If you had asked me what kind of person I was in my last life… well, honestly, I don't think I'd be able to give you a straight answer.

But if I had to choose, I'd say "a bystander." For a number of reasons.

First, my personality. I'm the kind of guy who snarks his way through life, and take whatever pleasure I can in knocking people down a peg if I think they deserve it. Naturally, that doesn't exactly endear me to others. Consequently, I'd spent most of my recent years practically friendless. Oh, sure, I'd had nice acquaintances before, but all of those were completely situational and under no control of my own, like classroom seat assignments and other such things.

Second, my outlook on life. I spent every second of every day constantly thinking of the worst situation possible that could happen to me at any given moment, even if it was completely irrational. See a tree swaying around? Maybe it could fall on top of me. Wield a kitchen knife? It might slip around and cut me. Working with dangerous chemicals during chemistry class? I could get some of it on my skin, and they may be acidic. Walking down some stairs? I could trip, fall, and break my neck. Striding down a crosswalk? A surprise car doing 100 or above could suddenly zip in and turn me into a red stain on the road. Some big, boxy electrical device starts beeping? It could be a second away from going up in flames and sending shrapnel all around. Stroll past some unscrupulous-looking guy on the street? He could turn around any moment, pull out a heater from somewhere, and shoot me in the back of the head.

Yeah. When you perpetually live by Murphy's Law taken up to eleven, then squared, you quickly pick up how to avoid potentially dangerous situations. You learn how to keep your head down, keep walking, and pretend nothing's happening behind you. Which is why I'd say "I'm a bystander."

It's because I was completely consumed by fear, all day, every day. Call it what you want, sugarcoat it even, but it didn't change the cold, hard fact that at my core, I was but one thing.

A coward.

So now, you may be able to understand my reaction when I found myself in a particular room. One with immaculate marble pillars, a black-and-white tiled floor that stretched on forever into an expanse of black, a simple wooden chair for me to sit on, a throne, a small table next to the chair, and a certain silver-haired maiden sitting on the throne.

Oh, no.

Of course, that wasn't the only factor contributing to my reaction.

You see, because of my predisposition towards dangerous situations, I would often find myself staying inside my own home, along with the other three members of my family. As you may imagine, there wasn't a whole lot to do cooped up in a house as average as ours… except the one pastime that had completely taken over my life ever since I was three.

Said pastime being "go on the computer and start messing around."

(Actually, at the time it was "start up the PS1 and play CTR," but that doesn't work in this instance.)

And that was how I discovered the many wonders of the beautiful place we humans like to call "The Internet."

It was also the first of many hours, days, weeks, months, and years spent simply with my face glued to a monitor, and my hands stuck to a keyboard and mouse. (And a controller, when the situation called for it.)

I discovered a myriad of different things from the web. Some good, some bad, and many more that I was indifferent to.

One of said things was a certain fictional story written by an eastern author, adapted into comic form by an eastern artist, and eventually animated by a studio somewhere in the world. It's name? Konosuba. Short for "Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku wo," which when translated to English, came out as "God's Blessings on this Wonderful World." (Or sometimes "Blessings of God," but that's semantics.) It chronicled the hilarious misadventures of Japanese shut-in otaku Kazuma and his not-so-merry band of "companions" in a world designed to subvert every single existing trope related to stories of the isekai genre.

Why is that important, you ask? Well, I'll tell you why. See, the show began when the main character was sent off to… "purgatory," let's call it, after suffering an extremely humiliating and completely ridiculous sleep-deprived-hallucination-induced death. Once there, he met a goddess who offered him two options: reincarnate as a baby, or go on to heaven. When neither of those choices interested him, she notified him about a third option: be transported to a fantasy world that worked like a role-playing game with his body and memories intact, along with one completely overpowered item of his choice. He took the third option, but when choosing an item, the goddess mistakenly pissed him off to the point where he ended up picking her instead of an overpowered item. To both their shock, the request was approved, and they were both sent off to the other world.

Anyway, as for how that relates to this, that "purgatory" I was talking about? Well… there was no mistaking that I was currently residing in that exact place.

Which meant that I had died.

Which also meant that I would be faced with the same choice between heaven, reincarnation, and getting shipped off.

And… well, if you knew me before, you'd know that I'd probably be nothing but an empty shell in heaven. No entertainment means no video games or action, and without those, I'd completely lose the will to live. (Though, admittedly, I'd never be able to work up the courage to commit suicide. Not that I'd be able to, anyway - it's freaking heaven.)

I also wasn't very keen on living through my baby days again. I may have only been 16 at this time, but be honest with yourself: do you really want to go through puberty again? Because I sure as hell didn't.

So the only choice left was being shipped off to the one world that loves to screw over anybody and everybody.

On the plus side, well… I didn't have to deal with the universe's single most annoying goddess. I had all the time in the world to figure out exactly what I wanted, and how I wanted it, since even if I did have a time limit, the woman sitting across from me was way too polite to actually enforce it. I figured that the most I'd get from her was the occasional reminder and some token resistance. Nothing too terribly serious.

(I did feel a little bad about potentially manipulating her to an extent, but that was quickly disregarded. Yes, yes, I know, I'm a dick.)

That being said, however… I still thought it would be in good taste to go as fast as possible, so I set my mind to figuring out what would best suit me for this lifelong venture into the unknown.

Or I would have, if not for the interruption.

"Ah… sir? Are you okay?"

ERIS

Fortune favors the bold

I blinked. Then my brain caught up with me, dope-slapped me, then compelled me to respond.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I don't think it's hit me yet, honestly, so I'm trying to do all my thinking while I'm still emotionally stable. You don't mind, do you?"

She looked a little taken off-guard, but I supposed that was par for the course, given my unusual mannerisms.

"N-no, of course not. Take your time. We can begin when you're ready."

Oh, she must still think I'm in the dark about all this. Better fix that up.

"I do know where this is going, by the way. You don't have to give the grand intro or speech or whatever. Just my opinion here, but being stuffy doesn't really suit you."

"O-oh. Um… okay. Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Oh, by the way, can I ask you some questions? There's a few things I wanna know about the specifics of this whole item deal…"

"Sure! Go ahead."

And so we conversed.

Hey, I said I could be a dick, but I never said I was heartless. Being a jerk 24/7 is really unfulfilling, given how you'll only spend an average of 30 minutes every day actually getting any satisfaction from that, at the absolute maximum. Doesn't hurt that politeness was pretty much beaten into my head over and over by virtue of being a Boy Scout. By no means did that make me a good example, though. Let's just say that I treat the Scout Law like pirates treat the Pirate Code and leave it at that. Needless to say, how I reached the rank of Life is beyond me. I suspect my mother is responsible. After all, she was the one who forced me into the BSA in the first place.

Speaking of which, that had actually been the indirect cause of my death. For whatever reason, the memory of my demise had been locked away until I'd asked about it, whereupon my benefactor revealed to me that I had been on a Scout hike up a mountain with much looser dirt than I was expecting. I only ever owned one pair of shoes at a time, simply because I didn't see a reason to have any more than that, and by that point they'd become quite worn down. Due to the diminished traction from their well-used state, I had ended up slipping while climbing up a hill, and that snowballed into tumbling downwards and eventually breaking my neck when I fell over a tiny cliff and landed awkwardly.

Huh… well, that's a bummer. I might've felt better if that happened while I was trying to save someone else. Hell, I'd even take being run over by Truck-sama if it meant I'd get at least a somewhat noble end. This is just… disheartening. All that caution, and it ended up doing me jack shit in the face of parental enforcement. "Go on the hike," she said. "It'll count towards a merit badge," she said. Yeah, I bet you're regretting being pushy with me now, aren't you, mom?

Wait.

I'm dead.

That means… I'm never going to see them again.

...no, no, save the breakdown for later. You've got work to do. Finish up the reincarnation process now, cry like the little bitch you are after this is done.

In any case, I eventually got to the point where I asked to see some of the most important legalese documents referring to what I'd be doing in the near future. Completely understanding them was an impossible task given my lack of a law school diploma, but I was able to get the basic gist of most of it.

The ones I paid the most attention to were the ones relating to the details of the whole "overpowered item" shtick, for reasons that should be obvious. If I was going to be venturing off into the great unknown without any information on what to expect, I'd make sure to have all possible advantages I could get. Even if it meant exploiting and abusing every single loophole I could find.

Like I always say: "if the system doesn't explicitly forbid you from doing it, then is it really cheating?"

By scrutinizing the documents, I learned that there was a certain "max capacity" that every item had to adhere to. It was why gifts like infinite god-mode or a weapon that one-shots everything couldn't be granted. In retrospect, that should've been easy for anyone with half a brain to figure out. But besides that, I learned that there was actually a standardized method used to determine whether or not an item went past the threshold. I couldn't comprehend all the minute details, but I was able to gain a general understanding of how it worked.

In essence, the less "powerful" the gift was, the more room you had to fit other things in. But the "other things" also had to relate to the base item in some way - you couldn't just ask for a rifle and then turn around and ask to be a martial arts legend. Think of it like… well, I suppose "required secondary powers" would be the best way. Take super strength, for instance. If you wanna use that to punch through walls, you're also gonna need to make sure that you don't break your hand while doing so. Thus, your durability also gets upped in addition to your strength. All the other minor details end up filling the gift capacity.

I figured I was going to have to be really smart about this if I wanted to get the maximum benefit possible.

But of course, to do that, I had to actually decide what I wanted first. And that was practically an ordeal in itself.

The Gamer…? Ehh, the world itself already runs on RPG mechanics, so that would likely be a little too redundant. What about a modern loadout…? Maybe, but that doesn't seem like 'enough.' That could be going somewhere, actually. Okay, think… how do you improve a bunch of guns?

Wait a minute, that's an easy question. Be like Mister Torgue and make 'em explosive to blow shit up.

I stopped right there.

Hold it. That's it.

But wait… can I tack on even more?

I snuck a glance over at the room's other occupant, who looked to be doing some paperwork.

...only one way to find out.

"Uh… Eris?"

My call-out pulled her attention away from her clipboard and back to me.

"Yes?"

"Would it be possible for me to take both an Unkempt Harold and a Sabre Turret?"

She looked lost for a moment.

"Um… hang on, let me look that up."

After a short bit of research, she answered my question.

"I suppose it's possible, but you'd have to downgrade it a fair bit."

I had expected that, and tried my solution.

"How about if I severely depower them, like reduce them to a sort of barebones state, but also give them the ability to return to their former glory via upgrades and level scaling? Oh, but I'm also still gonna need the infinite ammo hack. They're useless without bullets."

She pondered that for a second.

"Hmm… you know, I think that might actually work. The digistruct tech for both the turret and the pistol will set you back by a lot, but with enough effort, you may just be able to even things out."

She looked like she actually believed it, too. But before that…

"Give me a minute, please. I'd like to run this by my superiors, just in case."

"Sure, go ahead."

Not like I really had much of a choice.

After a few minutes, the results were in.

"Wow, would you look at that! You've been approved! Congratulations!"

That was cause for a fist-pump.

"Yessssssssss…"

I was so caught up in my success that I nearly managed to overlook a crucial detail. Luckily, my brain dope-slapped me again before it was too late.

"Oh, uh, wait! Do I get any sort of spare cash to start off? I mean, I know I've already asked for a lot, but it would be nice to not be broke from the get-go."

The goddess' countenance bloomed into a gesture halfway between embarrassed and mortified at my reminder.

"Oh, my…! Ahhhh, why do I always forget about that?! Stupid, stupid, stupid…!"

She reached behind her throne and extracted an average-sized leather bag, demeaning herself all the while.

"Whoa, whoa whoa, hey, hey, come on. No need to beat yourself up about it that much. I'd probably make the same mistake too, if our roles were switched. Hell, with my track record, I might actually end up doing it more than you."

I took the bag from her, placing it inside one of my pockets.

"You don't need to put yourself down so much just to make me feel better…"

"And why shouldn't I? It's one of the few things I'm actually good at, after all. Might as well put that to good use. But…"

I decided to give something that this poor girl had deserved for a while now.

A hug.

"Wha-?!"

"Thank you. For everything that you've done, are doing, and will do in the future. Frankly speaking, you put up with a lot more crap than anyone else has any right to deal with, and despite it all, you still wear a smile like nothing's wrong. I may not know much about strength, but even I can tell that you've got boatloads more than I do. When I said I'd do your job worse, I meant it. If I was put into this situation, I'd find a way to get the hell outta dodge as fast as I could. But you? You take everything thrown at you like a champ, and keep soldiering on in spite of all this soul-crushing bullshit."

Whoa. Is… is she crying? Holy… either I must be much better at this than I thought, or… oh, man. I don't like the implications of possibility two.

"So… you know what? I don't care what anyone says. You, miss Eris, are undeniably a certified, absolute badass, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And when I say anyone, I mean anyone. Yes, even her."

She didn't respond, only raising her arms and hugging me back with more force than her frame would lead you to believe she possessed. There was no need for any more words at the moment.

Just one lost, terrified teenaged boy offering gratitude and consolation to an overworked, lonely social outcast goddess in desperate need of validation.

Now… I suppose some of you may be clamoring for answers as to why I just up and did this out of the blue if I'm such a self-proclaimed prick. Well… I hate to admit it, but I've actually always been a sucker for scenes like these. Getting the chance to actually do one of my own was a little too difficult to resist.

Unfortunately, much as I would liked the moment to last a little longer, the warp circle appeared at the exact moment we separated.

"Huh-? Oh. Ah, well, I suppose I couldn't stall forever."

"O-oh, right. Um, ahem… now, go forth, Hero, and embark on your grand quest to defeat the ultimate evil!"

Oh-ho-ho-hooo, trying to regain some professionalism, are we? Yeah, I don't think so.

"I thought I told you earlier to quit it with the grandiose posturing… Chris."

Eris was… well, I suppose the best way to put it would be "dumbstruck."

She was also left sputtering.

"Wh-...you-...how-?"

I resisted the urge to laugh while floating up towards the bright light that had appeared on what passed for a ceiling in this room.

"Aw, don't get yer knickers up in a bind. Your secret's safe with me."

But wait… speaking of names, did I ever-? Shit, I didn't!

"Oh, ah, before I forget! I'm Andrew! Pleasure to meet you!"

I awkwardly stuck out my hand from my slowly-rising position for a last-second shake. Fortunately, the goddess was quicker on the draw than I expected.

"My name is Eris! And the blessings of fortune shall be with with you! Goodbye!"

"Thanks! See you on the other side!"

And that was the last thing I could remember before I felt light engulf me.

A/N: Jesus H. Christ, I really need to stop churning out so many different story ideas. At this rate, it'll take forever for me to actually get any chapters finished for my other stories! My god, I can hear them crying for attention even now...

Eh, whatever. They'll get their time when I find some for them. In any case, hello! For those who don't know me, I'm just a guy who's a writer for fun. Heh. References aside, welcome to this little script of insanity and expectation subversion. Par for the course for anything set in this world, am I right?

Honestly speaking, the setting of Konosuba is probably the most versatile one I can think of for the isekai genre. Think about it... you get to take any one item, skill, or whatever else you can think of with you to help you on your quest. The big thing is, it doesn't matter whether or not said thing exists in the real world - anything from every realm of fiction is fair game, as long as it doesn't make you permanently or effectively unkillable. That one rule pretty much opens the door for almost every single crossover imaginable. Just think - bringing in a Keyblade, the Buster Sword, the Monado, maybe even a Metal Gear, and using it to completely crush the opposition. If that isn't wish fulfillment, I don't know what is.

In terms of the future, I plan to create an entirely new party separate from the pre-established parties we've seen already, like Team Kazuma and Team Dust. Who those members will be, I have no idea yet. We'll just have to wait and see.

But that's enough for now. I really need to get back to working on my other stories. Now, how best to go about breaking this writer's block... wait a minute, BLAKE! WHERE'S A BLOODY PICKAXE?

[TRANSMISSION ENDED]