AN: This is a fic I started for the Junjou Fanatics Community Livejournal- it was somewhat popular, so I decided to post the first two chapters to and will continue posting at both places. Thank you for your support.
Disclaimer: Junjou Romantica and Junai Egoist are the rightful property of Nakamura Shungiku
Pairings: Official Romantica and Egoist and mentioned one-sided HirokixUsami
Summary: Usami Akihiko has hit a wall. He wants to write a tragic love story to trump all his prior works, but he's so happy in his relationship with Misaki that he has writer's block. As luck would have it, he happens upon Hiroki. Usami asks Hiroki about the time Nowaki left for America, (in desperate need of inspiration), which understandably upsets Nowaki. Hiroki divulges, instead, a heart-wrenching tale that strikes Usami so painfully that he decides to stop writing.
This story touches on the complexities of the incident that caused Hiroki's love for Akihiko to die, and how each man must deal with the sudden revelation of Hiroki's feelings pertaining to the matter…
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To Write a Tragic Love Story
Chapter 1: Introduction to the 'Stupid' Story
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Usami Akihiko stalked down a busy road. He'd considered driving, but the weather was nice, so he opted to walk instead.
He had just escaped from a very important meeting at Marukawa Publishing Company in which he had spent about an hour being severely scolded by Aikawa Eri and Isaka Ryuuichiro.
Two days prior to the ever-stimulating meeting, he had been interviewed by a renowned literature enthusiast who pointed out that some of the fans of Usami's older works were losing interest in his current writings due to the lighter, happier content.
The enthusiast had brought up one of his most popular works from a few years back- a tragic novel which focused on a character who, in the end, accepted a life condemned to unrequited love.
Usami had written it when he'd discovered Takahiro had a girlfriend- and had confessed his love to her. It was the last tragic love story he'd written before meeting Misaki, and from then on, intentional or not, his writing style had changed.
Some said it was for the better, but apparently his old, die-hard fans disagreed.
So when the interviewer asked Usami if he planned on writing any more sad stories, and implied that Usami had dramatically mellowed out as a writer, the author took it as a challenge and publicly announced that he would be working on a story so tragic and angst-filled that it would trump his previous works.
This gained him much acknowledgement and recognition and even upped the sales of his current and previous works…
It also gained him two months to come up with such a heart-wrenching and moving story, and an hour long meeting in which Aikawa repeatedly begged to know why Usami would take on such a challenge when he admittedly felt absolutely zero percent inspiration for such a story.
Isaka suggested he seek a therapist that could somehow bring back traumatic memories, and Aikawa offered to perform such hypnotherapies herself- although she assured the men that the tool most commonly used in such practices was a bat and that the therapeutic practice itself required the therapist to beat the idiotic author in the back of the head with it until he learned not to take on such idiotic challenges.
In the end, they all somehow came to the agreement that everything would work out for the best and that Usami would surely produce a moving story that would tug at the heartstrings of people of all ages and genders, and that it would certainly move every reader to tears.
While the meeting had ended on a positive note that left Usami feeling supported and encouraged, he still didn't feel particularly inspired to write such a thing.
As he walked down the street toward a used book shop, he passed a floral shop and then paused, backtracking and taking a look around. Flowers were a common romantic gift, and he had to write a tragic romance novel, so perhaps staring at some black roses would inspire him.
He knew it was a foolish idea but considering his current level of inspiration, he was willing to give anything a shot. He didn't have to write about them- he just needed some inspiration, and if he could draw inspiration from someone as simple as Misaki, perhaps he could draw inspiration from a simple, clichéd rose.
After five minutes of staring at black roses that did NOT inspire him in the least, he let out a heavy sigh and turned away from the shop.
'The only thing black roses would inspire me to write is trite tripe, anyway." He muttered to himself as he stared at the ground. Then he lifted his gaze and blinked, noticing Hiroki entering the family restaurant across the street.
Of course!
Hiroki was like the most depressing person in the WORLD! Okay, that was a mean thought, but Hiroki had inspired him in the past, and surely he could provide some insight regarding the matter- he was his oldest and most supportive fan, after all.
He waited for the street to clear before jaywalking across and heading into the restaurant.
This was too perfect. Hiroki appeared to be eating alone, sitting in a booth toward the back, his laptop opened as he finished up some schoolwork.
Usami waltzed on over to the table, plopped down across from Hiroki, and pulled out his own laptop, setting it up, too. He sank down in his seat to hide behind his computer.
It only took a moment for Hiroki to slowly peer around his own laptop, arching a brow.
Usami slowly sat up, tilting his head back and peering over the top of his computer.
Hiroki's sudden change in expression brought a smirk to Usami's face.
"Ahikiho?!"
"Good…" Usami glanced at the clock located in the lower right hand corner of his laptop's screen. "…afternoon, Hiroki."
"…" Hiroki's brows furrowed and he pursed his lips. "What're you doing here? Stalking me?"
"Did you see me?" Usami asked, cocking his head to the side.
"No, how long were you following me?" Hiroki asked, annoyed.
"No, no, I wasn't stalking you. I meant on TV."
"Ah… Oh!" Hiroki blinked. "Yeah… you were being interviewed by my boss, actually…"
"Hmm. Small world. So? What have you got for me?"
"…Hah?" Hiroki's eye twitched and an irritated smile formed on his lips. "…Can you please not be so cryptic?"
"It has to be extremely depressing… angst is a must… tragedy is what I'm aiming for. What have you got?"
Hiroki's irritated grin widened and he closed his eyes, brow twitching. "Akihiko… where do I begin? First of all… don't just talk like we've been conversing for the past hour. I'm having some trouble following the conversation- since it hasn't HAPPENED yet. Second, you can't just intrude like this. When he comes back, he's going to get the wrong idea."
"'He' who?" Usami asked, then moved right along without waiting for a reply. "You know, the last tragic work I did was one I wrote right after I found out about Takahiro and his love for Minami… If… I'm not mistaken, it's the last sad one I worked on- sure there've been sad moments in my recent works, but the overall mood of that one was absolutely disheartening… and if I'm expected to surpass it, I'll need a far more tragic plot."
Hiroki's brow twitched. "…Okay… and…? What's that have to do with me?"
"When I think back to that work, it was extremely popular. However, when I gave it to you to look over, you gave it a negative critique."
"It wasn't negative." Hiroki frowned. "It was a good work, like all your works, it just didn't make me sad."
"Exactly. If something like that didn't make you sad, and it was one of the sadder experiences in my life, then you must have experienced something even sadder, right?" Usami closed his eyes, rested his elbows on the table, and settled his chin atop his clasped hands.
"…What're you TALKING about?" Hiroki grumbled, folding his arms.
Usami opened his eyes and glowered at Hiroki. "Are you dense?"
"Eh?!" Hiroki blinked. "…I… I'm sorry… I'm confused. Very… VERY confused."
"Do I have to spell it out for you? I'm looking to you for inspiration, as I usually do."
"Inspiration, you say." Hiroki's eyes narrowed, annoyed.
"Yes. I'm in a relationship right now and am very happy. So much so, in fact, that it has evidently affected my writing."
"Yeah, your later stuff has been lighter and fluffier, overall." Hiroki agreed.
"So I need to borrow something depressing from YOUR life." Usami nodded.
"How about right now?" Hiroki quirked a brow, smirking.
Usami frowned, not appreciating Hiroki's sardonic wit. "What about that year your lover abandoned you for America and didn't contact you at all?"
This time, Hiroki's eyes widened, not simply from the tactless and blunt reminder of one of the more agonizing times of his life, but Nowaki had chosen just that moment to return from the bathroom, and had heard exactly and only what Usami had just said. The pained expression on his face delivered by that unbuffered blow was absolutely heart wrenching in itself.
Hiroki glared at Usami, who, for the first time since he'd sat with the man, actually took notice in the affect his words had had on his childhood friend. He also noticed Hiroki glancing at something behind him and he rolled his head back, then turned, realizing Nowaki had heard what he'd said.
"Good afternoon, Kusama-kun." He greeted. "I was just asking Hiroki for inspiration. I have to write a tragic novel that surpasses my previous works."
"…Is that so…?" Nowaki closed his eyes and joined them. Hiroki scooted toward the middle of the booth and Nowaki sat in his place.
"Yes," Usami continued. "Because I'm absolutely content and happy with the person I'm with, it's hard for me to become inspired to write something sad. I'm just not feeling it." He brought Nowaki up to date.
"Well, Hiro-san won't be able to offer much inspiration. We're also very happy." Nowaki said in an unusual tone. Only Hiroki, who knew the man well, was able to pick up on it. Idiotic Akihiko didn't notice a change at all.
"I understand that you're good now, but might you be able to divulge some information pertaining to that time when things weren't so good? If my next work is going to be depressingly heart wrenching, then feelings of abandonment, separation, and heartbreak would comingle to form the perfect recipe for tragedy, don't you agree?"
Hiroki gaped at his friend, then turned to take in Nowaki's reaction.
Nowaki's eyes and frown expressed that not only had that comment offended him, but had reminded him of the pain both he and Hiroki had undergone at that time.
This enraged Hiroki. They'd spent a long time licking each other's wounds and mending what had been broken between them.
The audacity of this bastard…!
But Nowaki replied somewhat calmly. "…Even if you worked that experience into your story, you're supposed to write something with a sad ending, right? If you used our experience, the ending would be still be happy."
Hiroki relaxed a bit. That was a very sweet sentiment, and also a true one. Perhaps idiotic Akihiko would drop this, now.
"Well," Usami apparently interpreted Nowaki's statement as a discussion on the matter- as if they'd actually allow him to exploit one of the most painful periods of their lives! "I'd have to change the ending, of course. It doesn't have to be exactly the same. It goes without saying that I'll have to change a few things. This isn't one of my BL novels, you'd probably have to be a straight couple, for example."
"Change the ending? And why would we have to be a straight couple?" Nowaki asked. "Our love is pure just the way it is- we're men, and we're HAPPY."
Hiroki frowned, nervously. He knew Nowaki had never liked Usami much- for obvious reasons- but he got the feeling that each time his childhood friend opened his mouth; Nowaki grew to despise him more and more…
"It doesn't have to be realistic." Usami arched a brow, not at all sensing Nowaki's frustration with this asinine idea. "Like you mentioned, it absolutely has to end sadly. After you two temporarily broke up, Kusama-kun asked to meet you at this very restaurant, right?" Usami asked, sliding his fingers around on his laptop's mouse pad and beginning to type.
"Hiro-san!" Nowaki exclaimed. "How does he-?!"
"Akihiko!" Hiroki fumed. "How do you even KNOW about that?!"
Nowaki blinked, glancing from Hiroki to Usami, expectantly. Hiroki looked sincerely confused and miffed, just as he was.
"You told me one day when you were drunk." Usami blinked at his friend, then went back to typing. "So it was what? He went to meet someone at the airport, right? And it was delayed?"
"I told you in that kind of detail?!" Hiroki sank down in his seat, disgusted with himself and unable to look Nowaki in the face.
Nowaki frowned, looking away from his lover- who he hoped didn't think he was angry with- to Usami- who he certainly was angry with.
"And when you went to the university, there was that professor who kissed you, right?"
"He didn't kiss me!"
"I thought he did? Well no matter, in the book, he'll kiss you, and you'll leave with him."
"WHAT?!" Hiroki bellowed, slamming his hands on the table, red etching across his face from sheer embarrassment and pure fury.
"Calm down. It's just a book." Usami huffed. "Hasn't even been written yet." He gestured to his laptop.
"'Will not be written.'" Hiroki barked.
"I think that would work." Usami argued. "Imagine the heartbreak- Hiroki, your character would force himself to believe that moving on is the right thing to do, and not giving the person who broke his heart another chance. It's different than you'd expect from a romance story, so the originality will score some points, and then Kusama-kun's character would wallow in self pity and both characters will have to move on, carrying the scars left by the heart-shredding break up and memories. Like in my last tragic novel, the character I'd based on myself decided to accept that the one he loved had found someone who made him happy, and he chose to live with it. It was very tragic and very popular
"Since when do you even care about popularity?" Hiroki snapped.
"I know. It's tough." Usami sighed. "But I already promised a tragedy to surpass the last. I have to redeem myself in the eyes of the fans who've lost interest."
"Fuck the fans who've lost interest!" Hiroki bellowed. "If they've lost interest, then they wouldn't know quality literature if it smacked them in the face!"
"Why're you so upset?" Usami frowned.
Nowaki couldn't fathom how long it took his lover's friend to even notice that the two were uncomfortable with the idea. Though, from what Hiroki had told him in the past, Usami could be very selfish when it came to his writing- and the man supposedly acted like anything that he thought up should be deemed acceptable, regardless of intricate matters such as these.
"Because I'm sick of you exploiting the most personal aspects of my personal life for your stupid stories! You want to take one of the most painful periods of my life and write it up and alter it just because… because what? It's a challenge?!" Hiroki argued.
"It is a challenge. If I can't write it, then I'm no good as an author. An author who limits himself to fluffy, happy-go-lucky stories might as well just write for children." Usami replied.
"I thought you became a writer because you wanted to write. Because you enjoyed writing, and because you were good at it!"
"But I also enjoy being challenged and proving to myself that I'm a good writer." Usami huffed. "Which is why I need to seek inspiration where it's to be had. I know I've made the right choice in selecting you two."
Nowaki sighed, head lowering as he stared miserably at his hands. Hiroki watched him out of the corner of his eye, grimacing.
Stupid Bakahiko! Hurting Nowaki's feelings like this… why did he have to show up out of nowhere and make such idiotic demands! He was always like this as they grew older- arrogantly demanding to take whatever he wanted without showing any remorse or acknowledgement that the things he did could have a negative effect on people- could really, really hurt people!
Fuming, he grabbed Usami's laptop and pulled it over. "I'll give you a depressing plot, Akihiko." He snapped, typing away. "One that'll really hit home with you and inspire you!"
"Hit home with me?" Usami considered this, excitedly. "But I can write it, myself."
"Since you're so carefree when it comes to exploiting the personal and painful memories and experiences of others, I'll give you one of the most painful experiences of my life! The first time my heart shattered into a trillion pieces, by your hand."
Usami blinked, falling silent.
"I can even present you with a title! It'll be called: Akihiko doesn't give a shit about anyone but his own damn self and values his fans over his childhood friend and the people he exploits! Aww, but that's a little long-winded! Maybe you can just entitle it: 'Akihiko is an insensitive bastard!'" He hit enter twice after centering the title atop the page. "Once upon a time there was a stupid man named Akihiko, who was in love with an even stupider man named Takahiro!"
Usami's eyes narrowed and even Nowaki was perturbed by the things Hiroki was saying (and typing).
The brunette continued: "Unbeknownst to the idiotic Akihiko, his childhood friend, whose name was Hiroki, the stupidest character in this stupid story, had been in love with him since they were ten years old."
Usami's eyes grew wide and Nowaki touched Hiroki's arm.
"Hiro-san…!"
"Oh, it's just starting." Hiroki muttered, eyes glued to the screen as he typed. "Even though Hiroki was the stupidest character in this stupid book, he was still smart enough to understand that the one he loved most shared his problem- a stupid unrequited love for a stupid moron! He tried various times to work up the courage to admit his feelings to the stupid Akihiko, but his fear of rejection always stopped him…" He slowed, swallowing, nervously, brows furrowing.
"…He valued his friendship and the closeness he shared with the stupid Akihiko so much that he feared it might be lost if he admitted how he felt… but one day when he noticed his stupid friend was at a weak point, and finally seemed to be realizing that the stupider Takahiro had found someone he loved and had moved on, right after he had finished writing a really stupid fucking novel that was a best seller, Hiroki decided to take advantage of the moment and he told the stupid Akihiko that they should try having…"
He trailed off and Nowaki stared at his lover, incredulously. Usami, who was already very much familiar with the stupid story, just stared at his friend, growing more and more disturbed as the stupid story progressed.
"…He stupidly told the stupid Akihiko that all he needed was a blindfold… and he covered his eyes and assured him that so long as the stupid Akihiko pretended that stupidest Hiroki was stupider Takahiro, that stupid Akihiko would be fine- finally satisfied… He had ulterior motives that, to this day, he couldn't understand how the stupid Akihiko hadn't noticed or wondered about. Probably because stupid Akihiko only cared about himself and stupider Takahiro, and didn't care at all about stupidest Hiroki…"
"Hiroki…" Usami interjected, reaching out for his laptop but Hiroki slammed his hand against the table, trembling.
"It's not finished!" He snapped. "…The stupidest Hiroki was beginning to feel happier and happier as the seconds drew on, those large, cold hands he'd fantasized about touched him caringly, and lovingly. He had hoped that through this idiotic act, his feelings would reach the stupid Akihiko… and Akihiko moaned a name twice as he came inside the stupidest Hiroki…
Hiroki barely caught the end of the name the first time. He heard 'Hiro' and it had been, at that point, the single happiest moment of his life…"
Usami swallowed a lump in his throat as he gaped at his childhood friend.
"…Then he heard the full name the second time. The stupid Akihiko had whispered 'Takahiro…" He stopped typing and closed the laptop, glowering disgustedly down at it for a moment before closing his eyes. "…You're an author. You can come up with lots of beautiful, grandiose ways of describing how torn up the stupidest Hiroki was. How he wanted to vomit, how his heart shattered, how much worse, if possible, he felt when the stupid Akihiko walked off, visibly regretful… obviously feeling guilty about besmirching Takahiro by performing such an act… completely and blissfully unaware of how terribly he'd hurt his friend… probably assuming the stupid Hiroki had just done it for a good fuck, or to mess with him, or maybe he just brushed it off as the stupid Hiroki trying to help and be a good friend- the stupid Akihiko was naïve like that."
All Usami could really do was stare at his friend in silence. What in the hell could he say to that? What could he do? Apologize? It had been nearly ten years since that incident.
He really had thought only of Takahiro at that time, and how foolish he'd been for trying something so disgusting… he even recalled being the slightest bit angry at Hiroki for suggesting it, afterward…
Hiroki let out a heavy sigh, clasping his fingers atop the laptop. "…Nah. That won't work. That one also has a happy ending."
Usami blinked as Hiroki glanced over at Nowaki, taking his hand, twining their fingers.
"I want to go home."
"Yes." Nowaki stood, waiting for Hiroki to move away from the table and the two left, hand in hand.
+_+_+_+_+
Nowaki was worried. Very worried. He'd caught the gist of what had happened before, one time, when Hiroki had been drunk- not that he'd questioned the man in his alcohol-induced state on purpose, he just mentioned Hiroki's 'crying face' and how he had fallen in love with it, and Hiroki and told him a bit on his own.
Finally, he pulled Hiroki down an alleyway, out of sight and away from the general public. Hiroki looked up at him.
"It's unlike you to want to hold hands in public. Hiro-san…"
"Yeah, it is. After today, don't expect me to do it in broad daylight…" Hiroki mumbled, quietly.
"That story… Hiro-san? You were holding that in for many years… and your pain leaked into your words… and your body, even. You're still shaking." He held Hiroki's hand tighter, frowning. "Hiro-san… are you alright?"
Hiroki nodded. Despite his trembling, and the pained expressions he'd worn moments ago in the diner, he now looked relaxed and at peace. "…I'm sorry… I'm sorry it came out like that… I'm sorry it came out like that in front of you, and in front of him… I shouldn't have said that… that was really… cruel… but I feel better."
"Do you?" Nowaki asked.
"…Yeah… I feel like… I've gained closure, somehow…" He looked up at Nowaki, right into his eyes. "…You know, Nowaki. I don't have any feelings for him anymore. Not romantic ones, anyway. He's special. Very special to me…" He looked down, frowning. "…He's a very good friend, despite all those horrible things I said… but…" He slowly leaned forward, into Nowaki. "…But compared to you… there's no one else."
"…Hiro-san…"
"…I hate that I just did that…"
"I know." Nowaki hugged his lover, tightly. "…Usami-san probably knows, too… but it's probably not healthy. Keeping that inside so long."
"…" Hiroki shrugged. "I wish I never said it… part of me does… still… I'm relieved."
"Why?" Nowaki asked.
"…Even if it was just a smidgen… I was worried that… the feelings I had for Akihiko still remained, locked away somewhere inside… but when I let all that out… I don't feel afraid anymore… there's no doubt, anymore…"
Nowaki smiled, sadly. "…That's good, Hiro-san. I guess I feel relieved, too."
"I told you that you were the only one for me, before… it's not like I was lying. Every time I said that… I felt the way I do, now… even though there was that feeling, hiding away… I knew it paled in comparison to us… to this… and Nowaki…" He looked up, frowning. "…When you left for America… and when you came back… that time- that whole period… it was far more painful than when Akihiko moaned Takahiro's name."
Nowaki frowned, grimly. He knew it was meant to make him feel slightly better… Hiroki was indicating that because he loved Nowaki more than Akihiko, any sadness pertaining to Nowaki was more painful than sadness pertaining to Akihiko- but it was like a win/lose offer… it both hurt and relieved him.
He laughed at the stupidity and Hiroki chuckled, too.
"…Hiroki really is the stupidest one." Hiroki muttered.
"No." Nowaki caressed Hiroki's cheek. "Hiro-san is not the stupidest one." He kissed his lover, and Hiroki kissed back, eagerly, wrapping his arms around Nowaki and pulling their bodies closer.
"…I'm surprised you reacted the way you did, Hiro-san… I think if I hadn't shown up just then- you probably would have reacted differently."
"…It's always bugged me that he uses me in his stupid smut novels. I know it bothers you. Knowing some other guy is writing about that kind of thing… about me… and about you…"
"It's a bit disturbing, but Usami-san is a very… unusual person." Nowaki admitted with a sigh. "Sometimes it did make my blood boil. I kind of figured you two had… done something… and to be perfectly honest, Hiro-san… and… I hope you won't hate me for saying this…"
Hiroki watched his lover, waiting for him to continue.
"…I think it's ugly of me, somehow… but… there is a part of me that is kind of glad… that Usami-san hurt you… that he did that. It's horrible. And I'm very sorry." He frowned, sorrowfully. "But-"
"I got it." Hiroki smiled and sighed. "If he hadn't… you and I… would never have met. I'm also …glad."
"I love you." Nowaki told Hiroki.
"…" Hiroki closed his eyes as Nowaki hugged him, again. "…I love you."
+_+_+_+_+
AN: Fluffy end of first chapter is fluffy- and yes, Usami is still sitting alone at the diner, wallowing in many negative emotions, and yes, the diner has the worst service ever since no one came to wait on them at all during this visit. XD
So… thoughts? Feedback? Hiroki too OOC? He has his moments, so sometimes I try to pass him off as IC when he does things like this, but it still doesn't sit well with me. _.
Next chapter starts off with some Egoist smut and then focuses on Usami- sorting out his feelings on the matter and Misaki trying to help…