Muffy the vampire killer
Author's note: Okay, Americans; I love you, I really do, after all you guys gave the world Buffy, Garfield cartoons, and the most sugar-based cereals in the world. I mean like the ones that their whole selling point is to change the colour of your milk! Now that, my friends, is THE height of food development and research.
Anyways, I digress... oh ya, I love you, but I just don't. Like. Your. Beer.
So please don't take it seriously! Okay, read on!
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon (aka God. Or "J-Wheedy" as I call him, hehehe) and Mutant Enemy own Buffy characters, I don't. How fair is that... But I do own Pierre! Mwahahaha!
Part 1
"Dick Clark isn't dead"
Prologue
We are in the year 2000, a year where the impossible seems to be happening; a new millennium dawning, Dick Clark still alive, and another George Bush elected to the most important office in the world. But the most surprising news of all; American beer companies have bought out ALL other beer makers worldwide! This is devastating news to all non American beer lovers! In every country, from England to Genovia, the only beers to be found are Budweiser, Coors, Miller and Genuine Draft. These evil beer entrepreneurs have stopped at nothing to rid the world of all traces of international booze... or so they think...
A group of college students from the remote French Canadian town of LaTuque, in the province of Quebec, have stumbled upon a priceless treasure; the last non-American beer. This Labatt Bleu Dry is the only remnants of what used to be one of the most recognized Canadian beers. They must protect their finding with their lives, because it means there still is hope for the international beer industry to be reborn and free millions of people from this heinous fate that the neo-beer industry now reserves them.
But someone finds out about their prized possession and for a rather hefty price; around 50 000 000$ Canadian (that would be about 24,36$ American...), they squeal to the Americans. They send out their associate from LaTuque, Bory, to hunt them down and destroy the last bottle, therefore riding the world of non American beer and causing an apocalypse.
Part 2
"The prime minister formerly known as a coat rack"
In LaTuque, the 3 French Canadian friends are assembled around the Labatt Bleu Dry, to discuss what to do, for they know that Bory is coming after them... well, since she called them... she's not the brightest...
Frenchie #1 (also known as Gaëtan)
-Eh, they have found out about us, eh. What are we going to do, eh?
(Ok, so they were actually talking in french, but this way I could incorporate the 'ehs...)
Frenchie #2 (he was Pierre)
-Well, we can always try to forget about this eh, what say we have a drink to relax. Hmm, here's a Labatt...
Frenchie #3 (Matthieu)
-Nooon! Tabar... think Pierre! We are trying to keep the last Labatt safe from the evil beer corporations! We must place the bottle somewhere safe, eh!
Pierre
-Eh, I forgot. It's just so shiny! Okay, I have an idea, we can use the spell we so conveniently learned today in our college class of "Practical and well timed learned spells 101".
Gaëtan
-You mean the one where we sell our souls in exchange for the Montreal Canadians winning more than 2 consecutive games?
Matthieu
-No, the one where we transform an item into a person and send it to someone who can protect it eh, all while creating memories of this person to everyone around, as if they've always existed. You know, like the spell used on a coat rack, who later on became prime minister...
Pierre
-Good! We have found a solution! To celebrate, let's have a beer! Here's one...
Matthieu, Gaëtan
-Pierre!
Part 3
"Gee, how surprising, a narrow escape"
The three of them form a circle around the beer, and start to chant what seems to be Latin... they have begun the spell. Soon, a white spotlight seems to hang directly over the beer...
Matthieu
-Pierre, what are you doing holding a flashlight over the Labatt bleu?
Pierre
-I dunno... Seemed like the thing to do, there always seems to be a spotlight over things when magic is involved. Just thought I'd contribute.
Gaëtan
-Pierre! Get back in the circle!
So they continue the spell. A blue glow seems to surround the beer, this time Pierre has nothing to do with it, aside from chanting Latin. The spell is working! The beer disappears in a huge flash of blue and green lights!
But as these things usually go, seconds after using their conveniently timed learned spell to make the bottle human and send it to someone who will protect it, Bory catches up with them.
Matthieu
-You are too late, you'll never find it, eh!
Bory
-Well that's not right. After all this tracking you guys down. Oh well, I still have use for you! You will regret this! Bwahaha!!
Pierre
-Eh, she is truly evil!
Gaëtan
-Why? Because she says we will regret it?
Pierre
-No, because she used the evil laugh, eh!
You see Bory was not just a regular beer associate, she had magical powers! Ok, she just had one, well aside from the superstrength. She had the ability to turn anyone permanently drunk; "brain-drunk"! Not because she needed to make them drunk to sustain her sanity or anything, just because she thought it was fun! See how evil that makes her! Well, that and the evil laugh...
So back to our story, seeing that they are in danger, the trio flees! But Bory catches up with Pierre, just as he trips on his shoelaces, and most evilly in a flash of light, she "brain-drunks" him! Fortunately for Pierre, afterwards, nobody seemed to notice any difference.
Part 4
"Mystery meat and Inspector Gadget"
A few months later, school is starting everywhere in North America. Students are attending classes, or trying to, if they just can keep from hitting the snooze button 10 times! um... yeah, basically they're back in school.
In a little Californian high school, located in the town of Overcastdale, a young teenager is having a rather shocking conversation with friends in the school halls. I mean really, really shocking! Man, what a conversation! But that has nothing to do with this story, so we're gonna cut to another young teenager in another high school of Overcastdale. This particular teen is having lunch with friends at the cafeteria.
Teenager red shirt
-Hey Dusk, what do you think this mystery meat is?
Teenager blue shirt (her name is Dusk)
-I dunno, you'd have to be a real Harriet the Spy to figure that out!
(Oh come on, can you blame me?)
Teenager green shirt
-Or Penny from Inspector Gadget!
(Okay, I'll stop now.)
Red shirt (Janet)
-Hey Dusk, why don't you entertain us. Tell us, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, the story about your family and their friends. I'd like to hear about them. Like if I didn't know anything about them, and you would want to, you know, recap the story!
Green Shirt (Jason)
-Yeah, summarize, for again, no specific reason whatsoever.
Dusk
-Uh... Okay. Well first, there's my sister Muffy, she's the killer, the one girl chosen to kick evil's ass. And she's got her little gang of friends. There's her 2 best friends, first there's Jeff, the sensitive yet wisecracking ex-mullet carpenter. Well he's engaged to his girlfriend Offya, this tactless ex-demon who works at a magic store called "The Magic Tupperware". Then there's Maple, the wiccan, she goes to college with her girlfriend Esuoma, and they live with their pet Mr Gerbil Extraordinaire. There's also Lynch, he owns the magic store and he's Muffy's watcher, he works with her to defeat evil. And he gets knocked unconscious. A lot. That's about the basics. Oh ya, and there's Spear.
Janet
-Who?
Dusk
-Well, he used to be a really bad vampire, but awhile ago, this secret government army thingy kidnapped him and implanted a chip in his head. If he tries to hurt a human the chip sets off unspeakable horror for him, so now he won't dare hurt a human anymore.
Jason
-What does the chip do when he tries to hurt us?
Dusk
-It plays N'Sync music.
Jason
-Whoa. That's cruel.
Part 5
"Oh, those wacky Dateline specials!"
Meanwhile, across town from the high school, in an old worn-down warehouse, a young man is tied to a chair with ducktape, in a big shadowy room. Let's call him Ray. Now Ray has a bloodied face and is struggling to get out of the chair.
Ray
-Crap, I knew I should've watched that special on Dateline, "how to escape when you're tied to a chair with ducktape in a big shadowy room."
Of course out of a dark corner of the room comes out none other than Bory.
Bory
-Bet you didn't expect me to come out of those shadows! Bwahaha!
Ray
-Well yeah. You just told me to watch your big entrance, and then you ran
snickering to yourself into that shadowy corner. That was like 2 minutes ago!
Bory
-Silence! You are here, because I need to know where the bottle is! I must find it to destroy it! Tell me! You must know where it is, since you are French-Canadian!
Ray
-I don't know what you're talking about! Listen you psycho, I have rights! I am a Canadian citizen...
Unfortunately for Ray, Bory got fed up and just snapped his neck.... not even brain-drunking him. Ray is no more. He will be now known as X-Ray...
Part 6
"She loves those pants..."
In the halls of the Overcastdale University of California, a young woman is walking in a rather proud manner. She is short, blonde, and has a pair of red leather pants on. She is Muffy. The vampire Killer. Incorporated. No, wait. Scratch the incorporated.
Muffy, (stopping a stranger in the halls)
-Excuse me, have you seen my pants? Aren't they great? You WILL marvel at my pants! Hey, you over there (pointing to a rather stunned young man), look at my pants! Look at my paaaaaannnnts!! They're leather! I love my pants...
After informing everyone of her obsession with her pants, Muffy heads out of school, towards downtown. Since no one knows how far downtown is from the university and she obviously doesn't drive, we'll just keep it simple and say she transported herself there in her magic transporter device, that she uses a lot.
She is going to meet her friends at Lynch's magic shop. Since they always seem to be there anyways, even though they either have steady jobs or go to college, they're always there.... weird. And don't these people ever wear a shirt more than once? What? Do they throw 'em out after each day? And how are they paying for college? A-ny-ways, I digress. Again.
At the Magic Tupperware, Offya is at the cash register, looking very happy to see lots of 10 and 20 dollar bills. A few customers are in line to purchase various magical items.
Offya
-Hello paying customers. Give me your money, then go away. Why hello sir. Thank you for shopping at the Magic Tupperware. That will be 9.95$ for the lizard's tail and magic 8 ball. Excuse me sir, but this 10$ bill you gave me. It's discoloured, and therefore defective. Why is it purple?
Customer
-Yeah, well, it's the only money I've got on me lady. It's Canadian.
Offya, with a look of total shock on her face
-What?! Canadian? Have you been the recent recipient of head trauma? You expect me to give you your purchase in exchange for Canadian money? God, what kind of barbarian are you?
As Offya rambles on, the poor customer watches her pull out a lighter and set fire to the 10$ that he so misguidedly gave her.
Offya
-This is worthless paper! Look, even the flame that it gives off is clearly anti-American! Hey! Where are you going? Come back here, so I can humiliate you further!
Offya turns to the rest of the customers in line, who are desperately trying to avoid eye contact.
Offya
-Would anybody else like to pay in non-American savage currency?
Just as the customer runs out the door, Muffy comes in the shop. Lynch stepping out from behind a bookshelf comes to greet her.
Lynch
-Ah. Good. Muffy, you're here. I have some rather alarming news. I will now take off my glasses and clean them, so I can appear very grave and serious while I tell you why I called you here. I'm afraid there is a very bad situation. But first, isn't is amazing how I managed to keep my British accent, even after living in California for more than 5 years!
Muffy
-Yeah, I've wondered about that. That and why you get knocked out. A lot.
Lynch
-Well, everyone's here, researching this particular, um, problem.
Muffy
-Why you always get knocked out?
Lynch
-No, but thank you for reminding me of my rather less than perfect fighting skills. Again. They're all here, because there seems to be something rather peculiar happening in Overcastdale these days.
As they walk towards where Jeff, Maple, and Esuoma are sitting looking at old books, Lynch explains why he called her.
Lynch
-There seems to be an alarming number of drunk people showing up in Overcastdale, and not just the professors anymore.
Lynch and Muffy sit down at the table.
Maple
-It's like they're permanently drunk. They just don't seem to sober up.
Jeff
-Well, whatever it is, we'll figure it out, right Muffster?
Esuoma
-We'll hit research mode, I mean there's got to be something written about this. I mean we always find just what we need in these old books, usually in the nick of time too.
Lynch closes the book that he was looking through
Lynch
-There doesn't seem to be any prophecy written about this whole situation.
He holds up the book that he just finished reading. It's thick, bright yellow, and the cover reads "Prophecies for Dummies".
Muffy
-Well I'll go on patrol tonight, see if I learn anything. But right now, I have to go pick up Dusk at school.
So Muffy leaves the Magic Tupperware, and goes to pick up Dusk, presumably in her magic teleporter. Later that night she prepares to go patrolling. She grabs her stakes, makes sure she has a confortable pair of shoes on, and memorizes a few jokes from "Puns for slaying vampires, revised edition".
Part 7
"There's always got to be a mime."
At the cemetary Muffy walks between some tombstones, the one we can see reads "Lesson learned by Thomas Spence, to never pee on an electric fence."
So Muffy walks around awhile, looking actually quite bored. Suddenly she stops, something is behind her. She senses this, gets her stake ready, and turns quickly around to face a freshly vamped... mime. He's dressed in black jeans, a striped black and white shirt, a scarf tied around his neck and a black beret. He even has the white gloves on.
Muffy, trying very hard not to laugh
-Wow. This is a new one. Hey, when you woke up inside your coffin, you know, you were actually stuck inside a box. You know, that's irony for ya.
The mime lunges at Muffy. She quickly jumps out of the way to avoid him and hits him in the back in the process. The mime gets knocked down. Muffy quickly advances on him, ready to put a stake through his heart, but the mime, kicks her away and is quickly on his feet again.
Mime
-So, you're the Slayer! Grrr!
Muffy
-Hey! You can't do that! You're not supposed to talk! I mean, you gotta be breaking some sort of mime code, pretty soon you'll have the mime mafia driving by and shooting at you, for breaking the code of silence.
Muffy suddenly stops. Stands very still, with a very confused look on her face.
Muffy
-Um... What are you doing?
The mime is walking towards her. But at the same time, he's doing the imaginary rope routine, you know, the one where he advances with the help of, well, an invisible rope.
Muffy
-Ok, that's just irritating. Hey I have a mime request! Imitate a big pile of dust!
Poor mime. Staked in the middle of his rope routine.
Muffy
-A mime vampire... this is getting weirder all the time, what next; a vampire Elvis impersonater?
So our vampire staker continues walking in the cemetary. As she walks by a mausoleum, someone steps out from around the corner. He's dressed in black; black jeans, black t-shirt, black leather duster. He's quite tall and has bleached hair. He sees Muffy, stops, pulls a cigarette out and lights it.
Muffy
-Great. Spear. All I need now is for Katie Holmes to show up, and this will officially be the most annoying night ever.
Spear
-Normally, I wouldn't congratulate you Slayer, on dusting my kind. But that mime, well he was just bloody annoying.
Muffy (rolling her eyes)
-Glad I could help. You know, it's a wonder I haven't killed you yet. What am I waiting for? For you to fall in love with me?
Spear
-Please, you threaten me every time, but you know you won't poof me, now that Spear's all
neuteured, thanx to this sodding chip in my head. Can't harm humans no more.
Just then a civilian young woman walks by, taking a midnight stroll through the cemetary. She looks kinda dazed. As she walks past Spear, he hits her upside the head. As he finishes smacking her, he crouches down in pain with his hands on his ears as a loud music seems to be coming from, well, him.
"Every little thing I doooooooooooo!!! Never seems enough for youuuuuuuuuu!!!"
Spear
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Bloody hell! See what I mean!
Muffy
-Great demo Spear.
The music stops as the young lady stops walking. Muffy approaches her slowly, but she takes a few steps backwards as Muffy approaches. She seems to have trouble with her balance and stumbles.
Young Lady (for simplicity, we'll call her Gen), talking with slurred speech
-You don't know me, maaaaan.
Muffy
-Are you drunk?
Gen gets up, after a few tries, and approaches Muffy, pointing at her.
Gen
-I can stop anytime I want!
Spear
-This isn't the first drunk I've seen these past few days, seems to be a lot of them around here, midterms maybe?
Gen approaches Spear and looks him straight in the eyes, and suddenly flings her arms around him.
Gen
-I love you maaaan!
Spear
-Hey! Get off!
Gen stops hugging Spear, and walks away, with her arms outstreched
-Duuuddddddee... Whoooo!!! I'm a plane, baby!
Part 8
"What? Do I have to come up with a title for every part? Make up your own damn title!"
Meanwhile, back at the Winters' home, Jeff and Offya are there babysitting Dusk. The girl's 14 years old, and she has to have a babysitter? Man, and then they're gonna wonder why she sneaks out and steals earrings and stuff... Allo! So anyway, they're in the living room playing Clue. Offya is poking Jeff on the arm.
Offya
-Come on. You know you want to.
Jeff
-Offya, there isn't any money involved in this game. So stop asking us to pay you to reveal your cards!
Offya
-Come on, I know you want to make sure I don't have Colonel Mustard. For 20$ I'll show you two cards. And plus, I'll have you know, bribery; it is the American way. That blue eagle on tv keeps saying so.
Jeff
-Stop quoting Sam the Eagle. Besides, you know that Fozzy's the best, I mean, no matter how many times Waldorf and Statler heckle him, he keeps coming back! See that's a role model for ya.
Dusk
-Guys please! Your acting like children, besides, the best muppet is clearly Lew Zealand!
Dusk, taking a weird accent
-I throw thee feesh avay... and eet comes bak to mee!
Jeff
-No way! He's barely even around!
Dusk
-Maybe we should stop arguing over muppets.
Before their muppet argument got any worse, they all agreed to stop with this childish fight. Besides, they're all wrong, Gonzo was the best. Was too! And don't even get me started on Miss Piggy, come on, that obsessed over a frog with pingpong balls for eyes? Seriously...
So they continue their game of Clue. Turns out it was Mr Green in the study with the orange starburst (they were missing a few pieces, and plus it takes care of my sponsership plug).
Suddenly they hear a loud noise in the backyard.
Dusk
-Did anyone else hear that?
Jeff
-Stay here Dusk, I'm going to check it out.
Jeff gets a baseball bat from wherever, I mean, this is the slayer's house, I'm guessing there's pretty much a wepon everywhere, cabinets, drawers, the fridge, heck, I'd even keep one in the bathroom. So anyway, Jeff goes outside to see if there's anything lurking around. He comes face to face with a vampire who's carrying a crowbar and wearing a "I love Tanya Harding" t-shirt. The vamp lunges on him, but before he can hurt Jeff, he's turned into a fine powder. Muffy appears behind the cloud of dust.
Jeff
-Oh, hey Muffy. Back from patrolling, find anything?
Muffy
-Well, I found a quarter, see, it's all shiny! Oh, you mean for the drunk problem? No, well, actually I just found another drunk.
Jeff
-Well, we'll meet up tomorrow. Off and I are gonna go.
Muffy
-You're leaving with bug repellent? Oh, yeah you're girlfriend. Okay, we'll thanx for looking after Dusk, I'll see ya tomorrow.
Part 9
In Maple's dorm room, wich is pretty big, I mean remember that one in Hush, you know the dead student's one, pretty crappy, but I guess when you're able to develop the power to shoot lightning out of your hands, one of the perks is you get the best dorm rooms. So Maple and Esuoma are there, talking.
Maple
-I wonder if Muffy found anything while patrolling. I hope we solve this fast.
Esuoma
-It's weird though, I mean, whatever's causing this is really bad, to make you go crazy-drunk. At least vampires just kill you. Crap. I just jinxed myself didn't I?
Maple
-Yup.
To be continued
( I would really appreciate reviews and feedback, please! Thank you!
- Sperulez )