A/N: Sup? So I wrote this randomly because I was bored. Basically what happens to the Death Eaters when Voldemort gets high/drunk. Cursing is in here for FUN not for abuse and iPods magically are made in the 1900s. Joy to the world! First attempt at humor.
Disclaimer: Pffftttttt no.
Not So Typical Death Eater Meetings
The Death Eaters were waiting for Voldemort to show up and the meeting to start. But it got so boring that Draco started picking his nose, Bellatrix started twirling her hair and looking seductively at Snape, Lucius got out his L'Oreal Magazine and started reading hair tips, and Snape got so fed up with Bellatrix that he gave her the middle finger and mouthed, "Fuck you."
Bellatrix stupefied him for that.
Then all of a sudden, the door burst open and there stood Voldemort in a Karate Outfit holding a half drained beer bottle. "What's up, bitches?" He said casually looking at a certain blonde.
"M-my Lord…?" Lucius stumbled, immediately hiding his magazine under the table.
"DON'T CALL ME 'MY LORD' ANYMORE!"
"So sorry Voldemort – "
"I'm CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS!"
"Sorry Chuck Norris –"
"Noooooo say it with me, idiot. CHUCK. FUCKING. NORRIS!"
"Chuck Fucking Norris."
"IN CAPS LOCK!"
Lucius just started at his master.
His master hexed him.
Draco kept picking his nose.
"Now, it has come to my attention that we need a new name for ourselves. I mean, The Death Eaters -seriously? Who came up with that lame name?" CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS said to his members.
Everyone looked at each other before Bellatrix answered, "You did."
"I did?"
"Yes…"
"Oh."
An awkward silence filled the room before the leader broke it. "Well, shame on me. But I have a new name that every witch and wizard and Muggle and sheep will fear!"
No one said anything.
CFN (his initials because the writer of this story is too lazy to write his name down) smiled and proclaimed, "HOTPOCKETS!"
Everybody started to cover their ears and scream.
"IT'S SO REVOLTING!" Rhodolphus screamed.
"RHODY SAVE ME!" His wife clung to him desperately.
He pushed her away in disgust. "You crazy bitch, you tried to hit on Severus!"
"He flipped me off!"
"HOTPOCKETS!" CFN shouted again, smiling broadly and causing another chorus of screams to go around.
"Rhody save meeee! I'm sorry!" Bellatrix sobbed.
"Only because you said sorry," Rhodolphus gave in. He then gave her his iPod to which she immediately put on rock music and blasted it. With the earphones in her ears.
Ouch.
Meanwhile, as Bella was finding her happy place with AC/DC music, Draco had stopped picking his boogers and proclaimed very loudly so CFN (who was now smoking and drinking, what an addict) could hear: "My father will hear about this!"
But Lucius was too busy panicking about not the new name, but his hair which his master had hexed. It was now hot pink and shaved in one part to say: I love KITTEHS! And Lucius being Lucius, he HATED kitties and misspelled words. With a passion. He also hated hot pink. Also with a passion. So he didn't really hear what CFN had said. "How will I ever get my hair to look fabulous again?" He cried clutching his beloved locks in one hand while the other held a mirror.
Snape was still knocked out on the floor.
"HOTPOCKETS assemble!" CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS called.
Groaning, all the members did and looked warily at their now high but not drunk master.
CFN held up his empty beer bottle. "This," he started, "is a unicorn!"
Rhodolphus put on his Really? face.
"It's gonna be our mascot now!"
Rhodolphus changed his facial expression to Seriously?
"Andd wit des unicorn, I shall gain unlimited POWAH!"
Rhodolphus face palmed mentally. "And what power, exactly?" He asked CFN.
The leader just looked at him like he was the stupidest person that ever lived. "Duh, de ultimate POWAH to gain da bitches!"
"Not to defeat Harry Potter?"
"I GOT NINE LIVES! CAT'S EYES!" Bellatrix shouted randomly. Yes, she was still listening to the iPod.
CFN ignored her. "Hmm, guess dat'll be there too…"
Draco snickered. He knew how well this was going to play out.
There was a silence as the leader thought long and hard.
Bellatrix started dancing to the music in her ears.
Snape started becoming conscious.
Finally, CFN broke the silence by asking randomly, "Did someone steal my Vogue Magazine?"
Rhodolphus, who was now mad at Snape for getting his wife's attention earlier, conjured up a Vogue Magazine in the Potion's Master's hand and declared, "There it is! In Severus's hand!"
"Wha…?" Snape asked drowsily now that he was somewhat fully conscious.
But he was stupefied again as CFN took the magazine from him.
"You may all leave now seeing dat de magazine I need is HE-AH!" CFN said. "Lucius shall stay and de-scuss de new hairstyles and fashions wif meh!"
Lucius looked very thrilled about that as everybody but him (and the unconscious Snape) left the room. "OHMIGOD HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW HAIRSTYLES THIS SEASON?!" He practically screamed getting out his L'Oreal Magazine and pulling up a chair next to his leader.
They spent the rest of the day talking about beauty things and stupefying Snape whenever he became conscious.
It was very sad.