Well here's another Angst-y one.. Dunno why I keep writing them but here it is anyway! The lyrics are from Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue. Great song, should listen to it.
You showed him all the best of you
But I'm afraid your best
Wasn't good enough
And know he never wanted you
At least not the way
You wanted yourself to be loved
And you feel like you were a mistake
He's not worth all those tears that won't go away
Kurt watched as Blaine walked away, hand in hand with the crazy, blonde haired Jeremiah.
He let the fake smile fall from his face and hot tears take its place. The pain he felt in his chest was excruciating to the point he though his heart had actually split in two.
It was a Miracle he made it home without crashing. Tears obscured his vision and he was just lucky nobody was home to ask questions.
He hated all the questions; "Are you alright?" "What happened?"
and the worst, the same answer.
It's all going to be ok
No, it wasn't. They didn't know that. What right did anybody have to say that? The future wasn't clear to anybody. And nothing was ever "all right". Not in this world.
A world where he was discriminated against just for his sexuality.
A world where being different wasn't such a good idea.
A world where nothing ever seemed to work out.
His tears were running freely down his cheeks as he collapsed on his bed, letting out a strangled cry.
He tried to be perfect, to be the one Blaine would want. But his efforts were all for nothing.
Blaine just pushed him aside constantly reminding them they were "best friends".
But Kurt wanted more than that. He wanted to be the one Blaine held hands with, the one Blaine sings to, the one Blaine kisses simply because he loves him so much, the one Blaine curls up to late at night.
Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe
Kurt sighed and rolled over to stare at the ceiling.
He was afraid and scared. He didn't want to lose Blaine. He would rather have him as a best friend, than nothing at all. But it looks like Jeremiah has taken that from him as well. Blaine never talks to him anymore. They have stopped going for coffee after Warblers practice, No more sleep over's in each others dorms simply because they fell while watching Disney movies, and definitely no more heartfelt conversations.
Kurt didn't just give up, he tried. He really did. But every time he asked Blaine what he was doing that weekend, it was always "I'm going out with Jeremiah" or "Jeremiah wants to hang out".
Blaine just doesn't make time for him anymore. And it's tearing Kurt apart. Blaine didn't know how much Kurt depended on him. The one thing right in his world, the one person that would always be there. Now none of that was true.
A fresh wave of tears came rolling out of his eyes as he thought about the last few months, his life slowly spiraling out of control, down to the dumps.
Kurt took out the black journal from his bedside table. He gently turned the pages, re-reading all the words he had wasted on Blaine. All the happy, the sad, and now the damn right miserable. He picked up the fountain pen and began to write on the very last page left of his diary. Tears splashed on to the page, slightly blurring some of the words.
He wrote about all his pain and suffering, about how much he missed his mother, about how he felt when Blaine and Jeremiah got together and Blaine started shutting him out. He left a short note for both his dad and Blaine, knowing they would eventually find this book.
Kurt walked over and opened the top draw of his dresser, pulling out a box hidden beneath some clothes.
He had been planning this for a while now. He had already said goodbye to all his friends, making sure he told them how much they meant to him even though it just made them really confused.
He tried to talk to Blaine but once again he was busy with Jeremiah. So he just settled for writing him a note.
He pulled out the red spray paint and walked over to the only bare wall, taking great care in keeping it neat.
He sat down in the middle of his bed, gazing around the room at all his belongings. His Broadway posters, the sound system in the corner and his iPod dock, his desk and laptop, clothes, various products, and settling on the back of his door which was covered in pictures of him with his friends and family. Blaine was in most of them of course, Kurt hadn't had the heart to take those ones down. Not yet.
He has overcome so much during his short life, but everything leaves a mark. All the long ago healed bruises have started to take their toll on his heart.
He took one last look before popping the cap on the bottle of pills and swallowing a handful of them dry.
He leaned over and grabbed the photo frame of his mother, clutching it to his chest.
They say that before you die your whole life flashes before your eyes, but that's not true.
Kurt only saw all the endless pain and torment, starting with his mother's death.
Goodbye, with his last thought Kurt slipped into an eternal slumber.
And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault
And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault...
Well .. ah .. Review? I'll add another short chapter tomorrow, just to wrap things up.