"No"
"No"
"No"
He whispered the same word under his breath for what seemed like hours.
He realized that he might have feelings for his long time friend.
"No"
Volkner was never able to handle emotions well. He always seemed to break down or shut himself out from the world around him. But this was all so new to him.
For all he cared, he'd rather be depressed than fall in love.
At least when he was depressed, he didn't have to worry about being rejected, let alone rejected by the one person who he cared about most.
Should he tell his friend? Should he just let these feelings pass? Should he try to be happy despite it all?
He took a drag on his cigarette and sighed.
"No. I can't ruin what we've got." Thoughts danced through his mind, jagged and awkward. He was a mess.
"But what if, by some chance, Flint likes me back? No. That's ridiculous." Volkner knew Flint was a huge flirt. Never once had he hinted something at the electric trainer.
Besides, it seemed like Flint only went for girls.
Volkner's hand kept reaching for the phone in his pocket. He wanted to get things off his chest. He wanted to stop hiding his feelings. He wanted to take a chance.
He kept pulling his hand away. He just couldn't do it.
At least not now.
He was stuck.
What he really didn't understand is why he was so afraid. He practically shared his life with Flint; they've know each other for as long as either of them could remember. They've told each other almost everything. For all he knew, Flint never had some huge secret he was hiding. Anything went with him. Volkner would sometimes rip him to shreds, but there was nothing but laughs and smiles. Flint was such an easy going guy, so why would he be afraid to let his friend know how he felt?
He was already miserable and depressed, Flint's rejection wouldn't make that any better.
He was nervous; would being rejected drive him over the edge?
No, he was better than that.
Finally gaining some confidence, Volkner pulled his phone out of his pocket.
"1 missed call: Flint"
All motivation to talk was suddenly lost at the mere sight of his friend's name.
But there was no turning back now. He decided he was going to do it and he had to stick to that decision, even if it meant simply sending a text message.
"Flint, I know this is sudden and I should probably tell you this face to face, but I just can't right now. Please understand. I like you. A lot. You've been with me through a lot and I guess I was just slowly falling for you. I understand if you never want to talk to me again, but I couldn't go on much longer without saying anything. I'm so sorry."
Message sent.
With that, Volkner took some pills and lied down in bed.
Maybe when he wakes up hours, possibly days, from now, it will be like nothing ever happened.