Story Title: His Greatest Good
School: Hogwarts
Year: 2
Theme: Imperius Curse
Prompts: "I'm your wife, I'm the greatest good you'll ever have." [Main]/Funeral
Word Count: 2260
A/N: An AU where Remus survives the Final Battle but Tonks dies.
His Greatest Good
He turned again. This entire night had been made up of tossing, turning and very little sleep. Every time he shut his eyes, he saw her. That perfect little nose. Her ever-changing hair. Sparkling eyes as she teased him. Her lifeless body on the concrete floor. With a gasp, Remus shot up in bed. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. In and out and repeat. He opened his eyes to the lowly-lit room. She was still all around.
Her influence on the bedclothes, the tie-dyed print mocked him. You weren't good enough. You couldn't hold onto her. With a wolfish snarl, he tore the covers off himself and flung them on the floor. Breaking down, he put his head in his hands and sobbed. He always thought that if he was lucky, he would get the chance to experience everything with Teddy; his mother's funeral was not one of the things on the list.
A small knock on the door forced Remus to lift his bloodshot, glassy eyes from their hiding place. The door squeaked slightly, as Harry's face edged around the corner. The open gap allowed the wails coming from the motherless child down the corridor to sound throughout the room. Remus winced at the noise. Harry smiled comfortingly at Remus.
"Morning, Remus. Do you need me to do anything for today?" he asked quietly. Remus took a deep breath.
"Can you get Teddy ready?" Remus croaked out. Harry nodded before retreating from the room, shutting the door behind him. The child's cries were muffled by the thick wood once again. Remus rubbed his eyes. At least he could rely on Harry to look after Teddy. He couldn't do it. He couldn't see her in his son's face. The easy changing of his features. The longer Teddy went without seeing his mother, the more of his face was adjusting to her natural features. He was becoming another reminder that Remus wasn't good enough, and he was left with something else that he wasn't good enough for.
Remus looked over at the closet door, which was slightly ajar. He could see the edge of her jacket, the light brown stain of blood peeking through the open gap that showed his black suit; his funeral outfit. He stood up and gingerly opened the door fully. Their clothes were still mixed together. Her bright array muddled with his dull, dark life. He heaved a big sigh and lifted the hanger containing his suit out. He then pushed the door closed tightly, as if to conceal the sunshine behind the clouds. He pulled on his clothes and, facing the gaunt image in the mirror, tied the knot of his tie. He could feel her small hands ghosting over the dark pattern, attempting to adjust it but all the while making it worse. The slight pressure moved from the knot to the collar of his shirt, fixing it before resting on his chest. The pressure built up inside and once more, the sobs broke from the depths of him. His knees weakened and he collapsed down, sobs wracking his body.
When all that was coming out were broken breaths, Remus sat and tried to calm his breathing. Once he had gotten that under control, he pulled himself up off the ground and ventured out into the hall. As he made his way down to the kitchen, he stopped at the top of the stairs. Harry's voice floated out through the open door from Teddy's room.
"Look at you, handsome. Daddy is going to be very glad to see you. You're going to keep him happy today, do you think you can do that?" Teddy's happy gurgles answered him.
Before Remus could start crying again, he left the small scene and went down the stairs. He passed pictures of them all on the wall. There was himself and Tonks at their wedding, moving to smile at each other; Teddy's first steps alone, toothless grin on his face; all of them at 12 Grimmauld Place the year before Sirius died. He smiled sadly at each photo and forced himself to move to the kitchen. As he got to the door of the kitchen, memories flooded his brain. One morning in particular came into his memory.
It had been a bright and sunny winter morning. Tonks was only five months pregnant, her small bump poking out slightly under the bright, flowery t-shirt. Her warm appearance a contrast to the cold wind that made itself known every so often. She muddled around the kitchen while Remus watched from the doorway. He leaned against the door-jam as she seamlessly popped two teabags into separate cups, picked up the teapot when it whistled, poured the water, adjusted them to the correct milk/sugar ratio and stirred both. She hummed to herself, oblivious to the man staring with a content smile on his face.
She picked up the two cups and turned. She jumped and yelped at the sight of him before yelping again at the crash that sounded in the room as one of the cups hit the tiles. His wand was in his hand immediately. The mess was cleared up before she had even remembered where her wand was. He settled again against the doorframe and cocked an eyebrow at her.
"What?" she challenged.
"I'm just trying to remember what good I ever thought would come of marrying you," he quipped.
"I'm your wife, I'm the greatest good you'll ever have," she sassed. Her sharp heel turn caused her short pink strands to spin out. Remus chuckled behind her. He moved to stand behind her as she reached up for another cup. She went through the motions again. This time, she had Remus's warm hand on her stomach, cradling the baby bump.
"Yes, you are, and I'm lucky every day because of that," he whispered in her ear before he placed a small kiss on her temple. Her only response was the added pressure on his chest as she leaned back.
Remus smiled at the memory as his eyes welled up. He shook his head to get rid of the tears and began to get breakfast ready for himself, Harry and Teddy. The ghost of her followed his every movement and even in the mundane tasks, he could feel her there.
The next few hours flew by as the small cottage became a hive of activity. Remus was constantly haunted not only by his own memories, but by the morose looks he was getting from every woman who saw him. When they made it to Remus' in laws' house, the pitying looks increased. They were there when he went to the coffin, its open top showcasing the best thing that ever happened to him. Her natural brown hair framed her petite face, the colours fading out of her in death. With watery eyes, he stared down at her perfect little face. One final time, he gently moved her hair out of her eyes, tucking it behind her ear.
As Remus sat at the front with his wife's parents, Teddy and Harry, he could feel people burning holes into the back of his head. All the looks seemed to say one thing. Poor guy. He can't do this alone, but he isn't good enough for anyone else. He's too damaged. He comes with baggage. The voices in his head grew louder until finally, Kingsley stood up and stood beside the closed casket. In his booming voice, he addressed the large crowd and thanked them all for being there. After that, Remus didn't hear a word that was said until his name was mentioned. He focused his gaze on Kingsley who gestured for him to stand up. It was time for his eulogy.
Remus stood up and faced the crowd. They all sat with a pitying head tilt, waiting for him to start. Remus opened his mouth and…
Nothing. Not a sound came out. He cleared his throat and tried again. Still nothing. He scoffed to himself. His mind was telling him something that his heart already knew. There are no words for to describe Tonks. He wiped his eyes that had begun to fill again and, in the process, caught a glimpse of his baby in Harry's arms.
"The speech I have prepared won't do her justice. Dora was a force to be reckoned with. The first time I met her, she gave out to me for calling her Nymphadora," the audience chuckled. "That was the way she was. If it wasn't done her way, there was no other option. It took her three months to convince me to bring her on a date. She set her mind on me for some reason. She was constantly reminding me that I was worthy because that's what she saw." Remus's voice broke. He took a deep breath. "I love Dora. I always will. She was the greatest good I ever had." The barrier broke and his tears overflowed. "Goodbye, Dora," he croaked out. As he sat down again, he felt the eyes on the back of his head again. That was a nice speech, but it wasn't good enough. You weren't good enough.
After Remus, Andromeda made a speech about her daughter and told of her antics as a child. She had a fond smile complimenting her watery tears by the time she sat down again. As much as Remus enjoyed hearing stories of a troublesome little Tonks, all he could hear were people judging and comparing the speech to his. Now that was a proper speech. At least she had someone worthy in her life.
The rest of the funeral passed in a blur until finally, her body was carried out and laid to rest under the old oak tree in the back garden. The guests all petered back into the house for refreshments until finally, Remus stood alone staring at the newly engraved granite. It seemed to speak, the words forming insults to throw at him. This is all your fault. You have saved her. You were never going to be good enough, were you?
Remus turned with glassy eyes towards the house. He spied Harry through the window, bouncing a gurgling Teddy on his knee. In only a few days, Harry had become more of a father to Teddy than he was. He wasn't able for this. He couldn't fail someone else. Remus dragged his feet back towards the house, counting down the minutes until he could escape back to his own cottage. Back to his wretched fears and deprecating memories.
That night, the small cottage went back to just the two of them. Harry put Teddy to bed before giving Remus one final hug. Another day, another funeral. Remus thanked Harry for everything that day but in the midst of it, begged him not to go. He couldn't do it. He wasn't enough for Teddy.
"You were good enough for me. You were good enough for Tonks. You're good enough for Teddy. You'll never realise that until you're left alone," Harry responded. He gave his shoulder a final pat, before entering the fireplace and flooing home. Remus sat down at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands. The silence around him was deafening. He got up and grabbed a Butterbeer from the fridge before sinking down on the sofa in the living room. He focused on all the pictures scattered around the room, all the times he was included. Suddenly, the silence was broken by a piercing cry.
Teddy's cries echoed through the small house. Remus sat overwhelmed on the sofa, ready to burst into tears himself. He pushed himself up and entered the small room. His son's cries were getting louder. Remus looked at the small child whose little red face stared back at him. He moved around the cot and sourced the soother, before offering it. It was placed in an open mouth before being clutched in a small fist and thrown away. Teddy wailed again. Everything seemed to be making fun of him. You're not good enough for him either. You'll not be able to protect him either. Remus's eyes filled with tears to match the infant's.
"I'm sorry, Teddy. I'm sorry I don't know what to do. I'm not good enough," his face crumpled up as he lifted the baby out of the cot. As the child felt the strong arms lift him and bring him closer to comfort, his wails softened to whimpers. He clutched the soft fabric of his rescuer and pulled himself closer. Remus watched as Teddy calmed down, his breathing evening out.
"Was that all?" he whispered. "You just wanted to be held? Well, I can do that." He carried Teddy towards his room and settled on the bed, his back against the wall behind. He adjusted the toddler so that he was against his chest, head propped up on his shoulder. The growing weight of the child became a comfort to him. He brushed a kiss into the soft sandy curls that settled on his head. "I might be able to do this" he said softly.
While Remus sat there with Teddy clutched to his chest, he came to a decision. Those fears that were haunting him, controlling his every decision were going to be the basis for helping Teddy grow. He was going to be the greatest good Teddy ever had. With a final hug to the comatose infant in his arms, Remus curled up under the tie-dye printed covers and drifted off to sleep.
A/N: The use of the Imperius Curse was used as figurative rather than literal. It is Remus's mental state and his memories/fears that are controlling each decision he makes.
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