Title: Burn
Author: Emily
Rating: PG 13
Summary: "The fact of the matter is that she has no place"
Spoilers/Timeline: Post Chosen
Take the world upon your shoulders
and burn burn burn
Buffy wanted to be a champion. And, God, didn't that sound retarded? But she wanted to be the definition of a champion that could put on some God ugly necklace and burn burn burn because she was burning to begin with. She's been back for two years and it hasn't been the same. Of course it hasn't been the same. It is not life as she knew it and while Hell might be an exaggeration considering one of her vampire ex's has been there and the other is possibly there right now, it is nowhere near Heaven. She can barely remember Heaven these days. She tries and she almost feels it but then it's gone like it was never there to begin with (and maybe it wasn't). Perhaps she dreamed it all and Buffy rarely dreams these days. Mostly, she hates.
She hates Angel for not wanting to risk her and she hates Spike for acting all noble and wearing the amulet that could have been her ticket out of here. She's died once, twice and it's third time lucky, right? Of course Buffy has never been lucky. Her calling doesn't make her lucky, her calling is merely bullshit that she (out of all the girls in all the world) was chosen to deal with. And her life? Her mother is dead, her father might as well be and her sister is just as screwed up as she is. Then there are the men she has rejected or been rejected by. She supposes it doesn't matter which way round it is because in the end it means the exact same thing; she is alone. She alone, said the prophecy and Buffy sees that now. It may be her fault because God knows she has her issues (and wouldn't you?) but who is to blame does not change the simple fact of it.
Call her cynical but she doesn't think that all these girls with all this power means she is free. She thinks she will never be free (except in death and she was, oh she was but no more) and neither will they, and they don't know and she isn't going to spoil their sweet illusions for all the world. They'll figure it out in the same way she did and she winces as she remembers long gone illusions shattering. Buffy is not bitter about not being special anymore because she never wanted to be special - and she always thought the most special thing would be to be ordinary anyway. She can't be ordinary after though. Perhaps before but not after, never after all of this. She wishes it was before and that she was before (and she can never be the way she was before).
The fact of the matter is that she has no place. Standing on the mouth of Hell with a sword (or an axe or bare bloody hands or does it really matter?) was her place but now the mouth of hell has retreated back down to the dark belly it came from. She walks in the sunlight and she wants to be back in the darkness because it's the only place she knows how to be. Death is her gift and she thinks they didn't mean it this way but yes, death would be a gift. She has people around her, people who love her but they all seem to fade away. They have each other and she has touched the darkness in ways they have not (and maybe she does think she is superior but fuck that, all she knows is that she is somehow different and surely that cannot be argued with).
The ones who came close are gone. Angel has his own life (like he always wanted her to have and would he approve of this life she has now? She doubts it was quite what he intended) and a little part of her has never quite moved on (her fault or his?) but she can't blame him for everything after. Spike is gone and she is partially glad because it means she does not have to confront him and whatever it is they share (And she is supposed to be a hero). She kinda hates him too because she wishes it was her in his place. A part of him wanted to burn and a part of her wants to burn and maybe that is what they shared. If she wasn't so goddamn tired she would consider making her own place in the world, flying out into the great unknown and finding somebody new. But Buffy is way too tired and way too angry and so -
And so Buffy gets out of bed and drives. She drives away from Willow and Xander and Dawn (anything you say will sound like goodbye and Buffy whispers goodbye to her sleeping sister anyway because she might as well be honest) and Giles and Faith and the other people who flit in and out of her mind because they will all be alright without her. The world is alright without her, she realises. She drives and drives, remembering that running away never did anyone any good but does she care? No. She does not care about good and evil and being a champion or a hero - or maybe heroine is the politically correct term these days (and she doubts she is any of these things). She is done with it and she will be long gone before they realise it. Buffy Summers drives, her long golden hair tangled and in her eyes until she reaches the desert and she thinks maybe she will burn there.