"Michael asked me to do a job and I did it, that's all."
The final two words echoed in the brunette's mind and swam around as if they were in slow motion. Taunting her, laughing at her and had she been level headed...she would've spun on her heel and beelined to the gym. But level headed Alex was long gone, there was no one holding her hand and watching her to see if she popped those pretty little pills in her mouth every now and then.
Now and then turned into a constant thing though, and she found herself unable to get through the day without that extra dose, that extra handful thrown back. Just enough to keep her looking normal. Which was where she was right now. The head high got the best of her and she found herself high tailing it after Sean, unhappy with his excuse.
"No!"
She sounded like a petulant child, she could hear the way her voice came out but she wasn't going to stop it, instead she wrapped a thinning hand around a tight bicep and pulled as hard as her lithe frame would allow, towards what was to her knowledge and empty recruit room. He followed, a surprise to her but a welcomed one none the less. The pills were like her liquid courage, each capsule giving her the push to do something like this...something she would otherwise run away from.
As they stood face to face in the room that now seemed a hell of a lot smaller than it actually was, she was able to get a good look at him. Pristine; as always. Damn boy scout, military tendencies. He was the prince in all those fairy tales that girls read growing up, wishing that they had a boy like that for their very own and she did. She had him and now...
That's when it came back to her, the day in medical. A fire flashed through ice blue eyes as a hand connected with the side of his face with a loud SLAP.
"What gives you the right to walk away from a girl after you tell her that you love her, Sean?!"
His eyes studied her for a moment before they narrowed, the slap rolling off his shoulders like it was merely a fly landing on his skin. The signs were there. Sunken face, glassy eyes, pale skin...It was the last thing he wanted to hear her say, it was the last thing he ever wanted to ask but the words seemed to drift before he could control them.
"Alex...are you using again?"
And just like that...the fire was gone. The fight, the anger, the walls...they were gone, it was almost as if they drained and if he looked hard enough he'd see them on the floor in a puddle around their feet. She stepped back suddenly and he stepped forward, cutting their distance once again. The silence was his answer. That look on her face, it hurt more then the actual confession probably would have. His hands came up, cupping her cheeks gently, thumbs resting just beneath her eyes as he fixated their stares towards one another.
"Why?"
It was a simple question when spoken, but the answer held layers. So many layers he would never understand. The mind of an addict was a troubled one. A multi demential program, much like something Birkoff would run rather then just the human brain. She couldn't blame him. She would never blame him for this. She couldn't blame Nikita for trusting her not to spiral back down after all the work they had done. She couldn't blame Michael, he had no obligation to her. None of them did. It was her own fault in the long run but as she stood there, peering up into Sean's eyes, Alex felt herself break. She wasn't sure where it came from but the dam burst and words tumbled out.
"You left...you just walked out. You can't do that, Sean! You can't drop a...a bomb like the one you dropped and then walk out without giving me time to process it! I know you want me safe, and you want me out of here and don't want to lose me...I know all of this and my God do I love you for it but you should've given me the time to react. I've never had love. Not like this. I thought I did once, and you know what happened there?"
She paused to take a breath before continuing, leaving him in a stunned silence from the sudden sharing.
"He left! It was for his own safety and it would probably be in your best interests to do the same thing...but I don't want you to leave! I didn't want you to leave and I never want you to leave. Please...don't leave me like that. I don't think I can handle it again."
He was quiet. Too quiet for her liking after she spoke but she figured she could give him the time to process...even if he hadn't extended the same courtesy to her that day. It took him a minute, for everything to catch up, for him to work through her words...something. But soon he spoke, his voice quiet, soothing like a mother's lullaby to a restless child.
"I'll stay, forever if that's what you want. But not if you're like this...if you're using again. I'm not sticking around for that. I just won't."
Alex's head nodded quickly, and had this been a less then serious conversation, he'd remark that she looked like a bobble head, but right now wasn't the time.
"You realize I'm gonna tell Nikita about this...right? You know she worries about you with this stuff."
The tiny brunette could only nod, closing her eyes as she surged forward and wrapped her arms around him with a quiet sigh.
"So long as you stay."