Harry Potter has lived through many terrible things. When he was only one, a crazy Dark Lord broke into his house and killed his parents, and then tried to kill him. Then he had to deal with his abusive relatives. You would think that by the time he goes to Hogwarts things would get better, but nope, not for The Boy Who Lived.

Lucky Harry gets a yearly life-threatening experience at the end of each and every school year, courtesy of the Dark Lord himself!

But you already knew that. In fact, everyone seems to know everything about Harry Potter, The Chosen One, the wizard who defeated Lord Voldemort. Favourite colour? Red. His choice of dessert is treacle tart, and he has a soft spot for snowy animals and big black dogs. When you're as famous as him, even such mundane facts become common knowledge.

However, there is one less known fact about him. Even his closest friends were surprised to hear of it. It's that the great Harry Potter absolutely despises inspirational quotes.

You heard right. The guy who is basically the human embodiment of inspirational quotes hates them with a passion. Follow his dreams and become an Auror he did. Harry never gave up in his quest to defeat Voldemort, and with such a mindset he succeeded. But now, in his mid-life crisis with three noisy kids, a busy wife, and government job, Harry can safely say that he will hex the next person who quotes Dumbledore or Mother Theresa to him.

Just think about it, what if you're telling the next Dark Lord to never give up and follow their dreams?

You see, Harry isn't the kind of guy to tell his kids some sort of inspirational quote when they're upset or stressed. When his son Albus was afraid of being sorted into Slytherin, he didn't say something like "wherever the wind sets, your smile will upturn." Does that even make sense? I bet you thought it did. No, Harry is above giving obscure and blatantly wrong advice. He wasn't The Chosen One for nothing!

Except for, no one really knows this little tidbit about him. And now here he is in his late thirties, in his cushy desk job, because it turns out with no evil dark wizard to boss people around, there is much less crime, and auroring quickly turns into paperwork. Of course, this leaves Harry bored throughout his working hours. Ron works at George's joke shop, and Hermione is far too busy as the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Oh, and he's The Chosen One. The wizarding world has an odd fixation with him and as such, he has appearances to keep.

Maybe he should have taken up professional Quidditch.

Anyway, a bored person is a compliant person. With all kids off at Hogwarts, and not back until the holidays, Harry has absolutely nothing to do. And despite dueling the Dark Lord, having the entire wizarding world turn its back on him and see his godfather die before his very eyes, what is about to happen will be the catalyst of his midlife crisis.

"Harry, I think you should start an advice column," said Ginny.

"Have you been sleeping with Nargles or something," replied Harry from the dining table, having his coffee and looking up from The Daily Prophet.

"I know you're not a morning person, but hear this out. Both my boss and I were discussing it and we thought it would be very well received by the public!" Harry rolls his eyes in response. "You mean my fangirls."

"And fanboys!"

"You're my wife, shouldn't this bother you?'

"I just feel so threatened by a bunch of hormonal teenagers. I'm quivering in my socks," Ginny said dryly.

"I'm not doing it. I don't have the time for it. I'm a very busy man, you know."

"What do you mean you have no time? You delegate all your paperwork to the new recruits, and you haven't been on a mission in over a month! Is that stomach flab I see?"

"Hey! Delegation takes mental effort."

"And an advice column makes money! And it'll give you something to do. You seem so bored lately, I honestly think this will be good for you."

"I am not giving advice for public consumption, Gin. Isn't it kind of pretentious? All I did was defeat Voldemort, that doesn't make me the jack of all trades. If I'm so bored, obviously I'm not life advice material."

Ginny strides toward him, puts her hands on his shoulders, leans into his ear and whispers "you can give relationship advice."

"Can I, though?"

"You will after tonight."

"..."

Oh no, this is not going to work on him.

"Really?" Damn it.

"BUT, only if you agree to do the advice column!" Ginny said merrily.

"I'm not sure."

"I think it'll be good for you!"

"I'll consider it."

"It'll make you happy!"

"I'll talk it over with Ron."

"Think of all the exciting relationship advice you can give."

"Deal! Wait, DAMN IT!" Ginny laughs in response and kisses him on the cheek.

"I wasn't supposed to fall for it again!" Harry whines.

"That's why I love you," Ginny replied with a smile on her face. Her eyes were sparkling.

"I'm so happy that you agreed to do this. I'll owl Janice and tell her you're in. Oh, just you wait, Harry, you'll love it! Just don't embarrass the kids too much. Their friends also read The Prophet.

"Fine, but I have one condition."

"Hm, yes?" Ginny quirked an eyebrow.

"No inspirational quotes."

"No inspirational quotes?" Cried Janice Asher, the current editor and chief of The Prophet.

"It's either that or no deal," Harry said stonily. Both him and Ginny were in her office in Diagon Alley. Ginny made Harry get up in the wee hours of the morning on a Saturday (8'o clock!) to go to their meeting with her boss, to discuss the finer details of his advice column.

"But the guy before you, Bernie - bless his soul, may he rest in peace- always began his response with an inspirational quote and centered his entire answer around it! We wanted to keep a theme."

"Don't bother with him, he can very stubborn about the banalest things," said Ginny.

"Miss, it's about time the public knew the real me."

"And… the real you cannot handle inspirational quotes?"

"Exactly."

"Not at all?"

"I'd rather fight another dark wizard."

"Not even a teeny bit?"

"Even the teeniest bits wouldn't suffice."

"Janice," Ginny starts. "We can't just throw away this opportunity! We've got Harry Potter here, semi-willing to run an advice column with only one condition, and you're trying to dispute it?"

Janice gave a sigh of resignation. People are so persistent these days, can't she just have a break and run her newspaper the way she wants to? "Alright, fine! I'd rather you than Bernie's ghost. Do what you will, just try to be positive in your answers, to some extent. We have a very wide range of readers, from stressed Hogwarts students, to stressed Ministry employees and business workers, to the content elderly population. You're hired. The column runs every Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. Keep your responses family friendly."

"Congratulations Harry!" Ginny exclaims. "Just you wait, soon you'll be renewed with youthful energy!"

"Excuse me?"

"This is why I hired her!" Janice barked with laughter.

"Is that all?" Harry asked wearily.

"Just a bit of advice," Janice starts. "The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. H. Jackson Brown, Jr."

"I hate you."

Janice grinned in response. "Good luck, Mr. Potter!"

Editor's Note: Welcome to Potter's Practical Advice Column! Here you will find what is hopefully useful, practical and no-nonsense life help/advice that will enrich the quality of your life -for good! So make sure to subscribe to The Daily Prophet if you haven't already because HARRY POTTER AKA THE BOY WHO LIVED AKA THE CHOSEN ONE IS GIVING OUT FREE ADVICE! (Free as long as you're subscribed to us; subscription form is at the back.)

Harry Potter: Hello, wizarding world and Daily Prophet readers (writing this feels very awkward). I'm excited to do my best in giving out practical advice for all you readers. Just a few heads up: There will be no wishy-washy sugarcoating in my answers. I will give real, practical and useful advice. This means saying it as it is because I'm not into false hope (was given too much of that in my youth). Anyway, there is only one ground rule: NO INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES!

Ginny Potter: Excuse my husband, he's actually a big softie on the inside. Advice will start on Friday's publication, so make sure to send your problems to the prophet!

So I see you've read this far. Thank you. Hopefully, you will stick around for more. I know Harry is a little OOC, but this is for humor's sake. I like to think that adult Harry is much different from angsty teenage Harry, but who knows. Anyway, if you have any dilemmas, feel free to leave in the reviews and Harry will give you some very SERIOUS and PRACTICAL advice. Super, super useful with no humor added whatsoever. Right? Also, the quote Janice said by H. Jackson Brown, Jr actually came from his book, Life's Little Instruction Book, which is a goldmine for inspirational quotes.