Let it go, an avengers fanfic

Let it go.

A story told in two parts.

From walking home and talking loads

Seeing shirts in evening clothes with you

From nervous touch and getting drunk

To staying up and waking up with you

It was exhausting to keep hating, to wake up shouting the name of a person long gone from his life, from his skin and soul. It took a lot of himself living in the past, he saw his wrist and remember what it was once upon a time and what it's now; a bitter mix of disappointment, fear and few fickle embers of love.

Because even if Steve's name was not longer tattooed in his skin, it didn't magically erase all his feelings, too his displeasure. No matter the rage he felt and the end of his soulmate letter, or the sick satisfaction afterward when he sent the picture of his blank wrist. No, all of it came again little by little waking him up of his numbness; making him face his new reality.

A life without Steve Rogers as his soulmate.

But, all habits were hard to disappear and Tony often cached himself tracing a penmanship that wasn't longer there, weeks after the fight in Siberia, in those long meetings trying to fix the mess that the battle left, just…just trying to reach an agreement and made the Sokovia Accords something worth it. Worth losing his teammates, because otherwise he'll go crazy.

Tony sighed and stared hard at his tumbler of whisky, something expensive that go hot and easy in his throat and makes his stomach settles for the first time in the day, talking about old habits. It was okay, it was just to take the edge, to ease himself to finally sleep. Just an hour, before the night terrors came and made it impossible to rest.

Today was an especially difficult day, he shouted at Peter. He felt like Howard after that.

"No, this is where you zip it, alright? The adult is talking! What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? 'Cause that's on you. And if you died, I feel like that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience."

"Yes sir. I..." Peter tried to defend himself.

"Yes." He interrupted, Peter disappeared and someone taller, blond took his place.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it." Tony didn't know who he was telling that.

"I understand. I just-I just wanted to be like you." Peter explained, choking almost crying.

"And I wanted you to be better. Okay, it's not working out. I'm gonna need the suit back."

"For how long?"

"Forever."

Peter started to cry and Tony felt like shit, but the kid was his responsibility.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's how it works."

"No, no. Please."

"Let's have it." Tony said tired, he didn't like what he was doing but it was for the kid's wellbeing, even if Peter didn't understand it now.

"You don't understand! Please, this is all I have! I'm nothing without this suit!" Spider-man pleaded.

"If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it, okay? God, I sound like my dad."

He has had to buy the kid clothes. But he still stands by what he told him, he wanted Peter to be better than him, to be a better hero…he is the next step. Nonetheless, he wished that he hadn't shouted.

He drank and hoped, like Howard, to forget how he wasn't a good man.

The kid almost died.

"You screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing: you took the dog to the free clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... alright, not my best analogy. I was wrong about you. I think with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team."

"To the, to the... to the team?"

He almost made the kid an Avenger, yep not ready to be a role model. Thank to heaven that Peter had common sense and told him no.

He did not propose to anybody, but he touched his wrist after the press conference and wished for what he still did not know.

Now we're slipping near the edge

Holding something we don't need

Oh, this delusion in our heads

Is gonna bring us to our knees

He sometimes opened the flip-flop cellphone and almost called.

There were several texts in the draft folder. Something like:

"I want to talk…I don't know how"

"I don't think I can ever forgive you"

"I hate you"

"Sorry I lied, I don't, but I wish I could"

"I miss you, but I don't want to see you"

"I wish you killed me"

Yeah, he will never send those.

There was a reporter, he didn't remember her name, only that it was at the year and three months since the 'Civil War' like the media dubbed it.

"Did you miss them?" the reported asked, it was the last question after an hour of a row of enquires of the new Accords.

"I beg your pardon?" he mustn't have heard it well.

"Did you miss your old team?"

Not the ex-Avengers, terrorist, convicts as some of his fellow reporters referred to them, and Tony doubted his answer.

Did he miss them? Yeah sometimes, but it was sometimes as well that it was easier to breath without them, without fearing to disappoint them, to not be worthy enough to be in the same team as them. Okay more than sometimes and it scared him.

He did not miss the old dynamic, his old team.

"No, not really" Cheeky, full of himself, just like Tony Stark.

But he missed his family and he had to protect the future, and if a lie can do both, he will be a liar as often as in required.

So, come on, let it go

Just let it be

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

Everything that's broke

Leave it to the breeze

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

He dreamt about this moment years ago, no one believed him when he told them.

"It was Wanda"

"It was the PTSD"

"It's only a dream"

"Together"

They lost…they were not together, Steve lied again, but he was not surprised anymore.

" , I don't feel so good" Peter begun to disappear in his arms.

"You're alright." He lied.

"I don't, I don't know what's happening. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. Mr. Stark, please. Please. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I'm sorry."

He lost the kid.

From throwing clothes across the floor

To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you

If this is all we're living for

Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore?

I used to recognize myself

It's funny how reflections change

When we're becoming something else

I think it's time to walk away

His wrist was still blank, he didn't feel anything in the bond the last two years. It's like Steve was never there.

However, he kept tracing a familiar penmanship in the inner part, letters that were not more, that lived only in memories. It still comforted him, in a way; he hated himself for it.

Twenty-something days in space, watching something that used to make him have panic attacks. Several of them with fever.

Almost all of them full of regrets.

So, he felt his knees weakened at his first step in the Earth. To see Steve run at him, to see him for the first time in two years.

"I couldn't stop him." He told him, when Steve took him from Nebula.

"Neither could I." Steve replied, hugging him.

"I lost the kid."

"Tony, we lost."

The anger came later.

"I said we'd lose. You said, "We'll do that together too." Well, guess what, Cap? We lost, and you weren't there. But that's what we do, right? Our best work after the fact? We're the Avengers? We're the Avengers. Not the Prevengers, right?"

He shouted and shouted and shouted.

They lost.

Half of the Universe existed no more.

"Bunch of tired old wheels. I got nothing for you, Cap. I've got no coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options. Zero, zip, nada. No trust, liar."

He ripped off his reactor and put it in Steve's hand.

"Here, take this. You find him and you put that on." He showed him his blank wrist. "We are not more."

And he collapsed.

It was dark, it was nothing.

So come on, let it go

Just let…

A/N: I cried with End Game, and it put on perspective my ideas about this verse. Hope you like it.

Also, The title of the song is "Let it go" by James Bay. Thanks to that song I was able to write this. Now to search something for Steve, it's always a lot more complicated to write him for some unknown reason.