A/N: Hellooo! It's been forever, since I've written anything. This isn't the first FMA fic I've written, but it's the first I've published, so there's some minor cause for celebration. I've had writer's block for the longest time, so this will hopefully draw me out of it. Hopefully... then again, this really sucks.
I was trying not to write anymore of these crappy first person prose-ish drabbles. I've written too many, and they're usually boring and cliched. Plus, I'm probably getting Envy majorly OOC. -- I've only seen through episode 31, so this is probably entirely incorrect. Please do bear with me. (PS, this ain't Shonen Ai. I'm not opposed to it, but I think you'll be able to tell from the way I put things into perspective that it's not romantic.)
Now if you like, please do try to read it through, and drop me a nice lil review (Or not so nice, depending on how you liked it.) Thank you very much!
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"Who are you, Envy?..."
I felt a little squirm as the boy curled up and shifted, resting his head in my lap. Normally, I would have been violently repulsed, but nobody was watching, and there was no point in pushing the little brat away. He would have come back like a slapped little puppy, he's so clingy. Little fool.
He'd been doing well, imitating me and becoming my little lackey. I'd done my best to subtly instruct him on how to be vicious, acting at my most aggressive in front of him. Not that he'd really needed it. He would have gone all out just to impress me. Such a stark contrast from his innocent fear not long ago. I'm glad I changed him before he turned totally rotten. Of course, I only did so, so that he could be our pawn.
Yes. That was the only reason.
There was nothing else.
...
He looked like his old self when at rest. His eyes shut, with his arm sprawled and his mouth half open, he looked almost like a normal human boy just sleeping there. Just a human. It was most certainly not cute. It was disgusting.
Disgusting...
Lust had said she wanted to become human. I couldn't think why. The homunculi were described as creatures without souls. A monster without a soul couldn't know what it was like to desire one, right?
Right?
I followed her, only because I had my own agenda to pursue. That was the only reason. That was why I took our newly named Wrath and changed him. It was for me.
I most certainly was not jealous.
No, I couldn't be.
Jealous of what?
That little brat?
That woman who took him in?
That Elric bastard?
No.
I wasn't.
I just hated them. I hated their guts. I hated everything about them. Ridiculous stupid pathetic foolish humans! It was nothing but hatred!
"nnh..."
I looked down and realized I was squeezing Wrath's arm in my anger. I eased my grip, and looked forward, hoping I hadn't woken him.
I only wanted him to rest so he'd have more energy to fight.
It wasn't like I cared about him or anything.
Not like that bleeding heart woman. She let herself off guard after being swayed by the charms of the innocent child. What ridiculous logic could have lead her to the state of helplessness for the sake of a stupid boy?
Humans call it love.
But It's a weakness.
I know this.
So why become human?
It's not like we're jealous.
I would never submit myself to such idiocy. Not over that boy. Not over anyone. I would never just go soft. I couldn't. I'm heartless. A monster. Yes.
That's all I'll ever be. A monster.
It's not like I'm jealous...
It's lunacy.
Something so unstable. So undefinable. So undependable.
As a stupid thing called 'love'.
It couldn't possibly be worth dying for.
Then... why do they never see that?
Humans... how could they be so dense? They can learn so much about everything. About Alchemy, about science.
So why then, do they just give themselves up for that one thing that may not exist?
I hated that Elric boy so much. For more reasons than the obvious...
I couldn't stand the way his brother placed so much faith in him. And the way he returned it. It was the strangest thing I'd ever seen.
It must have been nonsense.
Pure stupidity.
Then why... why when I saw them together.
Why did I feel this way?...
No, nothing. There was nothing I felt.
I didn't feel jealous of that 'love' those brothers shared. I never felt spite over that boy, getting love from that woman as though she were his mother. No! He was the same as me! We were homunculi. We weren't human! She couldn't love him! Those brothers couldn't accept him! Not like he was some human.
That would have meant they accepted us.
NO! They hated us. We were only trying to become human to spite the bastards who attempted human transmutation! That's all!
I'm not jealous...
The boy stirred again. I stared down at him calculatingly.
"You cause so much trouble." I muttered.
He seemed to be wincing, in some frightening dream. Poor thing. No-!...
I strained past my shield of denial, staring at the corrupted young homunculus sprawled before me.
Yes.
I admitted it to myself only.
Yes, I was jealous.
I wanted that indefinite thing that they all had.
Yes, I wanted to know that thing worth dying for.
Yes, I wanted what those brothers had. What that woman felt for her child.
I wanted to feel that.
But I couldn't stand seeing him get it all. Not when he'd only just been here for years or so... I'd waited centuries, without even knowing.
I couldn't even tell myself I was jealous.
I could only steal him.
I could only lie.
Perhaps someday, there will be a way. A way for us to become human. A way for me to be the one to give this boy the comfort I'd never had.
Someday, perhaps we can find that strange thing they call love.
But until then, all I can be, is heartless.
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...End...
(Hypnotic Signals: Revieeeewww!)