Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, yada yada.

EPOV

It was supposed to be one of a huge, fun party, for it was the party everyone in school attended before winter break was over. We went back to school the next day. However, I was sitting by myself, off to the side, next to a table with snacks and a bowl of punch on it. I felt like I would inevitably feel at the upcoming prom.

"Look! It's Edward Cullen!"

My head snapped towards the sound—the sound of a dozen Twilight fangirls screaming. They rushed past me and struggled to tear down the disco ball that was hanging from the center of the ceiling.

Apparently, anything at all that sparkled was Edward Cullen. I sighed.

It was because of this whole "Twilight" mania that I was unable to find a suitable girlfriend. Apparently, because of this book, the ideal man had turned into a sparkly vampire who could read minds. Unfortunately, I would never be a sparkly vampire, and I there was no way I would ever be able to read minds.

That meant that I would never be able to find a girlfriend, and I'd never get married (unless I slipped a girl some pill that would make her succumb to my every command, but that didn't seem very likely). The only hope for my family's bloodline to continue was in my siblings.

Though, they weren't having the best time in that area, either. If the whole Twilight thing didn't die down by the time we were at our prime age, then Jasper, Emmett, and I were doomed to be single forever.

Oh, and we were also cursed with having the same names of the younger male vampires in the series. How terrible.

And the whole reason I was sitting alone at this party was because of Twilight.

Just great.

We attended Hoquiam High School, which is, undoubtedly, located in a town named Hoquiam. Hoquiam is one of the rainiest places in Washington State.

My brothers and I sat at a table with our friends Marie Alice Brondon, who just went by Alice, and Rosalie Hail. Had the two not been outsiders from the rest of our peers—Alice was too much of a fashionista to be accepted, and Rosalie was too self-absorbed—we would have sat by ourselves.

At the time, Alice was reading through the newest Marie Claire magazine, and Rosalie was using her pocket mirror to stare at herself. Jasper was at the far end of the table, slicing his pocket knife against his wrist. Out of the three of us Collins, he had suffered the most from the Twilight mania. He had turned emo.

The school lunches were horrible, not to mention terribly expensive, which was why none of us were eating anything. I was a thinker, and since there was nothing else to do in the cafeteria except eat—a right we were being denied off—I was daydreaming.

So, naturally, Emmett was the only one to notice that there was a new girl sitting at the table across from us. "Edward," he said, "there's a chick staring at us. We're totally in. I mean, if she isn't with the other Twilight girls."

I looked at her.

The very same moment I looked at her, I decided that there was no way it could be a girl, as it was far too hideous. Therefore, I would call the thing an "it."

It was very unattractive—hairy and obese. Huge pimples were growing on its nose and cheeks. Its eyes dripped an odd looking green substance. It turned to talk to the person next to her, and I saw that its teeth were extremely yellow.

"Emmett, why in the world would you want to be in with that?" I asked. "What the hell is it?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. As long as it's human, I'm cool. The economy is suffering in more ways than one. I'll take what I can get."

I shuddered. "How do you know that it's human?"

"Well…" He glared at me. "Look, I don't, okay? Our dad's a doctor… I'm sure that when I bring her—it —home, he can operate."

"Jesus Christ, what has this world come to?" Jasper yelled in the corner.

"Shut up, Jasper," Rosalie said. "Your shriek was so high-pitched that it almost broke my mirror. If anything happens to my mirror because of you, I'll sue."

Jasper sighed and scooted over to Rosalie. "Do you have black eyeliner?" he asked.

Emmett sighed. "Maybe we should give the new… thing to Jasper. He's the neediest."

I shook my head. "We can't give it to Jasper. We don't own it. It has the right to make its own choices." I frowned. "We should really find out what in the world it is."

"Oh, who cares? Look, one of us is going to get it. You don't seem very concerned, so I suppose it's me against Jasper."

I arched my eyebrows and stared at Jasper. He had already applied the eyeliner and was smothering black lipstick over his face. "I don't really think there's a competition."

BPOV

"You must be Chewbaccaella Duck, the new student," the secretary said as soon as I stepped up to her desk.

I smiled. "Actually, I just go by Bella. And everyone in the school knows who I am, right? I'm sure you've all been talking about my arrival. That's how you knew my name."

She stared at me with wide eyes before saying, "Actually, no. We received your transfer papers last week and I saw a picture of you. No one else in the world can be this ugly. We've begun to call you 'The Ugly Duckling.' That's how I knew."

I rolled my eyes. "You must have your definitions confused." I pulled out my pocket dictionary and turned to the correct page.

"Now, as you can see," I continued, "the definition of duck is:

A common water bird with webbed feet, short legs, and a broad flat beak. It is found all over the world, with the exception of Antarctica. Family: Anatidae

Obviously, I am not a duck. That is just my last name. I am a human, thank you."

"Oh, lord, how is that possible?" she whispered. For some reason she seemed petrified. Or maybe it was astonishment.

Yes—she was astonished by my intelligence. Obviously.

"I would like my school schedule now," I said. "Please make sure that I don't have an English class. I've already taken several years of the language. I believe I know how to speak it properly. I are a good learner."

"Are you serious?" she muttered, scanning over a piece of paper on her desk. After a minute, she finally took out a red pen from her drawer and crossed something out. "That room has a mirror, anyway. We don't need glass breaking in there when you pass by…"

She held up the piece of paper for me. "Here's your schedule. Please, take it and go away."

"Thank you!" I said, grabbing it. Our gazes met for a moment.

All of a sudden she fell back in her chair and started to twitch. "Oh my lord! Oh, God! She's so ugly! So ugly! What did I do to deserve this?"

I watched her twitch for another minute, and then skipped out of the room. I glanced at my schedule. The period where I would have English was crossed out in red ink. I smiled happily.

I'd spend that time reading my handy-dandy copy of Twilight.

Of course, everyone wanted to be my friend. The only reason they were keeping their distance from me and refusing to look me in the eye was because they were so shy. After my first period class, I managed to catch up with one of the people who were running down the hall.

I forgot her name, but after asking her if I could sit with her at lunch, she said something along the lines of, "God, no! Leave me alone!" That, of course, was code for, "Yes, Bella, I'd love for you to sit with me and my friends. I'll do anything you want, because you're the main character!"

I bought my lunch in the cafeteria—odd, after I did that, my wallet was empty—and I looked for the girl. She was sitting at a very crowded lunch table. There seemed to be no room left for another person, but that was impossible! She said she'd love for me to sit with her.

I walked over to the lunch table. My gazes locked with a small, fragile-looking girl. She immediately fell off her chair.

Happy, I skipped over to the now empty chair and sat down. "Thanks for holding my seat," I said, poking at her twitching body with my foot. "I really appreciate it."

The whole table had suddenly grown quiet. I shrugged and tried to bite into my apple. To my dismay, it was plastic. But I ate it anyway.

"Who are they?" I asked the girl who was sitting next to me.

There were five people at the table. There was a boy with honey blond hair, who was sitting in the back with a pained expression on his face, and a girl with golden hair, who was looking at herself in a mirror. A petite girl with spiky black hair was reading a magazine. The other two boys—the first a big, muscular boy with dark, curly hair, and the second a lanky, less bulky boy with bronze-colored hair—were staring at me.

The one with bronze-colored hair quickly turned away and started to the muscular one.

"Oh, them?" The girl sighed. "The blond girl is Rosalie Hail, and the small girl is Alice Brondon. The boys are all brothers; they're the Collins. Jasper, Emmett, and Edward."

I gasped. "Their names! Just like Twilight!"

The girl shook her head. "They're not vampires."

"How do you know?" I questioned. "Have any of you tried to find out?"

The girl shook her head. "It's not possible. We've seen them eat before. They bring bagged lunches sometimes. You'd just be wasting your time."

"Edward Cullen takes a bite out of a slice of pizza in the book," I contradicted.

"Their names are spelled differently."

I rolled my eyes. "Ever heard of disguises? Gosh, you're stupid." I glanced at their table again. For some reason, Jasper was putting on black lipstick. I smiled. Obviously, his one true love, Alice, was testing out some fashion technique on him.

But, wait… why was Edward all alone?

I gasped. "I'm Bella!"

"Who's stupid now?" the girl next to me muttered, scooting away.

I smiled. The events of Twilight were about to be repeated, except this time, better! Having read the books, I knew what was to happen. I could change it a little.

The first step would be getting to Edward without him suffering from the smell of my blood.