Author's Note: It is obvious from the way Amanda and Dotty discuss the dates with Dr. Bain the chiropodist in the broadcast episodes that the episode "The ACM Kid" came before "If Thoughts Could Kill" so I am using that timeline here. Also, for this set of stories, I'm not doing every episode but just the ones that are extra funny because of the premise of this AU, but I will still make reference to events that happen in the untouched episodes.

That said, if you haven't read the previous stories, "Whine After Whiskey" or its sequel "In Vino Veritas", this story will make a lot more sense if you start there. If you can't be bothered, the only thing you need to know is that Lee and Amanda got accidentally married while drunk a few months ago, decided to keep it secret and… go.

Lee rolled the wheelchair back and forth across the hospital room, glanced at his watch, and then began rolling again.

"You are the only person I know who can pace sitting down," sighed Billy. "Lee, what's eating you?"

Lee glared at him. He certainly couldn't tell Billy that he need to call his wife – the wife Billy didn't know he had - and tell her he was stuck in the hospital, but he also couldn't think of a plausible reason to get Billy out of the room so that he could call her without him listening in. It had been hours since he'd tackled Walt and ended up in here and he had no doubt that if anyone from the Agency got to her first, they'd leave her convinced he was half-dead. The only blessing at the moment was that this was one of her volunteer days and she hadn't been at the Agency this morning to witness him doing something as dumb as tackling a crazed gunman. So, now all he needed was to just get out of here and get to her first…

"What's eating me? What are those tests gonna prove, huh? Billy, I do lousy on tests, I clutch!" Lee burst out. "This is ridiculous! Just give me a pair of crutches and let me go home! I'll be fine!"

"You know perfectly well Alec Belmont would have both our heads if I even suggested such a thing," Billy reprimanded him. "It's only three days, Lee. Three days in bed with no paperwork, no worries…"

"No decent wines, no nightclubs," offered up Lee. "No women," he added, knowing Billy would expect it and it would seem convincing.

"Now, now, Scarecrow, that Nurse Chapman seems lovely," grinned Billy.

"She's a bruiser, Billy! And she doesn't like me! I mean, who doesn't like me?"

"Oh yes, you're perfectly lovable when you're like this," Billy replied with an eye roll.

"Look, we can make this work," wheedled Lee. "I'll promise faithfully to show up every single day for whatever stupid test Ted Glaser wants me to take if you'll just let me out of Nurse Ratched's clutches. I mean, why do I need to stay in here? It's just running up Agency bills for a hospital stay, right? That's gotta eat into your budget, Billy, and I know how you're always worried about the budget."

"Well, the good news for me is that this doesn't come out of my budget and the bad news for you is that you just gave me the three reasons you can't be trusted, Scarecrow," replied Billy in a severe tone. He lifted his hand and ticked them off on his fingers. "Wine, women, song. I would no more trust you to stay home and off that knee than I'd trust Francine to turn down a date with Prince Andrew."

Lee gave off a primal yelp of frustration and Billy stood up from where he'd been half-sitting on the hospital bed.

"I can see there's no reasoning with you, Lee, but I'll tell you what: I will go talk to your doctors and see if they can at least speed up the process so you don't have to be here as long."

"Gee, thanks," groused Lee.

Billy stopped in the doorway. "I could just go and not come back at all, Scarecrow. You might want to consider staying on my good side." He gave a bark of deep laughter at the look of disgust on Lee's face and disappeared out the door.

Lee had backed up the wheelchair and grabbed the phone within a heartbeat of him leaving, dialling Amanda's house with a silent prayer that he could keep her from finding out about this from anyone else. His mother-in-law's cheerful voice greeted him on the second ring and he made an effort to sound as chipper as she did.

"Hey Dotty, it's Lee, is Amanda there?"

"Oh hello, Lee Darling. No, she's not – it's her Bluebell day today and she won't be home until at least 4 o'clock. Are you coming for dinner? We're having pot roast so there's plenty. Fred Bain is coming and I think it would be good for him to see you and Amanda all lovey-dovey. Might move him along a little if you know what I mean."

Lee's stomach growled. He hadn't eaten breakfast as usual, and then, what with the whole Walt thing, he'd never had a chance to eat anything else. Despite his current state of distraction, his mouth actually watered at the thought of how good that pot roast was going to be.

"No, I'm afraid not, Dotty. I'm… well, I'm not going to be over for a few days – it's a long story…"

"Oh dear, are you being sent out of town on one of those, what do you call them? Location shoots?"

"Something like that," he answered. "Maybe you can put some aside for me? For when I get back?"

"Well, it is better after a few days," said Dotty. "But I doubt it will last that long with Phillip in the house. Honest to goodness, some days, I swear that boy has hollow legs!"

"I was the same at that age," answered Lee. "Look, could you tell Amanda-"

"Tell Amanda what?" said a voice in the doorway.

Lee slowly turned his head and grimaced. Amanda was standing there like an avenging angel, arms crossed and while he couldn't see her feet from this angle, he'd bet his last dollar that she was tapping a foot menacingly. She was dressed in some kind of blue apron thing – he winced again as he realized that's what Dotty had meant about it being a Bluebell day.

"Tell Amanda what?" said Dotty's voice in his ear.

"You know what, never mind. I'll tell her myself," he said. "Talk to you later, Dotty!" He hung up the phone and rolled the chair forward slowly, putting on his most charming smile. "Hi Honey! That shade of blue looks really nice on you."

"Hi Honey?" an obviously irked Amanda mimicked him. "Really? That's what you're going with? Because you are not going to sweet talk your way out of this with compliments, Stetson," she said, stalking toward him. "Oh no, you're really not, because imagine my surprise when I was at the nurses' station just now and they were complaining about the very handsome but very annoying man in Room 409 who was making everyone crazy with his demands and his complaints and his bad manners and I ask 'well, really, how bad can he be?' and they all say 'he's a nightmare' and then it turns out to be YOU!"

"They said I was handsome?" he quipped, relieved when he caught the slightest twitch in her lips.

"And very annoying," she answered. She was now standing in front of him, hands on her hips, looking down at him with an expression that he would guess Phillip and Jamie were very familiar with. "Now, when exactly were you planning on telling me about this?" She tapped the leg brace, a glint of worry crossing her face when he flinched reflexively.

"I was calling you just now," he said, the picture of injured innocence. "Honest! First chance I got, I called."

"Just now, huh? And you've been here how long?"

"A couple of hours," he admitted.

"A couple?"

"Four. Okay, maybe six," he corrected himself when her eyes narrowed.

She leaned down, put her hands on the arm rests of the wheelchair and looked him in the eye. "You have been in a hospital for six hours and I had to find out from overhearing gossip in the hallway?"

"It was my first chance to call!" he defended himself. "They've had me in scans and x-rays and labs all day and now they want to keep me here for three more days for tests!" he finished with a miserable expression.

Amanda sat back on the edge of the bed with a thump. "Three days? What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me!" he flared up. "I just hurt my knee a little and now that they got me in here, they've decided to keep me hostage!"

Amanda's lips twitched. "Lee, I don't believe they want to keep you at all. I mean the nurses definitely don't, so how about you tell me what really happened. How did you hurt your leg?"

"I fell," he offered, trying not to lie.

"You fell?" she repeated, her skepticism evident. She quirked up a brow, obviously waiting for more.

"Through a window."

"Through a window?" she exclaimed, sitting up straighter. "I thought you were on desk duty today, catching up on your reports!"

"I was. This was at work."

Amanda leaned forward and began checking his head for bumps. "Sweetheart, you work underground. There are no windows."

Lee grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it with a chuckle. "The bullpen window."

"How on earth did you fall through the bullpen window?"

Lee braced himself to tell her the whole story. "There was an incident. And I don't want you to worry because this isn't something that has ever happened before and the Agency is really a very safe place… but Walt Kimball – have you met him? He works in Munitions – anyway, he had some kind of breakdown and started waving a gun around and I was worried someone would get hurt so I tackled him and we fell through the window. He didn't hurt me but I banged my knee pretty hard on the landing."

"Oh my gosh!" Amanda was wide-eyed now. "You poor thing! Did they figure out what happened to him to make him do that?"

"Not that I know of – I think he's in here somewhere too because I knocked him out during the fight and he hadn't come around yet when they loaded him in the ambulance." He squeezed her hand. "Amanda, you have got to help me get out of here. I hate hospitals! I can't be stuck in here for three days! I'll go as crazy as Walt!"

The door swung open and Amanda quickly tugged her hand out of Lee's.

"Oh hello, Amanda," said Billy, looking confused. "I didn't expect to find you here. I thought this floor was limited to hospital workers – how did you get in?"

"Oh well, that was easy. I just told them I was Lee's wife!" she answered cheerfully.

"What?" yelped Lee as Billy gaped at her, stunned.

"Oh yes, I just said I was Mrs. Stetson and waltzed right in," she went on, ignoring Lee's strangled protests. "Lee always told me the secret to a good cover is to just act as if you believe every word is true. So I just threw myself into it! I looked them straight in the eye, told them I was here to see my poor injured husband and to tend to his every need and you know, Lee was right - they believed every word of it and told me exactly where to find him."

There was a beat of silence and identical looks of horrified amazement on the two men's faces before she began to laugh. "Oh Mr. Melrose, I'm just teasing! I'm a hospital volunteer and I heard them mention Lee's name at the nurses' station, so I came by to see if there was anything I could do for him." She stood up and gestured to her uniform to prove her story.

Billy's face cleared as Lee slumped back in the chair in relief.

"Well, that's a lot more believable," Billy chuckled.

"Yes indeed, Sir. After all, who on earth would believe Lee would get married and keep it secret?" asked Amanda with an innocent expression. She chanced a look at Lee and knew he'd be getting his revenge for this later. "So Lee, is there anything I can do? Get you a magazine? Maybe a chocolate bar from the Ladies Auxiliary cart?"

"How about a sponge bath?" said Lee with a leer.

"Scarecrow!" said Billy, outraged. "That was uncalled for! Apologize! Now!"

Lee went scarlet, embarrassed that he'd let his mouth get so far ahead of his brain for that one moment, and Amanda was red-faced too, trying desperately to hold in her laughter.

"Sorry, Amanda," he mumbled. "That was rude of me."

"It's fine, Lee. I'm sure having a big ouch-ie like that is making you extra grumpy. And Bedside Bluebells aren't really in charge of that sort of thing," she replied cheerfully, patting his hand with a maternal air. "But I'm sure that nice Nurse Chapman will help you out with that."

Lee looked stricken at the reminder of his nemesis. "Billy, I'm begging you! Please don't make me stay here!"

Billy rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Scarecrow, you know I don't have the authority to allow that and even if I did, I still wouldn't because you need to stay off that leg and you won't be doing that if you're going back and forth to do all your physical tests here!"

"Oh yes – the tests! Lee mentioned that," interrupted Amanda. "So what kind of physical tests? Lee, are you alright?" she asked before catching Billy's interested look at her intrusive question.

"Just standard Agency stuff," grumbled Lee, waving aside her concern. "Which I could do anytime but they're taking advantage of me being a cripple to hold me captive in here!"

"Oh I'm sure it won't be that bad," encouraged Amanda. "Think of all the reading you could catch up on. And I'm sure people will come to visit, keep you company…"

Billy snapped his fingers. "That's it! Amanda, do you think you could be a Bluebell for a few more days? Keep an eye on Lee for me, keep him from annoying the staff, that sort of thing? All as part of your paying job, of course. "

Amanda glanced at Lee who was looking at her like she was an oasis in a desert. "Well, I suppose so, Sir. What do you think, Lee?" she asked him in an artificially artless voice. "Would you like it if I stayed and kept you company while you're in here?"

"I think that sounds very… okay," he answered, trying to sound surly.

"Excellent!" Billy beamed. "Um, Amanda… could I just talk to you outside for a minute?" He gestured with his head to the door.

"Of course, Sir." Amanda whisked past him and out into the corridor. She stuck her hands in her apron pockets and looked at him expectantly.

"Amanda," Billy began, trying to find the words. "About Lee…"

"Ýes, Sir?"

"Lee is notorious for not being a good patient," he began to explain. "He's been ditching these tests for three years now and IA is going to come down on him like a ton of bricks if he doesn't get them done. Do you understand?"

Amanda nodded.

"So you see, in some ways, him injuring himself like this is a godsend because he can't talk his way out of it. But I think you should know, before you agree to help him for the next few days… it's going to be, well, it's probably going to be unpleasant. If you want to change your mind, I wouldn't blame you one bit."

"Oh no, Sir, it'll be fine. I'm sure he can't be as bad as you think."

Billy shook his head despondently. "Oh, I think he can. And honestly, it will probably make your life easier if you just let him have whatever he wants – within limits, of course."

"Oh," said Amanda. She leaned in, whispering, "Am I going to have to give him that sponge bath he asked for? Because if the Agency needs me to do that, I'll do it. I mean, you're right, it would probably be unpleasant, but I'll do it. For my country." She laid her hand over her heart and looked solemn.

Billy had begun to chuckle almost immediately at her ramble and had given into full-blown wheezing by the end. "You'll handle him just fine, won't you, Amanda?" he asked, wiping his eyes. "I don't know why I was worried. You're just going to treat him like one of your boys, aren't you?"

"Oh, I really don't think it'll come to that," Amanda smiled at him. "He's just grumpy from the pain and needs distracting. I won't take any of his complaining too seriously."

"Well, good luck with that," replied Billy. "I can't believe what a stroke of luck it is that you were here today."

"Kismet," answered Amanda. "Apparently I'm just doomed to be in the wrong place at the right time when it comes to Lee."

"Well thank you for agreeing to take him on," said Billy, chuckling again. "And if he gives you any trouble, or you need anything at all, you call me."

"I sure will," Amanda smiled back at him. "Don't you worry about a thing."

She waited for Billy to board the elevator before turning to walk back into Lee's room.

"I told them I was his wife," he mimicked her as soon as she entered. "I can't believe you said that! I almost had a heart attack!"

"Well, at least you were in the right place for that. And besides, I owed you one," she dimpled at him as she crossed the room and took his hands in hers. "After the other week when you told me you had a kid." She leaned down to kiss him, a kiss that soon became longer as he lifted a hand to cup the back of her head and hold her close. They pulled apart, but not too far, Lee's lips slipping across her cheek.

"I didn't say it was my kid," he murmured, laughing softly. "I said I had a kid."

"Oh, like that made any difference at the time," she said, as she pulled back and looked at him fondly. "Sometimes I think you thought I'd only help Alexi if I thought he was yours."

"No, you don't," Lee said seriously. "You know I knew you were just what he needed."

"Oh, I think you would have done fine on your own. You have that whole video game and bribery thing down pat."

"Phillip and Jamie have been a useful learning experience," he admitted. "Fortunately, we got him back to his parents before he started angling for a puppy. Now come on, let's go for a walk."

"You're not supposed to be walking," she started to reprimand him.

"Okay, you walk, I'll roll," he conceded. "I want to go see if I can find Walt and see how he's doing."

Are you sure you should?" Amanda asked, flippantly. "What if you have to beat him up again? Sounds like your knee is already bad enough without any extra karate kicks."

"Of course I won't! He's a good friend! I know his wife and kids, for crying out loud!" Lee exclaimed, defensively. As Amanda looked ashamed at misreading his intentions, he persisted. "Come on, Amanda, I had to take him out with force and I'm worried about him. He's the last guy I'd ever think would succumb to burnout."

"Well, okay," said Amanda. "Mr. Melrose did say I could let you do anything within reason. Will you promise to stay in the wheelchair?"

"Oh Amanda, I'll feel like an idiot, being pushed around like an old man!"

"But Lee, I could get in trouble with Mr. Melrose if you don't behave, and you wouldn't want that would you, Sweetheart?" She gave him her best pleading look.

Lee glared at her, torn between laughter and exasperation. "Is this what the next three days are going to be like? Maybe I should have stuck with the mean nurse."

"Oh I'm sure you don't mean that," said Amanda, starting to roll him out of the room. "She doesn't seem like your type at all."