Author's Note and Disclaimer: Well, none of the characters are mine, except
maybe one who appears a little later, though I do wish I did own them. One
of the best shows ever made. . . Anyway, this fic is about Max Klinger when
he first came to the 4077. He meets the other people in camp, and we find
out his first attempt he made at getting out. Of course, that's just what
my imagination says his first attempt at getting out on that section eight
he deserves, you can pretend he went about it a completely different way.
The facts in my fic may not be 100 percent correct, you can point out
mistakes in any reviews you wish to put up, and I'll try to review all who
review me. Enjoy!
**~~*~~*~~*~~**
Max Klinger nervously stared at the camp they were coming up to, as if he expected enemy troops to burst out of the assembled tents there and shoot him down. Glancing at the driver, he realised how scared he actually was. The driver was relaxed, he wasn't glancing around nervously like he was. Max stared ahead again, towards the camp. They were coming up to a sign, and he craned his head back to read it.
"4077th MASH Best Care Anywhere"
He sighed, his hands sweaty and shaking. Four miles from the front. Four! He'd be dead within twenty four hours. The jeep he was in did a lap of the compound, allowing Max to get a good look at things. In the very middle, was a tent were if he looked hard enough, he could see two men, having a good time. Near the tent was a sign post, with the names of cities on it, all pointing in different directions, with the distance it was to them written on each sign. There were showers, a mess tent, where it looked like they were having church. Then there was the showers, nurse's tent, post op, operating room, and the CO tent. The jeep pulled up in front of this, and Max saw the sign which read "Henry Blake's Office". Max slowly climbed down from the jeep, as a short man came up to him, and hoisted his bags from the back of the jeep. The guy was small, and not very old, only about nineteen. He was wearing an army green beanie, and round glasses.
'Radar O'Reilly,' he said, grinning at Max and holding his hand out.
'Max Klinger,' Max replied, taking Radar's hand nervously.
'You ok? You look a little nervous?' Radar asked him.
'Huh? Oh, no, I'm fine, just. . . well, being so close to the front. It gets dangerous here, right?' Max asked, looking up at the sky.
'No, not really. We lose power sometimes, and bombs will occasionally land near the compound, but we rarely get hit,' Radar replied.
'Uh huh,' Max said, following him into the office.
'Wait here,' Radar told Max, before going through double swinging doors. Max could hear muttering inside, and he quickly checked himself over, to make sure he looked appropriate. Dark green military uniform, Corporal stripes on the arms, shoes that you could use as a mirror. Yep, all spick and span, wonder how long it'll last? Radar came out of the other room again.
'Henry Blake will see you now,' Radar said, grinning. Max gave Radar a nervous grin. He wasn't much taller than Radar, and noticed they were of the same rank. Max went up to the doors peered through the dirty glass windows, to see a man pouring himself a drink. Max pushed the doors opened, and went it. He stood in front of the desk and saluted, waiting to be acknowledged. The Colonel looked up from his glass.
'Aw, put your hand down,' he said. 'We're not big on all that military stuff here.' Max put his hand down hesitantly.
'I'm Corporal Max Klinger,' he said to the Colonel.
'Colonel Henry Blake. Sit down, pour you a scotch?' the man asked. He was wearing a fishing hat with fishing flies pinned to it, and a fishing jacket. Must like fishing.
'Uh, no thanks,' Max said, looking around.
'So, what do you think of the war?' Henry asked with the tone of asking someone if they were enjoying a holiday. Max was a little surprised. What did he think of the war? 'Never mind,' Henry said. 'You're lucky, you get a tent all to yourself. The Swamp is full, and we can't really stick you in the nurse's quarters, now can we?' Henry laughed heartily, and Max laughed along politely, wondering if maybe he'd been sent to Alice's Wonderland instead of Korea.
'Uh, sir? This is the 4077th MASH, right?' Max asked.
'Yeah, but don't bother calling me sir. I don't like it. Only Major Houlihan and Major Burns calls me "sir" and I really don't like it coming from them. Oh, and Radar. He's always been a little different to the rest of them. Just call me Henry,' the Colonel said.
'Alright, uh, Henry, I just want to know, how dangerous is it here?' Max asked him.
'Not very, unless you eat the food in the mess tent. That stuff'll put you in the hospital for a few days,' Henry said, looking very serious.
'Uh, right,' Max said.
'RADAR!' Henry yelled as the doors swung open and Radar walked in.
'Yes, sir?' Radar asked.
'One, call me Henry. Two, come after I've called you, not before, and three, show Max to his tent, show him the ropes and stuff,' Henry said. Max got up awkwardly and followed Radar out as Henry drained the rest of his scotch in one go.
'Is everyone a little weird like him?' Max asked Radar.
'No. Some of them are even weirder,' Radar told him. Max stopped.
'Like who?' he asked.
'Don't worry about it. They're all mostly harmless,' Radar said, picking up Max's bag. Max stuck close to Radar as they went out into the compound.
'So, how long have you been here?' Max asked.
'Me? Oh, a month. Came right at the beginning of the war,' Radar said cheerfully. He looked back at Max. 'Look, don't worry, you'll be fine. You settle in after a while, and get to know the ins and outs of the outfit,' he reassured him.
'I'm just a little worried about enemy planes and bombs and stuff,' Max admitted. 'Don't want to get killed.'
'Yeah, a lot of people here don't want to get killed. That's why a MASH unit is the best place to be positioned. Even if you are hit, there are plenty of doctors around,' Radar said, opening a tent door, and going inside. Max followed him and looked around. The tent was small and had little light coming in the one window at the back. There was a foot locker beside a small, uncomfortable looking cot, and a lone light bulb hung from a wire in the middle of the room.
'Well, it's probably lucky I don't have to share with anyone,' Max said, looking around, a little disappointed.
'Yeah, but you can decorate it, or something. Major Houlihan has her tent done up really nicely, and she's only been here two weeks,' Radar said, putting Max's bag down. 'Come on, I'll introduce you to some of the doctors.' Max followed Radar out of his tent and into the watery Korean sunshine again.
'How'd you get a nickname like Radar?' he asked.
'Well, you saw in Colonel Blake's office, I can tell what people are going to say. And hear things coming into camp. I knew you were coming a few minutes before anyone else saw the jeep,' Radar said. He lead Max to the tent in the middle of the compound, and Max saw a sign painted on the door, reading "The Swamp".
'Come on in,' someone called from inside. Radar opened the door and he and Max went in.
'This the guy who just came in?' one of the two men inside asked. He had light brown curly hair, and a martini glass in one hand. Although he was sitting down, from what Max could see, he was very tall. The other man was standing beside some weird science looking experiment, pouring himself a drink from a glass pitcher. He was tall as well, with bright blue eyes, and black hair.
'Captains Pierce,' Radar pointed to the dark haired one, 'and McIntyre. They're doctors here.'
'Pour you two a martini?' Pierce asked. 'And don't call me Captain, or Pierce, or sir, or Captain Pierce, or Captain Pierce sir, just call me Hawkeye.'
'And I'm Trapper,' the man with the brown hair held out his hand to Max.
'I'm Corporal Max Klinger,' he said, shaking Trapper's hand.
'Well, we sure as hell ain't going to call you Corporal Max Klinger all the time,' Hawkeye said, sitting down on an old looking chair. 'Do you have a nickname?'
'No,' Max replied. 'I'm beginning to think I'm the only one around without one.'
'You're right there. See the guy coming towards the tent now? The ugly one without any lips? His nickname is Ferret Face,' Trapper said, pointing through the see through canvas. Max looked. The guy they were talking about was ugly, a little like a ferret. His hair appeared to be thinning a little, and he was done up in full military uniform.
'Hey, Ferret face!' Hawkeye said as the man came through the door of the Swamp.
'That's Major Burns to you, you simpleton!' the man snapped.
'And hello to you to, Frank,' Trapper said. Major Burns glared at the two doctors, then noticed Max and Radar.
'Who's he?' he asked.
'Corporal Max Klinger, Mr Major Burns, sir!' Max said, scared at the evil looks the man was throwing in his direction.
'Don't feed his ego, please Max. It doesn't deserve it,' Hawkeye said lazily while Trapper laughed at "Mr Major Burns, sir".
'I do just as much as you do in the operating room!' Burns snapped.
'You do more,' Hawkeye said.
'Yeah, you take away their lives, instead of just saving them,' Trapper added. Burns glared at Max, as if he'd made the comments.
'If you were a true American, you'd have been out here weeks ago!' he hissed before leaving.
'What's his problem?' Max asked, feeling a little hurt.
'He doesn't like late comers to the war. Don't worry about Ferret Face, Max, he's the most GI man in the camp, and everyone hates him for it,' Hawkeye told him.
'I've decided I don't like ferrets,' Max said. Hawkeye and Trapper laughed.
'You're alright. Want a martini?' Trapper asked.
'Uh, no, I'm not really a big drinker,' Max replied.
'Neither is Radar. He isn't a big anything. Hang on, he's just not big!' Hawkeye joked. Radar and Max left, as Hawkeye and Trapper laughed.
'Are they always like that?' Max asked. 'Or are they better when they're sober?'
'Drunk, sober, they're always like that,' Radar muttered. 'They're good doctors, but I wish they wouldn't make fun of my height!'
'Come on, you're not that short,' Max said kindly. 'You're as tall as I am.' Radar glanced at Max and smiled.
'Thanks, Max,' he said.
'I really don't think I like that Frank Burns person, though,' Max said, seeing him a few meters away, knocking at a tent door.
'No, no one does,' Radar said. 'Well, you've seen the Swamp, and met all the doctors. You can see where the showers are from here, and if you go over later, it'll tell you when showering times are, and you can meet all the nurse's later. Did you want to see the mess tent?'
'Ok. What's the food like here? Henry didn't seem to think much of it,' Max said, following Radar towards the tent with "Officer's Mess" written above the door.
'Well, the food here is about as popular as Major Burns. But I think it's ok. You're allowed to eat as much as you like,' Radar said, a happy smile on his face at the thought of All-You-Can-Eat.
'Well, I thought there'd be more bombings, and more causalities for a MASH unit so close to the front,' Max said, a lot more calmer than he was when he first got to the 4077.
'Oh, they'll come. You watch,' Radar warned as they entered the tent. Max followed Radar in grabbing an army tray and getting served army slop. He stared at it as he followed Radar to a table and sat down.
'What is it?' he asked, poking something green on his plate with his fork.
'That?' Radar asked, mouth full of food. 'No-one knows, just eat it and hope for the best.'
'Who's the lady with the Major?' Max asked after looking around the tent. Radar looked.
'Oh, that's Major Houlihan. She's like Major Burns, except meaner, stricter, and harder to fool,' Radar replied, getting back to his eating. Max shrugged and went back to poking stuff on his tray.
'Hey, Radar? I think the grey stuff just moved,' he whispered after a while. Radar looked over.
'Oh, yeah, looks like bugs have been swimming in the mashed potatoes again,' he said before turning to his mountain high tray. 'Remind me to talk to the cook about that.'
'I don't think I'm hungry any more,' Max said, pushing the tray away.
'I'll have it!' Radar said eagerly, pulling the tray in front of him, and spooning the grey mush into his mouth. Feeling sick, Max turned away to see a man sitting at the end of their table, with his head down, and hands in his lap. He was wearing black clothes and there was a small silver cross on a necklace around his neck. Suddenly, he made a cross and looked at the food. He looked around and say Max looking at him.
'Not really the best food, is it?' he asked. Max shook his head. The man held his hand out. 'I'm Father Mulchay, the camp priest. You must be the new enlisted man we were expecting.' Max nodded.
'Yep. Corporal Max Klinger. It's nice to meet you, Father,' he said courteously. Father Mulchay smiled at Max.
'It's nice to meet you too, Corporal,' he said before beginning on his meal. Radar tapped Max on the shoulder.
'Anything else you particularly wanted to see?' he asked. Max stared down at Radar's trays.
'There is no way you could have finished off all of that,' he said in disbelief.
'Come on, I'll show you the supply room and stuff,' Radar said, standing up. Max walked after Radar in a daze. He jumped at a loud explosion.
'What the heck was that?' he demanded.
'Huh? Oh, enemy bombing. Or it might be ours. We get both,' Radar said idly. He looked back to see Max looking up at the sky as if it was going to fall on top of him. 'Max, it's ok. We very rarely get hit,' he told him.
'Yeah, thanks, Radar,' Max said, keeping an eye out for enemy planes.
**~~*~~*~~*~~**
Max Klinger nervously stared at the camp they were coming up to, as if he expected enemy troops to burst out of the assembled tents there and shoot him down. Glancing at the driver, he realised how scared he actually was. The driver was relaxed, he wasn't glancing around nervously like he was. Max stared ahead again, towards the camp. They were coming up to a sign, and he craned his head back to read it.
"4077th MASH Best Care Anywhere"
He sighed, his hands sweaty and shaking. Four miles from the front. Four! He'd be dead within twenty four hours. The jeep he was in did a lap of the compound, allowing Max to get a good look at things. In the very middle, was a tent were if he looked hard enough, he could see two men, having a good time. Near the tent was a sign post, with the names of cities on it, all pointing in different directions, with the distance it was to them written on each sign. There were showers, a mess tent, where it looked like they were having church. Then there was the showers, nurse's tent, post op, operating room, and the CO tent. The jeep pulled up in front of this, and Max saw the sign which read "Henry Blake's Office". Max slowly climbed down from the jeep, as a short man came up to him, and hoisted his bags from the back of the jeep. The guy was small, and not very old, only about nineteen. He was wearing an army green beanie, and round glasses.
'Radar O'Reilly,' he said, grinning at Max and holding his hand out.
'Max Klinger,' Max replied, taking Radar's hand nervously.
'You ok? You look a little nervous?' Radar asked him.
'Huh? Oh, no, I'm fine, just. . . well, being so close to the front. It gets dangerous here, right?' Max asked, looking up at the sky.
'No, not really. We lose power sometimes, and bombs will occasionally land near the compound, but we rarely get hit,' Radar replied.
'Uh huh,' Max said, following him into the office.
'Wait here,' Radar told Max, before going through double swinging doors. Max could hear muttering inside, and he quickly checked himself over, to make sure he looked appropriate. Dark green military uniform, Corporal stripes on the arms, shoes that you could use as a mirror. Yep, all spick and span, wonder how long it'll last? Radar came out of the other room again.
'Henry Blake will see you now,' Radar said, grinning. Max gave Radar a nervous grin. He wasn't much taller than Radar, and noticed they were of the same rank. Max went up to the doors peered through the dirty glass windows, to see a man pouring himself a drink. Max pushed the doors opened, and went it. He stood in front of the desk and saluted, waiting to be acknowledged. The Colonel looked up from his glass.
'Aw, put your hand down,' he said. 'We're not big on all that military stuff here.' Max put his hand down hesitantly.
'I'm Corporal Max Klinger,' he said to the Colonel.
'Colonel Henry Blake. Sit down, pour you a scotch?' the man asked. He was wearing a fishing hat with fishing flies pinned to it, and a fishing jacket. Must like fishing.
'Uh, no thanks,' Max said, looking around.
'So, what do you think of the war?' Henry asked with the tone of asking someone if they were enjoying a holiday. Max was a little surprised. What did he think of the war? 'Never mind,' Henry said. 'You're lucky, you get a tent all to yourself. The Swamp is full, and we can't really stick you in the nurse's quarters, now can we?' Henry laughed heartily, and Max laughed along politely, wondering if maybe he'd been sent to Alice's Wonderland instead of Korea.
'Uh, sir? This is the 4077th MASH, right?' Max asked.
'Yeah, but don't bother calling me sir. I don't like it. Only Major Houlihan and Major Burns calls me "sir" and I really don't like it coming from them. Oh, and Radar. He's always been a little different to the rest of them. Just call me Henry,' the Colonel said.
'Alright, uh, Henry, I just want to know, how dangerous is it here?' Max asked him.
'Not very, unless you eat the food in the mess tent. That stuff'll put you in the hospital for a few days,' Henry said, looking very serious.
'Uh, right,' Max said.
'RADAR!' Henry yelled as the doors swung open and Radar walked in.
'Yes, sir?' Radar asked.
'One, call me Henry. Two, come after I've called you, not before, and three, show Max to his tent, show him the ropes and stuff,' Henry said. Max got up awkwardly and followed Radar out as Henry drained the rest of his scotch in one go.
'Is everyone a little weird like him?' Max asked Radar.
'No. Some of them are even weirder,' Radar told him. Max stopped.
'Like who?' he asked.
'Don't worry about it. They're all mostly harmless,' Radar said, picking up Max's bag. Max stuck close to Radar as they went out into the compound.
'So, how long have you been here?' Max asked.
'Me? Oh, a month. Came right at the beginning of the war,' Radar said cheerfully. He looked back at Max. 'Look, don't worry, you'll be fine. You settle in after a while, and get to know the ins and outs of the outfit,' he reassured him.
'I'm just a little worried about enemy planes and bombs and stuff,' Max admitted. 'Don't want to get killed.'
'Yeah, a lot of people here don't want to get killed. That's why a MASH unit is the best place to be positioned. Even if you are hit, there are plenty of doctors around,' Radar said, opening a tent door, and going inside. Max followed him and looked around. The tent was small and had little light coming in the one window at the back. There was a foot locker beside a small, uncomfortable looking cot, and a lone light bulb hung from a wire in the middle of the room.
'Well, it's probably lucky I don't have to share with anyone,' Max said, looking around, a little disappointed.
'Yeah, but you can decorate it, or something. Major Houlihan has her tent done up really nicely, and she's only been here two weeks,' Radar said, putting Max's bag down. 'Come on, I'll introduce you to some of the doctors.' Max followed Radar out of his tent and into the watery Korean sunshine again.
'How'd you get a nickname like Radar?' he asked.
'Well, you saw in Colonel Blake's office, I can tell what people are going to say. And hear things coming into camp. I knew you were coming a few minutes before anyone else saw the jeep,' Radar said. He lead Max to the tent in the middle of the compound, and Max saw a sign painted on the door, reading "The Swamp".
'Come on in,' someone called from inside. Radar opened the door and he and Max went in.
'This the guy who just came in?' one of the two men inside asked. He had light brown curly hair, and a martini glass in one hand. Although he was sitting down, from what Max could see, he was very tall. The other man was standing beside some weird science looking experiment, pouring himself a drink from a glass pitcher. He was tall as well, with bright blue eyes, and black hair.
'Captains Pierce,' Radar pointed to the dark haired one, 'and McIntyre. They're doctors here.'
'Pour you two a martini?' Pierce asked. 'And don't call me Captain, or Pierce, or sir, or Captain Pierce, or Captain Pierce sir, just call me Hawkeye.'
'And I'm Trapper,' the man with the brown hair held out his hand to Max.
'I'm Corporal Max Klinger,' he said, shaking Trapper's hand.
'Well, we sure as hell ain't going to call you Corporal Max Klinger all the time,' Hawkeye said, sitting down on an old looking chair. 'Do you have a nickname?'
'No,' Max replied. 'I'm beginning to think I'm the only one around without one.'
'You're right there. See the guy coming towards the tent now? The ugly one without any lips? His nickname is Ferret Face,' Trapper said, pointing through the see through canvas. Max looked. The guy they were talking about was ugly, a little like a ferret. His hair appeared to be thinning a little, and he was done up in full military uniform.
'Hey, Ferret face!' Hawkeye said as the man came through the door of the Swamp.
'That's Major Burns to you, you simpleton!' the man snapped.
'And hello to you to, Frank,' Trapper said. Major Burns glared at the two doctors, then noticed Max and Radar.
'Who's he?' he asked.
'Corporal Max Klinger, Mr Major Burns, sir!' Max said, scared at the evil looks the man was throwing in his direction.
'Don't feed his ego, please Max. It doesn't deserve it,' Hawkeye said lazily while Trapper laughed at "Mr Major Burns, sir".
'I do just as much as you do in the operating room!' Burns snapped.
'You do more,' Hawkeye said.
'Yeah, you take away their lives, instead of just saving them,' Trapper added. Burns glared at Max, as if he'd made the comments.
'If you were a true American, you'd have been out here weeks ago!' he hissed before leaving.
'What's his problem?' Max asked, feeling a little hurt.
'He doesn't like late comers to the war. Don't worry about Ferret Face, Max, he's the most GI man in the camp, and everyone hates him for it,' Hawkeye told him.
'I've decided I don't like ferrets,' Max said. Hawkeye and Trapper laughed.
'You're alright. Want a martini?' Trapper asked.
'Uh, no, I'm not really a big drinker,' Max replied.
'Neither is Radar. He isn't a big anything. Hang on, he's just not big!' Hawkeye joked. Radar and Max left, as Hawkeye and Trapper laughed.
'Are they always like that?' Max asked. 'Or are they better when they're sober?'
'Drunk, sober, they're always like that,' Radar muttered. 'They're good doctors, but I wish they wouldn't make fun of my height!'
'Come on, you're not that short,' Max said kindly. 'You're as tall as I am.' Radar glanced at Max and smiled.
'Thanks, Max,' he said.
'I really don't think I like that Frank Burns person, though,' Max said, seeing him a few meters away, knocking at a tent door.
'No, no one does,' Radar said. 'Well, you've seen the Swamp, and met all the doctors. You can see where the showers are from here, and if you go over later, it'll tell you when showering times are, and you can meet all the nurse's later. Did you want to see the mess tent?'
'Ok. What's the food like here? Henry didn't seem to think much of it,' Max said, following Radar towards the tent with "Officer's Mess" written above the door.
'Well, the food here is about as popular as Major Burns. But I think it's ok. You're allowed to eat as much as you like,' Radar said, a happy smile on his face at the thought of All-You-Can-Eat.
'Well, I thought there'd be more bombings, and more causalities for a MASH unit so close to the front,' Max said, a lot more calmer than he was when he first got to the 4077.
'Oh, they'll come. You watch,' Radar warned as they entered the tent. Max followed Radar in grabbing an army tray and getting served army slop. He stared at it as he followed Radar to a table and sat down.
'What is it?' he asked, poking something green on his plate with his fork.
'That?' Radar asked, mouth full of food. 'No-one knows, just eat it and hope for the best.'
'Who's the lady with the Major?' Max asked after looking around the tent. Radar looked.
'Oh, that's Major Houlihan. She's like Major Burns, except meaner, stricter, and harder to fool,' Radar replied, getting back to his eating. Max shrugged and went back to poking stuff on his tray.
'Hey, Radar? I think the grey stuff just moved,' he whispered after a while. Radar looked over.
'Oh, yeah, looks like bugs have been swimming in the mashed potatoes again,' he said before turning to his mountain high tray. 'Remind me to talk to the cook about that.'
'I don't think I'm hungry any more,' Max said, pushing the tray away.
'I'll have it!' Radar said eagerly, pulling the tray in front of him, and spooning the grey mush into his mouth. Feeling sick, Max turned away to see a man sitting at the end of their table, with his head down, and hands in his lap. He was wearing black clothes and there was a small silver cross on a necklace around his neck. Suddenly, he made a cross and looked at the food. He looked around and say Max looking at him.
'Not really the best food, is it?' he asked. Max shook his head. The man held his hand out. 'I'm Father Mulchay, the camp priest. You must be the new enlisted man we were expecting.' Max nodded.
'Yep. Corporal Max Klinger. It's nice to meet you, Father,' he said courteously. Father Mulchay smiled at Max.
'It's nice to meet you too, Corporal,' he said before beginning on his meal. Radar tapped Max on the shoulder.
'Anything else you particularly wanted to see?' he asked. Max stared down at Radar's trays.
'There is no way you could have finished off all of that,' he said in disbelief.
'Come on, I'll show you the supply room and stuff,' Radar said, standing up. Max walked after Radar in a daze. He jumped at a loud explosion.
'What the heck was that?' he demanded.
'Huh? Oh, enemy bombing. Or it might be ours. We get both,' Radar said idly. He looked back to see Max looking up at the sky as if it was going to fall on top of him. 'Max, it's ok. We very rarely get hit,' he told him.
'Yeah, thanks, Radar,' Max said, keeping an eye out for enemy planes.