Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away And you feel yourself suffocating?
I sat down on the couch, playing absentmindedly with my wand while I waited for my husband, James Potter, to come home. I stared out the window, looking at the dark night sky, unclear with all of the fog. Did we all really have to involve in this war? I mean, just last week, the Prewetts were killed. They were amazing people and two of our best fighters. Voldemort even killed their 2 year old son. The stress and anxiety were killing me. I went through each night waiting, wondering, if James would even come home alive. I took in a deep breath and resumed staring out the window. So many people I loved were out there, fighting for their lives and the lives of their children right now. What if some of these people never made it back alive tonight? Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice, Frank, Marlene, and .James. I would never be able to live to breathe if James died.
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins
I let out a deep breath when I heard the door open and shut.
"LILY? Lils, are you home?"
"James!"
I ran out the door and leaped into his arms, sobbing like a baby. He slowly wrapped his arms around me as he laid me down on the couch, gently soothing me.
"I didn t know what would happen to you, James. You have to stop this. You can t fight anymore, it s killing me."
"Lils, it s not that easy. Every single person makes a difference. I know you don t want Voldemort to win. Lily, please try to understand."
"No, James. I m sorry, but you have to stay home. It s you who doesn t understand."
"Tell me why. Why should I stay at home like a mouse in its hole while other people are out there, fighting? Give me a reason Lily."
I took a deep breath. "James. I m pregnant."
He stared at me with a look of .was that disdain? Oh God, oh God no. I knew he would react like this. I knew it. He hates me now. He hates me for bringing a child into this world. I jumped up and ran from the room, sobbing all the way as I ran into the bathroom. Sobbing as my heart slowly started to rip apart. The one man I love, truly deeply love, hates me now.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
you and I
A few minutes later, there was a hesitant knock on the bathroom door. James. I grabbed my wand and pointed it at the door, which promptly flung open. James took one look at me, disheveled and broken, in ruins on the floor, and rushed over to me, scooping me up into his arms.
"Lily Potter. Did you honestly think that I would hate you because you are pregnant? With my child? I get to start a family! Oh. My. God. I M GONNA BE A DADDY!"
"You re not mad? You don t hate me?" I asked in a small voice.
He stared at me and then burst out laughing. "Lily, I ve waited forever to hear you say that. I don t care! I ll quit the Order..I ll stay at home.. whatever it takes. I M GONNA BE A DAD!"
I stared for a second, and then we started to do the weirdest happy dance that anyone has ever seen. The smallest candle flame in a time of complete darkness.
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
The next day, James quit the Order, explaining to Dumbledore why this was necessary. Of course, Albus was overjoyed for us, but there was something in his eyes that told us that he wasn t as thrilled as he wanted us to believe. I shook it off as a long lasting effect of the war. I never really knew how right I was...
THREE MONTHS LATER:
James and I were absolutely overjoyed. The baby was coming at the end of July and we were well on our way to picking out baby names, baby clothes, you name it! Then, it all changed. On a chilly winter morning, James and I heard a small knock on our door. James left the room to get the door and came back with .Albus? Why is he here?
Albus sat us down and started to tell us about a prophecy. One that would completely change our lives and the life of our unborn child. I won t go into detail, but the bottom line was that Voldemort was after our child. Our only options were to abort the baby and try again later, or to go into hiding. I instantly wrapped my arms around my stomach when I realized what this meant. Voldemort, Voldemort .was after my family. He wanted to kill us, to kill us all. To kill my baby.
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins
Both James and I were in a daze after Albus told us about the prophecy. He had taken all of the appropriate measures, using the Fidelius Charm and making Peter Pettigrew the Secret Keeper (I refused to abort the baby). I stared off into the distance, the euphoria of having a baby vanishing more and more by the second. Of course, I still loved our baby with all my heart, but to bring a baby into the world where a power crazy maniac wants to kill him this was just too much. I sat there, doing and saying nothing, as my heart was ripped apart, in the most agonizing way, into a million pieces. Neither James nor I said anything, because we knew that words were empty and that eventually, regardless of charms or safety measures, that Voldemort would find us, would come for us.
We sat like that for days, only moving to use the bathroom, not eating, not really sleeping. Just in a huge daze that didn t seem to be going away. The tiny flicker of hope, the candle flame in the darkness had been extinguished. It died away in one quick motion, leaving behind darkness and despair.
Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?
Eventually, James and I healed a little bit, but the full baby euphoria was never there again. As our despair grew, as our hearts burned with sorry, guilt, and regret for our unborn child, we grew closer, brought together by the tragedies of a war. Every day I looked at my child and wondered if it would forgive me for what I was putting it through.
MIDNIGHT: JULY 31st
I had the baby. He was the cutest most wonderful baby boy I could ever ask for. He had James untidy mop of black hair and my glowing green eyes. We named him Harry James Potter, and we took him home very soon after.
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins
I was happy, happy that I had a beautiful baby boy to look after. I was also sad, sad that he was doomed to the terrible fate that he was. I couldn t very well start to regret my actions now, Harry was already born and Voldemort was looking for us. In life, there is no re-do button. There is no rewinding and no regret. In life, there are no second chances. When that last flame died, I had nothing to live for, but everything to live for. My family was doomed death and I had accepted this, willingly, because there was nothing I could do about it. Although that flame died, I knew that I had to light another flame. Not one of hope, not one of life. One of love. The strongest kind of love I had ever known. The love between a mother and her son. All I could do was light this flame and hope that it would preserve my son, Harry, when the inevitable happened. When Voldemort eventually came for us.
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I
OCTOBER 31st (One Year Later)
He came for us. Voldemort. As I knew he would. James tried to save me, tried to save Harry, but I heard the spell, saw the flash of green light, heard his body fall to the ground. I ran up to the nursery and planted myself in front of Harry, refusing to move. I stood there, tears running down my face, as I lit that last flame, as the spell was screamed into my face, as the flash of green light filled the room. I crumpled to the ground, using my last burst of energy, my last thoughts, to make that small flame erupt into a barrier between my son and the evil wizard who was trying to kill him. Voldemort s spell, intended for Harry, backfired onto himself, the force of the collision blowing open our house. Voldemort disappeared and Harry was The Boy Who Lived. I descended into death as I saw Hagrid and Sirius come for Harry. I had succeeded, because I am Lily Potter, and no one .NO ONE .touches my son.