Frankly My Dear

"We will resume in twenty minutes," the conference leader, Dr. Leister, announced and like robots, everyone in the audience rose to their feet simultaneously.

Hawkeye and B.J. filed out of the auditorium with all the other doctors, grateful for the break and the opportunity to stretch their legs and get some food.

"That guy couldn't have been more boring if he'd tried," Hawkeye complained, rubbing the back of his neck. "My eyes glazed over after only five minutes… and then he rambled on for another couple hours!"

B.J., shrugging, said, "I actually thought he was interesting."

"You would," Hawkeye shot back. "You find everyone interesting."

"He spoke in a bit of a monotone, I'll give you that. But he made some fascinating points—"

Just then, as they entered the cafeteria along with most of the rest of the crowd, Hawkeye grabbed B.J. by the arm, almost bringing him to a halt. "Whoa. Do you see what I see?"

Not missing a beat, B.J. sang out with enthusiasm: "A star, a star, dancing in the night, with a tail as big as a kite—"

Hawkeye shot him a look. "That wasn't an invitation for you to launch into a Christmas carol, you nut!" He pointed, "Up ahead, at about 2 o'clock. See?"

B.J. followed the gesture and yeah, sure enough, he did see what was agitating Hawkeye. As it should agitate him. As it was already starting to agitate B.J. Well, except for the fact that it was actually kind of funny. "Well well," he said with a bit of a chuckle, "Frank Burns, as we live and breathe. Who woulda thought? Won't it be nice to get caught up?"

Hawkeye's expression was murderous. "You aren't actually thinking… Beej, we are not going to go talk to him. No way. Nuh uh." Just then Frank seemed to look in their general direction, and Hawkeye dove behind B.J. in a panic.

"Are you hiding?" B.J. asked, incredulous. He tried to turn and face Hawkeye, but Hawkeye kept on turning too, to stay safely shielded behind him. "C'mon Hawk, it's not like he's the devil incarnate. You don't want to chat up an old Army buddy?"

"Buddy? Did you just say 'buddy?' Beej, I do not want to talk to Frank Burns! Why on earth would you? He made our lives a living hell when we all shared the Swamp. It was our happiest day in Korea when we learned he was gone for good. How can you be even slightly intrigued by the fact that he's here?"

"How can you not be?" B.J. countered.

Hawkeye, apparently forgetting that he was trying to hide, came out from behind his partner and gave him a pointed stare. "Beej, we are a couple. We are two men who are romantically involved. You know how he's going to react to that! Tolerance is not in the man's vocabulary. Are you really in the mood for a morality lecture?"

B.J. spread his hands. "What makes you think he's going to know? Don't be paranoid, Hawk. We're not wearing big red signs that say 'homosexual.' Don't tell him and he won't know."

"My love for you is written all over my face, it's evident in everything I do," Hawkeye claimed with a flourish.

B.J. only rolled his eyes, and then yes, he did it… he raised a hand to catch Frank's attention, even as his partner moaned in protest at his side. "Hey Frank! Yoo hoo! Over here!"

They watched as Frank looked every which way before finally zeroing in on them, and the shocked look on his face was worth any potentially embarrassing encounter to come. B.J. burst into laughter as he imagined a thought bubble above Frank's head with the words: Oh nerts!

But actually, once the initial surprise wore off, Frank's expression melted into a genuine smile, and he made his way over to them. Hawkeye, anxious, shifted from one foot to the other. B.J. said out of the corner of his mouth, "Relax. This won't hurt a bit."

"Uh huh," was the dubious reply.

And then Frank was there, right in front of them, looking delighted to see them, giggling his Frank Burns giggle. "Hi you guys!" he said. He too was bouncing a little on his feet, excited but not a secure enough man to embrace his old tentmates.

"Hey Frank," B.J. said, settling for a handshake. "How are you doing? Look at you—you haven't changed a bit!"

That compliment was met with only another giggle, and then Frank offered his hand to Hawkeye, who reluctantly shook. "It's a surprise to see you two at a medical conference," he said.

B.J., taking the lead in this conversation since Hawkeye was apparently loathe to speak to his former nemesis, said, "We don't go to many, but this one was right in our backyard, so why not?"

Frank cocked his head, apparently trying to make sense of the fact that Hawkeye now lived in San Francisco, but then he abruptly jumped tracks to a different subject entirely. "Have either of you heard from Margaret? I've often wondered about her… how she's doing… if she's married. I did hear she divorced that Penobsnot guy."

"Penobscot," B.J. corrected.

"Hmmph!" was Frank's reaction to that. "He never did treat her right, I'll bet. I didn't like that guy from the start."

"The last I heard from Margaret, she was working in Boston and doing very well. I don't know if she married again." B.J. glanced over at the uncharacteristically mute Hawkeye. "Hawk? Do you know?"

Hawkeye only shook his head no.

Frank's expression turned a little derisive. "What's the matter, Pierce, cat got your tongue? That'd be a first."

It almost looked like Hawkeye was going to fake laryngitis and add not a single word to this conversation. But then, once he decided he was going to go ahead and actually speak to Frank Burns, the floodgates opened. His words came out fast, though there was no real animosity in his tone. Just a flat matter-of-factness. "Frank, you know what, Margaret may not have found her Mr. Right in Penobscot, but she didn't have a future with you either. You were a married man and you strung her along… you used her. I still don't know what the two of you thought you were doing, but she came to her senses when she put an end to it, if you ask me. And guess what? Some time after you left, I slept with her—"

Frank managed to get in edgewise an aghast, "You did not!"

"I did. Didn't I, Beej?" He didn't wait for an answer, only barreled on. "I did, we had a brief fling, me and Margaret. And it was great. And afterward we actually got to be friends. And you know what else? B.J. and I are a couple now. There, what do you think of that, Burns?" Again, he may have asked a question, but he didn't stop long enough to allow a reply. He was on some kind of a crazy roll now, as both B.J. and Frank watched him in bewilderment. "Yeah, that's right, Beej and I are in love. He got divorced, and we live together and we're happy and it's a beautiful thing. Does that offend you? Do you think that's deviant? Well so what, we don't care if you approve or not. You were just somebody we had to tolerate until you left camp, Frank. And let me tell you, nobody cried a river when you did. Most of us were pretty relieved. And oh by the way, your replacement ended up being this Boston blue blood who was about a million times better a doctor than you, and he was insufferable in a lot of ways, but at least he had the talent to back it up." As quickly as he'd gotten riled up, Hawkeye wound down, finally out of ammunition. It'd been a release, apparently, and some of the words had certainly been cruel, but he had spoken without anger or passion, which was probably why Frank was standing there just taking it all in with a strangely blank expression on his face.

Until, after a long moment, he actually started to laugh. Hawkeye and B.J. looked at each other and then back at Frank, confused. "Oh you guys!" he exclaimed. "You always were a real kidder, Pierce! That's all good stuff. You had me going for a second. You and Margaret…? That's rich. And the two of you guys…? And a replacement surgeon who was better than me?" His hyena-like laugh carried around the room. "Very funny. You got me good. Next you'll be telling me that Klinger got promoted after I left."

"Actually, he did—"

Now Burns went off into complete hysterics. B.J. couldn't help smiling. At least there wasn't going to be any fistfight to break up. Hawkeye, for his part, looked bamboozled, as if he had no idea how to react to this reaction.

As it turned out, neither he nor B.J. would have the opportunity to take the conversation any further, as Dr. Leister approached them at that moment. "Dr. Burns?"

Frank was still laughing but regained his composure quickly in the presence of the conference leader. "Yes, sir."

"Are you prepared to deliver your lecture, Doctor? We'll be back from break soon."

Hawkeye glanced at B.J. with eyebrows raised and then sputtered at Frank, "You? You're the afternoon speaker?"

Frank nodded. "That's right, I've got the entire afternoon session. 'Twenty Compelling Arguments in Favor of Surgical Shortcuts.'" Then, to Leister, he said, "Yes sir, I'm ready. Right behind you, sir."

With a good-natured smile, as if they were the three best friends in all the world, he waved to his former 4077th colleagues and followed Leister out of the cafeteria.

Still reeling from the whole encounter, B.J. and Hawkeye stood silently for a few minutes, watching Frank go. Then, at exactly the same instant, they turned to each other and said, "Let's get the hell out of here!"

They bolted from the medical conference and never looked back.