The Psyche of Mutt Williams
A day at Mutt's psychologist
By Jonathan Anthony
Mutt Williams has been suffering great psychological turmoil. It has been three weeks since his mother, Marion Ravenwood-Williams, remarried, to none other than Mutt's biological father, Indiana Jones. It has been a confusing time for this young man. He has thus decided to see a psychologist. This is Mutt's fourth visit to see esteemed Dr. Hector Todd:
(Mutt walks into office. Dr. Todd, who is sitting at his desk, sees him enter.)
Dr. Hector Todd: Mutt! Welcome back! Have a seat.
Mutt Williams: Thanks, doc.
(Mutt sits down. Todd turns his seat to face the young man.)
Todd. How was your week?
Mutt: (sighs) Okay, I suppose. Mom's still a little annoyed at me.
Todd: You told her, then, about your future ambitions?
Mutt: Yeah.
Todd: Does she still want to send you to the University of Chicago?
Mutt: That's more Jones' idea. He went there with Ox when he was young, so he thinks I should do the same.
Todd: (frowns) You're still calling your father 'Jones.'
Mutt: Well, it feels a little strange calling him 'Dad,' you know? After knowing him as 'Doctor Jones' for the first few days I met him, I mean.
Todd: But now that you know he's your father, it would be more appropriate to call him such.
Mutt: He doesn't seem to mind.
Todd: What makes you think that?
Mutt: Just yesterday, I called him 'Jones,' and he just gave me one of his grins. He does that so often now that I can't tell if it's real of if he's hiding his real reaction. I'm just assuming he's okay with it, though. If he wasn't, wouldn't he yell at me, like a normal father?
Todd: Some dads have different ways of showing their disapproval.
Mutt: (snorts) Tell me about it, man. When Jones is really angry at me, he rolls his eyes and says, "Kids nowadays."
Todd: Sounds like he's not the kind of father who shouts and screams.
Mutt: Oh, no, he definitely does that. He and Mom are always getting into arguments. (grins to himself) She tends to win.
Todd: I'm sure. (rifles through papers) Well, Mutt, this week, I was thinking of going over a couple basic psychological questions. The idea is to ask you these questions, and the answers you give me will hopefully bring to the surface any buried thoughts or feelings. Okay?
Mutt: Yeah, I guess.
Todd: Good. Okay, the questions start off fairly simple and easy, but will get more in-depth as we go. First one is: What is your biggest inspiration?
Mutt: Oh, that's easy. The movie The Wild One.
Todd (chuckles) I should have guessed that already. Okay, next question: What is your favorite childhood memory?
Mutt: Uh, man, that could take a while…
Todd: Take your time.
Mutt: Well, I have a really fond memory of going to a library with Ox when I was ten. He introduced me to Milton.
Todd: John Milton, the famous poet?
Mutt: Yeah, same guy. I remember Paradise Lost. Crazy read.
Todd: Indeed it was. (looks at paper) Describe a moment where you were beaten, or outwitted, or humiliated, and how you got through the situation.
Mutt: Great. I've got to tell you 'bout a time I screwed up.
Todd: I'm sorry. I'm required to ask these questions.
Mutt (rubs eyes) Uh, there was something that happened not too long ago actually, while I was in the Amazon with Jones, Mom and the Ox.
Todd: Tell me about it.
Mutt: We were searching for Akator, and we-
Todd: Wait, Akator? What's that?
Mutt (sighs) It was a lost city. We were trying to return a crystal skull. But anyways, we were captured by Russians, led by some lady named Spalko, and at some point we escaped. I fought her in a duel.
Todd: A duel?
Mutt: With swords, you know?
Todd: There were swords available?
Mutt: She carried them around.
Todd: Oh. (looks confused) Anyway, continue.
Mutt: I dueled her, and I actually did pretty good, despite being on speeding cars through the jungle.
Todd: No kidding.
Mutt: I know, right? Totally crazy! But it happened.
Todd: So I assume you lost this duel?
Mutt (looking wounded) Yeah. That's how I got this scar. She then started doing some martial arts stuff, and totally beat me up. If it weren't for Jones showing up, I would have gotten run over when she kicked me off the jeep.
Todd: So you survived? And did this experience affect you somehow? Emotionally?
Mutt: Well, it definitely didn't feel good getting beat. So I guess I felt really crummy afterwards. But I didn't get a chance to really think about it until after we got away from the ants…
Todd: (sighs) Do I even want to know?
Mutt: You probably don't. It gets ugly.
Todd: Okay, let's move on. Have you ever been in love? Been attracted romantically to anyone?
Mutt: Sheesh, man, I dunno. I've known a lot of girls, especially during my fencing education. When I kept winning bets by betting on myself to win, I got pretty popular for a while, especially with the chicks. There were a few cute ones, but I don't think any of 'em was wife material.
Todd: So you were something of a ladies' man back then?
Mutt: Not really. Although I'm probably gonna become one for real soon, if Jones is right about scars being attractive to girls…
Todd: Right. Okay, next one might be a little discomforting-
Mutt: More than asking if I ever slept with a chick?
Todd: That wasn't what the question was! It was about romantic relationships, not sexual ones!
Mutt: I'm kidding, doc.
Todd: (in frustrated tone) Anyways, next question. Here goes… Have you ever witnessed death?
(Awkward silence.)
Todd: I'm afraid you're required to answer at least yes or no.
Mutt: (sighs) I've seen a couple. There was that cemetery guard that Jones knocked off, a really mean Russian colonel, that McHale guy…
Todd: George McHale? The man you mentioned last time as betraying your father?
Mutt: Yeah. He got sucked into another dimension.
Todd: Uh-huh. Were you close to McHale?
Mutt: Heck no! The guy turned on us!
Todd: Right, right. Okay, we've reached the last question, and then we'll be done for the day. You ready?
Mutt: Sure, lay it on me.
Todd (clears throat) What do you think of your father? And how do you think he thinks of you?
(Another silence. Mutt shifts uneasily in his chair.)
Todd: Mutt? Are you all right?
Mutt: (moaning) Of all the questions…
Todd: It's all right. Just tell me what you really think.
Mutt (takes deep breath) You really wanna know? Fine. Jones is a coward.
Todd: (shocked) What?
Mutt: (voice rising) Yeah, a coward. You got a better word to describe a guy who abandons a woman a week before marrying her? And on top of that, a woman he just got pregnant?
Todd: Well, I-
Mutt: That's right, you don't. Jones chickened out on my mom, and for that, he's a rotten coward.
Todd: Surely you can forgive him for not knowing that you mother was preg-
Mutt: I know! You think I haven't thought about trying to talk to him about it? But I never can seem to get a private moment with him. Whenever I see him, he's either grading some stupid college paper, or studying bits of pottery, or deciphering some gibberish language, or dating a treasure map… I try to get him to play chess every now and again, and his excuse every time? "Sorry, kid, I got work to do. Go play with your switchblade."
Todd: You sound very bitter.
Mutt: No shit I'm bitter! If you had to live with the fact that your dad wasn't around for your early life because he got the spooks about being a husband, you'd be pretty damn bitter too!
Todd: Mutt, please calm down. I understand you feel a great deal of anger towards your father for not being there-
Mutt: Yeah! I miss talking with Ox, but he's off in Egypt studying some weird tablet thing. I wrote him a letter, but haven't gotten a reply yet. Even Ox is too busy for me.
Todd: What about your mother? Surely she is there for you?
Mutt: Oh, brother, my mom…
Todd: What is it?
Mutt: Even Mom's been kind of snappish lately. All because I don't want to go to some stupid archaeology class…
Todd: You realize she only wants what is best for you…
Mutt: No, she wants me to be just like Jones! That's the last thing on earth I want, is to have a guy like him as a role model. Next thing you know, I'll promise to marry some chick, and then turn yellow when the moment of truth comes! I've done my research on Jones. He's got a track record of unfaithfulness. There was a nightclub singer, who's married a Hollywood director since Jones dumped her…there was some lady who thought she was psychic and was obsessed with Atlantis…a CIA agent who was after some stupid staff…
Todd: Sometimes it takes a while for a man to find the right person for him.
Mutt: Yeah, that would make sense, except that a lot of these women he met only after having a falling out with my mom at some point previously!
Todd: (sighing) Mutt, I can't emphasize enough how much I feel for your situation, but you need to realize that holding a grudge against your own blood is unhealthy.
Mutt: And he's afraid of snakes? Where did that come from?
Todd: (checks watch) I'm very sorry Mutt, but we're out of time for today. We'll continue this discussion next week, I promise.
Mutt: (panting heavily) Sorry, doc. Didn't mean to get so worked up.
Todd: That's fine. But this is all good stuff, getting your feelings out there. That's why these questions are good. I'll see you next week, then.
(Mutt stands up, and straightens out his leather jacket.)
Mutt: Yeah, see ya, doc. And thanks for understanding.
Todd: Tell your parents I give my regards.
Mutt: (snorts) Yeah, if Jones even hears me walk in the door…
(Mutt exits the room.)