"Magnus please, I can explain."
"Magnus it isn't what it seems."
"let me explain what happened."
"you don't understand."
These were some of the phrases Ive heard in my past, some that my old lovers had used. I had many relationships in the past and most of them ended with lies or death. Ive been so used to these phrases, so numb to the weight they contain. I had never imagined Alec would be the one to say the worst one yet.
"Kiss me."
Oh there are so many things he could have said, when I held him in my arms for the last time, but he had to ask this of me. He had to ask me to do something like that. Doesn't he know that every time I kiss him Its like the world stops spinning? Doesn't he know that kissing him would only make my love for him stronger? Doesn't he know how hard leaving him was going to be already and kissing him will just make it harder.
He is such a stupid, stupid boy. He can't just expect me to stay with him; he considered shortening my life. To make me mortal, without my permission. How could he even consider something like that? I know he is young and impulsive but when you take something to that level…
I kissed him, knowing it would be the last time. It was slow and sad like a heart breaking. His lips on mine, moving like a symphony. The glow of the witch light, shining between us, illuminating our spot in the dark tunnel I had cornered him in. My eyes closed, fighting against a sharp prick behind my eyes. Tears would make it harder to let go and there has never been a moment when I wished I could hold on tighter. I could feel his heart splintering under my touch. His cold hands gripped me tight, knowing that this was the last chance to hold me. I wanted him to hold me, to touch me, but he couldn't because I had chosen my path and that it ran divergent from his. I wished to god it didn't have to be that way.
He was shivering but not just from the cold. I hoped he wouldn't start crying. I hoped he would just let me leave. Oh why did his last request have to be a kiss?
Ah.
I know why.
Because he loves me. He loves me exactly as I love him.
I would rather we be separated by death; then I wouldn't have to think about how much pain Alec would go through. How many nights he would cry himself to sleep. How many times he just stared in the mirror, with dark bags under his eyes, wondering if life had meaning anymore. Probably the same amount as me. There are days when I wish I never met him, that way, the pain wouldn't be destroying me inside and out.
I've started to avoid certain things that remind me of him. That goddamn scarf that matched his eyes and I forced him to wear. The empty side of my bed. The empty spot where his toothbrush was usually set next to mine. The drawer where his clothes used to be. The spare key hanging in the key rack. Too many painful memories.
Just before I let him go, I told him that I loved him, not that it changed anything. And I was right, I love him more than I should, there isn't a waking moment of the day that I don't think about him, but I doesn't change the fact that we can't be together.
His face, pale with pink blotches on his cheeks, from the cold and our kiss. His big cobalt eyes stared into mine, shining with the tears he won't let fall. He was trying to be strong.
Oh Alec, this is your doing. Making me leave you. You caused this and yet you struggle to be strong. You chose this! You forced my hand!
He swallowed as I gave him my last farewell. My tone, icy, with an air of finality. This was it. This was the end. No more late nights at my place. No more teasing him about his fashion sense. No more shy compliments or hidden kisses. No more silly arguments about things that hardly matter. No more holding his hand at parties and showing him off to everyone.
No more happiness.
No more falling asleep with him in my arms.
No more Alec.
I turned to walk away, my heart fracturing, breaking apart piece by piece. Tears began to fall. All I wanted to do was bury my face in Alec's shoulder, breathe in his scent and have him hold me as I sobbed, but I couldn't have that any more. My walls began to crumble. I was out of his range of vision when hot tears began streaming down my face.
Oh Alec, what have you done?