There were moments of clarity in between long stretches of insobriety. Moments when he thought he saw the futility of what his life had become, when he thought he should do something to make a change. But mostly he spent his nights drinking some sort of swill that Doran tried to pass off as whiskey and spent his days sleeping it off. It was the only way he could make it through the night without being wracked with nightmares that seemed to tear him open inside over and over again. Memories of what he lost, reminders of where he should be now.
"Shepard!" he yelled as he got to her position on the main deck, she wasn't facing him - putting on her helmet to protect from the lack of pressure and he took a moment to do the same.
"Distress beacon is ready for launch." she said as she turned to face him, and he watched her eyes behind the visor in her helmet as she swept them across his body to make sure he wasn't hurt and then took in the damage behind her. It was bad. Some sort of beam was cutting through the ship and it wasn't Geth.
"Will the Alliance get here in time?" he asked her but he already knew the answer. They were too far out and the ship was too far gone for a rescue, this was going to be an escape or die situation. She caught him as he stumbled and took a moment to make sure he was steady before she turned to start trying to put out fires.
"The Alliance won't abandon us." she said reassuringly, though he wasn't convinced. "We just need to hold on." She tossed him the extinguisher she'd been using. "Get everyone onto the escape shuttles." she told him.
"Joker is still in the cockpit, he won't abandon ship." he told her, spraying a new flame that had sprung up by his feet. "And I'm not leaving either." he said matter-of-factly. She wouldn't like it, but they hadn't come this far for him to leave her behind. They had barely begun their relationship and he wasn't about to walk away now. He must have been kidding himself thinking she'd let him get away with it.
"I need you to get the crew on the evac shuttles," she said - her voice much softer - the way she talked to him when she wanted him to know that she needed him and not the way she commanded her crew. "I'll take care of Joker." she said, dismissing him. But he still couldn't walk away.
"Commander -"
"Kaidan," the soft voice responded. "Go, now!" the Commander voice chimed in. He couldn't do anything, so he did what he was good at, he followed orders.
"Aye, aye."
And that was the last time he saw her.
He should have died on the SSV Normandy that day. Instead he helped the crew to the escape shuttles and waited, waited for the final pod to land on Alchera. Waited for some sign that the woman he loved was okay while the rest of the crew tended to the wounded and counted the dead, Kaidan froze his ass off while staring up at the sky.
The final pod carried one single crew member. Joker. The stubborn sonofabitch that wouldn't leave his fucking ship. The reason Shepard was dead. The reason Kaidan was living a shell of a life.
"This isn't healthy." the glass of faux whiskey whispered to him from its space between his hands. Kaidan stared into the glass, confused. He had been blackout drunk before, but the drinks had never talked back to him. He placed his hands on the table on either side of the glass and peered into it carefully when a blue hand covered his right one. He jumped before following the hand up to meet the arm that met a shoulder that met Liara. Oh. Not the whiskey, he thought to himself.
He realized after a long moment that she was probably waiting for him to ask her to join him, but he wasn't going to try to form the words so he just kicked a chair with his foot so that it pushed back from the table a bit. It was enough, because she took it and sat down next to him.
"This isn't healthy." she repeated, and though he saw the pain in her eyes he didn't think she could possibly know what she was talking about. Well - it most certainly wasn't healthy. But what other options did he have. He tossed back the rest of his drink, missing the whiskey his dad used to get in Vancouver, meeting her eyes with defiance and not caring that he was acting like a stubborn teenager.
She was looking at him, and he couldn't make out the meaning in her eyes but for her part she didn't repeat her warning again, just sat there next to him for a while before offering to walk him home. He tried to decline her offer at first but when he stood it became apparent that he needed someone to help him home, and he figured Liara was as good as it was going to get.
The walk back to his apartment was a blur. Liara was talking to him in a mellow voice but he couldn't focus on the words. He was leaning against her and was vaguely surprised at how easily she supported his weight. It wasn't long before Kaidan's vision blurred into black.
When he awoke, Kaidan was in his bed - though he had no idea how he had gotten there. He was also stripped down to his boxers - another mystery. He was aware of three things: 1. He needed to use the bathroom, 2. He needed a glass of water and some painkillers, and 3. He was not alone in his apartment. He let his biotics flare just enough to light up the small bedroom and when he saw her sitting slumped in the chair in the corner, he remembered. Liara had come to Flux and started to lecture him about his new drinking habit and then had walked him home. That's where the memories ended though. He figured nothing happened because she was still fully clothed and sitting on the other side of the room, plus he didn't feel like he'd had sex.
Since the intruder was not an intruder and didn't pose a threat to him in her sleeping state, Kaidan let his flare recede and headed to the kitchen for his water and meds. He stopped at the bathroom on his way back to bed and took note of himself in the mirror. Miserable. He looked ten years older than he really was, and like he hadn't slept in weeks. When he crawled back into his bed, he lit up the room a bit again. She didn't stir from the light and Kaidan noticed some wear on her face as well. During his time with Shepard he had liked to conveniently forget about Liara's feelings for her. She had chosen him, and that was all that had mattered. But he wasn't the only one in love with her, and it looked like her death had taken a toll on Liara as well. There were dark circles under her eyes and her fingernails looked as though she'd been chewing them down. For a moment he took pity on her. Liara was in mourning too, and here she was taking care of him. He resolved to make her a proper breakfast in the morning to thank her, and then he let his flare fizzle as he sunk back into the bed and drifted off to sleep.
The next time he opened his eyes it was morning. This was painfully apparent by the light shining in through his bedroom window and burning an aching ring into the migraine that was already pushing through his sleep-addled brain. He rubbed a hand over his face and through his hair before getting out of bed to splash water on his face. When he was sufficiently coherent he realized the chair in the corner of his room was now empty and he could hear sounds coming from his kitchen. Shit. He hoped she wasn't trying to make him breakfast, screwing up his thankyou plan. But by the smells wafting into the bedroom he had a suspicion he might have to take over anyway.
When he approached the kitchen, Liara was whispering admonishingly to a pan of burning bacon and there was a bowl of separated liquid that looked like it was supposed to be pancake mix left forgotten on the counter. There was powdered mix coating her arms and a smattering on her cheek and the kitchen was a disaster. He couldn't help but laugh at the sight. The sound of his laughter made Liara jump and the pan clatter against the stove, which just caused him to laugh harder. She looked at him with a horrified expression, cheeks flushed in embarrassment, and eye wide with apology. When she glanced around and took in the sight that he had just walked in on, she burst into laughter with him.
After a few minutes, Kaidan was clutching his stomach - muscles sore from laughing - and Liara was wiping a tear from her cheek, they both sighed and leaned against opposite counters in the kitchen facing each other, smiles still firmly in place.
"I haven't laughed like that in weeks." Kaidan said quietly. It was true - he couldn't remember laughing once since the Normandy crashed on Alchera. The last time he could remember was in Shepard's cabin after he had found out she was ticklish behind her knee and -
No, he couldn't continue that train of thought. The fact was that he hadn't laughed in a long time because of Shepard and he was glad to have a moment free of mourning. Liara was looking at him knowingly.
"Yes, I…" she paused as though she was afraid of how he'd react to the words, then decided she needed to say them anyway. "Me either, I - haven't laughed either since…" she trailed off and Kaidan just nodded because they were on the same page here and he didn't need her to say the words.
The fell into easy conversation, its not that they weren't friends exactly, it was just clear that Liara was hurt that Shepard had chosen him. And it had seemed that she didn't want to be around him much after that. Here, without the awkwardness of the relationship that was between them, there were no hard feelings. Liara attempted to clean up her mess while Kaidan fixed the pancake batter and went to work over the stove. He was out of bacon now that the rest of his stores were now charred to bits, but he threw some sausage into another pan to saute. The meat on the Citadel was dextro-based and it was nothing like real sausage, but it would have to do. He put Liara to work on the coffee while he finished cleaning up the powder that was finding its way into every corner of the kitchen, and soon they were sitting at the small counter side-by-side, enjoying a pretty decent breakfast.
Liara audibly moaned when she took her first sip of coffee and Kaidan felt his biotics tingling at the sound. He immediately suppressed the thoughts that rushed to his head. Inappropriate and disloyal and… well.. wrong. But a second later she made an mmmm sound when she took a bite of the pancakes that he had drenched in real maple syrup from Canada and he found himself beaming at her.
"Hah, sorry, Kaidan." she managed around a mouthful of food, "I don't think I've ever had real maple syrup and it's absolutely heavenly." she said before taking another bite and making another sound that seemed all too sexual to be brought on by food. He had never enjoyed watching someone eat as much as he did watching Liara in that moment. When he reached out to clear her plate a few minutes later his hand brushed against her arm and his biotics reacted again, he thought for a moment that hers did as well but pushed it to the back of his mind while he cleaned the dishes. There was no denying that Liara was gorgeous. He thought so the first time he saw her, but in an objective way. He wasn't interested in her emotionally or sexually at the time because all he wanted was Shepard. That wasn't to say he was interested in her emotionally now, because he didn't think his heart would ever heal from losing the woman he loved. But something in him wanted her at least physically, and there was more than a little voice in the back of his head saying 'why not?'
He pushed it back again, trying to ignore the feelings that were swirling through his brain.. and his body. He didn't want to do anything with anyone but Shepard. 'But she's dead'. The traitorous voice in his head rationalized. He knew that, he did. He knew that Shepard wasn't coming back but he also knew that whatever he was feeling for Liara was rebound at its finest. It was carnal instinct, wanting to bury himself in someone else - both literally and figuratively - to forget about the source of his misery for just one day.
"Kaidan…" she whispered from somewhere behind him, placing her hand on his shoulder. He realized he was flaring - not greatly, just a small sheen of energy surrounding his body - and he tried to let it fizzle but she was wrapping her arms around him. She had mistaken his flare to be from anger, or sorrow, or something that meant he needed comforting. And if he was being honest, there might have been a little bit of anger around the edges. But when her arms encircled him he stopped thinking and turned to face her, crushing her mouth with his own. She let out a whimper that might have been protest or pleasure but it sent heat through him when it vibrated against his mouth, and he groaned into hers.
She didn't pull away from him. She left her hands at his sides, around his hips and sunk into the kiss. He thought she needed an escape as much as he did, and right now his body was screaming in triumph. He ran his hands down her back and under her ass before lifting her against him. He momentarily considered carrying her to the bedroom, but instead he held her firmly against his growing hardness and moved utensils out of the way so that he could sit her on the counter. While she was wrapped around him, she bounced a little - lifting her body up and down while using his shoulders for leverage. He made a sound in the back of his throat that would have been a moan if she hadn't been claiming his mouth with her tongue. When he finally sat her down on the counter, she arched her back - chasing the friction that they'd lost from a few moments before - and he pulled her to the edge so they could grind against each other again.
Kaidan pulled back just far enough so that he would have access to the front of her dress, and he quickly pulled the zipper down to her hip. His breath caught when he realized she wasn't wearing anything underneath.
"The fabric becomes… uncomfortable with undergarments… I wasn't planning.. I mean- I didn't intend…" she trailed off as he bent down to grasp a nipple between his teeth, and her body moved of its own accord against his coercion. Her hips were moving against his again, and he was tracing her nipple with his tongue while her breath came in quick gasps. He let the fingers of his left hand continue his work while he trailed kisses up to her collarbone, her neck, her jaw, pausing again to take her mouth and perform his own exploration with his tongue, before following the trail to the other side of her jaw, her neck, her collarbone. He took the other nipple in his mouth and she whimpered again, a sound that his body was now reacting to without a care and he felt the energy beneath her skin as her arousal increased. For just a moment he stopped to lift her from the counter so that he could pull her dress from her body, leaving her bared for him in his kitchen. It was a thrilling sight, her blue skin against the stark white counter. He had never had a woman in his apartment, Shepard being the only woman he'd been with since his return to the Alliance, and the image in front of him made his body ache with need.
He watched the color rise in her cheeks as he stared at her and marveled at her intended modesty. What a change from what he was used to. He loved it, loved seeing her shyness and knowing that in minutes he'd have her crying out.
Kaidan ran his hands from her knees to her hip, letting little jolts of energy leave his fingertips. He thought maybe Asari were used to using biotics during sex, but it was still visibly affecting her so he kept with it. When he trailed his fingers back down to her knees, he encouraged them apart and she obliged, spreading herself for him and leaning back on the counter to rest on her hands. He ran one hand up the inside of her thigh and felt her body shudder when he reached the apex. Instead of exploring her sex, he followed suit on the other leg with his other hand until both hands were at the top of her thighs, thumbs tracing light circles over the creases there. He sent another wave of energy through his fingers and she moaned.
He could see her arousal now, with her legs open to him, glistening with her need. He bent his head down and let his tongue trace her slit. She bucked her hips against him and he smiled before repeating the action. He probed at her folds with his tongue and when she began to rock into him he held her firmly in place with his left hand. He met her eyes and saw the dark fog of desire in them and he watched as he slid a finger inside of her slowly and her head fell back, eyes closed, and she let out a hoarse moan. It was all he could do to keep himself from taking her right then, but he wasn't finished. He slid a second finger in, rolling them against her until he found the right spot, and when he put his lips around her clit and sucked - hard - she shattered.
The flare wasn't visible, not like his usually would be - glowing blue for the world to see, but he could feel her energy engulfing him, sending sparks across his skin and making his body shudder. When her cries subsided, and his fingers slowed to a gentle motion, coaxing her through the aftershocks, she grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to her. She kissed him, then stopped to lick her lips - staring into his eyes with a boldness that made his cock twitch - then kissed him again, rocking into the fingers he still held inside of her while she yanked his shirt from his waistband. He had to stop to pull it over his head and before he could do anything, she pulled his hand to her face and took them in her mouth, sucking them clean. He groaned, and helped her push his pants and boxers down together, releasing his own arousal. She reached down to stroke him and he gasped at the firmness of his grip. His mind was a mess of nothingness and everythingness when she sent energy swirling around him.
"I want to fuck you." he breathed, husky and rough and he could feel her hot breath against his cheek, mixed with her own scent. She inched to the edge of the counter and guided him to her opening, teasing both of them by rocking back and forth without letting him enter her.
"I want you to." she whispered in his ear as she leaned forward, and then she bit down on his neck when he held her hips and thrust into her. His growl sounded like it came from somewhere else as her walls clenched around him and all he could think about was how tight she was and how warm and how much he had needed this. She was matching his pace with every thrust and he knew it wouldn't be long. He pulled out almost completely and met her eyes, reading their plea, and thrust in hard - relishing her yelp of surprise and pleasure. She was moaning something that he couldn't make out and he was close when she wrapped her legs around him and dug her heels into his back. When her nails scraped down his spine he lost control, flaring brilliantly and he felt her flare moments later. Their energies were waging a war against each other, fighting for dominance, prolonging the feeling of each climax. He felt her muscles clenching, drawing out every sensation as the energy pulsed around them where they were joined and he shuddered, pouring his release into her and she gasped and moaned as she followed him off the edge.
His hair was slick with sweat against his forehead, and he was panting into her shoulder while she loosely held onto his. He could feel the tensing of her muscles as the aftermath of her orgasm spread through her body. She didn't seem embarrassed anymore, and he pulled himself out of her and flashed her a smile.
"Uh, we should clean up." he said, motioning to the newly created mess in the kitchen. The remaining pancake batter was on the floor and the milk had spilled all over the counter. She smiled back at him.
"Mhm," she said in agreement, laying a hand on his shoulder and using it to hoist herself off of the counter.
He walked to the bathroom to wash up and get dressed. He let himself feel a moment of guilt before pushing it out of his head. He idly thought that if Shepard had known she was going to die, she would have wanted them to take care of each other. Her boyfriend and her best friend. He thought he could do that, maybe he wouldn't be able to give Liara his heart, but they could give each other something they both desperately needed right now - companionship, friendship, comfort. And maybe a little more from time to time…
"I think she would have wanted us to…" Liara said, looking troubled when he emerged from the bathroom. He wanted to reassure her, he didn't want her to feel guilty for this.
"I think so too." he said, in as encouraging of a voice as he could, flashing her another smile. She smiled back, and they went to work cleaning up the mess.