I could only stare at my father is fear and disbelief.
"W-what?" I could hardly speak the word. My father nodded and gave me his unreadable smile.
"Da. I want you to go down to that thicket and kill a deer with your hands," he told me as he pointed towards the field and nodded to my hands. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words would come. Not even a sound. I look towards the thicket and saw a few deer in the distance, then a looked down at my gloved hands. I had to KILL a deer with my own BARE HANDS!
"Don't you have a rifle? Couldn't you kill it at this distance?" I said "You" because I didn't want him to think that I wanted to be part of it. Deers were innocent and I knew I could never bring myself to kill them, rifle or not.
Honestly, I didn't think my father wanted me to do this. He told me we were going hunting, so I had assumed that he would be the one doing all the killing besides me. But here we are, standing beside the fence that kept deer away from the road and my father wanting me to do something so terrible! In all honesty, I hated killing. I only said that I enjoyed it to make my father pleased with me, but now I was about to scream out my fear of it. I knew that if I did, though, my father would be displeased with me and think of me as a coward.
I gulped as I looked up at his purple, expressionless eyes. I didn't want to do it. I could never have the heart.
"You want to make me happy, Ivan?" My father finally asked. I tried smiling.
"Oh, yes, Sir. I do. More than anything. But-"
"Then doing as I say, and killing deer. Da?"
"But...it's innocent!" I finally spoke my fear. I could tell that I made him a bit upset with me, because his smile slowly faded as if he was trying to understand my reluctance. He patted me on the head.
"Ivan," he began slowly as he shook his head, "do you wanting to eat tonight?" I wasn't quite sure I understood his question.
"Well, yes, Sir. But the deer...I can't kill it," I felt a mixture of sadness and shame as I admitted my weakness to him. I guess he didn't hear or ignored the last part because he continued.
"I brought you out here so you can training yourself to fight and defend for yourself when I am not around." He bent down a little so we could meet eyes and put his hands on my shoulders. I could tell he was about to tell me something important so I forced myself to listen.
"I could be gone one day. I needing you to rule Mother Russia one day. It is an important duty and also your responsibility. If you don't start fighting for it now then I am afraid that you will never be ready." I still wanted to protest.
"But it's innocent! I doesn't cause harm to anyone!" I saw my father's face turn into a bit anger.
"Ivan," he said sternly, "nothing is too innocent. I had to learning that the hard way." Before I reacted, he pulled me into an embrace and started stroking my hair like he always does.
"You must learning this. I needing your help one day and I can't afford for you to be like this. Someday, you are to be leader. And if you don't accept it..." he couldn't finish and sighed. Still, he continued on.
"I can't let other countries take over us. Not like they did to me. We are survivors, Ivan. And we can't be losers. This is being part of your training, Ivan. You must do this. For our people, for me,...for Russia. Now show me how strong you can be." He pushed me at arms length so we could meet eyes again. I sighed.
"Alright," I mumbled, even though I didn't want to make any promises. He smiled, obviously I could tell that he was happy again.
"Good boy. Now go," he said as he patted me on the shoulder and nudged me to the other side of the fence. I wish I could find a way to resist the need to obey his wishes with the stroking. I didn't sign up for this job, and I certainly didn't want it.
As I made my way to the thicket, I could see a few deers enjoying their graze and obviously oblivious to my presents. I crawled through the bushes and trees that surrounded the thicket and did the best I could to hide. Then I heard a twig snap and knew that I was the one who caused it. The deers heads shot up from the ground in alarm. I tried to remain still and tried to control my heavy and nervous breathing. One of the bucks was interested in my hiding place and walked over. He must have been curious about who or what was in the bushes.
I wanted to shout to make him go away, but at the same time I couldn't. As the buck started sniffing around in the bushes I was hiding in, I...started drooling. I don't know why! I suppose I could taste the deer meat and it was becoming to over power me.
Then I felt something new inside of me. Determination? Anger? Eagerness? I couldn't describe it, but it took over my feelings completely. I could smell the deer meat already, and it was making me very hungry. I couldn't control anything now. Everything inside of me was screaming something different. One side of me was screaming to kill it so you can eat and another side was telling me to kill as if it was an enemy. And the last part of me screamed the loudest. It was telling me to stop and just walk away, not to harm it. But I guess I had all kinds of emotion running through me because I began to feel angry and confused. So without knowing why...I sprang and wrapped my hands around the buck's neck and pinned him to the ground!
The deer jumped and scattered away quickly in both alarm and fear. I had the buck completely in my grasp and I yanked and pulled and choked the poor thing. But all I could think about was destroying it.
"Ivan!" I finally heard my father's call to me and I snapped out of my cruel trance. I gazed up at my father. He held a surprised expression.
"Ivan, you killed it. Relax, it's ours for the taking now." I forced myself to look down at my kill. I quickly removed my hands from the buck's neck. I looked down at my trembling hands. I stood up on my unsteady legs. I was so shocked, I didn't know how to react. My father, however, looked pleased.
"You charged at it in full power. You didn't holding anything back," he was beginning to get excited. "You didn't even thinking twice! You took it down like it was noting! Like it was nothing to you! You completely surprising it!" He smiled as he bent down by the corpse and looked up at me in pride. But I didn't want to meet his gaze, to make him feel proud. I feel to my knees and trembled all over.
Father slung the carcass over his shoulder and put his arm on my shoulder. He spoke, but I wondered if it was more to himself.
"Such strength! You could kill anyone like that. Coming at them when they least expected. What a son! He'll making fine ruler!" he began to walk away. It was only then did I dare start crying silently to myself. All at once, I hated deer meat, its smell, its dead carcass slung over my father's shoulder. The taste was bitter and I no longer wanted to look at it. I buried my face in my hands and hardly noticed my father calling me to follow him back home. I didn't want him to see my face.
"So proud of yourself that you started crying?" came his voice. Then he laughed, "It'll pass, Ivan. It'll pass." Was he sick or something?! How could I ever be proud of killing?!
Then I felt anger, even a bit hatred for my father. I wanted to run away. In fact, maybe I will do that.