The disclaimer saying that I don't own Invader Zim has been eaten by a ravenous stuffed boar. Just a fun mad one shot from my deranged mind.
Tea Party of Darkness
"I'M GOING TO STOP YOU ZIM!" Dib yelled.
"NEVER! I WILL DESTROY YOU DIB MONKEY!" Zim screamed back. "AND I SHALL WITH THIS CLEVER DEVICE!"
"That's not a clever device! That's a banana!" Dib shouted.
"No, it's not!"
"Yes it is! I saw Gir take it from my counter!" Dib snapped. They were in Dib's kitchen. It was a Saturday and Zim had gotten into a habit lately of staging 'raids' at Dib's house on Saturday. Mainly the only thing the 'raids' did was cause a lot of food being thrown as well as insults.
"Huh…" Zim blinked at the yellow fruit in his hand. "Gir! Where's the Disintegratron 4000 I told you to hold onto for me?"
"I dunno," Gir shrugged. He was in his green dog suit. There was a smoldering pile of ash standing next to him.
"Gir…Did you hit the self destruct button on the Disintergration 4000 again?" Zim's red eye twitched. Since it was Dib's house and he knew no one else but his sister would be home he threw off his human disguise as soon as he entered the building.
"Uh…maybe?" Gir said.
"Gir! That's the fifth disintegration weapon you destroyed this week!" Zim snapped. "Those are very expensive Gir! I'm starting to think I can't trust you with anything!"
"How do you pay for that stuff anyway?" Dib blinked.
"Oh I just put it on Invader Credit," Zim waved. "Every invader has one."
"Except for Zim. He hacked into the Tallests' personal account," Gir spoke.
"Hey! It is not hacking! It's redistribution of vital funds needed for the mission!" Zim shouted. "Stop telling the enemy vital information!"
"But you were telling him vital information," Gir was confused.
"No, I wasn't!" Zim shouted.
"Yeah you kind of were," Dib said.
"Shut your mouth Dib Monkey!" Zim snapped. "This does not concern a lowly primate like yourself!"
"When the fate of the Earth is at stake it is!" Dib struck what he considered to be a heroic pose. "It's over Zim! AAHHHHH!" He leapt forward and tackled Zim.
"You dare put your inferior grubby hands on Zim? That's it! Take that and that and…OW!" Zim yelled as the two rolled around in the kitchen.
"This is for Earth! OW! And this is for making a fool out of me! OW! And this is for…AGH! This is just because I don't like you very much!" Dib yelled as they fought.
"Well I don't like you at all! OW!" Zim yelled. "I hate you!"
"I hate you more Zim!" Dib yelled. "STOP PULLING MY HAIR!"
"I loathe every fiber of your being!" Zim yelled. "I'll stop pulling on your hair when you stop pulling on my antennae!"
"I wonder if there's any nachos in here?" Gir opened the refrigerator.
SLAM!
Both enemies stopped fighting and looked up. There was Gaz with a very angry scowl on her face. Of course she always had an angry scowl on her face but this time she had something else as well. A very large hat with feathers on it. "Hey! She's got a hat!" Gir stated the obvious.
"Uh oh…" Dib gulped. He knew what was coming. "Not the hat! Not the hat! That means…"
"I want to play tea party," Gaz spoke calmly with a hint of malice in her voice.
"Oh boy…" Dib stood up quickly and fidgeted. "I knew it!"
"Ha! You get to play tea party with your sister!" Zim cackled. "Uh what's tea party?"
"Is that like Frisbee golf?" Gir asked as he ate some whipped cream.
"You two! You're playing too!" Gaz pointed to the alien and his robot.
"YAY! I get to play Frisbee!" Gir jumped up and down excitedly. "I'll get the mallets!"
"Foolish human female," Zim brushed himself off. "Zim does not play! Zim only destroys!"
"Zim trust me on this," Dib spoke with terror in his voice. "You can't get out of this. Once Gaz says she wants you to play tea party, you play tea party! End of story! End of discussion!"
"No Dib Stink! I will not play tea party!" Zim snarled.
"We're playing tea party," Gaz snarled, she raised her eyebrow.
"Ha! Stupid Gaz! Zim will not play your stupid human game!" Zim sneered. At this Gaz raised an eyebrow. "Zim does not have time for inferior female childish games! Zim has a world to conquer!"
"I warned him," Dib rolled his eyes. He quietly shuffled to the side out of the line of fire.
Zim snickered at the thought of the younger human female ordering him about. Then he noticed some figures entering the room. "Huh?"
Next to Gaz were some frightening stuffed animals. A large stuffed grey pig with hair and tusks and glowing red eyes. A stuffed red squirrel with very large teeth and red glowing eyes. A tough looking brown bunny rabbit with glowing blue eyes and very sharp teeth. A large grey stuffed timber wolf with glowing red eyes snarled as well. "Toys…Get Zim," Gaz ordered.
"AAAHHH!" Zim ran in terror from the sinister stuffed animals. They managed to corner him and started to attack. "OWWW! OWWW! OKAY! ZIM WILL PLAY! ZIM WILL PLAY! MAKE THE HURTING STOP! MAKE IT STO-OPP!"
"Is this how you play tea party?" Gir asked Dib.
"Not exactly," Dib snickered as the stuffed animals tortured Zim. "But I could get into this."
"Stop," Gaz ordered. The stuffed animals stopped. Zim lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. "Bring 'em." The stuffed boar grabbed Zim by the scruff of the neck and dragged him to Gaz's room. Dib obediently moved ahead of the growling stuffed wolf and Gir happily skipped along following the stuffed squirrel and bunny rabbit.
Zim was unceremoniously deposited on a small wooden chair around a small table. The table had some purple tea party cups and accessories.
"Stay!" Gaz ordered as Dib and Gir patiently took their places in similar chairs.
"What are these things?" Zim shuddered as the stuffed animals growled at them.
"A while ago my Dad made some interactive animals for Gaz to play with," Dib explained. "Then my sister made some…modifications."
The stuffed wolf barked at Dib and snapped at him. "Nice wolf! Dib's not going anywhere…" Dib gulped.
"I like making new friends!" Gir grinned. The stuffed rabbit bit Gir's head but Gir didn't pay any attention to that.
"Does Gaz do this…tea party thing often?" Zim whispered as he saw Gaz throw out several fancy hats, feather boas and other clothes out of a black trunk.
"I was kind of hoping she was over this stuff," Dib muttered. "She hasn't wanted to play tea party in over a year."
"There now! Let's get ready," Gaz smiled. She put feather boas and fancy hats on the savage dolls. She pulled the ravenous rabbit off Gir's head and stuck a feather hat on both heads.
"I feel pretty!" Gir said cheerfully.
"What is all this…Fripper frooery?" Zim recoiled at the sight of dolls and feather boas and hats everywhere.
"Zim it's a human female thing," Dib explained as best he could. "Just go with the flow."
"Dib you were good today so you get to be Mister Pinklesworth," Gaz put a bowler hat on Dib's head and stuck on a clip on bowtie on his neck.
"Okay…I mean..." Dib coughed and adopted a British accent. "Very good my lady, pip pip cheerio!"
"Why are you talking like that?" Zim did a double take. "That hat? That's a brain scrambling device isn't it?"
"No, you idiot, it's a British accent," Gaz snarled. "I wish it was a brain scrambling device. Then again your brains are already scrambled." She slammed on a particularly frilly dress on Zim. Then a huge hat and a feather boa. "You are Miss Prissy Pants."
"I am not Miss Prissy Pants! I am Zim! I am…"Zim began to rant when several very menacing growls from the stuffed animals surrounding him forced him to rethink his statement. "I mean…Yes…I am Miss Prissy Pants."
"Good now everyone drink your tea," Gaz smiled as she sat down.
"There's nothing in the cups," Zim blinked.
"Drink…your…tea," Gaz hissed.
Dib obediently drank his 'tea'. "I say Lady Gaz," He continued in his British accent. "Jolly good tea." He then mimed eating something. "And such buttery crumpets. Haven't had crumpets this good since I left London."
"There's nothing there…" Zim was horrified.
"Why Miss Prissy Pants, are you blind?" Dib went on, secretly enjoying Zim's horror. "Lady Gaz has laid out a most scrumptious repast."
Gir ate his teacup. "Yum! Yum! More please!"
"Drink your tea Miss Prissy Pants," Gaz snarled. So did the stuffed animals.
Zim nervously 'drank' the tea. "Madness…" He muttered to himself. The planet Earth was far stranger and more deserving of destruction than he thought.
"Yes this tea is quite tasty," Dib went on play acting as if his life depended on it. (Knowing Gaz it probably was.) "It reminds me of the time I went to Lady Gavington Smythe's picnic by the lake. It was a particularly sunny day as I recall…"
"That's enough Mister Pinklesworth," Gaz cut him off.
"Right-o," Dib shut up quickly. This should be good, he thought to himself.
"Miss Prissy Pants…" Gaz glared at Zim.
"What? What? What do you want from Zim?" Zim snapped. "You want me to talk about tea and food that does not exist? Or talk in a stupid accent like the brainwashed Dib Squib? What do you want from me?"
WHACK!
Gaz yanked out a parasol from somewhere and whapped Zim on the head with it. "OW! What do you want? OW! OW!" Gaz kept whacking him. "This is madness! Ow! Ow! What do you want? Tell me what you want! AAAHHHHHH!"
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
"Tell me what you want Zim to do!" Zim screamed.
"Grrrrr!" Gaz snarled. She pulled out a small taser and electrocuted Zim.
"AGGGGGLLEGLGGLGLEEGLEE!" Zim screamed.
"You were saying…?" Gaz asked.
Zim had a dazed look on his face. He took a pretend sip of tea then spoke in a high funny voice. "Why this is the love-liest tea I ever drank! Yum yummy yum yums!"
Zim's head then fell down on the table, some drool leaking from his mouth. "I'll have what he's having," Gir chirped.
It took all of Dib's self control not to laugh out loud at Zim's predicament. Well self control and fear. "Yes…Lovely tea…"
"Good…" Gaz smirked. "I'm glad you liked your tea. Because it was filled with poison!"
"POISON?" Zim jerked his head up.
Dib knew what to do next. "ACK! NO! Poison! I'm dying!" He hammed up a death scene and collapsed on the table. "Ugh…"
"How did you poison Zim? How?" Zim screamed. "It's in the hats isn't it? AGGGH!" Zim tore off the hat and tore it to pieces.
"Zim just shut up and play along," Dib hissed out of the side of his mouth.
"I will not play along to my death!" Zim yelled. "But I won't go alone! Die!" Zim tackled Gaz.
"Oh no…" Dib winced.
CRASH! SMASH! BREAK! SNARL! SLASH! POW!
Zim was thrown across the room. "You actually…touched me!" Gaz snarled. "Get 'em!"
"Uh oh…" Gir blinked as the stuffed animals growled. Then they attacked.
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH! PUMMEL!
"AAAH! THE HURTING! STOP THE HURTING!" Zim yelled.
"OW! Gaz no! Why? I was good!" Dib screamed in pain.
"Because he's your stupid alien friend that's why!" Gaz yelled.
"HE'S NOT MY FRIEND! HE'S TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Dib yelled. "WHAT KIND OF FRIEND DOES THAT? OWWWW!"
SMASH! CRASH!
Gaz snapped her fingers. Gir, Dib and Zim were crumpled in a heap on the floor. "Ohhhh…I don't feel so good," Gir moaned. His dog costume was ripped and one of his eyes had popped out of it's socket.
"Okay. I'm done. Now get out of my room," Gaz motioned to her stuffed animals. Which threw them out the door. Gaz then slammed the door behind them.
"Ow…Dib Monkey…Zim has no time to take over the Earth today…" Zim twitched in agony. "Need to spend time…in healing chamber."
"Yeah I'm gonna have to take a pass at catching you…" Dib groaned. "How's Tuesday sound?"
"Better…Make it Wednesday…" Zim twitched again.
"Yeah…Wednesday is good," Dib moaned. "I think some of my skin will grow back then."
"Observation…Human females are scary!" Gir groaned as he lay on the ground.
"Tell me about it…" Dib groaned as he twitched on the ground.