Been listening to a bit of Demi Lovato today so here is another! All reviews are very greatly received. Hope you enjoy...
Dear Johnny.
Four years old with my back to the door
All I could hear was the family war
You weren't there. You didn't witness it. You didn't protect me. You missed all the rows, the fights, the flying fists. Stuck there night after night with the drunk that was my mother. She doesn't deserve the title of 'mother' in the same way that you don't deserve 'father'. That is a title that is earned, earned through showing your love and time. You have earned many titles from me but father will never be amongst them.
All the nights when she'd be out on a bender, the nights when we'd wonder if she'd ever come back, the nights she told me she never wanted to see me again. You weren't there for those nights, the nights when I needed you most. You weren't there then so I don't need you now.
You can't take back what we never had
I hope you've been plagued by guilt for all of your waking moments. Maybe that's why you made a half-hearted attempt to make up for things. How can you think that throwing a bit of money my way and taking me on a holiday constitutes looking out for me?
The only person you were looking out for is yourself.
I didn't need a new toy, a caravan holiday or a new pair of shoes. I needed someone to hug me, someone to listen to me at the end of the day, someone to make me a packed lunch. I didn't care for extravagance but that's you all over. Throwing your money around to make up for your guilty conscience.
Oh, I can be manipulated
Only so many times,
You can't turn up here now and pretend that you care. You've thrown money at my business, a business that I've ploughed my whole life into, you swoop in here with your money and you want to be crowned hero? Good old Johnny saving the day, always there to help people out. I wonder what people would make of your dirty little secret.
That's all I am isn't it anyway. A dirty little secret. A secret that you didn't want people knowing about. What would they think of respectable business man, husband and father of two having a secret little love child that he didn't dare take claim to? Out of sight out of mind.
Before even "I love you"
Starts to sound like a lie
I've spent a lifetime making up for what I needed most. What I craved most. To be loved. That's all I needed. I've spent my entire life searching for that, searching for something to fill the void that you left. Someone to be there for me. I've found it on many occasions, not always in the right place. I've been very wrong.
I always wanted a father but I couldn't have it. Maybe that's why my relationships ended like this. Liam and Peter. I wanted them but I couldn't. Not really. They were never mine to have. I've always wanted what I couldn't have.
I've always wanted a father, but now you're here I'm not sure I do.
Don't you remember I'm your baby girl?
How could you push me out of your world,
Lied to your flesh and your blood
I've missed out on so much. So much more than just you. My little brother and sister. A pair who I'd have protected to within an inch of my life. I did with Rob, I would've with them. I could have played barbies with Kate and jumped in puddles with Aiden. We could've gone home, had a nice home cooked family meal, snuggled up into our pyjamas and read storybooks together. I'd have done anything for them. I still will.
They are not to blame for this. They don't deserve to be punished. Even I cannot be blamed for this one and seeing as though my so called mother is dead you, Johnny are the only person left to pick up the pieces. You are the one who kept this secret. You are the one that needs punished.
I will invite you to mine and Nick's wedding. I will invite you just so that you can see Roy walk me down the aisle. An aisle that I have walked many times and yet you have never held me, never offered me your fatherly words, never wished me luck and happiness in my blossoming relationship.
Roy has been the one to look out for me. When I lost my baby girl he was the one who came to the hospital, who sat with me whilst I sobbed my soul out, who then visited me everyday once I was home. He didn't have to do any of that, I'm not blood of his but he cared. He took on the role of my father, a title that he deserves and so much more from me. You owe him a thank you because he was there in the times you weren't.
When my baby girl was growing inside me I would've done anything, anything to protect her, anything to love her. I would've stopped at nothing to make my little girl the happiest little girl around. I'd have given her everything in me. When I saw her on the screen for the first time, I cried. Tears of pure love. I have no idea how you couldn't have felt love for a tiny, innocent baby. But you didn't. I was an inconvenience.
Oh, father, please, father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
I think I preferred not knowing who my father was. At least that way there was no one I had to face, no one to look in the eye, no one to feel anger at. It was a faceless name. But now, now you're here and I'm so lost, so confused.
There's a part of me that wants to run and hide, never see you again, just forget that you ever existed.
There's a part of me that wants to run and hit you, slap you, let you feel all of the pain that you left me with.
There's a part of me that wants to run and hug you, hold onto and never let you go. Tell you I understand and forgive you.
Only time will tell which part of me I will let rule.
Was I so bad that you couldn't be there? You couldn't be there...
For the love of a daughter