Title: Only If For A Night
Category: TV Shows » Castle
Author: greygirl03
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Drama, Romance, General
Title: Only If For A Night
Disclaimer: Sadly the amazing show that is Castle does not belong to me, nor does Nathan Fillion (as amazing as he his)!
Spoilers: Through part of Season 4
Rating: T (due to suggestive themes)
A/N: Okay. So I know that some of you might want to very well kill me for posting this when all of my other stories are still (unfinished) in the works, but I've done this plenty of times before. I always have to decide whether or not the things I've written are worthy of posting. This one has been on my harddrive for quite a while and I've decided that it's time I let other eyes see it. A lot of Castle fans out there are wondering how Castle's secret will come out, and what it will do to his relationship with Kate. I will warn you this ficlet contains a little bit of everything. It has Angst, Drama, and some Caskett moments towards the end (Castle/Kate), which is why it's rated T. I hope that you will check it out and give it a read. I put a fair amount of work into it. Please please please review if you like it! Thanks for reading!
"So," I hear Castle's timid voice speak out next to me as I shutdown my computer for the night. I push the keyboard away from me and take a sudden interest in the now black screen in front of me. The old junky computer takes forever to shut down completely and I drum my fingers gently on the desktop as I wait. "What are your plans for this evening?"
I can feel his eyes on me. I can always feel his eyes on me, and I'm not exactly sure if I like it, or if it just drives me crazy. With a whine the processor finally stops and the screen turns black. I realize that I have to face him now that I have no other excuse. I let out a sigh as I turn my body to face him, and I reach up to rub away the kink in my neck that hours of slumping over my desk has put in it. He's sitting in his chair, his body angled ever so slightly so as to give him a better view of me. He has a smile on his face and I immediately realize that whatever he wants can't be good. I'm talking about the infamous look in his eyes that makes him look more akin to a twelve-year-old boy than a thirty-six year old man. As much as it pains me to admit it, I find his smile particularly charming and so freaking adorable at the same time. Despite this fact, I try to be stern as I lean towards him to reply. I prop my elbows on the corner of my desk and lean in, in hopes that the gesture will be more intimidating. Unfortunately, Rick seems completely unbothered by it. In fact, he seems to welcome the close proximity himself.
"Well?" Rick asks patiently.
"Well," I sigh, "my plan was to go home and curl up with a good book and a nice glass of wine." I flinch slightly as Castle suddenly makes a sound of displeasure in the back of his throat. He was clearly not pleased with my response, and I find it condescending. I finally let my feelings take over and ask the question I should have in the first place. "What is it you want, Castle?"
"You know what I want, Kate," Castle's voice is surprisingly soft. I force myself to swallow and suddenly a heat takes over my body. It spreads from my shoulders, my neck, and beyond. I quickly force myself to look away and reach up to brush my hair from my eyes. Normally, I'm not so shy, but in this moment, I have to conceal my blush. I don't want him to know the sort of affect that he has on me.
When I'm sure I've regained my composure, I look back to see him looking visibly upset. It's almost as if I've wounded him with my silence. I almost forget why he looks so sad, but then it all comes back. It has to do with the four words that I've pretended that I never heard. I can see almost every expression and feeling that passes through his overly expressive, soft blue eyes. They're so bright and deep at the same time. They seem so bottomless and for the faintest of moments I suddenly think that I could spend all day drowning in them.
"Castle," I don't mean for his name to come off my tongue in the way it does, because I know it makes it sound like I pity him right now. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't pity him, but I don't pity him for the reason you might expect. First of all, I'd like to get something out in the open right now. I love Richard Alexander Rodgers. God only knows how much I love the man, and for that very same reason, I do pity him. I pity him because I know how hard it can be to get me to open up. I've done nothing but push him away over and over and over again, when he's stuck by me so completely over the last few years. The fact is, he deserves so much more than me and I still wait for the day he figures out that I'm nowhere near as extraordinary as he thinks I am.
"Can we please not have this conversation right now?" I find myself pleading with him. Again he looks crestfallen with my response. I know that it isn't fair of me to keep putting it off, but I'm just not ready to address my feelings for him just yet. We've been through so much the past few months. My recovery from the bullet meant to kill me, and the task of pretending that it hasn't affected the way I view my own life, has left me exhausted and confused. I know that Castle can't help it, but I often catch him looking at me as if I'm something fragile. It's almost as if he's afraid that one day I'll disappear in front of his eyes. That in itself has put an unbearable weight on our usually light banter.
"Fine, detective," Castle replies with a sigh, "I can tell you're not interested." I feel slight panic as he stands up with his coat folded over his arm. "All I wanted was to take you out for a couple of drinks," he sighs again, "Maybe some other day, then?" I open my mouth to reply and then close it when I can't force a reply. I swallow, my throat suddenly dry. He can't know, can he? I mean how on earth would Richard Castle know it's my birthday? The answer comes to me quickly. Ryan and Esposito. That's how.
"They told you, didn't they?" Kate found herself exhaling, "Ryan and Esposito. They told you that it's my birthday."
"I don't reveal my sources," Castle replies with a wry smile, confirming what I know already. Despite the fact I'm determined not to, I can't help the smile that makes it way onto my lips.
"You're not going to give up that easily, are you?" I find myself asking, meeting his boyish grin, and sparkling blue eyes with my own.
"Nope," he replies with another bright smile and a wink. Although I quickly realize that his smile doesn't quite meet his eyes. I feel my own heart clench painfully. "Come on," he persists one last time, "It's just a couple of drinks on your birthday. You've got to live a little, detective. After all, another year is cause for celebration. Is that really too much to ask?"
"Says the man that lives a little too much," I find myself pointing out. "I don't know…I'm just really tired tonight, Castle. Sorry."
"Okay," He sighs finally, "Well, at least I can say that I tried." With that he starts walking away, without waiting for a reply. I know he's waiting for me to stop him. In fact, I'm sure he's betting on it. But I'm determined not to let him win until I look down at my watch and realize what time it is. I feel my resolve weaken slightly as I realize that I've hardly been out once since coming back to work eight weeks ago. Without meaning to, my fingers dart to the scar on my chest. I take a deep breath as the scar serves its purpose and acts as a reminder. 'Life is short.' I think to myself. I see Castle's eyes lock with mine as he turns back one last time, slowing his retreat. He's still waiting for me to bite. His expression is soft and patient. I know he won't push me any more than he already has. He's not going to make me do something I don't want to do. I see Castle's shoulders sag slightly as I pick up my phone of the desk and look at it for a long moment. Finally, I bring myself to stand up. His brows rise on his forehead in a silent question, as if to say, "So…?"
"Fine," I say with a wry smile, "You've got me. But I reserve the right to leave whenever I want."
"Deal," Castle's giddy and childish smile is already plastered across his face as he experiences victory. Immediately he perks up a little. I feel the cool metal of the phone as I slide my fingertips across the display to check for any missed calls. It's still early, and I've got nothing to speak of except for a couple texts from Lanie, wishing me a Happy Birthday.
"Hey, do you know where Ryan and Esposito went off to?" I breathe aloud as the thought occurs to me. "Maybe we could invite them to come along?"
"Huh?" Castle shrugged, looking around. "That's funny. I have no idea where they have gone. If I had to guess, I'd suspect that maybe they're off romancing their girlfriend's." He swallowed, looking thoughtful, "We could still call them though, and extend the invite."
"That's fine," I sigh, "I'll call on the way. If they are busy? So be it." I pull my jacket off the back of the chair. Before I can even contemplate the minor struggle of getting into my coat, Castle is helping me into it with a gentle touch. That's just the kind of person he is, I think to myself. He's considerate. Sometimes overly so, but I appreciate it. It still hurts to manipulate my left shoulder sometimes. It is more of a shooting pain than anything else. The doctor said it would go away with time. "Ready to go?" I ask as I turn to him with a smile. He smiles in return.
"Ready when you are," he replies candidly, offering me his arm.
"Where were you thinking we'd go?" Sort of already knowing the answer to that particular question.
"I was thinking we'd go to the Old Haunt," Castle replied thoughtfully, "Unless you want to stop for a bite to eat first?"
"We could pick up a couple burgers from Remy's on the way," I suggested, as my stomach rumbled with impeccable timing. "I'm kinda starving right now."
"Remy's it is," Castle smiled, "Lucky for you, I've got them on speed dial, and I'm sure Sean will make a special exception for you on your birthday and let us take them to go." I can't help but feel warm butterflies take over as we walk toward the awaiting elevator. You see. This is the effect that Castle always has on me. No matter what mood I'm in, he always surprises me with his kindness. He always knows how to make me smile. He knows what makes me laugh, and what will earn him an eye roll. He has always been there from me. He's been there for me from day one, and all I truly want is to be there for him too.
Within minutes, I'm taking big munching bites out of my burger as Castle makes his way through traffic on the way to the Old Haunt. Just as I finish, he pulls into the empty spot reserved especially for him and shifts the car into park. He waits for me as I freshen up a quick moment, and slowly turn to climb out. This is my least favorite part, because it's still hard to push myself up and out. I jump slightly as Castle's gentle hand takes mine in his and carefully helps me out. I stand close to him for a moment, and he carefully closes the door behind him. The cool night air bites at us, but we don't move as I meet his eyes.
"You okay?" he asks concernedly. "You do look like you're pretty tired. Maybe I was wrong to pressure you into coming."
"I'm good," I assure him. "Thanks for helping."
"Anytime you need it," he says quietly, followed by a smile. He offers me his hand and I take it. We wait for a car to pass us and Castle looks both ways before leading me across the street. With his other hand, he sends some sort of text message. I can't tell what it is, and it kind of bugs me, but I let it go. We pause outside the door. He takes his sweet time opening the door for me. The idea that this could be some sort of surprise doesn't even cross my mind until I step from the last stair and look up. I see all of my friends staring back at me. Oh God, I think just as they all shout, "Surprise." I feel shock and embarrassment. How could I have missed this? For a moment I feel as if I'm about to faint. Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, Jenni, and dozens of others stare back at me.
"Stay calm," I hear Castle whisper in my ear. I feel the pressure of his hand against the small of my back. Ever so gently, he's nudging me forwards. I turn to him, my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
"You did this?" I accuse as I whirl around. I imagine I don't look very happy, but then again, I've never been one for surprises. For the faintest of moments, I see guilt flash across his features. He hesitates.
"Why?" he asks softly, with a childish smile, "Am I in trouble?"
"No, it's just that I…" I let my voice trail off as I decide to say something else. After all, I should say thank you. "Thank you," I say calmly, my eyes meeting his. "This is really something, Castle."
"I wish I could take the credit, but Lanie's the one that did most of the legwork," he whispers in my ear. "Now go have some fun." Again he pushes me forwards. I steal one last look at him and then turn back to start greeting all of the friends who came to see me. Minutes pass, as I make my way through the room one by one.
I finally find Lanie in the corner, and make my way across the floor, heading towards her. I've been looking for her all night. She is chatting with one of the lab techs and she smiles as her eyes find me. As I reach her, she pulls me into a tight hug. She looks adorable in a stunning strapless dress, with matching heels.
"Happy Birthday, sweetie," She speaks into my ear as she gives me one last squeeze. She speaks loudly over the music and I can still hardly hear her.
"Thank you," I can't help but smile. "I mean for all of this. I can't imagine how much work it was to put this all together. I can't thank you enough." I see Lanie's expression falter a little with confusion. She looks around the room for a minute.
"Not that I want to come across as looking like an idiot," Lanie breathed slowly, "But what is it you think I did exactly?"
"The surprise party," I say slowly, wondering why Lanie seems so confused. "Rick said you were responsible for arranging most of it." Then I added. "That surprised me because I really have no idea how you found the time to do it all."
"Oh honey," Lanie sighed sadly. "All I did was give him the phone numbers and addresses I had. He asked me who I thought he should invite, and asked if there was a way to get a hold of some of your old friends from the academy."
"Wait a minute," my heart suddenly fell, "Then who…?" Oh, crap… "He did all of this?"
"Think about it for a moment," Lanie said in the nicest way possible. "We're at the Old Haunt, which he owns. I'm pretty sure he did most of it. The decorations, the cake…everything."
"Then why would he tell me that he had nothing to do with it…?" I let my voice trail off. A sigh of my own escapes my lips as I reach up to run my hands grievously through my hair. "I can't believe that he would do all of this for me and then refuse to take credit for it."
"He probably didn't because he's afraid of the rejection," Lanie spoke honestly, "He doesn't want you to feel like you owe him anything, and he most definitely doesn't want the, "thanks but no thanks," response from you. My eyes dart around and I find him at the bar. He's sitting on a stool next to one of my old friends from the academy. Lanie finds him as well. "Not that I want to sound like a broken record," Lanie starts, "But you need to think very carefully about you want, Kate."
"I…" I open my mouth to speak, but can't manage anything else as Rick turns slightly to face the blond who is talking to him animatedly. I think he's just trying to be nice, but I have no way of knowing whether its his way of showing interest or not.
"Looks like someone is already biting," Lanie sighs. "Kate, look, I know you have feelings for him." I open my mouth to protest, but she knows me well enough to cut me off before I can do so. "Don't deny it," she says sternly. My stomach drops as I see the women reach out and set her hand on his knee. Something stirs inside me. I suddenly feel like something is trying to claw its way out. I can't help but feel very possessive. Lanie, sensing this punctuates her earlier words with one last statement. "Kate, please don't make the same mistake," Lanie begged. "Don't let him get away again. You deserve to be happy. More than anybody else here… Well, except for Castle that is."
"How do I know if he still wants to be with me?" I swallow, my hands clenching into fists as I feel more distress. With every second that passes, Rebecca seems to be getting closer and closer to what is mine. "He is mine!" I think to myself.
"You're kidding right?" Lanie says reaching out to touch my shoulder. I instantly relax at her touch. It's like she knows what watching them is doing to me. "Kate, Rick never would have told you he loved you if he didn't. The only reason he hasn't repeated those words to you is because he's afraid it will push you two apart if you don't feel the same way. The only thing he wants is for you to be happy. I mean… Why else do you think he went through all of the trouble of tonight?"
"I don't know what to do," I admit finally as I feel my heart start to pound out of control. "Lanie, I…"
"Ask him to dance," Lanie suggests, before grabbing my hand and giving it a slight squeeze. Then she pushes me ever so gently in Castle's direction. People have been doing a lot of that lately. "Then do me a favor and tell that man how you feel. Say thank you. Don't let him deny he's done what he has done for you. He deserves the recognition." I nod, and then take one step in his direction. Then I take another and another. My legs feel like they're about to give out at any moment. I'm not used to this feeling. I'm not used to feeling so petrified. But I have to do this. I have to make my move now, before I can lose him again. I don't think I'll live through it a second time. It's difficult to move in this place. It's so crowded with bodies I have to squeeze between countless people who give me a smile and wish me a happy birthday. I nod and smile grateful for their wishes, but my mind is focused on one thing, getting to Rick Castle. After what seems like an eternity I burst through the last of the crowd and come up right behind him. Rebecca laughs, a wild and free laugh that shows abandon.
"I can't believe she actually did that," Rebecca manages to choke out, "The Kate Beckett I know, was a stickler for that kind of behavior. She would have never participated in a bet of any kind."
"Hey," I manage to choke out, surprised to hear my voice sound quite normal. I thought it would come out sounding strangled or distorted. Instantly, Rebecca turns and meets my eyes.
"Hey!" She launches herself off of the chair and pulls me into a hug. "It's so good to see you! Happy Birthday!" She releases me quickly, as she is probably afraid of the gesture being awkward. We were pretty good friends for a while. We haven't talked much lately because she wound up staying in vice, while I put in for the open position in homicide and got the promotion.
"What did I miss?" I ask in as friendly a manner as I can muster, all the while thinking. "I like you, but he's mine, Becca! Mine! So help me…"
"Oh nothing," Becca smiles, "Rick was just telling me about some of the more interesting stories from the 12th precinct… Well, they're mainly about you, specifically."
"Oh?" my voice inflects in amusement. Immediately, Castle throws up his hands in a defensive, standoffish manner. "Hey, I didn't tell her about anything out of bounds, I swear."
"Easy, Castle," I find myself laughing. "I'm not going to yell at you for telling stories. I just wanted to know if I can have the next dance." I see a look of surprise flash across his features.
"Are you sure?" he sounds slightly insecure, but then catches himself. "I mean…Sure! Of course! I'd be honored, detective." Quickly, he slides off the stool and offers me his hand. I take it as my eyes meet Rebecca's. Ever so slightly, I show my possessiveness.
"Mind if I steal him for a bit?" I ask more out of politeness than anything else. She smiles, looking genuinely happy for me and I realize that maybe, just maybe I was a little too aggressive. I guess I just can't help myself. I'm not willing to lose him a second time. Not to another blonde. Not to anyone.
Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm still a little sore when it comes to blonde women and Castle. That's mainly Gina's fault.
"Not at all," she shakes her head, "You two have fun. It was good to see you, Kate."
"Thanks! It was good to see you too," I nod, and with a tug of his hand I lead Castle towards the dance floor. We settle into a space that just opened up near the stage. I'm surprised with how many people are dancing. I step close to Castle, so that there is only a foot or so of space between us. The beat of the music is pretty fast, and I let his eyes drink me in as I dance with him. I run my hands gently across his chest. Every so often I reach up to run my hand through my hair. I can feel his eyes devouring me, and I relish in the feeling. I want him to want me the way I want him. And somehow, the way that he looks at me makes me feel attractive. It makes me think that he does want me.
Before I know it the song has ended and a much slower song comes on. Suddenly, I feel like I'm back at the winter formal dance in high school, or prom. Butterflies take over, and my palms start to sweat. As the nerves take over and overwhelm me, I find myself getting lost. I have no idea what to do. I look up to see that Castle also looks slightly uncomfortable. It is probably because he's afraid of doing something wrong.
I step forwards, deciding to take charge, and look up at him. I swallow. My throat is suddenly dry as the desert as my eyes meet the most beautiful blue. God, his eyes are so blue, I could easily be staring into the ocean or the sky on a clear summer's day. I can hardly breathe. With a touch that is so gentle it can hardly be detected, his hands reach out for my hips. The pressure. It's almost enough to drive me crazy. Neither of us dares to look away as the words drone on. Every so often I manage to catch some words, emanating around us.
I wanna be there for you,
someone you can come to
runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you,
"Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?" he breathes softly, his eyes never leaving mine. And I melt. I literally melt into him. I pull him closer.
"No," I breathe, "Thank you. You look pretty good yourself, you know?" He smiles. And again, I feel my heart start to beat out of control. So this is what it feels like? Being in love…
Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your eyes
The sun kisses the earth
and I hush my urge to cry, cry
His eyes are so incredibly soft, they seem to be gazing into the depths of my soul, and for the briefest of moments I wonder what he sees. My breathing hitches as one of his hands slips around to my back, and he pulls me ever so closer. He knows. Somehow, he knows it is what I wanted. I want to be close to him. Always.
I wanna be there for you,
someone you can come to
runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you,
"You okay?" he whispers into my ear. His breath is so warm, I cannot help the shiver that shoots up my spine, nor the warmth that seems to be spreading out from where his hands touch my body.
"I've never been better," I whisper honestly as I wrap my arms around him, pulling myself closer. I hear his breathing hitch, but he seems to catch himself. With reckless abandon, I lay my head against his shoulder. He shifts so that his nose and mouth brush the top of my head and I hear him take a deep breath. I know exactly what he's doing because I'm doing the same thing. God, he's breathing me in, just as surely as I'm breathing him in right now. He smells so wonderful, I find myself closing my eyes, and relishing the sensation. Not only of his sweet smell, but also of the loud, slightly staccato heartbeat I feel against my cheek through the fabric of his shirt. I love him. I love this man.
I listen to the sound of his breathing, his heart, and the music that wafts around us. This moment is so perfect, and I wish nothing more than to freeze this moment and to stay in it forever. I freeze as I suddenly realize what I've just thought. This isn't me. I'm Kate Beckett. I don't believe in stuff like this. I don't believe in magic, and fairytales, and happy endings. So how have I wound up here, so sure of the love that I feel for him as surely as I've ever felt anything before? Perhaps, even more. Then I realize. It's because somehow, I do believe it. Somehow, I do believe in happy endings. I believe in love. And I believe in it because Castle has made me believe. He's made me sure that it exists. Simply by always being there with unwavering loyalty and beautiful words. Suddenly, I feel the need to say so.
'Cause I hear the whispered words
Within you're masterpiece beautiful
Speak the unspeakable phrase
I love you too
My breathing hitches in my throat, as I struggle with myself. By the time I'm ready say it, I feel as if I'm ready to scream it from the top the buildings around us. I pull back, and am quickly met with a look of concern from Castle. He looks as if he is afraid that he has done something wrong… He looks as if he is afraid that he has done something to upset me. I try to tell him with my eyes that he's done nothing wrong. Slowly he leans forward and for a moment, I feel as if he's going to kiss me. In fact, I'm sure of it, but he stops. His forehead brushes ever so gently against mine, and he reaches up and places his hand on either side of my cheeks. My eyes close in complete relaxation. Castle beats me to the punch.
"I love you, Kate," he whispers. "I hope you know that."
"Thank you, Castle I…" I open my mouth to reciprocate, but am interrupted.
"Katie?" my dad's voice has my eyes opening. I meet Castle's eyes and he quickly pulls away. I immediately miss the warmth of Castle's arms as he pulls away from me completely in surprise. I turn to meet my father's open arms, and he pulls me into a hug.
"Hey, Dad," I smile. I'm slightly frustrated at the interruption. But after all, he's my father.
"Happy Birthday," he breathes as he claps me on the back gently. As he pulls away, he meets Rick's eyes. "Hey Rick," he greets with a soft smile. I know that they've grown close over the last few months.
"Good to see you, Mr. Beckett," he greets with a handshake, "I'm glad you could make it."
"Please," my dad corrects, "As I've said before, call me Jim." Castle nods. "Do you mind if I cut in?" my father asks, and like a perfect gentlemen, Castle replies.
"Not at all," he smiles, "She's all yours." Slowly, Castle leans in and brushes a kiss against my cheek.
"Have fun," he whispers before he quickly slips away. Another slow song starts playing, and my father pulls me close.
Immediately, he whispers in my ear. "I interrupted something didn't I?" he asks with a small chuckle. "I'm sorry."
"No," I force myself to lie. I don't want to make my dad feel bad. But he knows better.
"It's okay, Katie. I… I'm sorry if I did."
"Don't be," I try to make him feel a little better, "It's good to see you."
"It's good to see you too," he replies. "I still can't believe it," he smiles, "my little girl is all grown up."
"Dad," I try to stop him. I'm afraid that if he gets sentimental, I'm going to get emotional.
"Thirty two years old," he continues. "I'm so glad you're still here." I don't know why, but this is where I lose it. Perhaps it is because I'm glad to be here too. I'm glad that I'm still alive, because I have a feeling that I have so much more to live for than I did just a few years ago. I have so much living to do, in general. Anyways, tears build in my eyes, and I reach up to wipe them away.
"I'm glad to be here too," I finally say. "I love you, dad."
"I love you too, Katie," he smiles. "Now how about you go find Rick and say what it is you were going to say."
"How do you…?" I cut myself off, not bothering to finish the question. After all, the saying is, that a father always knows. "Never mind," I breathe. "I'll find him in a minute. I just want to dance with you a little while longer."
I can't help it. I realize that I've lost sight of him and I immediately feel a sense of loss. He'd arranged this all. All for me, and I can't help but feel overwhelmed with Castle's thoughtfulness. My father twirls me around and around, as our song comes on next. How Castle knew this was our song, I don't want to know. I just go with it, trying to enjoy the moment. It is yet another thing that amazes me. Castle is just that insightful. He always knows.
"Go," my father encourages as the song ends, and I give him one last hug. Just as the song finally ends I catch Castle heading for the door. He looks distressed about something, and I can't figure out if I've done something to upset him. Without a second thought, I rush for the door, trying to head him off.
"You trying to sneak out of here early?" my voice has him freezing just inside the door. As he turns around, I can't help but feel that I might have been spot on with my accusation, because if his expression is any indication, I've just caught him with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar.
"Hey," he gives me a small smile, but something still seems wrong. The way his hands are shoved into his pockets and his eyes dart to the door every few seconds tells me he's aching for some sort of escape.
"Is everything all right?" I can't help but ask. I worry about him sometimes. He's always on me about my lack of openness, but in many ways he's just as guilty of concealing certain things from me.
"Yeah," he swallows, his eyes darting to the floor. "It's just that something came up and I really need to…" he stops himself there and I can see in his eyes that he's afraid he's already said too much. "Please. Don't let me spoil your evening."
"Castle," I find my throat getting tight just at the thought of how much he's done for me tonight. And no less, he did it all without asking a single thing in return. "I…I just wanted to thank you. I know I didn't make it easy, getting here tonight… but I really appreciate it... I mean it. I'll never be able to thank you enough for everything you did for me tonight."
"Ah. So Lanie told on me, huh?" he jokes softly.
"Castle," I shake my head, "What you did for me tonight… you deserve credit for. I haven't had this much fun in a long time. Please…just accept my thanks?"
"Of course," he nods. Then he adds. "I hope you know I'd do anything for you, Kate," he smiles, and I can see that he means it. "I think that sometimes, it's good to celebrate being alive, and recognize all of the good things in your life." I can't help but interject.
"Castle, If this is about last spring," I find myself jumping in, "I…"
"Yes," Castle immediately confesses, "The truth is, this has everything to do with last spring." He takes a deep staggering breath. "Kate, I…I almost lost you, and I think that, at the very least, I needed this just as much as you did." He meets my eyes as if testing the waters. "I meant what I said today, Kate. I love you. And if I'm being completely honest, then I should probably admit that I'm scared as hell at the possibility of losing you." My heart stops all over again, only this time I'm fortunate enough to be able to regain my normal rhythm rather quickly. Still, I feel as if my walls are crashing down. How can I not fall to a puddle at his feet? I open my mouth to speak, but he stops me, with a finger to my lips. "Don't… okay?" he pleads, "You don't have to say anything. I don't want to put you in that position... not right now. I… I just needed you to know how I feel." Despite the fact that my head is suddenly a mess, I manage a nod. My hands are shaking as he steps forwards. Before I can react he frames my face with his hands. His touch is incredibly gentle. His hands ghost over my flushed cheeks, and his thumbs sweep over my ears, just as they did the night we first kissed. For a minute, I think he's going to do it again, and I find myself yearning for it so. But he surprises me. He leans forwards, brushing his lips in the lightest of kisses on my forehead. Suddenly I feel so frustrated. My body, my mind is crying out for more. Why not kiss me, when his lips are so close to where I want them? As he starts to pull away, I roughly reach out and don't let him retreat. I pull him into me, using the lapels of his coat. I can tell he is surprised by my forwardness, but I don't care. I kiss him with everything I can muster. My tongue slips out and I persistently beg for entrance until he yields and gives me what I want. Suddenly our tongues tangle together, silken muscles battling for control, and I do my best to explore the confines of him at the same time. His mouth is so warm and inviting and I find myself giving him everything I have until my brain starts to scream for oxygen. It is with the biggest regret that I have to extract myself from something so unbelievably perfect. I didn't even realize I'd been moaning, until he moaned himself, or more like groaned at the loss. Our eyes lock and neither of us can look away. He looks stunned, and about a million other things. I can't make sense of all the emotions sweeping across his face, but for the most part, they seem to be good. My chest is heaving up and down. It's so clichéd, I know, but I'm definitely speechless and feeling a bit turned on.
"I got you something," Castle swallowed, seemingly the first to regain his voice, "I was going to wait to give it to you Monday, but here." He hands over a small parcel. I start to open it, but he stops me. "No. Wait. Please. Wait until I'm gone to open it?" he pleads.
"Castle," I find myself suddenly wanting to hold onto him. "Please don't go."
"I'm sorry," he looks genuinely so. "You have no idea how much I want to stay, but I really can't. It's important."
"And you can't tell me what it is?"
"No," he responds quickly, looking a little guilty.
"Okay," I try to hide the sudden hurt I feel. "Well, call me?"
"Of course," he smiles. "Take care, Kate. You should get back to your party. Remember to have fun tonight. You deserve it more than anyone." I relish the feeling as he pulls me into a tight hug, kissing the top of my head. With a small flourish, he's pushing open the door and walking outside. I watch as he walks across the street and climbs into his car before turning it on and speeding away. I'm left there clutching the parcel he placed in my hands. Before I can stop myself, I'm ripping it open. It's rectangular in shape, but relatively flat, as the paper comes away and I open the box, my jaw drops. I stare at what is inside without breathing, scarcely believing what I'm seeing.
It's a necklace, a dazzling chain and pendant that he caught me looking at during one of our most recent cases. I know for a fact that this piece is worth far more than I'd ever be able to afford. I stare at the pendant, the amber colored stone, which is also rectangular in shape, but very small, and I reach out to cup it in my palm. How he remembered this, I have no idea. But I'm astounded by it. Then I know. It has to do with Rick's suggestion to Montgomery about his anniversary earlier this year. It had to do with getting something that someone you love asks for when they don't think you're listening. Rick just proved that he always listened. I carefully set the pendant down in the box, and replace the lid. I quickly slip it into my purse, and slowly reach up to brush my hair out of my face. I still feel as if I'm in shock. How do you say thank you for something like this? I have no idea where to start. I can't help but feel anxious. I'm still not even sure I can accept something like this. When I think of how much it must have cost, it just seems like way too much.
Hours later, when the party slowly dies and guests slip out the door, I find myself getting anxious. I've called him several times and have left several messages. He's not answering. In fact, at some point over the last hour his phone as been turned off. Somehow, this only makes me worry more, and before I can stop myself, I'm headed over to his place.
When I get there, I flash my badge to the doorman. He looks at me for a long moment, as if there is something peculiar about me.
"Evening officer," he greets as he holds open the door for me. He looks troubled. It almost seems like I'm not the first officer he's seen tonight. Anyway, I shrug off the weird feeling, as I step inside into the warmth. The air is so bitterly cold outside. It is November after all, and it's snowing. I brush some flakes off of the shoulders of my coat as I head towards the elevator, slip off my gloves and press the button for Castle's floor.
When I step off the elevator, it is like I'm stepping into a whole other world. Immediately, I pass two officers in uniforms that are talking animatedly with their hands, I brush by them and my stomach sinks, as I see Castle's door wide open. Step by step I walk slowly for the door, peaking inside. The first thing I see are another few officers inside. I swallow, and my throat suddenly feels very tight. I see the look on Castle's face as he chats calmly with another pair of officers and I freeze. He seems very calm, but his expression betrays his own fear and unsettlement.
"Castle!" the name is out before I can stop it and his neck reflexively jerks as his eyes search for me. When I meet them, he swallows and I can see his adam's apple bob in his throat. His jaw tightens as if he's putting me on guard, and immediately I know he's trying to hide something from me. "What's going on?" I see him lock eyes with one of the other officers and he mutters something to them I can hear under his breath.
"Excuse me for a moment, please," Castle says as he meets the eyes of the officer and pardons himself from the conversation.
"Hey," he smiles at me, and I can tell immediately that it's forced because it doesn't quite reach his eyes. His eyes are incredibly expressive. I see only sadness. "What are you doing here?" he asks anxiously. "I wasn't expecting to see you until Monday."
"Sorry. I didn't mean to drop by so unexpectedly, but your phone was off and I got worried." I found myself apologizing. I can't help but feel slightly wounded by the obvious fact that my presence at this moment in time is completely unwanted. "I just wanted to thank you for the necklace," I swallow as I hold up the box, "But I can't possibly take this."
"Kate," Castle sighs, looking slightly dejected. "Please. It's a gift. I want you to have it."
"I love it, Castle, but this is just way too much," I shake my head, "I honestly can't believe you got it for me. It has to cost more than a month's paycheck. Castle, seriously… You shouldn't have."
"Why not?" he steps closer to me, reaching out with his arm. "I can't think of anyone in this city that is anymore deserving of that than you. And frankly, it's perfect. It brings out the color of your eyes."
"You don't have to win me over, you know?" I joke softly. "Because you've already done that over the last few months." This earns a smile and a chuckle from him that eases my worries a little.
"I'm glad to hear that," he says honestly, "Look, how about you keep it, because seeing you'd wear that would make me happy. And if you really insist, you take me out to dinner sometime to make it up to me."
"Hah," I laugh happily, "I see what you did there, and I'd like that."
"You would?" his eyes light up like a kid at Christmas. All traces of sadness are gone from his eyes in a blink, and they twinkle brightly in the light as I take a step forwards, reaching up with my free hand. Gently, I run my hand across his chest and up to his shoulder.
"Yeah," I breathe quietly, pretending as if the others in the room weren't there. "I'd really like that." I feel the need to punctuate this with a soft kiss. I catch him off guard, but he quickly pulls me close as if he needs the comfort. I feel his hands on my hips, and I can't stop myself. I want more. Always more. A moan of need slips from my lips and I'm suddenly hyperaware of every pair of eyes taking in this display of affection. As I pull away, he whispers my name so softly that only I can hear it, and it takes my breath away. I stare up at his eyes, as butterflies and jitters take over all over again. To think that every time I kiss this man it gets better and better, I can't imagine what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with him.
"So," I speak calmly as I look to the officers coming out of his study. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," he lies, and I remember that he's quite a bad liar. Even when he thinks I don't know. I always do. The movie at the Angelica? It was my own selfish desire to take him out that let him get away with the fib. So what if he'd seen the move before. I wanted someone to go with and I figured there was no one better than him. "I've got it all under control."
"There were no prints in the office," one of the CS techs announces as he waltzes from the room, holding a compact silver case that resembles an attaché. "They definitely got into the safe," he continues, not catching the glare Castle was currently giving him, "but it was my impression that there wasn't anything valuable inside." I watch as Castle visible winces. 'So much for Castle's evasive behavior,' I think. I've just heard all I need to know.
"No," Castle chokes out in a voice that sounds nothing like his own. "I have a secondary one upstairs that I already checked. All the important stuff is in there."
"Hold up! Someone broke in?" I can't help but interject.
"It's nothing," Castle mutters as he looks away. I can see he's clearly distraught about something else.
"I'm really sorry about your laptop, Mr. Castle," the tech comments.
"Thanks, Coulson," Castle replies, but his voice is clearly strained. "I really appreciate you coming out tonight."
"Just sorry I couldn't be of more help," he admits as he walks over to shake Castle's hand, "You take care, sir." Castle nods. I watch as Keith quickly walks out the door, looking as if he is eager to get away. I turn my eyes back to Castle, to find him staring at the wall with a blank expression on his face.
"Someone took your laptop?" I feel my heart sink, as I realize what that means. Castle probably just lost everything he'd written over the last few months.
"And my external hard drive," Castle manages to choke out in a dead sounding voice.
"Oh god, Castle, I'm so sorry." I apologize. He nods and sighs. He suddenly looks as if he is in physical pain. He manages to walk over to his couch and plops down. Tentatively, I walk over and sit myself down next to him. Slowly, carefully, I reach out and take his hand, giving it a squeeze. He tries to smile, but gives up. I can tell he's torn up about something. "Why?" I just had to ask. "Why would someone do that?"
"They probably thought it had something important on it," he breathes despondently, dropping his head into his hands. I watch as he runs his fingers into his hair and fists it, pulling on it as if to relieve some of the tension in his body.
"You mean your writing?" I ask.
"No," he groans, "Not my writing. S-Something else."
"What else?" I press, hoping I can get him to open up to me. "What else would they have been after?"
"Kate," he shakes his head, "I can't really answer that question. Not now."
"Why not?" I feel frustrated and confused. 'Why is he shutting me out like this?' All I really want is to help and he's making it impossible.
"Kate," he turns to me and meets my eyes. "Please. Not right now."
"What? So that's it?" I ask with an edge of annoyance to my voice.
"You should probably go, Kate," he sighs, "Now really isn't a good time."
"I want to help," I say angrily. "Why won't you let me?"
"Because you can't help," he answers honestly, "and anything I tell you is only going to upset you." I happen to look up as an officer approaches us.
"Mr. Castle," he starts tentatively, as if he knows what he's about to say Castle won't like the least bit. "Our recommendation is that you find somewhere else to stay, at least for the immediate future. Given what you've shown us, and the threats made against your life, we feel as if you might not be safe here."
"Thanks Joseph," Castle replies in a monotone voice. "Alexis and Martha are already out of the city. I'll make arrangements and find somewhere to stay else until further notice…" My breath catches in my throat as I realize for the first time how serious this is. Someone has been making threats on Castle's life? Okay, this just got really scary.
"You can stay with me," I offer quickly.
"Kate, no," Castle cuts in as if there's no room for discussion.
"If someone is threatening to harm you?" I say forcefully, "I am not letting you out of my sight! Do you hear me?" Castle just shakes his head.
"No. I'm not putting you in harm's way," Castle denied me. "I'll stay somewhere else." He stands up and I watch him walk away. I feel numb as I watch him walk away. What is it that I don't know? Why won't he tell me? Suddenly the thought occurs to me. Oh god, it probably has to do with me. I did this. I put him in harm's way because of my unrelenting need to catch my mother's killer. Someone has probably realized just how close we have become after the shooting, and has decided to target him instead. I feel the pitying gaze of one of the other officers on me, and turn to meet his gaze.
"Don't mind him," he says softly, "It's been a long week." I quickly wonder what has happened over the last few days. Before I can stop myself, I'm standing up and walking into Castle's office. A gasp escapes from my lips as I realize that it's hardly recognizable. The whole room has been tossed. The picture behind his desk has been ripped open, and now hangs in tatters, revealing the safe beneath. Books litter the floor and papers are scattered all over the place. His printer has been smashed to bits. But none of these things hold a candle to the words written in blood on the wall. It's message is blunt and clear, it is a direct threat against Castle's life. I hear someone approach from behind me. Castle swallows and with a gentle touch he reaches out to put his hand on my shoulder.
"Castle…" it's the only thing I can manage to choke out. For the first time, I am literally speechless. What do you say to something like this? My goodness, I'm a detective whose job is full of horrors like this. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could possibly prepare me for seeing something like this, not when it directly affects someone I love.
"It looks worse than it is," he tries to explain, but we both know there's no point. Because it is as bad as I think it is. It is as bad as it looks.
"I made a reservation at the St. Regis," he whispers in my ear, clearly not wanting anyone else to overhear, "I'm just going to grab some things and I'll head there."
"Why are you telling me this?" I ask, turning around to face him.
"In case you really insist on coming with me," he shrugs. And finally, finally, I can let out a sigh of relief. Because I realize that he does want me to stay with him.
"I do," I choke out, meeting his eyes. "I have a gun, and thrive in hand to hand combat. I can protect you."
"Kate," he sighs, "I just want you to understand one thing. This… This is a lot bigger than you and I. What we're stuck in the middle of? It's dangerous. Deadly. I think you know that better than anyone." Suddenly I understand what he's trying to say.
"Is this about my Mother's murder?" I can't stop myself from blurting out.
"Shh!" he stops me before I can say anything else. "Not here, okay? I…I'll explain everything when we get to where we're going." I nod, my heart pounding out of control as I realize, through his reaction that this is exactly what this is about. The guilt feels overwhelming. If I'd just listened to him and dropped her case when he told me, Montgomery would still be alive, and Castle's life wouldn't be under a serious threat now. The thought that losing Castle might be an actual possibility scares the hell out of me. I cannot lose him. I can't even think about what my life would be without him. I owe him my life. I owe him so much more than I could ever even begin to say.
"Come on," I swallow. "Let's get what we need and go." He nods, taking my hand in his and leads me next door, into his bedroom. He pulls out a bag and starts throwing some clothes into it. As I watch him, I suddenly realize his hands are shaking. Badly. I don't know if it's fear or adrenaline. It's probably both. Wordlessly, I start helping him in any capacity I can. Every so often he asks me to grab something and I follow his directions. In the matter of a few minutes we've packed all of his things. He slings the bag over his shoulder.
"You ready to go?" he asks, looking anxious and uncomfortable.
"Let's go," I say decisively, hoping that my steadfast behavior will make him feel a little safer. As we head into the garage, he looks for his car. Then he freezes, and I walk into the back of him.
"Did you drive here?" he asks finally, turning to face me.
"No. I took a taxi," I reply. "It's a little too cold for the Harley." He chuckles, looking around. I can tell he doesn't want to take any one of his cars.
"Right. Okay," he swallows, "Well, I need you to do me a favor."
"Anything," I promise without pause.
"When we're in the car? Don't say a word. If you notice anyone following us, tug on your left ear," he breathes quietly into my ear. I nod, assuring him that I've heard and understand the instructions.
"Okay," he breathes again, and picks out his Mercedes. I climb into the passenger seat and watch as he throws his bag in the back without saying anything. He climbs in, slamming the door. Wordlessly, he puts his key in the ignition and turns it over. The engine roars to life and he quickly reverses out of the spot. As we pull out of the garage he looks visibly uncomfortable. I can tell because he's gripping the steering wheel a lot tighter than he needs to be. Suddenly, I remember I'm supposed to be looking for any signs of someone following us and I've already let down my guard. I'm failing miserably. I feel my skin start to crawl as I stare into the passenger side rear-view mirror. I see a pair of headlights. He makes a right turn and the car behind us makes that same turn. I stare with fascination. He makes a left. I swallow uneasily as the car follows us through another turn. Castle picks up speed as traffic ahead of us thins, and I think that maybe he's noticed it too. We go several blocks. This time, without hardly any notice he takes a right. I see the car speed around the corner behind us and I now know without a doubt we're being followed. I reach up to tug at my left ear, and Castle floors it. I grip the handle next to the window and turn around to get a look at the car.
"Faster," I encourage, but the engine is already revving. Lights start to whiz by and my stomach churns as I realize that we're now in the midst of a high speed chase and have to lose the people behind us. We go faster and faster. Horns honk at us as we skid through one intersection. The car jolts as Castle doesn't quite make the turn and side swipes a car headed in the opposite direction, I see Castle's head snap to the left and reach out to pull the wheel as he recovers. He gulps and then takes over again. We whip around the next corner with tires squealing on pavement. Another car lays on their horn, as Castle forces them to swerve into oncoming traffic. I can tell he feels guilty for endangering other lives, but it works to our advantage as the car, and the one pursuing us, winds up in a mess of twisted metal. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I'm suddenly gasping for air. We speed through intersection after intersection. He runs a couple of yellows and takes a hard left. I'm impressed as Castle speeds into a public parking garage and speeds through row after row of cars, before ultimately speeding into an empty spot. With a jolt, we come to a stop and I throw my hands forwards to keep me from hitting the dash. As I recover, he shifts into park and switches off the engine.
"Come on," he calls after me as he climbs out, slams the front door, and opens the back to pull out his back. I sit frozen for a long moment in shock, my heartbeat still thundering in my ears. For a minute, I try to think of how he must be feeling. After all, I'm equipped to deal with things like this and I think that I'm still in shock. He opens my door for me and I pull my purse from the floor. He reaches inside and grabs my hand, tugging me from the now mangled car. I scramble out, and he slams the door shut behind me. I cringe as I walk around back and see the damage. I hear a curse fall from his lips and look up to meet his eyes. He looks at me for a long moment as if weighing his options. "Kate," he swallows, looking lost. "I know that this probably goes against everything you stand for," he looks so distraught that it's hard to see him in such a state, "but do you know how to boost a car."
"Do I ever…" I try to give the situation a bit of humor, just hoping that somehow I can thin the tension that seems to be ripping us apart. I give him a mischievous smile and as our eyes meet we seem to come to some bit of a wordless understanding. "Oh, the things you don't know about me, Castle… oh the things you don't know." He smiles back. I pick out a car, a few rows away. It's nice. And hands me a shim. I slip it into the space between door and the window. With a quick tug, I pull it upwards, and a click sounds as I successfully unlock the car, I silently think that I'm going to go to hell for this. Then I slide in. Castle hands me an extractor as he climbs into the passenger seat and I can't help but look at him with a raised brow.
"What?" he replies innocently and I can't keep the smile from his lips. "I figured we might need it." Using the tool, I quickly extract the cap from the ignition and, pull the wires from inside. I touch them together as try to get it to start. A few sparks and the engine roars to life. I clap my hands victoriously as Castle buckles himself in. I look over to him and see the bruising already causing the left side of his face to swell. A thin trail of blood is working its way down his face from a cut on his forehead. I try not to think about it as I pull out and speed away. It feels weird, being in control. I can't help but feel proud as I realize how well Castle handles pressure. He's always been so good about keeping composure when it comes down to it, but tonight he has been absolutely amazing.
We arrive at the hotel, and Castle gives them a false name, paying the bill for the room in cash. He insists on taking the stairs, and I follow him up flight after flight of stairs. As we arrive at the room, I insist on going in first. Just in case. I pull my service piece from my belt and open the door with one hand, while leveling it with the other. I walk briskly into the room, checking the closet, the bathroom, and the room for anyone.
"All clear," I shout, and he comes in, shutting the door behind him. He drops his bag by the door.
"Well, that was fun," Castle speaks sarcastically, as he looks over to meet my eyes. He lets out a sigh as he sits down on one of the two beds in the room.
"Stay there," I order him softly, as if he could even think about moving at this point. He looks exhausted. Slowly, I walk to the bathroom and soak one of the washcloths in cool water. I add a little soap, for sterilization purposes and wring it out. After taking a deep calming breath, I walk back into the room to find Castle staring at the opposite wall, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.
He doesn't even bother moving, as I sit down next to him. With a slow, deliberate, movement, I lift the washcloth to his face. He winces, jerking away from the touch.
"Hold still," I admonish, dabbing the cut on his forehead. He winces again, but this time he holds still. I try to be as gentle as possible, as I clean the cut and wipe away the blood. When I pull the cloth away, he turns to look at me with a questioning gaze. I meet his eyes, and I feel an unbearable need to comfort him. After all, he's a man who needs comfort, if I ever saw one. "Does it hurt?" I ask softly, leaning forwards to brush my lips against his cheek. I start to pull away, but he doesn't let me. I look into his eyes and immediately notice the look in them has changed. His eyes are darker somehow, in the dim light. He frames my face in his and pulls me in, brushing my lips against his. I don't need him to tell me what he needs, because I know. And I feel it just as strongly as he does. I push him down onto the bed. His eyes don't leave mine as I strip off my jacket and throw it to the floor. As I lean down over him, kissing him again, things get much more heated. I push my tongue into his mouth and we exchange a series of passionate, unrelenting kisses. His hands slip beneath my shirt and he runs them over my stomach. I moan my approval and tug his dress shirt from his pants. I start to fumble with buttons, but after impatience gets the best of me I start tugging. In another minute, I've pulled it open. One of our kisses break and I let him pull my shirt over my head. It is clear what we both want and what we both need. But of course, with Rick being the gentlemen he is, he pauses.
"Wait," he chokes out breathlessly, looking up into my eyes. I run my hand over his warm skin, and stare back into his eyes. My breathing is quick and labored. I can't seem to slow my thundering heart or ignore the ravenous heat making its way through my body. It's spreading out from the very center of my being. "Kate," he swallows thickly, his own tone faltering, "I get what you're trying to do, but you don't have to do this."
"I'm not an innocent child, Castle," I find myself arguing, "I know what I'm doing and I want to do this."
"You sure?" he asks, reaching up to grab my hand and stop its progress. I can only imagine its because I'm making it hard to think clearly.
"Yes," I assert my need by kissing him again. This time he moans in acceptance, making it clear that his desire for me was never in question. I feel his hands run over my skin, and my breath hitches as he sets to ridding me of my clothes, while I do the same. I lose myself at this point, in an array of frantic touches, kisses and much more. There are no words for this. It's more than passion. It is love, and I can't help but feel as if I'm finally where I'm supposed to be. I'm with whom it is that I'm meant to be with. It feels like I'm home and I never want to leave his arms.
When it's all over, and I find myself lying next to him, buried under a sea of covers, it is then and only then that I remember the context of the moment. I roll over and prop myself on my elbow. With my right hand, I reach up to stroke his face and let out a sigh of happiness. He lets out a deep breath as his eyes meet mine. He holds my hand at his cheek for a long moment.
"It's because of me, isn't it?" I ask finally.
"Kate," he sighs while shaking his head from side to side, and I can tell that he wishes to delay this conversation and the emotions that will come with.
"You promised me we'd talk here," I remind him, and he looks away for a long moment as he struggles to make sense of his own thoughts and emotions. I can tell that's what he's doing because of his expression. For a long moment he stares at the ceiling without seeing. I let him do this. I don't want to pressure him into telling me something, if he genuinely feels as if it is too dangerous for me to know.
"Before Montgomery died," he speaks quietly, still unable to meet my eyes, "He sent one of his trusted friends a manila envelope and asked him to keep it and its contents safe." I swallow, and my breath hitches as I'm suddenly having trouble breathing. "What's inside… I really can't tell you, Kate. But yes, it's about your mother's case."
"Why can't you tell me?" I try not to sound angry and hurt, but I can't help but feel this way.
"Because," he breathes uneasily, looking extremely conflicted, "I made a promise."
"Okay… Then how on earth do you even know about it?" I ask calmly, still fairly confused. "How on earth did you get wrapped up in this mess?"
"His friend contacted me, and asked to meet," he replies just as calmly. "He said that as long as the stuff inside the envelope is protected, that it will ensure that you are kept safe." He paused briefly, looking torn about what to say next. "Only… there was one condition that had to be met in order for that to happen…"
"What is that?" I ask anxiously, wondering what on earth was so important that it could be the difference of life or death.
"You have to stay away from your mother's case," he confessed. "Kate, god, I know you're going to hate me for it, but he… he asked me to make sure that you stayed away from the case, and I agreed to do it. I've been doing it since I came back to the precinct two months ago." I stare at him incredulously. There are no words for the betrayal I feel now. I feel anger and bitterness. Who is this man to dictate what I can and cannot know? And then I remember what I've done. I remember how I've put everyone in danger because I got so wrapped up in my own needs.
"How could you?" I hiss at him as my eyes start to burn. "You know how important it is to me to get answers? And you've purposely been obstructing my progress this whole time? Feeding me wrong information?"
"I know," he replies quickly. "I know how awful it is of me to do that. But I'm not sorry for doing it. I can't be." His voice nearly breaks as he speaks again, and I can't hold it together any longer. "Do you know how much it kills me?" he whines. "I watched you die. I held you and watched your life slip away. I can't do that again, Kate." He swallows, prodding at his own eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "So I thought… I thought that if I worked the case by myself… that no one would no any differently. And you…you would be safe. I need you to be safe. I can't lose you again."
"Did you ever think for one second," I interject, "That in doing so, that you would be putting yourself and your family in danger." This time I can't keep the edge of anger out of my tone.
"Don't, Kate!" he hisses back just as aggressively. "I knew what I was doing. I made a choice!"
"The wrong one!" I argue. "Your life is too important for this! You don't get to do this for me. I don't want this from you!" I cry. Suddenly tears are flooding my vision. I push myself off the bed, and he doesn't stop me. I pull on my shirt and my pants, nearly deciding to flee. But I stop myself as I realize that, whether I like or not, I made a promise to protect him.
"Is my life any more important than yours?" Castle shoots back, propping himself up on his elbows to look at me. "Tell me, Kate. Is it? I love you. But more importantly? I made a promise to you. I promised to always have your back." I open my mouth to reply and for the first time in a long time, I can't manage to say anything. "So when you made a choice to press on with your mother's case four months ago. You made a choice for the rest of us."
"No I didn't!" I try to argue, but I know deep in my heart that he's right.
"You may not like it," his voice inflects, "But it's true, Kate, whether you want to believe it or not." I stare at him, openmouthed, completely dumbfounded.
"I made a mistake!" I finally manage to choke out as my eyes hold his. "Is that what you want me to say, Rick? That I made a mistake? Because I get it! I really do. I should have listened to you. I should have stopped when you asked me to stop, but I couldn't."
"Kate," he sighs calmly, running a hand over his face. "Please calm down."
"No!" I yell, now seeing red. "I'm not going to calm down!"
"Please… You don't understand what I'm trying to say…" he groans in frustration.
"Try me," I challenge. Things are moving so fast between us at this point that it is getting hard to keep up.
"Look," he sighs as he throws up his hands, "What I'm trying to say is…is that none of those things matter anymore. Whether it was a mistake or not doesn't matter, because we're here… We're here and no matter how much you or I wish we could, we can't go back and change our choices." A beat. "You have no idea how much I would give to go back to that time two years ago, when I started delving into your mother's case. If I had had any idea of what I was getting into… of what I was getting you into, I never would have touched it… If anything? It's my fault, Kate. It's my fault Montgomery is dead. It's my fault that you were shot…"
"Castle," I sigh frustratingly, "We've already talked about this. I told you to stop! You have to stop blaming yourself."
"Why?" he shoots back, "It is my fault. And that is why I have to do this! Kate, I have to do this. I have to fix this so that I might be able to look at myself in the mirror someday and see a man that I'm actually proud of." I can only shake my head at that.
"Rick, I can't… I can't be responsible. I don't want anything to happen to you," I admit, trying to stop the tears from coming. "I couldn't bear it if something ever happened to you. Please." He looks at me with slight pity and then he stands and walks over to me. With a steady hand he reaches up to brush away my tears, and I feel so disappointed in myself. I don't deserve him.
"Now you know how I feel," Castle speaks, and I do. I do know how he feels, and I can't imagine feeling like this all the time. I can't imagine myself going through what he has during the few months after I was shot. "Kate," he breathes, "Katie, look at me." Gently, he manipulates my gaze to meet his. "We're going to get through this. We will. It's going to be okay. I'm with you now. I always have been, and I always will be."
"But…" he stops me again.
"No. None of that." He chides, and I swallow thickly.
"But what about Martha and Alexis?" I persist.
"They're fine. They're safe," he reassures me. "Alexis is with Martha and Ashley in California. I've made sure they can't be found or traced back to me." Then another thought occurs to me. How long has his apartment been empty? How long has he been living there by himself?
"How long have you been alone?" I choke out, feeling so guilty. I can't stop thinking that he must have been alone for a while now.
"I'm not alone," he corrects me. "I have you and Esposito and Ryan." He smiles.
"You know that's not what I mean," I argue. He sighs again and then speaks.
"Kate, please."
"I just feel so…so," I can't seem to find a single word to express my feelings. I feel so overwhelmed, so stunned, so angry with myself, there are just no words for it.
"I know," he speaks honestly, and I know he does understand everything I'm feeling. It scares me sometimes. It scares me how he seems to be able to read me so well. "Katie, you have to stop beating yourself up over this," Castle pleads. "Look," he concedes, knowing that this conversation is no where near to the finish, "We can talk about this more later, but right now? I just want to curl up with my designated body guard and go to sleep." He pauses a moment to give me some time to think. "Do you think you can do that?" I nod, not sure I can trust myself to speak. He carefully directs me back to bed, stripping me from my shirt and pants. "One thing that we have to agree on now, is that we can't change the past," he says wisely. "The best thing that we can do right now, is make the best of what we have and put one foot forwards." I curl up against him, and now I'm the one needing comfort. He pulls me close and whispers in my ear. "I love you, Kate. I hope you can forgive me for keeping things from you, but I was just trying to protect you. That's all I've ever wanted."
"I know," I concede, kissing him softly. "Castle, I just want you to know… I love you."
"Then we're going to be okay," he promises. "We'll get through this like we always do." I nod. Silence falls between us as I lay against him with my head nestled on his chest. I can feel his heartbeat under my ear and I relax as I let the fatigue of the day take over and fall into sleep. I guess we can try to figure everything else out tomorrow. Right now I'm just glad I haven't missed my chance.
So that's it! I know it's long for a one-shot, but I wanted to give you guys something that could stand on its own. I hope that you enjoyed it! Please give feedback! It always helps stoke the writer's flame! Thanks!