatoes mixed with fish net stockings. 'Oh, woah....my life is so bad! I suck!!'
Watching for a minute as Joey's tears came out like a small waterfall, dribbling down the mashed potatoe pile that was his body and creating a river of self-pity, the drunken father considered if he should beat him some more or not. Finally tossing the car away, he said, "What the hell....I might as well get a freebee from you, since I don't have any cash for a hooker, myself."
But before the father could do the unthinkable to him, there was a voice, saying, "Don't you dare touch him!!"
Both the father and the mashed potatoes turned to see Kaiba! Strangely enough, he looked perfectly normal (and alive) at the time, wearing what looked like some sort of princely outfit with a flowing cape....something that could be considered as a rip-off from a Snow White or Sleeping Beauty movie.
"It's Kaiba!" Joey thought dreamily.
Kaiba charged forward, beating the living shit out of the drunken father, and lifting the fat man up, as he stood in a 'hero' pose. He then tossed the man away in a nearby garbage can.
Kaiba then approached Joey, who looked up at him with stars in his eyes. Actually, Joey never looked more pitiful to Kaiba. He was dressed as a low-life transvestite prostitute with makeup smeared all over his face. He was also beaten-up and there wasn't one spot that didn't looked swollen. Joey was well-used from past incidences, and those nasty clothes were all shredded. And yet....Kaiba felt he never saw a more beautiful sight.
So, Kaiba began to re-shape the mashed potatoes back into a man, and said, "Let's go home."
"I don't have a home." Joey sniveled and cried. "And I don't wanna go back to my Dad cuz he'll abuse me more and try to rape me again! But if I leave, he'll stalk me and try to kill me!!"
"You....really got a serious family problem, don't you?" Kaiba muttered.
"Yes!" Joey cried. "My life is so terrible! Er....but don't tell anyone that. Because they don't know. Well, Tristan does cuz he's my best friend. But he doesn't do anything about it."
"Nice friend." Kaiba commented.
Joey waved his hands, saying, "That doesn't mean he's not a good friend! It just means he's not my handsome Prince to save me from this terrible life!"
"....yeah." Kaiba nodded, thinking maybe Joey's been watching 'way' too many soap opera stories.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
So, Kaiba brought Joey home with him. They walked in the door, as Kaiba casually asked, "How would you like to live with me here forever? I'll love you and protect you and make sure you're safe from all harm."
"Wow! You must be my handsome Prince that came to save me! You'll love me, even if I'm a used prostitute who's been beaten every day of my life?" Joey asked.
"....well...." Kaiba muttered, now thinking about it.
At that moment, a maid walked in with her hair sticking out strangely and a buggy-eyed look on her face. Next to her was Mokuba who came bounding in. "Seto, you finally made it back! And this time, it only took you 2 months to come home instead of 6! Something amazing must have happened to you! Are you in love? Are you in love with Joey? Are you in love with Joey and gay? I knew it all along, by the way! Infact, I even told his friends that you're in love with Joey....but they all ready knew that, too!"
"Uh...." Kaiba muttered, not exactly sure what to say to that.
Joey then turned to Mokuba and blurted, "Wait a minute! You're saying you haven't seen yer brother in 2 months? Aren't you like the Vice President?"
"Yeah, but I'm a 13 year old Vice President that for some reason needs a babysitter, out of the blue. So, we had the maid here watching over me while Seto was at work!" Mokuba said.
As he said so, the baby sitter's eye twitched and she pleaded, "Can I go home now....please???"
"No! You have to cook for Seto! He obviously hasn't eaten during the whole time he was at work, since he looks like the walking dead again! Seto, you said you wouldn't do that!" Mokuba chastised him.
The skeleton answered, "I wasn't hungry."
Joey looked towards him, seeing the skeletal form for the first time and leaped back in terror. "Yaaaahhh!!"
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
After food was placed before Kaiba and Joey, the maid quickly ran away, screaming, "Freedom!!!"
Joey ate ten servings of food, while Kaiba ate half a serving of salad. Joey looked over at Kaiba, after which. Kaiba was once again looking atleast alive and not a skeleton, anymore.
Joey then muttered, "You know, being that I now have feelings for you, I'm really concerned over the fact that you eat so little. Anyway....you gonna eat the rest of that? If not, can I have it??"
"Help yourself." Kaiba said, pushing the left-over salad over to him, then pulling out his laptop to type at the kitchen table.
"By the way, Joey....why are you all beat-up and dressed up like a female hooker?" Mokuba suddenly asked.
Joey turned deathly pale, as Kaiba said quickly, "Halloween party!"
"But it's April." Mokuba said.
They looked at each other, as Joey muttered, "I was....rehearsing for the party...??"
"Oh. Well, I think you'll win first prize, Joey! You look just like a used and abused tramp! It's like you really are one! Boy, you fooled me!" Mokuba said, as Joey could barely keep himself from bawling like a baby.
Mokuba then got up, saying, "Well, I'm going to leave you two love birds alone, now." And gave a stupid giggle as he skipped up to his room.
"Kaiba?" Joey asked. "How come you don't eat much? And how come you work all the time? And why did you make your 13 year old brother the Vice President, if you think he still needs a babysitter to watch over him instead of working for you?"
Kaiba ignored the last question, and answered, "Joey....you see, you're not the only one with problems. I too have a shady past."
"That can't be!!" Joey exclaimed in total shock, after he had somehow totally forgotten everything he learned about Kaiba from Noah's virtual world. "I mean....you have money! And money solves everything! Yeah, we knew you came from an orphanage, but you were adopted by a rich dad! You 'had' to be a spoiled rotten brat! I always thought you were, because you treated me so badly. But even though you did, I still loved you!!"
Kaiba looked serious, and replied, "Joey....I'm going to tell you the problems of my past. And it's not pretty."
He then closed up his laptop, and explained, "You see....I once had a language tutor that I was in love with. I was young, and naive, and didn't even know why I had these feelings for another guy. But one day, I was alone with him and he had been drinking. He cornered me and told me he was going to rape me against my will, even though I didn't want him to. Well, I did....but I didn't want to let him know that. But, just then....a few of his friends showed up. And they said they'd give him 10 bucks if he let them go first in raping me. And my tutor agreed. Well, I couldn't handle that. I mean....he could have atleast raped me first 'before' passing me to his friends. But, no! He let them go first! So, I found an oozie that happened to be laying on the floor, and I KILLED THEM ALL!!! Even the tutor!!"
A single tear then fell from one eye, as he sniffed, "And I never got over my first love for him. I still love him! I occasionally go to visit his grave, so I can dig him up and hump his dead body. I will never love anyone more than him....not even you!"
Joey blinked. "Uh....isn't that from Gravitation??"
Kaiba stopped and pulled out a script. "Oh, yeah....wrong background." He ripped it up and started over. "Yes....I was adopted into a rich household. But, my stepfather was mean and cruel."
"Isn't he supposed to be your adopted father?" Joey asked.
"Yes, but I call him stepfather anyway....just because." Kaiba answered. "So, anyway....in order to protect Mokuba, I had to let him take all his rage out on me. Like you, he used to beat me, starve me, never let me sleep. It's probably why I'm used to letting myself starve to death and die on occasion. And like you, he'd also make me get dressed up in tacky uniforms, then rape me and sell me to his security guards. Well....passing me to the security guards was actually kind of fun. But, still....in order to protect my brother, I had to do it all!"
Joey gasped. "That's terrible! We're exactly the same! I never knew you had it so bad!"
"Yes. It's why I picked on you all the time....because you reminded me of my past. But, now things have changed! Even though I have learned to not believe in pity and charity, I decided to help you anyway." Kaiba said.
Joey thought about that. "That's kinda hypocritical....aint it?"
"Yes. But for you, you deserve it because I love you....even though I don't believe in love, either." Kaiba said.
"Oooookay!" Joey nodded. "By the way, didn't we know each other and used to be best of friends as kids back when you used to be in the orphanage, even though I was never an orphan?"
"No." Kaiba answered. "And neither of use are bi-polar either, nor do I have any deadly diseases that are killing me."
As Kaiba said that, his arm fell off. Kaiba looked down at it, and non-challantly brushed it under a piece of furniture, muttering, "Don't mind that....just a flesh wound."
"Anyway...." Kaiba continued on, like normal. "Unlike you, I didn't wallow in self-pity. I actually did something about it. So, when my stepfather was standing near a window one day, I sprang out and said, 'Boo!', and scared him out the window! No....maybe I just won the company, making him jump out the window. No, wait a minute....I picked up that oozie laying on the ground and shot him multiple times...."
20 minutes later....
"....no, I remember! I hired a wrecking crew! One of those giant balls smashed right into him, while he was standing at the window!!" Kaiba exclaimed.
"Well, the point is you found some way to get rid of yer step-er....adopted dad, right??" Joey asked, desperately trying to get him to shut up on the same topic.
"Exactly!" Kaiba said. "By the way, do you need me to kill your Dad? To show my love and to help protect you, I'll take him out. Of course, you'll have to pay me for it. How much do you charge per hour?"
"No! I love my Dad!" Joey stated. "Even if he beats me and abuses me, runs me over with his car, rapes me, and sells me for gambling and beer....I still love the guy!! He's my Daddy!!"
Kaiba looked at him, unable to understand Joey's logic in the least. 'I have a feeling this might become a possible snag in our relationship.'
Narr: This fic is infact a dedication story to Growing Pain, in which I was actually inspired to write this after some of our conversations together. I hope you like, and thanks for idea.