It's been almost two decades since we last saw her. I can't help, but think that she is gone forever. Edward is constantly telling me that wherever she is, that she wants me to move on and be happy. I just turn my head and ignore him. I can't just forget her. I can't move on. I can't let her go. I can't live without her.
I've spent the past 19 years putting on a face for my family, and just staying here for them. It's just not the same without her. I can still remember that morning like it was yesterday.
Alice and I had spent the night in each other's arms as close enough to sleep as we can get. The sun was peaking over the horizon casting a substantial amount of "sparkles", as Alice calls them, all around our room. I rolled over to look into the beautiful eyes that belong to my lovely wife, only to find that she wasn't there. I was so wrapped up in my memories of us through-out the years that I hadn't realized that she was gone.
I smirked and got up to see where she had wandered off to. I walked down stairs only to find the worried faces of my family. I looked towards Edward. "What's wrong? Where's Alice?" I demanded through thought. All he could do was look down.
"Where is she?" I screamed at my innocent family. I was being surrounded by the emotions of worry, grief, and the most terrifying emotions of all. Loss.
Carlisle stood and walked at a human pace to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I quickly shrugged him off. "Where is she?" I growled at him, unable to contain my anger and worry over my small, pixie of a wife.
"We do not know son." Carlisle stated in a calm manner.
"What the hell do you mean that you don't know?" I could not contain my anger anymore. I saw Edward protectively stand in front of Bella out of the corner of my eye.
"I read her mind, Jasper. All that she said was that she had to go." Edward then shook his head. "I couldn't get to her in time to stop her."
That was my boiling point. I snapped and lunged at him. It had been such a rash thing that I hadn't thought about it. I grabbed him by the throat and pinned him to a near-by wall. "You. Let. Her. Go?" I screamed in his face.
"Jasper." Carlisle was over to me in a second and had his hand yet again on my shoulder. "Please let him go. He said that he could not get to Alice in time. That is enough."
I reluctantly let Edward go. I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't know what to make of any of it. She was gone, and no one knew where she was.
I blacked out and to this day I can't remember what happened after that. I'm too afraid to ask any members of my family, for I feel that the answer may hold things that I could live without knowing.
It was then that I heard a silent knock on my door. From the scent of lilac and vanilla and a hint of cinnamon, I knew it to be Esme.
I dated the entry, put my pen into the journal, and closed it. The journal was Esme's idea. It is supposed to keep a record of my feelings so that I can look back over them and see my progress. I look back over it now and I see no difference within the past two decades.
"Come on in Esme." I spoke no higher than a whisper knowing that she would hear me all the same. I turned towards the door as she walked in.
"Hello my darling son. I see that you are writing in your journal. Is it helping any?" She asked genuinely interested.
I looked over at the book and sighed. "I don't know how much longer I can do this Esme. I…I just don't know how to go on without her. She was my everything." I looked down knowing that this next line was going to hurt her most of all. "For the last 19 years, I have been merely putting on a face for you and everyone else, but I can't do it anymore!" I stood up and threw my hand up in the air. "It's just not the same without her. I can't go on living like this without her. Not anymore."
I looked up into her eyes knowing that I was going to regret it. Sure enough, I was right. Her eyes were dry, but had she been human, they would have been overflowing with tears. She tried to hide it with every ounce of might that she had, but it wasn't working.
I closed my eyes and looked away for a second, but then pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry Mom. I truly am, but I can't be happy like this. She was my only reason to exist. Other than that," I pulled back slightly to look her into the eyes. "I'm nothing, but a worthless fool."
She opened her mouth in protest, but I stopped her before she could say anything.
"Please understand, Esme that I love you, and Carlisle and everyone else, but I can't hold on anymore. I don't feel that connection anymore. I can't feel her. It feels like she's," I couldn't say it without my voice breaking, but I tried any way. "Dead."