A/N: A belated Secret Santa fic for DarkIceAngelFlare. Hope you like it!
Percy Weasley unlatched the wrought iron gate and entered the small cemetery located a few miles from his family's home in Otterly St Catchpole. He shut the gate, locked it and carefully plodded through the well-manicured fields in search for a certain tombstone. His cheeks flushed, and he hung his head in shame. It had been two years since he last visited.
He wanted to visit. He really did. He thought about him every day. But, his life had become busy with work as the Head of the Department of Magical Transportation, husband to the lovely, Audrey, and father to his two daughters, Molly and Lucy.
This year, Percy decided to pay his respects early, visiting a few days before the anniversary of his brother's death. He wasn't keen on watching his family break down at his grave. His mother would do as she always did – openly mourning for the loss of her beloved son whilst bawling her eyes out and flinging herself on his grave.
Plus, Percy's guilt over his treatment toward his family in the years before his brother's death always came back to haunt him. Over the years, he'd become skilled at locking away his feelings. He stuffed them down, swallowing them as images of his past wrongs threatened to resurface and suffocate him.
It was akin to Pandora's box. Things were fine when his feelings remained locked away. When open and exposed, Percy turned into a completely different person. Gone was the calm and collected man. A guilt-ridden man replaced him. He spent countless nights crying and trying to drown his feelings with copious amounts of Firewhisky.
But, no matter how hard he tried; he couldn't seem to rid himself of his guilt. Pretending his feelings didn't exist worked to an extent. His family and work helped, but the guilt stayed.
XXX
He finally found the grave, which sat under a beautiful weeping willow tree. The light green leaves shook gently in the cool, autumn breeze. Percy heard the ripple of the babbling brook. He'd spent many sunny afternoons there with his siblings, sitting at the water's edge, skipping stones and musing on the meaning of life.
His deceased brother and his brother's twin had always managed to introduce an element of danger to their outings. The twins had attempted to climb up the giant stones that sat in the middle of the brook. They had climbed the trees that sat at the brook's edge, and their feet had hung precariously above the running water.
Percy smiled at the memories, his heart filling with warmth. He brushed away some stray leaves from the cool stone and set down his bouquet of forget-me-nots and white gladiolus. He sat cross-legged, his fingertips absentmindedly tracing his brother's name. His vision blurred as tears formed in his blue eyes. Memories of his brother's death on the battlefield filled his mind. It had happened so quickly. They had been fighting alongside each other when the fatal explosion hit.
"You know, Fred," Percy began, his voice deep and laced with unshed emotion. "I still wish it was me. I wish I'd seen it first, and pushed you out of the way. I always wish it was me," confessed Percy, wiping away a lone tear that trickled down his cheek.
He took a deep breath, willing himself to keep his composure. Shove it down. Lock it away. Pretend it doesn't exist.
"Maybe Mum wouldn't cry so much if it had been me. You didn't deserve to die. You had so much ahead of you," Percy muttered, pulling his knees to his chest. He lowered his head, focusing on the blades of grass coated with morning dew. "It would have been well deserved if I had died. I mean, what kind of person abandons his family? What kind of person can be so ignorant to the obvious?"
Growing up, Percy always felt like he didn't fit in with the rest of his family. He wasn't a jokester like the twins, a daredevil like Charlie, extremely intelligent like Bill, or loyal and lovable like Ron. And of course, his parents adored Ginny, their only girl.
To compensate, Percy did what he thought best. He focused solely on his studies, choosing to spend his time reading his textbooks instead of making friends. He became a Prefect and Head Boy. But, he still felt as if his siblings' achievements overshadowed all his accomplishments.
He figured working at the Ministry would open his family's eyes. He wanted to lift himself up by his bootstraps. He wanted to achieve the financial stability he never experienced during his childhood. He thought his family would have been proud of him. He put so much time and devotion into his work. But, no! He only got teased and tormented.
Truth be told, Percy felt pushed into a corner during the time of Voldemort's supposed return. He would have been fired if he openly disagreed with the Ministry. He couldn't afford to lose his job. It was the only thing he really had going for him. And so, he stood by the Ministry, despite a tiny part of him disbelieving the Ministry's claims.
His life slowly began to unravel with each day he stayed at the Ministry. He became estranged from his family. He hadn't wanted to disown them, but he felt like he had no other choice. Things spiraled downward from there: a returned jumper, a massive row with his father, a door slammed in the face of his mother and an awkward Christmas visit.
Thankfully, he finally realised the error of his ways. His family welcomed him back upon his return. But, part of him would always feel like he'd been a little too late.
Percy's emotions eventually got the better of him. He waved the white flag, surrendering to the sadness that overcame him. The tears he tried so hard to bottle flowed freely down his face. His slim shoulders shook as he wept at his brother's grave.
"I'd give anything to trade places," Percy admitted, raising his head a little to look at Fred's gravestone head-on. "Do you know how difficult it is to sit with them when someone else should be in your place? They've said they've forgiven me, they've said they love me, and that they're happy to have me back. But… it feels… forced."
The anniversary of Fred's death and his birthday were the worst days for Percy. He always attended the gatherings his family held. However, his guilt prevented him from enjoying the get-togethers. He'd always found it difficult to talk to his siblings, since they hardly shared any common interests.
Also, they'd reminisce about certain things Fred had done during his short life. They chatted animatedly about the Portable Swamp he had helped George create, how he had aged when he had tried to enter his name into the Triwizard Tournament and some of the excellent plays he had made as a Beater on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
Percy's heart hurt, realising everything he'd missed, and he only felt guiltier listening to their stories. He hoped that, in time, the guilt would go away, but it only seemed to intensify.
"You said you forgave me when I returned, Fred. But, how can I be sure? How do I know you're not angry with me, wishing it'd been me instead?" Percy bit out through his tears.
XXX
"Percy, he has forgiven you," called a familiar voice. Percy turned around and noticed George standing behind him, clutching a bag of his latest inventions from his joke shop. "You should forgive yourself, too."
Percy immediately straightened his back and wiped the remaining tears off his face. "What brings you here so early?"
"I'm leaving for a business trip tomorrow." George took a seat beside Percy. He removed a handful of merchandise from the bag and began placing them at Fred's grave. "Mum will be upset, but she'll get over it."
"Is anyone else coming early?"
George shook his head. "Though, you should come again when everyone else does."
Percy opened his mouth to reply, but George cut him off.
"Like I said before, you need to forgive yourself. They have forgiven you. I don't know what it's going to take for you to believe that."
"But, don't you think they'd - "
"No!" George cried, letting out a frustrated sigh. He ran his hands through his hair and tugged on the strands.
Surprised at George's harsh tone, Percy fell quiet, mulling over George's words. George paid Percy no mind and begun explaining his different creations to Fred. An hour passed, and Percy couldn't get over the intelligence and ingenuity George possessed. He couldn't believe that he once thought he wouldn't succeed.
"Well, I'm going to head out." George placed his items in his bag and rose. "See you soon?" Percy nodded, and George took off.
"George!" called Percy. "Want to grab a bite?" Percy flushed, shocked at his impromptu invitation. George walked back to Percy and shot him a puzzled look.
"All right," George agreed.
"Great!" Percy exclaimed, sighing in relief.
The two men cast one last, long look at Fred's gravestone and bade him goodbye. Percy apologised for not visiting Fred sooner, and he promised he'd visit earlier and more often. They exited the graveyard, taking off down the path that led to the nearby town. George extended his arm out to Percy and placed a hand on his shoulder, bringing his brother closer to him. The tender action brought tears to Percy's eyes.
In that moment, he decided to work harder overcoming his guilt toward his actions. His family loved him. They always loved him, despite his past transgressions. He'd already lost one brother. He did not want to lose his family by shutting them out.
The road to forgiveness begins now.