Author's Notes:
Note from Ge: This is what this story is really about. About a view on a love
story. About a passion millions of viewers are living for 7 years now, just
like I do. I'd like to thank Tim, my little Niles, who gave me the opportunity
to write with such a talented writer, and give me the chance to be Daphne for
the time of this fanfic. Thanks love!
Note from Ge : 'Innamoramento'. Italian word for 'birth of a love'.
_____________________________________
Gen,
Well, what can I say?? It's been too much damn fun doing this one, I was
rather amazed how we always seemed to be thinking the same thing at the same
time...and you are a killer writer...anyway, if ya want to do something like
this again, you know how to get in touch with me....
Also, the final part of this ff contains erotic content, so don't say we didn't warn ya. Also, neither Geneviève or myself claim any responsibility if you, say, need a cold shower after reading the aforesaid part.
I closed the door behind me. And I took a deep breath. I can't believe I just did that! How could I embarrass him like this? How am I ever going to face him again? What have I done? I really got to take control of myself. When he is there, where I am in the same room as he is, when I see him I don't know how to react. I know the only good way to deal with a situation like this one is to be rational, but somehow it's not working. It's always easy to rationalize when he is not there, but when I face him I can't act nor think rationally. I'm feeling something when he's there.
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. After all, it only happened two times...in the last month. There was that moment on the balcony, and God knows I regret that one! I have no idea what happened, I can't explain why I couldn't tell him that there would never be anything between us. Or why when I turned around and I saw him my heart went crazy. When I think about it, I can't help but realize that the only reason I was so relieved after it was over was because I wasn't sure of my own reactions. That's the first time it ever happened to me. I always was in complete control of myself, but right there and then I can't say what my answer would have been. I can't say either why I was so depressed when I saw Mel. Or why at that point I wished the gift he was giving to Mel was for me. But it could have been something temporary, something that only happened once and would never happen again.
Until this afternoon. When it happened again. And now I really don't know how to deal with it.
It all started so innocently. Him, me, cooking. I don't know what it is about this damned kitchen but every time we're in there together something happens. I never thought he could cook, but he was quite good at it. For one of the rare times since I moved in this house I wasn't the one cooking. It felt kind of strange to be the assistant, but I really enjoyed it. And we were making a good team.
We. So strange how a little word can change a perspective. I think the only other time I thought of him and me by saying 'we' was the Snowball. That night when he said he loved me and where I called him an actor. I feel so bad when I think about it. Now I understand his reaction.
I don't know why Niles and I have such great chemistry when we do something together. I mean, I never thought chopping vegetables could lead to singing...but it became a memorable duet. And at that time I slapped him on the arm, just for fun. Just like I hit him on the head this afternoon with the oven mitt. So innocently. And then he burned his hand. On which I put some aloe.
But something happened when I touched his hand. Something scary and exciting at the same time. The touch of my fingers on the palm of his hand. The beauty, the delicacy, the softness of his hand. And it went from caring to something else. It was sensual. And inviting. And I was drifting. I was imagining his hands, soft and tender, caressing my cheek, my neck, my shoulders, my arms, my back, my... well, my entire body. At that point I knew I couldn't look at him. Because if I was I was going to bring him close to me, I was going to run my hand through his hair, and I would kiss him like he has never been kissed before. I knew it. And all I wanted to do was kiss the palm of this beautiful hand, kiss his pain away. Not only this pain but all the pain I caused him for the last 7 years. I was going to do it. I took all my courage and...
"What's up?"
I jumped. It was Martin. And I panicked. I started babbling things that I can't even remember, defending myself for something that I really enjoyed (but maybe it was why I was defending myself in the first place...), and the next thing I knew I was looking at the timer, saying that I was late for God knows what. And I ran away.
And here I am, in my room, my heart going crazy, more confused as I have ever been. Hoping that he would forgive me for that. Because I have no idea what I would do without his friendship. And because I knew I had no right to play with his feelings. And play with my feelings as well.
"Is this love, baby, or is it just...confusion?"
-Jimi Hendrix
What the hell just happened??
Was that really Daphne, or a devil sent to torment me, assuming the most pleasing of shapes?
She had NEVER done anything like that before.
We were in the kitchen. I was cooking dinner for Mel, and had taken up Daphne's offer of assistance. An otherwise perfectly normal, innocuous situation, right?
Well, clumsy fellow that I am, I burned my hand. Oh, sure, you're thinking, "so I burned my hand, big deal, right?"
Naturally, Daphne offered to put some lotion on it. A perfectly sane and rational thing to do, given the circumstances. Your car breaks down, you fix it. You burn your hand, you put lotion on it, then you move on with your life. Simple, really.
But it wasn't that simple. She took my hand and started, of course, rubbing lotion on it. But suddenly, her touch turned into something more. Something else. Something very much more...
A caress.
A caress of incredible tenderness. Of...affection? A sensation which sent chills up and down my spine, made me feel lightheaded, made all the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, a familiar sensation. The sensation I experienced whenever Daphne touched me.
The sensation I experienced only when SHE touched me. It was unmistakable, and unforgettable.
And I stood there, waiting, as if I were expecting something to happen.
And then Dad came in, and asked, naturally, what was going on.
And then Daphne started saying the strangest things. She was clearly trying to hide something, to justify her actions-to herself. But why?
It was like that evening not long ago where we were out on the balcony together.
She looked at me.
I mean, she LOOKED at me. It was familiar because...
It was the way I looked at her.
I saw something in her eyes, which may have been anticipation or...desire? At the time, I wanted to believe, more than anything, that it was.
But times change. Since that fateful evening, I had made a decision: I had to move on with my life. I have Mel. Mel, the platonic friend more than passionate lover, but the Mel I knew. Mel I could rely upon.
The Daphne that was in the kitchen and on the balcony that night was a Daphne I had never seen before. And it scared me.
I had been the one to ask Mel on our first date. I had made my bed, and now I would lie in it, even if I would never share it with Daphne.
It was the only way to save myself from the horrible reality that Daphne would soon be married, gone forever.
I can't say I have feelings for Mel like I do for Daphne. But then again, I have never had feelings for ANYONE like I do for Daphne, and never will again. My love for Daphne was a passionate, consuming flame, radiating light and heat more intense than a thousand of the brightest suns. But staring at the light was blinding, and standing to close to the heat was burning me alive. The flames within my soul had been burning for 7 years and were now threatening to become the hellfire which consumed me.
And Mel would, I had no choice but to hope, be the water that would quench the flames.
I don't love Mel like I love Daphne. With Mel it is not fiery and passionate, but comfortable and familiar. Something I was used to, like Maris but without the evil.
Daphne was now nothing but a stolen dream from another time. The fates had denied her to me, despite all my chances. So, in time, I perhaps will come to love Mel, to be content with spending my life with her. Not happy, but at least content.
So I pushed my feelings for Daphne as far from my mind as I could. I stopped feeding the fire. It would never be truly extinguished, but the raging inferno could be reduced to the flame of a candle. It took all my strength to crawl my way out of the flames that were consuming me alive, and I will not jump back in, no matter what the chill outside.
I can't.
A life with Daphne was just a dream. I realize that now. But oh, what a beautiful dream!!
But still a dream, nonetheless.
End of Part 1
The last 2 weeks have been a living hell. In fact, since the kitchen incident, my entire life has been a living hell. Because of one man. Because of Niles Crane.
I can't seem to think about anybody else but him. He's like the forbidden fruit : once you taste it you can't go back. You're addicted.
The odd thing is that he acted like nothing happened that afternoon in the kitchen. And it bugged me. No, it disturbed me. It's impossible that I am the only one who felt the electricity, the tension, the desire arising from this innocent gesture. From the touch of our hands. Or maybe what disturbed me the most was the thought that he might be over me. I was going to marry a man and I was hoping that another one was still in love with me. Typical me. I was experiencing for the first time what he must have been living for the past 7 years. The anticipation of a touch, the daydreaming, the dreams that you wish were never ending. 'Cause when they end you wake up next to someone who you wish was somebody else. And for the first time in ages I was falling in love. The more I saw him the more I thought about him as a man instead of a friend. And I was going to marry someone else. Someone that I like but don't love. And the strange thing is that since I see Niles instead of Dr. Crane, my visions stopped. I don't have these images tormenting me anymore. Could it be that I finally found the one for me?
What am I saying? I can't think about him that way! I'm getting married for God's sake! I can't have second thoughts now! And he's dating someone. Someone who isn't right for him, but someone. Just forget about it and come back to reality. You agreed to marry Donny, and you'll go all the way. But still...
My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. As usual, Donny looked at me but didn't move. That was my task. Mister Big Lawyer was too lazy to open the door. I can't believe I'll be the one doing everything Mister Big Lawyer don't want to do. But when I saw who was there, my anger left me. And my heart began beating faster.
It was Niles. And he looked amazing. He was wearing a white shirt which was half open, and white pants. The same clothes he was wearing that night where Sherry made me mad. That night where we came very close to sleep together. That hot summer night. And again I felt desire arise in me. This feeling that's been way too familiar lately. Which confuses me more every time. Because I'll have to go home with Donny tonight instead of Niles. And that I'll have to try to forget that a man named Niles Crane blew up my whole life by being in love with me for the past 7 years.
I opened the door, trying to hide my confusion the best I could. Without any success, according to the way he looked at me. I was blushing, looking at everything but him, playing nervously with my hands. I invited him in, and decided to play the amorous fiancée with Donny. Which ended up with Donny looking at me like I was going out of my mind, and Niles looking very embarrassed. I regretted that one already.
And then Donny started making conversation, asking how was Mel. To which Niles answered that she had been driving him crazy for a couple of days. She was criticizing everything he was doing, saying things under her breath. She was turning into Maris. He said he was so tense he didn't sleep in two days now. And then Donny said it.
"Well, then maybe Daphne could give you a massage. She's fabulous. They'll be no more tension after that, I swear to God."
Maybe after that there would not be any tension, but for the moment there was plenty of it. I just looked at Niles, as red as you can be, and he saw it. He tried to excuse himself, saying that it wasn't that bad and that he would probably sleep better tonight, but Donny insisted, saying it was no trouble at all. And, after putting me in this mess, he asked a "Right, honey?". I just wanted to kill him. If we would have been alone he would be dead by now. But instead, I put on a fake smile and answered "Sure, sweety. No problem at all." I stood up, asking Dr. Crane to come in my room. He was as embarrassed as I was, but he followed me. Then I turned around and I sent a 'I'll kill you for this' look to Donny, to which he answered by a distant smile and by opening the TV. God, what a pain in the ass he was.
I closed the door behind us. When I turned around, he was looking all over my room, saying that he liked the way I decorated it. Saying that it was a reflection of me. Warm, simple and beautiful. When I looked at him and saw him blush, two things came to my mind. First, it was now obvious he wasn't over me. And two, it was a very bad idea for us to be alone in a room with a bed in it. Not because he would not behave himself, but because of me. Because I already lost control two times before. But I couldn't back out now. After an embarrassed silence, I told him that as long as we were in here I might as well give him that massage. And he looked at me, a very shy smile on his face. To which I answered with a wide smile. I loved his boyish manners. "Dr. Crane, then maybe you should take your shirt off." was all I was able to answer. And he did it. And now I was the one embarrassed. I never gave a massage to people I have feelings for before. Or I've seen them naked before I massage them. I gave Donny a massage only after we slept together. This way, you avoid the surprise of seeing the other's body for the first time during it. That was my policy. But now...
He unbuttoned his shirt, and he took it off. I didn't look, but I could imagine it. And I was trying to imagine the body I would discover when turning around. I was used to Donny's body, which was as far away from perfection as I could imagine. When he told me he was ready, I turned around. And we both blushed. Him probably because he lived this moment over and over again in his mind. Me because I forgot what a beautiful body looked like. I told him to lay on the bed, but I didn't look him in the eyes. I couldn't. I can't explain it but I couldn't. And my imagination was pretty good. He WAS handsome!
I took out my massage oil and placed myself next to him. I rubbed some in my hands and started massaging his shoulders. He smelled heavenly. His hair smelled like peach. His skin was amazingly soft; it was the first time I was massaging a man with such perfect skin. The whole experience was very sensual. The feeling of our skins touching was kind of erotic. Instead of staying beside him, like I always do, I decided to sit down on him. When my hands went a little further down his back, the strangest thing happened: I saw all the little hair on the back of his neck stand up. It was the first time I saw something like this happen. And I was the one doing this to him. And my massage looked less and less like one. I poured some massage oil in the middle of his back, and I started rubbing it all over it. I wasn't massaging him anymore, I was caressing him. Very slowly. Drawing things with my fingers on his back. And feeling him struggling between letting himself go to it or getting out of here as fast as he could. And I heard him whisper my name very slowly, with a very confused voice. I didn't answer. I simply did what I wanted to do in the kitchen that afternoon where he burned his hand. When Martin walked in on us. I kissed the back of his neck. With all the sensuality I had in me. And when he turned around, I took his hands, laid him back on the bed, and this time he kissed me. In a way I never thought Niles Crane was capable of. So passionately that I let my grip go. He took my head in his hands, as if he feared that he would wake up and find out that nothing of this ever happened. But I had no intention of going anywhere. We were there, and this time he wouldn't escape. I wanted him. He wanted me. And nothing was going to stop us now.
Nothing except Donny entering the room.
It is said, by some, that lightning never strikes the same location twice.
She had proved that claim to be utterly false, lightning from the depths of a passionate hurricane, blinding in light and with intense heat struck me again just now.
Mel was being, for the lack of a better word, bitchy, and I sought refuge at Frasier's apartment from her constant nit-picking and shredding me up and down.
Little did I know I had jumped out of the frying pan and into a much bigger fire.
I rang the doorbell, and was greeted by none other than Daphne herself, and she, upon sight of me, became rather visibly uncomfortable, blushing and fidgeting with her hands, as if I were some harbinger of tension.
As I made my way into the living room, I was greeted by the now-familiar Donny Douglas, who asked how I was doing, and for some unknown reason I stumbled into telling him about how Mel had been driving me nuts as of late, and how I had been so tense and unnerved I had suffered 2 days deprived of sleep. Some things, it turned out, are better left unsaid, for Donny, obviously ignorant of what had transpired Daphne and I earlier, suggested that Daphne give me a massage.
It was then that I saw Daphne turn literally scarlet. I decided at this point it would be in the mutual interest of all three of us if I were to make my exit, but Donny insisted, and feeling helpless to resist, I acceded.
Daphne responded by giving her fiancee a smile, the fakeness of which was utterly transparent. and asked me to come into her room.
I was horribly embarrassed by the invitation, something in the way she said it didn't sound at all right, but I followed her into the eye of the storm, which turned out to be her bedroom.
I attempted to relax the tension that seemed to saturate the air around us by commenting on the decor of the room, but that did little good, as I said it was "warm, simple, and beautiful," which, I added was a reflection of its occupant. She looked at me and I blushed in realization of what I had said, which certainly did not help matters in the slightest.
I had tried everything in my power to suppress my feelings for Daphne, but some things are, in truth, too powerful to be denied. 7 years was not going away in 2 weeks. It was then that I noticed that we were alone, in her room, and her bed seemed to loom ominously in my vision, several times normal size. I couldn't help looking at her and thinking about just sweeping her into my arms and lying her down on that bed, and slowly undressing her...I fought against my impulse with every ounce of self control I possessed, tried to think about anything and everything that wasn't Daphne, and was not having much luck, when she spoke.
She said that, as long as we were in here, she might as well give me that massage, and then she asked:
"Dr. Crane, maybe you should take your shirt off."
That was NOT something that was helping my self control in the slightest, but I complied, slowly, trying not to think that I was in Daphne's bedroom, removing a rather significant piece of my clothing, no less, when I realized this had been the very same outfit the night she had come to the Montana, angry at Sherry and practically asking me to sleep with her. I did not find the coincidence amusing.
It did not help things either when she was, well, staring down at me, looking at me like I would have looked at her if she had removed HER shirt, and then she told me to lie down on the bed.
I closed my eyes, trying to think of my morning appointments, a favorite aria, anything to get my mind from HER, but to little effect.
She rubbed some massage oil on her hands, and started with my shoulders, the feeling of the perfect skin of her hands and the oil was quite simply heavenly, and I gave up trying to take my mind off her and imagining what it would be like to be the one rubbing oil all over her body, and inhaling the delectable variety of beautiful smells which abounded in her room, slipping into a wonderful daydream.
It was then that she sat down on me, and slid her hands further down my back, and I felt each individual hair on the back of my neck stand straight on end. And then she poured some massage oil all over the exposed portion of my body. And I felt her touch transform from a massage into a wonderful caress. I had never before experienced a feeling so deeply sensual, or arousing, , or wonderful, and I knew where she wanted it to lead, and for the first time in 7 years our desires ran parallel. The desire to leave before we got into some real trouble gradually faded, and I, almost in a voice beyond my control, slowly whispered her name.
It was then that I felt the spine-tingling sensation of her hair brushing my shoulders, and I felt the hot kiss of her breath on the back of my neck, followed by the delicious warm, velvet wetness of her lips.
I had totally lost all sense of propriety or reason, my grip on reality had been blissfully relinquished, as I felt the sensation of my most delicious fantasies of the past 7 years about to come to life, and I turned around to face her.
It was then that she slipped her hands into my won, and gently laid me back on her bed, and, as I looked into her eyes and her frighteningly beautiful face, I felt the last of my willpower blissfully fly out the window, and I kissed her.
I kissed her, with all the force of 7 years of unrequited love and unrealized passion, like I always wanted to kiss Daphne, as I had always dreamed it happening. I didn't at that point know who in the hell Donny, Mel, Frasier, or anyone else was, I nearly forgot my own name, but I didn't care.
It was surreal. It was perfection. It was HER. And I knew, with no words needing to be exchanged between us, that she wanted me as badly as I wanted her every day of my life since we had met. The unstoppable chain reaction had begun.
And then the door opened, revealing an absolutely stunned Donny Douglas.
End of Part 2
Talk about reality hitting you in the face...
I looked at Niles. He was white as a ghost, shaking from head to toe. I never thought Donny would walk in on us. But he did. And now I'm in an awful mess.
It didn't help to notice that Niles looked as confused as Donny. It was obvious that he had no idea what possessed me, and I had no idea if he was happy it happened or not. For the moment all he could do was look at Donny, and all I could do was look at Niles, waiting for some kind of reaction. But the only reaction came from Donny, who started yelling at me, calling me a slut, and telling Niles that if he wasn't out of the apartment in 30 seconds he would kill him.
I was scared to death. My only chance was that Niles was in the apartment. I had no idea what would happen to me if he'd leave. Because there was no one there to save me. Except Niles. And I had no idea what he'd do either.
Niles didn't move, but Donny did. He slapped me. So hard I lost all feeling on the right side of my face. And then Niles moved. He punched Donny on the face and broke his nose. I never saw him like this. Donny was out for the count, but Niles took him by the shirt, put him back on his feet, slammed him against the wall, and whispered something in his ear so slowly and with so much anger that I shivered myself. "If you ever touch her again, EVER, you're a dead man. I hope you understand this."
And then he left. And he didn't give any news since then. As for Donny, he left for good. Saying he wished he never met me in the first place. But I didn't care. All I cared about was Niles. Niles who left without saying where he'd go and for how long. All I could do was hope he'd be back soon.
Donny had, at last, recovered from his initial surprise. Shock, apparently, had given way to anger.
Daphne looked at me. I was sweating all over, the blood had nearly drained from my skin, I was humiliated, shocked, confused, and quite honestly, scared shitless.
I still couldn't believe that we had kissed, let alone that it was HER making the moves on ME. I mean, sure, it was heavenly, but was it just a crazy impulse or a sign?? I knew we were on the verge of doing something horribly wrong, I dating Mel and she an engaged woman. But I saw it in her eyes when I turned to face her before we kissed.
She wanted it as badly as I did.
And Donny had to walk in. Of all the things that could have possibly ruined the moment, surely this was the worst of all. I just looked over at him, not knowing if he was going to come over here and beat me to a bloody pulp, do something to Daphne, just yell and scream, silently walk away??
Then Donny started yelling as loud as he could, not at me, but at Daphne. He called her a slut, a tramp, a lying little bitch, and a lot of other things I would rather not mention.
Donny was still ranting and raving when Daphne looked over at me, as if she was pleading for something, and she looked, well, helpless and scared out of her wits.
Now what happened next is sort of a blur to me. I remember a few flashbacks of key moments, but little else, so bear with me if my account is not the most accurate.
Anyway, well, to listen to some of the things Donny was saying to her, I was starting to get MAD. I mean Daphne was like one of the sweetest, most honest, gentle people I have ever met, and I couldn't stand to let ANYONE talk to her like that, I don't care who he was, especially Donny.
All I remember was a flood of steadily building indignation and rage. My skin became hot to the touch, my jaw clenched so tightly that I felt like I might break a few teeth, my hands balled into fists and my fingernails dug into my palms. I felt like a stick of dynamite ready to explode at any second.
And then Donny lit the fuse.
He kept yelling his head off, and said he would kill me if I didn't leave in 30 seconds. I was scared even more than earlier, sure, but there was no way in hell I would have left Daphne alone with him in that room unless I was physically dragged out of there. Of course, by looking at Donny I could see that event as an actual possibility. I mean what was I going to do, kick his ass? He was about the same height, sure, but had maybe 40-50 pounds on me and his flab seemed to conceal a good bit of muscle hidden underneath, and I had never really gotten into a fight in my life, seeing the matter as a foregone conclusion and when I was a kid, just letting people beat the crap out of me. Resistance was futile.
Or so I thought.
I had also forgotten 2 things: 1. Beware the wrath of a passionate man and 2. Intense feelings can be translated into physical energy in extreme situations.
Then, all hell broke loose.
Donny finally stepped inside the room, fuming, leaving his perch at the doorway. He walked up to Daphne, and slapped her as hard as he could, knocking her back stunned.
The next few seconds seemed like hours, as they moved in what seemed like slow motion.
I lost it.
Something about seeing Daphne threatened triggered this huge adrenaline rush that lent me almost supernatural strength. I remember literally seeing red. I remember moving toward Donny and, as if possessed by some demon, drawing back my right arm and punching him squarely in the nose with all the force I could bring to bear.
I felt/heard a distinct SNAP! which was actually the breaking of Donny's nose. He went down, caught totally by surprise (hell, I was probably more surprised than he but I was being guided by some force beyond my comprehension)
I remember reaching down, grabbing his shirt collar, and in one quick jerk yanking him to his feet and slamming him against the wall as hard as I could, actually puncturing the sheetrock where his left elbow hit, and I remember whispering, no, actually literally HISSING in his ear, pronouncing each word with emphasis and clarity: "If you ever touch her again, EVER, you're a dead man. I hope you understand this."
I looked him in the eye and I swear that Donny Douglas, a man much bigger, stronger, and assertive than I, was TERRIFIED of me. He must have thought me possessed by a demon. In a way, I was.
And then, he left, in a hurry. He said, on his way out the door, that he wished he had never met me in the first place, sounding strange as he covered his nose, which was gushing blood, with one of his hands, shirt ripped where I had grabbed it, and clearly not intent on coming back.
I am glad that there was not a gun in Daphne's room, because I think I could have easily killed him without hesitation.
I slowly started to journey back to reality. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I just....left, without so much as a goodbye to Daphne. I just....had to get out of there, away from them, away from everybody.
About 10 minutes later, I had gotten in my car and was sitting in the seat and just began shaking uncontrollably. A feverish chill set in, feeling like I was freezing and burning at once. I was coming down from all the adrenaline racing through my system, and I collapsed from exhaustion. The previous events had used up every reserve of energy and strength I had in me all at once, at the price of long-term exhaustion. I woke up some number of undetermined hours later, started my car, and just started driving. I had to get away from Donny, Daphne, Mel, everybody. I left no notice, no warning. I just went.
End of Part 3
Donny left. You left. And now I'm alone, trying to explain why my face is all bruised up and why my heart is broken in pieces. I told them that Donny and I had an argument, which turned into yelling, which turned into a fight. He accused me of cheating on him with another man, which I denied, and he got mad. He tried to punch me, but I got out of his way. That explained the hole in the wall. And he slapped me. That explained my face, even if I didn't made this part up. And then he left, saying he wished he never met me in the first place. The end. That was my story. And even if it is far fetched, I'm going to stick to it, and leave you out of it until you're back. Until we come to some sort of understanding. It's so simple to blame this out on Donny. So simple and weak. But that's what I've been doing for the past few days. Lying and praying. Making Donny the monster that he's not, and begging for you to come back. And soon. Because I don't know how long I'll be able to endure the pain of you being away.
I'm not excusing Donny. He had no right to hit me, but I excuse the anger and the disillusion he's living. Poor Donny. How I wish my life was the one I lived only 4 months ago. When I was getting married to a man I thought I loved. Before you, before I knew, before Mel, before everything. In the comfortable life I was planning for me and Donny. But you were there. It was a mistake to try to avoided it. I made my choice at first but I made the wrong one. I should have listened to my heart instead of my head. Chose you instead of Donny right from the start. Tell you I knew how you felt about me. Tell you everything on the balcony. That night where everything changed. Where everything became as bright as day. But those things aren't easy to say. You would be the first to agree with me. Poor Donny. He never deserved what I did to him.
My main problem is that I have to deal with Mel's suspicions. Because since you left Mel decided I was her new confidante. Mel. Every time I say her name my heart breaks. She's yours. I'm not. I know I won't win this fight. She doesn't want to let you go. She told me. She said that she would kill the little whore who stole you. She's convinced that you left for another woman. And that she'll find out who she is, and make her life a living hell. I'm kind of scared. She seems so powerful that I think she could kill me if she knew.
You're away, and my heart is breaking every minute. You're away, and only God knows where you are. You're away, and I couldn't even explain myself. You're away, and it's driving me crazy.
I don't know why you left, but I understood something very important since you did.
I love you. After seven years I finally realized I love you. You. You who's not here, and you I miss dreadfully. Everything is you. My days, my nights, my dreams are you. My future is you. You and me. Us. For the rest of our days. If you still want me. If she didn't make it to your heart. If I'm still the one.
I love you. And right now I can only love a memory. Your memory. A memory who seems more distant with each passing day. I didn't want to scare you. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to confuse you. But I did it. And you left. What is left for me to do but hold my breath until you're here again? Because I only want to be with you. And make it all worthwhile. Make this wonderful kiss we shared the first of millions to come.
I love you. Like I never loved anyone else before. I miss you. Like I never missed anybody else before. Please come back to me. So we can start our life together. Together.
Je t'aime et je t'espére, attendant tes pas comme une délivrance.
I started my car and just, well, started driving. I didn't have any idea where I was going, but I didn't care. I just had to get away, from Daphne, from Donny, from Mel, from everyone.
The recent strange sequence of events with Daphne had hit me with the force of a sledgehammer, and I needed time to think.
I love Daphne. I've always loved Daphne. But for so many years she had been nothing more than a most wonderful dream, and now it seemed the dream was moving more and more onto the plane of reality...it was all just so sudden, so unexpected, I don't know what to think, or what to do.
Oh, sure, I know what I WANT to do. I WANT to just walk into Frasier's apartment, take her in my arms, and kiss her, and tell her in no uncertain terms how I've felt over these last agonizing years.
But I had always pictured her as not returning my feelings for her, but now, nothing could be more evident. But the fact that the situation had performed a full 180-degree turn in just a few days, the sheer suddenness of it, had shaken me, jarred me out of this comfortable, familiar, if depressing dream and into reality. It was almost...scary...
I felt as if 7 years worth of emotions were suddenly straining to burst out through the cracks that were forming in the dam, and God only knows what the resulting flood could do, for good or for ill. I had lived with an illusion of my own making for so long, and now it had been shattered by events. I just needed some time to deal with this, to get my head together before I go back and do something stupid, without thinking.
As if this is a matter of thought or logic? Love is not rational, cannot be classified, categorized, quantified, understood, controlled, or predicted...it just...is...
Of course I would tell Daphne, of that there was no question except when. We had not just crossed a line these past few days, we tripped over it, obliterated it.
But what was I going to tell Mel? "Uhh, sorry, I forgot to mention this little matter of being completely, hopelessly in love with someone else for 7 years, but, hey, sorry, that's the breaks?" Hell, I should have never even dated her in the first place, she was nothing more than a substitute for Daphne, even I knew that, and it sure as hell wasn't being fair to her. Or Daphne, for that matter. To think that all this time, if I had told her before on any one of the innumerable occasions when I might have done so, and neither of us, Daphne, Mel, Donny, or myself, would have to go through this whole mess. But how was I to know? Daphne had hidden it even better than I. Hindsight, it is said, is always 20/20.
Well, for the first time, I had a clear vision of the future as well.
End of Part 4
"A week. A week already since you left. One hellish week. A week where I woke up hoping for you and ended up crying myself to sleep. A week of worry, of despair, a week without you. Without you who changed my life.
Funny how you not being here changed everybody's life...For one thing Mel took your place (she's here more often than you were) and I think she begins to see me as a potential friend instead of the help. Can you believe it? Mel and I great friends? This doesn't make sense. She must be pretty desperate for support to think of me time I wished I was part of the decor. I wished she wouldn't even know my name. Because every time she looks at me I feel guilt taking over my entire body. She trusts me. But she shouldn't. Because I'm the person who sent her boyfriend away, even if it wasn't my intention. Because every time she talks about this little whore that stole her boyfriend she doesn't know that she's standing right in front of her. Sometimes I wish I was the one who went away. I wouldn't have to play this charade with her. I destroy everything I touch, don't I?
In a way your departure brought Roz and Frasier closer. Roz because she missed bitching you: you'll be happy to know that she officially named you her favorite chew toy (you can't spent 6 years talking to Bulldog without any consequences...), and Frasier because he lost the only friend he had. You know as well as I do how Martin loves opera, and wine tastings, and stuff like that...so you can imagine how lonely Frasier feels at that time. They spend a lot of time together, and I think that they are in a way discovering each other. Working with someone doesn't mean that you actually know the other...I wouldn't say they are a perfect couple, but then again if perfect matchmaking was the main criteria for a relationship, then we wouldn't stand a chance...but it's been a while since I saw both Roz and Frasier as happy. Even if what brought them together was the fact that they were both sad you left.
As for Martin, well you never know. He keeps everything inside. But I really think he misses you. He's not the same. He looks sadder, and he seems very lonely. And worried. A father will always be a father, no matter how old are the children. I think he just hopes, like I do, that you're alright. And that no matter what the reasons are for your departure you can find a way to get back to us all."
I closed my diary. Somehow the only way I found to go through the day was to write to him. Even if he weren't there, and even if he'd never read it. And then I could find the courage to go out in the living room and smile. And tonight was no exception.
I went in the living room and, as it happened so often since he left, everybody, including Mel, was talking. And, as it happened so often since he left, he was the main subject of their conversation. Everybody had his or her little theory on why he left, and when he'd be back. I'm the only one who knows the answer to the first question. I never thought he would leave for so long. I thought he was out for a couple of hours, and then he'd cool down and we would be able to talk about it rationally. But he didn't come back. And I started worrying sick. I'm still worried sick. But somehow I know that he's alright, safe in a place away from me and from everybody else. For the first time in his life Niles Crane had to take a decision based solely on himself. Nobody could help him for it, including me. So I stopped worrying and started hoping. And every night we would sit in the living room, like tonight, hoping for a phone call or a knock on the door. Which didn't come.
We were all there, again tonight, waiting for him. Hoping for him. But tonight it was a week exactly since he left, and I had all the trouble in the world keeping a straight face, so I took a glass of wine to calm down. Which led to another one. And to another one. And I got totally drunk. You know, the kind of drunkenness which makes you feel great, which calms the pain, which makes you forget the bad to focus on the good. And I felt very good. Except for the fact that the only one talking was Mel. And that the more she was talking the more she was getting on my nerves.
She was talking about Niles, of course, but she was talking about the superficial man, the one who became corkmaster because of her, the one who needed her, the one who felt helpless without her. And I was steaming. Because I realized that she didn't know him at all, and that she was using him for her own pleasures. Well, maybe I blew it over proportions, but you can't really think clearly when you had too much to drink. The point was that the Niles she was describing was not the Niles I knew. The sweet, lovable and desirable one I knew. This she didn't seem to see. All she saw in him was her own personal puppet. And it was Maris all over again.
And she said something that made me lose it.
"He wouldn't be the Niles Crane he is without me."
That was it.
I stood up, and walked toward her. I wasn't the only one shocked by her last statement (I mean Frasier's mouth was wide open from amazement), but I'm the only one who had such a radical reaction to it. And I started talking. Very slowly. Trying to contain my anger.
"You're right Mel, Niles Crane wouldn't be who he is without you. Niles Crane would be the man he was before meeting you. He would be the man who was always complimenting me, always helping me, always listening to me. He would be the friend I miss so much because he's always with you, if you weren't there. He would still smell my hair and care for me, if you weren't there. He would still love me if you weren't there!"
Then I realized what I just said. And I took a look around me. Everybody was in a total state of shock. Well, except Roz who knew I knew Niles' secret, but Frasier and Martin were just looking at each other, wondering who was the one to blow the secret. And wondering probably who would be the first to go tell Niles about it. And wondering what Niles would do about Mel.
Mel.
All of a sudden everybody looked at her, and at me, not knowing what would happen next. Hell I didn't know what would happen next. How could I? I couldn't even look at her. I was imagining her turning into some sort of monster, or thinking of a way to kill me, or God knows what. I was really scared. But I couldn't move nor think rationally (I was so drunk I had trouble standing on my feet), so I stood there, waiting for her reaction. Or another slap on my still bruised up face. But the reaction never came.
You chose that exact moment to come back.
A week later, I had sufficiently cleared my head of any nagging doubts about my course of action. And, so, with all the resolution and confidence I was able to muster, I exited my car and rang Mel's doorbell. No answer. I waited, rang again, still no answer. I decided to head back to the Montana to unpack a few things, and was not unaware of the possibility that Mel might be there.
I was incredibly nervous. I felt like crap. I knew it would not be easy to tell Mel what I had to say, that I wasn't in love with her, in fact, I was in love with someone else, and had been, albeit unknowingly, all the time Mel and I had been dating. In other words, I hadn't been entirely honest with her. Me, ethical as I claimed to be, pulling one hell of a convincing deception. I didn't like it in the least, but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it...
She wasn't at the Montana either, so as a last resort, I headed for Frasier's. I still wasn't sure how to explain what had happened, what Daphne had or had not told them, or if Donny had said anything, I had no clue. I knew Frasier would ask, and I hated it, because it really wasn't any of his damn business.
I opened the door, and did not like the look of the scene which had unfolded before me. Daphne and Mel were standing, facing at each other, Daphne with a mixture of shock and glaring, Mel and everybody else just looked shocked. When they saw me walk in the front door, they were even more dumbstruck. Clearly, to make a supreme understatement, I had walked in at the wrong time.
Then Mel walked slowly up to me and slapped me directly across the face.
End of Part 5
We all stood there in shock. Except Mel who slapped you with all her strength. You didn't seem surprised at all, as if you were expecting Mel to react in such a way. Of course you knew her better than I do, so that would explain it.
You looked at me. And I put on a weak smile. Somehow I knew this wasn't the time for me to step up and say something. Mel was still there, and she was looking at you with so much anger in her eyes that I just wanted to hide. I felt so ashamed. But you didn't look ashamed. You looked like you knew what you were going to answer to her questions, and I had no idea which way it would go. But I would know pretty soon. She just started the questions part.
'How could you do this to me! Leave me here without even telling me where you went! Why did you leave anyway?'
I looked at you. You seemed so calm, as if your decision was final and now was just the wording of it.
You answered that you went to think about a lot of things. About your relationship with her, where it would go, and why you were with her. That did not help Mel to calm down. At all. She was so angry I could see her nails digging in the palm of her hands. But she tried to stay calm, and ask very slowly what was the conclusion of your little escapade.
'I don't love you Mel.' was your answer.
And she slapped you again. This time her face was on fire.
'WHAT? You don't love me???? How could you do this to me?
You stood there, silent. You just looked at her, your face without any expression whatsoever. I had no idea what went through your mind at that moment. All I knew is that it took you an entire week to figure this out. And for the first time in your life you took a decision by yourself. And I was hanging to your every word, because I knew that your decision about Mel would concern me as well.
Mel took a deep breath, and looked at you. And she asked a question that send us both out for the count.
'Does this have anything to do with the fact that you've been in love with Daphne?'
You looked at me. And I looked at you. I never saw you so scared since I've known you. And it was understandable. You had no idea I knew about it, and you probably didn't understand why I wasn't shocked by the revelation. I just didn't know how to react; part of me wanted to tell you I knew about it and the other part knew it wasn't the right time to do it. In both cases I knew that some resolution would come pretty soon, and that there would not be any turning back after it.
After what seemed like an eternity to us, you finally looked me in the eyes, and answer by the affirmative.
I was sure she would slap you again. But instead, she just took her coat, and walked away. That was it. No useless yelling, no violent reaction, just her leaving. And Frasier, Martin and Roz looking at us both. They didn't seem to want to move. And I lost it.
'Do you think it would be too much to ask to give us some privacy!?!'
They finally left, probably trying to guess which way it would go. I'm pretty sure most of the bets were against us.
We stood there, facing each other, not knowing really what to do. You started to talk first, but all I could focus on was your lips, and how they seemed so soft. Just like I recalled them. I couldn't even hear what you were saying. I just wanted to kiss you.
I took a couple of steps forward, stood in front of you, and watch your reaction. You seemed to have lost all your means, looking at me without knowing what I would do next. And then you said my name. You whispered my name. And my only answer was a smile. And a declaration. Short and simple, without any poetry or text, just 3 simple words.
'I love you.'
You pulled me closer to you, passed your hand through my hair, and I knew right there and then that you were the man I was meant to be with. For the first time in my life, I knew I wouldn't have to look any further. You were the man I would spend the rest of my life with.
I looked at you, like I never looked at you before. I saw you for the first time.
I closed my eyes, and I brought my lips slowly on yours. And you answered to my kiss with such tenderness my heart went absolutely crazy. It was pure magic. It was perfect in every way. And it was happening to us.
Right then Frasier, Roz and Martin got out of the kitchen. And Roz yelled 'You owe me 50 bucks!!!'
We looked at each other and we smiled. And you kissed me. Soon we were surrounded by the rest of the family, all congratulating us, and Frasier opened a bottle of champagne. I knew nothing could be more perfect than this very moment. And the celebration went on 'til midnight, with us holding hands and trying to explain how we finally found the road to each other. I fell asleep on your shoulder. And when I woke up you were looking at me, still in the living room, you took my hand in yours and you led me to my bedroom.
Well, Mel slapping me was not exactly surprising, I will admit. I expected it. She was rather high strung and I knew she'd be really angry at me, which was not at all helping the realization that I came here to break up with her.
All I could do was sort of look over at Daphne, who flashed the semblance of a smile, but said nothing, looking as if she were anticipating something. Well, we were all anticipating something. Anticipating different things, true, though I did know this just yet, but waiting nonetheless.
Mel shattered the silence with force, she had been staring daggers of fire and ice at me ever since I walked in the door.
"How could you do this to me!" she asked in a shocked, icy voice that made me feel horribly uncomfortable. "Leave me there without even telling me where you went!" Why did you leave anyway?"
I had been expecting her to say almost exactly that. I knew what I was going to say but at the moment I lost my nerve and my phrasing became in doubt. I decided it best to be quick, brutal, and honest, just have it out, get it over with.
"I-I needed some time, alone, Mel. I needed-time to think-about our relationship. Time to think about where we're headed, and why I was with you, and why I supposed that you were with me."
I could see Mel only becoming more angry and shocked, and barely succeeding in holding herself together, and I hadn't even said IT yet.
Well, actually, I paused before summoning my powers of speech, and she took the opening as to what the result of all this introspection had been.
"I...don't...love you, Mel." There. I said it. All that was left was her reaction, and I had been the recipient of her outbursts before.
She slapped me, a second time. I didn't really feel it, I didn't feel, really, anything. I heard her speak as if we were underwater, sound reaching my ears in slow motion.
"WHAT?? You don't love me??? How could you do this to me??"
I remained in my partial daze. I knew her reaction would be as much. She took everything as a personal affront, being so self-centered. The fact that I was merely being honest was irrelevant. One of the reasons I could never love her like I love you.
That, it seemed was it, she just glared at me in silence. I assumed that the worst of the storm had passed, everyone was still alive and sane. I could breathe now.
And then she asked a simple question.
"Does this have anything to do with the fact that you've been in love with Daphne?"
If there was something I NEVER expected to hear from Mel, that was it. I literally froze on my feet, my mouth went bone dry, the blood seemed to drain at once from my body, I felt like I would start shaking uncontrollably, or faint, or hyperventilate, or all of the above simultaneously. I felt like a man hit by a truck. How the hell did Mel know about you, anyway? Did that mean that you knew??
I looked at you, and noticed that you didn't seem all that shocked for someone who had just heard Mel ask me what she did. The thought that you knew was too much for me to handle, because your reaction seemed to indicate that you hadn't seemed to reach a definite decision on things. I suppose you could have interpreted the things that happened to us in the past month as a passing phase, for all I knew. All I knew was that I wanted you to love me like I loved you and that I had to answer Mel's question, in front of my entire family, in front of my now-ex girlfriend, in front of Roz, I was supposed to bare my soul of a 6-year secret. Not exactly the romantic setting I had always envisioned.
I simply looked over at you, deeply into your eyes, and uttered a simple word of pure sincerity.
"Yes," I said.
I looked back at Mel, who was clearly as angry, offended, and I think, embarrassed as ever, and she simply got her coat and walked out, slamming the door with all the force her slight form could muster. Frasier, Roz, and my father all just looked at us, as if they could not believe they had ringside seats to such a dramatic event as this, no one wanting to move, just stare, you and I staring at each other, and the rest of them staring at both of us.
Lifesaver that you were, you yelled at them to give us some privacy, which took a small part of the incredible pressure I felt off of me. Each second seemed to drag on for days, Dad, Roz, and Frasier seeming to leave the room in agonizingly slow motion through my distorted perspective of time.
We just stood there, face to face, my heart racing, the pit of my stomach felt as if it were being constricted with a vice, I was burning and freezing at the same time, I seemed to take the moment to cool down a bit, as much as I could, because you still had not answered me.
You moved toward me, in slow motion, I wasn't sure if you were going to slap me or kiss me, the agony of not knowing was killing me, and all I could do was simply whisper one word.
"Daphne."
Then you smiled at me, and said just 3 words, 3 words that would nonetheless profoundly change the course of my life.
"I love you." you said, simply.
My only reaction was to pull you close to me, run a hand through your hair, and you moved to kiss me, passionate yet tender at once, the most memorable kiss I had ever experienced up to that point.
The mood was rudely interrupted by Frasier and Dad exiting the kitchen, followed by Roz's victory shout that they owed her 50 bucks. How like her to gamble on our love lives....on the other hand, she hadn't bet against us.
We just looked at each other, smiling, reveling in the knowledge of what had just happened, we kissed a second time and everybody was telling us congratulations and Frasier broke out some champagne, and it was an exhilarating experience, and it seemed to go on and on, until I woke up, later on the couch in the living room with you still asleep on my shoulder, I just found myself content to stare at you, not wanting to disturb you, and then you woke up, and then we sort of decided that your bedroom would be a much more accommodating piece of real estate, given the circumstances.
The sun was rising on the beautiful city of Seattle when you fell asleep. As for me, I couldn't help but look at you. You looked so peaceful, so beautiful I couldn't take my eyes of you. I never thought tonight would be so memorable....
You took my hand in yours and led me to my bedroom.
I can't really explain it but I've never been that nervous to the anticipation of making love with someone since my first time, I guess. Which was quite a long time ago. Nervous because I didn't know what you were expecting from me. I didn't know what went on in this little head of yours for the last 7 years, so I had no idea what little scenarios you planned for you and me. I just knew you'd been dreaming about it for quite a while. I only hoped I wouldn't disappoint you.
We got to my room and you closed the door behind us. You walked toward me, very slowly, as if you still weren't sure all of this was happening. You sat beside me on the bed, and you asked me if it was a good idea to go that fast. That was you. You always took in consideration what I had to say. All I did was look into your innocent blue eyes, and kissed you with all the tenderness I had in me. This time we both knew nothing could stop us, and this magical moment would happen tonight. Simply because we wanted to. Because we wanted each other.
We looked at each other, none of us wanting to break this perfect moment. You simply unbuttoned the first button of my blouse. Looking at your trembling hands. Looking at my skin, which was revealing itself to you a little more with each move you made. Until you totally opened it, and ran your fingers on my naked skin. You barely touched me. Just caressed me, like if you were afraid of hurting me. You took my blouse off, let it drop on the floor, and kissed my shoulder. I closed my eyes. I never felt so desirable in my whole life. I had the feeling I was the most beautiful woman in the world right now, just because you touched me like the most precious thing anyone can possess. I never felt a desire so intense taking over my entire body. The whole thing was quite simply erotic.
I undid the buttons of your shirt, and for the second time I was able to see, to feel your skin under my fingers. I saw you shiver when my hand touched your chest. I just wanted to discover you, to kiss every single part of your body, to run my hands on your naked skin. I wanted you so bad...
You unhook my bra, and I couldn't help but blush. You took it off very slowly, and I felt your lips going down my shoulder, to the front of my neck...and I couldn't help but moan. I was completely losing my mind, and you knew it. And you wanted the torture to last as long as I could bear it. But passion was gaining over me, and before long I took you head in my hands, brought you back to my lips and kissed you with all the passion, all the rising desire I had in me. We just stayed there for a while, kissing like the end is near, lying on my bed, both breathless.
You undress me completely, and you looked at me. Like you never looked at me before. Like I was some sort of apparition...and I ask you, quite simply, if I was what you expected. To which you answered that I was even more than that. I stood up in front of you, undressed you myself, and looked at you too. You really were beautiful. I told you, and somehow it made you smile. Like if no one ever told you something as true and as simple before. 'You're beautiful.'. You looked me in the eyes, and whispered that you loved me, and that if I wanted it to stop to just say so. But I had no intention of stopping anything. I took your hand, and led you slowly to the bed. And as I felt desire from both sides rising to the point where we thought we would go crazy, I whispered to you to make love to me. And you did.
It was heavenly. It was absolutely amazing. As if we had been making love together forever. Just knowing the touch, the kiss, the words to set the other on fire. And then I touched the sky. I was yelling your name, my nails digging in your back, losing total control of myself. I never felt something so powerful before, so earth shattering, so intense. And no man ever made love to me like you did before. Never. I didn't have the impression that you were making love to me; we were making love together. Together. And we fell in each other's arms, breathless, lifeless, until another touch, another word would light the fire again. Only one word could describe it : perfection.
The sun is rising on the beautiful city of Seattle and you sleep peacefully beside me, smiling in your sleep. I kiss your cheek, and put my head on your chest. Feeling, hearing your heart beat. The beat of your heart. Of our heart. Innamoramento. Feeling, hearing the birth of a love. Of our love. Forever.
I lie awake in your bed, staring up at the ceiling, events of the last hours which have burned into my memory with the heat of a thousand brightest suns replaying themselves continuously in my mind.
Never did I think it possible, until now, that such perfection could exist, that 2 people could ever want each other as much as we did. I have never experienced anything so intense in my entire life. It was as if you slowly set every nerve in my body ablaze with passion until the flames consumed me entirely.
I feel as though I gave you everything within me, my body, my heart, my spirit, my last breath. Yet I do not feel empty, for you gave me no less. For the first time in my life I felt desirable, it seemed as if I had seen myself through your eyes and found that the person I am and the person you want me to be were indeed the same, I felt no urgency or panic to please you, I felt no fear, only you. It seemed that we had made love a thousand times, before we even met, as though we were divided halves of a single being.
Looking at you, asleep, head resting against my chest, the smooth, porcelain skin of your body, and your warmth held tight against me, the gentle caress of your breath as you exhale, the hint of a smile on your face, I could draw the conclusion that you are an angel, an angel sent to me. You look so beautiful, so serene, so peaceful, so perfect in your sleep, I can't help but wonder of what you must be dreaming, if I am as much a part of your dreams as you of mine. I could live the rest of my life like this, I could die now and find heaven itself pale in comparison with you.
I can't help but wonder what strange twist of fates brought the two of us here now. Surely I did not deserve you. You might think I regret the 7 years of hell I spent loving you more every day but finding it a love impossible to express, the agony of the thought of losing you forever, but if it came down to it, and the only way we could end up where we are now was to suffer for 7 years, if I had known tonight were to happen then, I would enjoy every minute, make a heaven from my hell, because I know now that you were worth every second. I would wait for a thousand years if I knew, in the end, you would love me.
I love you, Daphne.
The End