A/N: This is something I wrote a few years back for an OC contest on a different site, and I recently found it again in my drafts so I decided to post it. I always wanted to write a fic to go along with it, but for right now it's a stand alone piece. Hope you enjoy it!
Steve was walking slowly around Sonja's living room, hands in his pockets and taking in the decor around the room. He could see the bouquet of flowers he'd brought her sitting in a vase on her kitchen counter, and hear the clicks of her heels as she hurried around her bedroom as she got ready. He'd only been to the apartment once before, and that had only been for a few moments to pick her up to go on a morning run. It struck him as a little odd that she didn't have many photos around...or that much of anything for that matter. The small apartment seemed to be riding a thin line between looking minimal and nearly abandoned. But he decided to simply brush that aside.
"Steven?" Sonja called from her room. "Could you come here for a second?" Steven cleared his throat, his ears growing a little hot, and walked into her bedroom. She was standing in front of a floor length mirror, holding her dark hair up on top of her head. Steve noticed she'd changed out of the dark red dress she'd been in when she answered the door and into a black one. He could practically feel his cheeks grew red when he saw it was unzipped. "Could you zip me up please?" he frowned at her proud smile, moving towards her to zip up her dress. "Thanks! That other dress...I don't know, just wasn't crazy about it. I'm almost done, I promise."
He shook his head. "Take your time. I can get reservations at this place any time." he teased. Sonja rolled her eyes and smiled at him. She knew if he asked, Tony would get them reservations anywhere they wanted. She ducked into her bathroom, and Steve could hear things clattering around and Sonja muttering to herself.
He took the time to quickly study her room, tucking away the small pang of guilt he felt for snooping. Her bedroom had a bit more life to it than the rest of the apartment. Steve thought that was fitting, she often kept things close to her chest and didn't share much with him voluntarily.
His hands slid back into his pockets, his left hand wrapping around a small, black velvet box. He had been unsure that this was a good idea. His head and his heart were butting heads. The pair had only known each other for about six months after all. But before he really knew it he had purchased a ring and was showing it off to his teammates, asking for some much needed advice.
Tony had mostly teased him. It was a lot of "Who in their right mind would ever get married?" and "Are you sure she's really into older men?" but eventually Tony settled down and offered to get Steve reservations at a restaurant that would be a good start to the night Steve had planned. Sam, Clint and Wanda were of course happy for him. Wanda had chimed in with a "With a ring like that how could she say no?" while Sam and Clint wished him good luck and said congrats. Natasha however was a different story. On the outside she looked happy for him. She had said she was glad Steve was finally happy. But something about the way she looked at him, with a small smirk before saying "Maybe now we can finally meet her." didn't sit well with him.
He brushed off the feeling yet again, turning towards the bathroom to ask Sonja if she was nearly ready yet. But as he opened his mouth to ask, he could hear her muttering to herself, and this time Steve was on alert. It was quiet, but his hearing was better than the average person's. A slew of swears came from the bathroom, all muttered in Russian. That was something he hadn't known about his soon to be fiance. But then, he supposed this wasn't that big of a deal… was it? He was just being overly paranoid. Maybe his nerves were trying to find an excuse for him to leave and forget the proposal. That had to be it. "...Everything okay in there?" he called.
"Hmm? Yeah, yeah! I just can't find my damn lipstick. I'm sorry, I swear I'm almost finished. Just give me two minutes!" Steve chuckled and shook his head. He decided to look at a few of the pictures Sonja had sitting on a dresser in order to pass the time. Most of the pictures were of different subjects, probably taken on vacations. This was another thing he didn't know about her, she seemed pretty interested in photography. He scanned each photo quickly, each one in black and white, each of a different landmark or landscape. His eyes stopped once he got to the photos in the center.
The largest photo sat in middle of the others; a photo of Sonja sitting at the counter of a diner, smiling widely next to a girl he didn't recognize. Steve smiled a little at the photo. Then he noticed a few details he'd missed. Her hair was curled and pinned back, not that strange as he'd seen her wear her hair in the same style a few times. She was wearing a dark, a-line dress and stockings and a pair of saddle shoes. That had been how girls dressed back before he'd been frozen. Strange maybe, but not alarming he supposed. He'd noticed younger people these days would mimic looks from a few decades ago for fun.
But the most damning piece of evidence in the photo sat behind Sonja. On the wall behind the counter was a large poster that read "I want you to buy war bonds now." and next to the large print was a photo of Steve, pointing to the camera in the suit he'd first worn after he'd been named Captain America. Steve swallowed loudly. There had to be some sort of explanation.
Before Steve could even begin to think of a reason behind the photo, his eyes moved to the next. He could almost hear his heart pounding in his ears. He covered his mouth with his hand, wiping the sweat that had built on his upper lip. It was a group photo. And if Steve hadn't known better he would've assumed it was some sort of class photo. Twenty or so girls were lined up side by side, if he had to guess, each probably either 19 or 20, all wearing identical gym clothes. Steve's eyes immediately picked Sonja out from the crowd. She was standing at the end of the line, smiling unlike the other girls but biting down on her lip as if to try and hide the mischievous grin he'd come to know so well.
Sonja had her hand wrapped around the wrist of the man that was standing next to her. The action seemed harmless and intimate all at once. The man's hand was sitting on the small of her back, a look similar to Sonja's on his face yet somehow more easily masked. It was a look that Steve was very familiar with. He was looking down at a photo of his girlfriend in a secret yet intimate embrace with a man who up until a few years ago, he thought was dead. Bucky Barnes.
"I found it! It was already in my clutch...I'm all over the place tonight, I don't know wha-..." Sonja stepped out into her bedroom, stopping in her tracks when she noticed Steve standing in front of the collection of photos. The pair stood unmoving, staring at each other in wait to see who would make the next move. How could Steve have missed something like this? She had been so secretive, and he'd brushed it aside because he had feelings for her. This was sloppy. This was the kind of mistake Steve couldn't afford to make. He picked up the photo of Sonja and Bucky, holding it up for her to see. She looked panicked. "What is this?"
Sonja held her hands up, almost as if she were waiting for Steve to attack her. "Steven…"
"What is this?" he asked again.
Her hands dropped to her sides in defeat, a loud sigh escaping her. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"Then let's start with this: how old are you?"
"...A few years younger than you." Steve felt sick.
"How do you know Bucky?" this wasn't how he'd imagined this night going. Right now they should be at dinner. Steve should be struggling to make conversation with her while he tried to come up with the perfect way to word his proposal without his nerves getting in the way.
"It's a long story," she began. The look Steve gave her made her decide to cut to the chase. "He trained me. In the Red Room. I was one of the girls who…" she sighed again. "I didn't know he was Bucky. Not at the beginning. By the time you told me about him and I put the pieces together I was too scared to tell you. I didn't think you'd forgive me for lying about something like this.
Realization hit Steve. This was why Natasha had acted so strangely. She knew. He looked down at the photo again, this time recognizing her on the opposite end. "You know Natasha." it wasn't a question. This filled in a few gap for him. He'd wanted her to meet his friends. He'd asked her a few times to the tower, but she'd always had an excuse. Steve hadn't noticed at the time. He doubted if Natasha and Sonja were in the same room anyone would have known they had a past, they were both good at keeping secrets. But surely one of them would have slipped eventually and it would have led Steve to the truth. "How long were you going to keep this from me?" he asked, pulling the small box from his pocket. "If we had made it to dinner, and I had given you this, would you have told me then?"
Sonja looked almost as if she'd stopped breathing. "...I've never told anyone about this. This isn't my life anymore. Those photos are just...I don't know, so I don't forget the things that were important to me before. I was turned into a monster, Steven. I've been trying to forget what I was like when I didn't have control over myself. You might work with Natasha, but I'm sure she hasn't told you everything about herself. I didn't want to take the chance that you'd feel differently about me if you knew the truth."
Maybe she was right. Maybe he would have felt differently about her. Maybe he would see her as nothing but the thing he fought to protect the world from. He had been worried he'd feel that way towards Bucky after finding out he was alive. But no matter what horrible things either of them had done, Steve knew neither of them were in control of themselves. "You should have told me."
"Told you what? Natasha and Yelena may have been better than me, at most things, but I was the most loyal. When Hydra came looking for recruits to make more Winter Soldiers I was the first choice. I wish I had been smart enough to get out like they did. But I had to be a good little soldier and do what I was told,"
"You've seen what James is now. That's all there is for us. Either we let them force us to kill over and over, or we run for the rest of our lives with the memories of the things we've done. After you told me about what happened in Washington I thought maybe I could try and find him. And maybe then I could tell you. But you know James. If he doesn't want to be found then he won't be."
Steve didn't say anything. His best friend and would be fiance had a past. And what seemed like an intimate one. Suddenly he didn't know who this person was that was standing in front of him. He set the photo down on the dresser, along with the small box. "I think we should call it a night." he regretted saying the words immediately.
"Steven…"
He didn't respond. He walked past her, out into the living room and out the door without looking back at her. Once the door was shut behind him, he exhaled loudly. How many times was he going to have to watch the people he cared about slip right through his fingers?