Chapter one

Life is made up of questions, so many questions but he had just asked the worse one. "What happens now?"

They had travelled back in silence. First to the hotel then the plane, until finally sat in her mother's posh kitchen he had asked the question. She did not know how to answer so she kept her silence, and stared down at her hands. She could feel his pleading gaze, knew exactly how it would look. She would not meet his eyes.

"Rose please!" he reached out to clasp her hands, she whipped them beneath the table. "Please, tell me what I am supposed to do" the words came out as a strangled sob. Unable to bear the double burden of guilt and pain she stood and turned to go.

"I just need time..."

There was a crash as he smashed his fist down on to the table top. "Well that's alright then, because we have loads of TIME! I've got let's see what 70 years at least!" Rose forced herself to turn back and look at him. He didn't even look like the Doctor any more, dressed in jeans and a grey t-shirt with several days of stubble darkening his chin. It was the look in his eyes that tore her soul in two, he looked lost, utterly bereft and she had no idea how to heal him. She was not even sure she wanted to.

"Just time to think, that's all"

"Good well you think then" he stood abruptly, "we have all the time in the universe" he roared and swept the untouched dishes on to the floor. "Except I don't anymore, I used to. But he took it. He took it and he left me here to die!" he collapsed back in to the chair and regarded the mess he had made. Gingerly she approached him and laid what she hoped was a calming hand on his shoulder. He reached up and touched her fingers "I'm sorry…"

"I know" was all she could manage to say. Did he even realise that she was suffering too, he was not the only one who had been left behind. Proof that the Doctor really did not understand human emotions. What did he expect? That she and this new born 'whatever' would live happily ever after. Yes, she had to admit that is exactly what he probably thought. She felt cheated as if she had come second, her 'consolation prize' leaned his head back against her and sighed.

"What the HELL, has been going on in here!" the sound of that voice elicited another sigh from the doppelganger. Rose groaned inwardly plastering her face with a wide smile she faced her mother.

"Just an accident Jackie, I tripped over the chair" he beat her to the lie. Jackie looked unconvinced, Rose could tell by the way her mother pursed her lips that she was preparing some kind of rant.

"It's ok Mum, honestly just an accident that's all I swear…" serendipity came to Rose's rescue her little brother Tony started to bawl upstairs.

"I will be right back…this is not finished you two" she stabbed her finger at them for emphasis, "and tidy that up."

"We better do as she says, this was her favourite china. She's going to do her nut." Rose opened a cupboard. "Here's the dust pan, get on with it"

"I suppose so." He knelt down and began sweeping the broken pieces up "one minute Lord of Time, the next kitchen skivvy, how the mighty fall" he looked up at her then and grinned. It was a pure Doctor grin her rebellious heart lurched a little, she could not help but smile back. He got up slowly taking her hand in his and kissed her. She pushed him away.

"Not yet, just not yet. I don't even know what I should call you" he hadn't stepped back or relinquished her hand the look in his eyes was desolate.

"Can't you just call me Doctor…please… you are Rose Tyler and I am the Doctor, what's really changed?" this time she pulled away shaking her head.

"Everything, everything is different. You're a stranger, you look exactly like him and yet you're not. I don't know you." that hurt him she could see him shrink at her words.

"I love you Rose, I need you more than he ever will. I KNOW you"

"No you don't, you just think you do. Just go, please just go" he looked at her in total disbelief.

"Okay, I will. I'll go" he stalked out, pushing past the returning Jackie in the hallway. Rose heard him grab a coat and the front door as he slammed it shut. Jackie walked back into the kitchen she looked at her daughters tear stained face.

"What's happened now?"

He walked, he did as he was told and went. No idea where he was headed, not even caring. Memories crowded his mind, but they were not his, he had nothing. It hurt. Why did it hurt so damned much. He had lost people before and it never hurt this badly. He felt as if his hearts, heart he corrected himself, was being pulled from his chest. Maybe it was his humanness the part of him that was Donna. He needed her now, his best friend she would slap some sense in to him or in to Rose. The thought made him grin, "Rose Tyler" she would say "you are being a total numpty". But Donna was gone part of the life he had 'lost'.

Jacky and Pete's large house was set in the wilds of the British countryside, and now he was coming to the end of the long drive. He paused briefly to glance over his shoulder, no one was following. He was not sure how he felt about that, disappointed but relived too. This intensity of feeling was something new he needed to think, another scene like the last one would not be conducive.

The sun was starting to set, the short summer night starting to creep in from the east. He made a decision. Across the main road at the end of the drive was a stile. A green sign indicated a footpath, briskly he crossed the road and climbed over in to the cool greenness of the wood. It was pitch black under the trees, after he had tripped over twice, grazing his knees and bruising his elbow. It occurred to him that a walk in the woods at night was probably not the most brilliant idea he had ever had. He also realised that he had no idea where he was in relation to the house.

'Lost' he breathed the word softly as if in these safe English woods a raised voice could attract a ravenous bear! His heart was hammering in his chest, the darkness was suffocating. Some ancient primate gibbered from the human part of his DNA, sending adrenaline surging through his system. A corner of him that was pure Gallifrey sneered at his monkey like weakness. He ran not caring in what direction, branches and brambles catching at his clothes.

He came back to himself face down in wet grass the sun had already risen. His head hurt, some sticky substance had adhered to his cheek. He touched it-blood, there was a painful lump on his forehead too. Unsteadily he gained his feet. He was on the bank of a river, not a friendly tinkling one, leaping over rocks with crystal waters and pebbles. This river was broad, brown and very fast. He stared at it another few feet and he would have drowned. The thought made him drop to his knees again.

The river called him. Rose was right, he wasn't the Doctor. He was an anomaly, nothing more than an unintended consequence. He had no right to expect her to love him, if he even did what if that too was an echo of the other one? How could he lay claim to anything he remembered? He didn't even know what to call himself. He took a step forward, it would be easy and perhaps better for everyone if he ended this stupid half a life now.

"Last thing I expected of you" Pete Tyler stood a few feet away. He was dressed in what Jackie probably thought was 'country attire', heavy on the tweed with a flat cap and wellingtons.

"Go away, Pete"

"Well that's gratitude, I've been out all night looking for you. The girls are frantic." He strode over and pulled him to his feet roughly. "You look bloody terrible."

"Frantic are they even Jackie? "He leaned against Pete's solid bulk. The river still whispered to him, but he could not do 'it' in front of Pete, that would be plain cruel.

"Well to be fair I wouldn't describe Jacks as frantic, flipping furious maybe!" they both grinned at that. "Rose, however…"there was an undercurrent of anger in Pete's voice.

"I didn't mean to upset her…no I did. I'm sorry Pete, I just don't know who I am." The anger glinting in his friends eyes had softened somewhat. But Pete was too much of a typical London bloke to talk about emotions to another man.

"Well you can apologise when we get home, and we won't mention the river. The girls don't need to know about that."

"I am not sure, I can go back." The bleakness was returning.

Pete had started to walk away, but those words made him spin round and grab the doppelganger's arm. "Now you listen to me sunshine! You hurt my Rose and by that I know you are not the Doctor. However you are going to come home and say sorry. After that we will have a little talk about what you want to do. I will not leave you here to do something stupid and leave her thinking it's her fault. Understood?"

What choice did he have? "Ok Pete, I am so sorry"

"Right, I will text Jackie and tell her we are on our way back"

Chapter One

Jackie was sat at the kitchen table, trying in vain to glue a Wedgewood teapot together. She glared at him when he and Pete walked in. "Shoes off, I don't want mud everywhere" she snapped and returned her attention to the stricken china, carefully she let go of the freshly glued on spout-which immediately crashed back on to the table. Hands in pockets he approached nonchalantly.

"I will buy you a new one" he tried. Wrong choice. She turned the full force of the Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Tyler glare on him.

She enunciated every word forcefully a sure sign that she was about to 'do her nut' "it was a wedding present, from the president of France. It's an antique and since you no longer have a time machine exactly how are you going to replace it!" she roared the last few words, he stepped back. Jackie resumed her task, Pete had very wisely disappeared.

"Sooo, where's Rose?"

"In the bath. I suggest you do the same you stink. Did you fall in a cowpat?"

"No I don't think so" there was an awkward silence, punctuated by the spout falling off again.

"Well don't just stand there you idiot and get washed. I put clean clothes out on your bed."

Despite himself he grinned "Thanks Jackie"

"Off with you, shower now."

The shower helped, more than he would have believed. His human body seemed to relish it, he stayed in the scorching water until his hands were wrinkled- another new sensation. The water had eased his headache and the various cuts and grazes had been washed clean, he wiped the steam from the mirror and looked at himself.

It was the first time he had really examined his face, he had been avoiding reflections. There was probably some psychology at work there he thought, but shied away from examining it too closely. Instead he focussed on his reflection. It was his face and yet it seemed different. The massive purple bruise spreading around the cut above his eyebrow probably didn't help. His eyes he decided, they had changed. Oh they were still overly large in his thin face and still dark. It was the expression he looked uncertain and lost. He rubbed a hand through the stubble on his chin, stubble was probably the wrong word-beard was more appropriate. "So who are you?" he asked his reflection. He needed a name. A name would help him build a new identity and anchor him to this new life and help him disassociate from what went before.

There was only one choice really. Decision made he tucked a towel round his hips and nearly walked into Rose as she walked out of her bedroom. She was wearing a fluffy pink dressing gown, which she tugged more firmly about herself tightening the knot almost violently. Not the situation he had in mind for their first encounter after the debacle in the kitchen. "You hurt yourself" she reached up and brushed his fringe away from the cut, then whipped her hand away self-consciously.

"Its fine, looks worse than it is. Are you alright?"

"Are you?" she laid her hand on his bare chest over his single heart. Her eyes were red, he hated to see his own pain reflected there. He dropped his gaze, resisting the urge to pull her against him. He contented himself with covering her hand with his.

"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you" he wanted to say more but his throat closed choking off the words. Her arms snaked round him causing goose-bumps to appear on his skin, her fingers stroked the back of his neck.

"He left us both" she whispered in his ear, her breath chilling his skin. She held him for a second more then let go, her glance held him as she slipped back into her room. He stood very still aware he was breathing deeply and quite fast. He was sure he had not misunderstood, but why? A few hours ago she had screamed at him to leave. What did she want? Comfort? As he stood there confused her bedroom door opened again. She cocked her head on one side. "Are you coming or not?"

A large part of his brain was screaming that this was probably a bad idea, but it was drowned out by the majority. He took her by the arms and kissed her. He paused "just one thing"

"What?"

"My name, I thought about it a lot"

"Ok and what have you decided" She mouthed his neck, her tongue tracing a line from his Adam's apple to his mouth, a thump heralded the towel hitting the floor.

"John" he gasped. He tugged at the knot on the dressing gown and succeeded only in tightening it further. He settled for pushing it off her shoulders and down over the swell of her hips. She kicked the dressing gown to one side and wrapped her arms around him.

"It will do for now" she whispered before kissing him. If she hadn't of spoken it would probably would have turned out differently. At least that was what he told himself later, but something in her tone made him turn cold. He pushed her embrace away.

"What's my name Rose?"

"You just told me it!"

"Will you say it please?" He stroked her face, her expression told him everything he needed to know. "Oh Rose Tyler, this is not going to work is it?" She shook her head trying to scrub away her tears with the back of her hand.

"I am sorry, but you're not him and I wish you were, don't hate me." She walked over to her bed sat down and pulled the duvet around herself. It occurred to John he was naked, he hastily retrieved his towel and sat down beside her.

"How could I hate you?"

"Well I would understand if you did." She sniffed and tucked her hair back behind her ears, one of those gestures he loved. Gingerly he reached out and took her hand, turned it over and traced the lines of her palm with his finger.

"I think I should go away, for a while at least." He half hoped she would protest, but all she did was take a longer shuddering breath. "You were right we need time to figure things out. The Doctor clearly did not think this through…how like me." She laughed at that and smiled a little.

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know, your Dad said he would find me something at Torchwood."

"I can't imagine you with a job." She leaned against his shoulder.

"I had a job before, it was a while ago though."

"Bet you will be fantastic." She smiled that wide gorgeous smile, that made her eyes light up and shivers run down his spine. He stood up abruptly.

"I should go talk to Pete, see you later." It would be fair to say that he ran back to his room.

Rose watched him go, running as always. But she was sure this was the first time he had run from her. She was not certain what she had hoped to achieve by seducing him, suddenly she was not proud of herself. What was she some silly little kid? He was brand new, totally confused and she had made it worse. She sighed and thumped her pillow. She tried hard not to think about kissing him-it was over. Her anger had disappeared when he had stayed out all night, until her dad had found him she had convinced herself that he had done something stupid. The certainty had been a cold hard stone in her stomach, just thinking about it made her want to retch again.

He was not her Doctor though. His naming of himself had shown that "John" she whispered.

There is a monotony to train travel not matched by anything else in the universe. Even in New, New York where the grass smells of apples, the train is still the most boring form of transport. The sandwiches however are much better on the Bristol to Cardiff line. So mused the man now known to a select few as 'John Smith'. He watched the countryside slip past. The days ran together now, he had not been prepared for that having to wait; that was new. He found if he thought about it too much his breath came to fast and his heart constricted in his chest. He was a prisoner of time, where once he had been its Lord.

He listened to the thump of the train for a while. The carriage he was in was mostly empty and his fellow passengers mercifully quiet. He was jolted awake by someone shaking his shoulder, somebody Scottish. "What?!" he rubbed his eyes a tall attractive woman was staring at him balefully-she was it has to be said extremely ginger.

"I said shift over there are no seats" Annoyed and Scottish worst combination ever. He stood up, shoved his overstuffed rucksack in the luggage rack and realised the carriage was now full.

"What station is this?"

"Gloucester"

"The Bristol to Cardiff does not go through Gloucester."

"Oh wonderful a Train spotter!" She exclaimed. Then appeared to take pity at his befuddled look. "There's been some kind of accident in the Severn tunnel, everything's been diverted. Suppose we should be grateful we are not all jammed onto a bus." She sat down, smoothing her skirt over her legs fastidiously. Then John realised that he had been staring –at her legs. "Get a good eyeful did you?"

"No, yes. I mean sorry!" he gasped feeling the blood rush to his cheeks. He tried smiling, she just rolled her eyes. The train stated to pull out of the station. The ginger girl cursed as a loud humming noise began to issue from her handbag, she riffled through it cursing. Eventually she pulled out her phone.

"Damned earpieces were easier" she muttered "hello, oh it's you. Yes I am on the train now be home in half an hour, make sure you are there to pick me up. What? Yes I got a seat" John felt her eyes on him and tried to pretend the view out the window was fascinating "yes I have a seat, next to a train-spotter and possible pervert. What?" There was a tiny uncomfortable pause "ok I'll say it, I love you too you idiot". She sighed and shoved the phone back in her bag. For a moment John thought that she would ignore him now-he was wrong.

"That was my fiancé, we're getting married next week"

"Lucky guy" It came out a lot more sarcastic than he meant it too.

"Hey, was that sarcasm. Were you being sarcastic at me?" She seemed to be building up to a righteous rant, but she stopped suddenly narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. "Do I know you? You seem familiar."

"I don't think so" even as he said it john felt a creeping sensation, what was the old saying? Ah yes 'the hairs on the back of his neck standing up' so that was what that felt like.

"I'm Amy, who are you?"

"John Smith."

"Really, John Smith" She stifled a derisive giggle. "Are you on the run or something, that's the worst name ever!"

"And Amelia Pond is so much better" Where had that come from? He shook his head to clear the sudden fog from his mind. The girl's eyes had gone wide in shock or fear, he was not sure which. Wrong again. It was anger.

"Who the hell are you!" Amy stood up, some of the other passengers were beginning to look in their direction.

"We met in that bar in Carlisle, Susan's party" he had no idea why he said Carlisle, but it seemed to work. "I only just remembered" he added lamely.

"Oh right" Amy sat back down "must have forgotten, kind of blanked out that weekend, it was Carlisle" She said it as if it explained everything.

"Not a fan of Carlisle then"

"NO." That stopped conversation for a while. Amy for her part kept sighing and huffing and checking her phone.

"So why are you going to Cardiff" She asked eventually. "It's a long way from Carlisle"

"New job" That at least was the truth. The train began to slow coming into another station. "Is this your station?" a sign with the word 'Ledworth' drifted past the window.

"Yes, how did you know?"

"I remembered from Carlisle" he countered, they shared a look. She knew he was lying. She got up slowly.

"I have to go, good luck John Smith"

"You too Amelia Pond" he handed her the hand bag, then thought for a moment. "If you need, help or anything" he fished one of Pete's cards out of his jeans pocket. She took it awkwardly and walked away. He dropped back in to his seat and looked out the window. The ginger haired Amy was embracing a sandy haired man on the platform. Her fiancé he assumed, pushing down a surge of resentment. He wondered who Amy was, why she evinced such a reaction from him. He grinned a mystery he liked those.

But it was a mystery that would have to wait a while, possibly indefinitely. Cardiff was about half an hour away and his new boss. He snagged his rucksack down and pulled out the paperwork Pete had given him. He flipped through it again, reading carefully. No he had not misread it, he grinned for a second time. Despite the gloom, hopelessness and disappointments life was beginning to look interesting.

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