He couldn't go home. Hell, he couldn't even close his eyes. Every time he did, he saw Reid, his Reid, lying prone on the floor, dead. He had felt Hotch's eyes on him the entire flight home and knew that the man was questioning his judgment. Not that he wouldn't have done the same had their roles been reversed.
So, he had holed himself up in his office, and ignored the phone when it rang. There wasn't anyone that he wanted to talk to at the moment, anyway. Finally, though, he watched Hotch leave the bullpen, and knew it might be safe for him to make his escape as well.
Gideon had almost made it to the stairs when he heard the first sob. In the quiet of an empty workspace, the sound sounded like a gun going off. Whirling around, he saw that the light was still on in Garcia's office. She had been with him when they had watched Reid die and he had held her hand as she had cried. He couldn't cry, the tears refused to come, and so he let her tears represent his own, as well.
Taking a deep breath, he turned around and went up to her door, knocking softly. The cries were quickly swallowed and he hated that. "Yes, come in."
He opened the door and saw that she was facing her monitors, scrolling through some webpage that contained pictures of cats. She was obviously trying to make herself happy, and his shoulders sagged a little when he realized it wasn't working. "Garcia?"
She turned her head slightly, letting the light from the monitors shadow her face. "Is there something I can help you with, Sir?" Her voice was small and meek, something he'd only heard from her after that disastrous Fisher King case.
"I heard you…"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be quieter."
"You don't need to be quieter, Penelope. If you need to let out your feelings, let them out. Keeping them bottled up does nothing for you but eat at your soul." She nodded a little and then turned to face him. Tears were still streaming down her cheeks and his heart clenched.
"Can I hug you? I really need someone to hold me right now." He nodded and stepped forward, letting her wrap her arms around his waist as she rested her head against his stomach. His shirt was soon damp with her tears and he rubbed her back gently, not knowing how else to comfort her. "Hotch thinks I failed him, too. I just can't do anything right."
Gideon helped her to stand and led her over to the sofa in her office. "Why do you think that?"
"Because I couldn't track where the feed was coming from. I wasn't fast enough, good enough, to help you out and it was my fault that Reid was as hurt as he was. Just like it was my fault that Elle got shot. If I hadn't been selfish and playing that game on my downtime, he wouldn't have been able to get access to our personal information. I'm a failure."
She collapsed against him, the sobs wracking her body. Gideon felt like the words she spoke were daggers, stabbing into his heart. He was partially responsible for this reaction in her. He knew she had a tender heart, that she had trouble looking at the crime scene photos because they bothered her so. He knew she worked her hind end off to please him, to please all of them, as if by getting the results so quickly, they would accept her more. And he knew that he was now profiling her, analyzing her in an attempt to comfort her. "You are not a failure, Penelope."
He felt her burrow into him, as if trying to lose herself, and he continued rubbing her back, letting her cry out her sorrow. To his surprise, his own tears began to flow, and he let them fall, knowing they would heal his heart. "You're just saying that because you're my superior, Sir. I know you think less of me because of what happened."
"In the beginning, yes. But then, when we went to Florida and you listened to that horrible tape over and over, filtering out the sounds layer by layer, doing something I would never have the strength to do." She nodded hesitantly. "And you found that information while I was on the phone so quickly. I was a bit amazed at how fast you can do things, and it made me proud to have you on the team."
"Really?"
"I wouldn't lie to you, peanut." She drew in a shuddery breath and he held her closer, feeling her hand dig into the fabric of his shirt. "I promise you that, I would never lie to you."
"Thank you." Her breath fanned out across his neck and he had to struggle to control himself. She had to have noticed the reaction, though, as the next thing he felt was her lips against his cheek. "I don't want to go home alone tonight."
"I don't either. But I'm not about to take advantage of you."
She nodded and then placed her hand on his cheek, turning his face to her. "You wouldn't be taking advantage of me. You'd be offering me the freedom of comfort." She smiled tremulously at him before kissing him softly. Gideon was not prepared for how soft her lips were, or the delicious way her breasts pressed against his chest, and he clenched his hand in an attempt not to kiss her back. She just pressed forward and he gave in to the feelings she was stirring in him. "Take me home, Gideon."
He nodded dumbly and helped her to her feet. She grabbed her purse out of her desk and clasped his hand tightly, letting him lead her to his car. Penelope slid into the front seat, running her hands along the soft leather, a weary look on her face. "Are you sure?"
"Yes." The simple declaration eased his conscience and he started the vehicle and backed out of his spot. They were silent on the ride to his apartment, though he could feel her eyes on him. He parked under the carport and went around to her side of the car, opening the door for her and holding out his hand. Penelope took it, holding on tightly as she stood up. "Gid, I, thank you."
She leaned forward and kissed him passionately and he felt himself stir. Breaking the kiss, he smiled at her, running one of his thumbs across her cheek. "Let's head inside. I don't think you want to put on a show for the rest of the residents of my building." She shook her head and giggled lightly, snuggling into him.
It seemed like she was so trusting of him, despite everything that had happened between them in the past. They were breathing in tandem by the time he unlocked his door and he ushered her over to the sofa. "Gid?"
"Do you want anything to drink?"
"No. I just want to hold you, to feel you. I need to feel something. Please?"
He couldn't argue with her logic and so he nodded, going over and opening the bedroom door. She hopped up and came over to him, fumbling with the fastenings on her skirt as she walked. Thrusting her purse at him, she finished stripping down to her underwear. "There're condoms in there, somewhere. See if you can't dig out your size."
"Always be prepared?"
"Well, one half of the pair has to be. I've found that the men I've hooked up with tend to be forgetful. Not that I've hooked up in a while. There aren't many men who find the whole package appealing." She smiled, but he could see the hurt in her eyes that belied the ease with which she said those words. Shaking his head, he set her purse aside and pulled open the top nightstand drawer.
"I'm covered, peanut." Setting the foil wrapped square on the nightstand, he quickly stripped down to his boxers and then opened his arms. She stepped into them willingly and he was surprised that the first thing she did was tug at hair on his chest. Growling lowly, he pulled her flush against his chest, capturing her lips.
She mashed her lips right back against his, wrapping her arms around his waist. He loved the feel of her short nails scratching his back as the kiss kept on going. He maneuvered her to the bed and pulled them both down. Her skin was so soft on his and he ran his hands up and down her back, unclasping her bra and throwing it to the floor.
It was only when he felt tears splash down on his face that he pulled back. "What is it, peanut?"
"I don't know. I want this, and I know you do, too, I can feel you. I guess I didn't realize how much I just needed to be held, skin on skin, close to someone. I hate to ask this, but, would you just hold me for a few minutes? Please?"
"Of course I will, peanut." He sat up and rested against the headboard. Penelope crawled up between his legs and rested her back against his chest, letting her head lay on his shoulder. Gideon brought his arms around her waist, holding her tight as she cried. Slowly, he began to rock them back and forth, and she angled her upper body to envelop him in a tight hug. "Oh, peanut, you're going to be okay. He lived, and he'll be fine. If anything, it's my fault for pushing him to always do things on his own. It should have been me."
"We're all sort of fucked up, aren't we, Gid?" He nodded against her shoulder and she sighed, reaching up to run her fingers through his hair. "I won't call you that in the office, I hope you know, I'll respect those boundaries you've set." She sighed softly and nuzzled her forehead against his chin. "Have you ever thought of growing a beard? You would totally rock a beard."
"I used to have one, once upon a time. It makes me look like a bear, though."
"A cuddly teddy bear, perhaps." Pulling back, she lifted her lips and pressed a soft kiss to his chin. "I think I'm ready." He nodded and they stretched out on the bed, their limbs entwining together. To him, everything seemed to fade away as he focused on bringing her pleasure, making sure she was taken care of. They reached the peak of pleasure together, and he collapsed on her, sweat dripping onto her body.
"You are incredibly lovely, peanut. Thank you." He leaned down and kissed her gently before cuddling her close.
"So are you, Gid." Sighing, she pushed away slightly from him. "Where's your bathroom?"
"Right next door to the bedroom." She nodded and slipped out of the room. Listening carefully, he could hear water run and then she was coming back to him.
"Sit up so I can wash you off before we sleep. It's kind of hard to sleep when you're all sticky and sweaty. And you, my Giddy Bear, sweat a lot during sex." She climbed back onto the bed and swiped at his body with the cool washcloth, swishing away the smell of sex. When she had finished, she went back to take care of the washcloth and he waited for her patiently.
When she came to him, this time she was smiling sadly and he opened his arms to her. She nodded and crawled up to him, nestling into the security of his arms. "Spill, peanut."
"What if Reid's different because of what happened to him? How do I treat him? I don't want to put on kid gloves and make him feel totally alienated. He gets that enough already. But what if he needs support?"
He stopped her words with a gentle finger to her lips. "You'll know what he needs when the time comes. I promise you that, Penelope." He leaned in to kiss her and she returned the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck. "And if you need to talk to anyone, just call me." She nodded and rested her head against his shoulder. He began to rub her back once more and felt her relax into him, her breathing deepening into sleep.
Once he was certain her sleep was deep, he gathered the sheets up around their bodies, covering them up as he got them a little more comfortable on the bed. This had been a much needed respite from the world for both of them, and while they would probably never speak of it again, he felt certain that they would always remain close.