I, Remember

Chapter 1

I remember my father as a good and loving man with me.

I remember my father as my hero and my saviour.

I remember my father as the man who taught me to walk, eat, talk and play the funniest games that other parents did not want to play with their children.

I remember him as clearly as if I were in front of him, as if he had never left. I know that for me he will never leave, he will always remain in my memory, as will my memories with him. My happiest memories of childhood.

My father is Paul Spector, and I am his daughter.

I am Olivia Spector.

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So many rules to obey despite being the one who visits. I know that I must respect them because otherwise I will not be able to see him. I consider them unnecessary but it seems that I am the only person who thinks in such a way.

I know it is not a prison but it looks like it. There are no bars but there are cells, although these are private rooms with private bathrooms. For me it is still the place where my father remains trapped. And not only physically. His mind is also trapped because he never managed to recover his memory.

When I was a little girl and they took my father away, my mother asked me if I believed everything people said about my father. I answered with a resounding no, because it was what I felt at the moment. And because it is what I still feel today. Paul Spector can be a monster for others, a manic murderer that ended the lives of many people. But for me, he is still that devoted and affectionate father who gave me the strangest gifts he found.

My mother could never accept that I didn't change my mind. She even tried to commit suicide in a car with my brother Liam and me inside. I know she was suffering for everything that happened, but I will never forgive her for trying to hurt us. I talked to her about that night years after, and she told me that she was just trying to find a way to erase the pain my father had caused us. I screamed at her that she was stupid because my father never hurt us. He did not hurt us in any way, but that is my opinion and she couldn't accept it.

Liam neither.

I guess that's the reason why I do have no contact with my mother, and I barely talk to my little brother. They chose a side. They chose to blame my father and hold him responsible for their pain. But I could not. I felt unable to hold him responsible for what happened. He was not driving the car that the ocean swallowed that night. It wasn't him who tried to kill us to relieve the pain. And although I have tried forgiving my mother, I am not able to.

"Miss Spector, wait here, please."

The nurses – although they look more like jailers – are kind to me. They always treat me with respect and keep their opinions to themselves. It is something I'm thankful for, but I am also aware they look at me with fear. As if I was somehow going to hurt them for being my father's daughter.

"Your father is waiting for you."

Ten years have passed. Ten long years in which I have missed him so much. He has not seen me growing up or become the woman I am now. I only saw him once before he was taken from the hospital, and our only communication throughout this time has been by letter. I give thanks for that, because it has allowed me to tell him many things, including sending him photographs of me and how much I've grown up.

I know I'm only eighteen, but I'm aware that my father will always be seen as a monster. That I can not change, and I will continue to believe in him until the last moment.

"Livvy." His deep voice pulled me out of my own thoughts and drew a smile on my lips.

Livvy. This is how he has always called me. It doesn't matter that I'm an adult woman, for him I am still his little girl.

"Hi, dad." I greeted him whispering. "I'm very glad to see you face to face at last."

"It's been a long time." He sat down in front of me and grabbed both my hands as he had done since I was a child.

"I've missed you so much…" My voice choked and tears flooded my eyes. For the next few minutes I could only cry for joy.