"I know that look Demeter", said The Rum Tum Tugger with a lifted eyebrow.
She forced her eyes from the area where the blanket barely touched his stomach. Barely. The small gap revealed nothing but a dark shade but she knew what hid beneath it. Her eyes met his where he lay on Munkustrap's side of the bed with his paws behind his head.
"Hm", was all she answered and dropped down to lay on her side of the bed. Next to him. It was not as if he had moved in the day Munk disappeared. He hadn't moved in at all actually. He just never went home anymore. And she loved him for it.
"I know that look Deme", he said again and rolled over to lie on his side, propped up on one elbow. His eyes looked at her intensely. She knew that look too. Had seen it a million times. Just not pointed at her. Or had she? she thought. Maybe a few times the last couple of days. But only briefly before looking away. Never had he acknowledged the response he must have caught in her eyes. The fire burning.
"Yeah, well we can't..." she started and looked up at the roof of the den.
"You know you want to", he said. His voice lower now. Yes, I know, she thought and felt his paw fall to rest on her thigh. Still, for now.
"Just not with you", she whispered.
"Well, me neither", he said and she glanced at him and saw him bite his lip. And hated that she found it attractive. They had hated each other. For a very long time. At least despised each other. Never accepting the others way of life. Never leaving the other just be either. But the day Munkustrap and Mistoffelees was supposed to be back and wasn't, he had been at her door. Checking up on her, making sure she was okay. She had hissed at him to leave her alone. But he never did. He was back the day after, and the day after that, and on the third day she let the door stay open and went back in to lie down on the bed. He sat down next to the bed and took her paw in his and that's when she felt how much he was shaking. And realised he was just as worried as she was. She felt a pang of guilt and squeezed his paw back.
She had never accepted the way he had been on and off with Mistoffelees for the last year. She had scolded him for it at least a dozen times and it was the only time she could see the faintest touch of red on his cheeks before he narrowed his eyes and bit back at her. On that third day she had realised that it was the way he always came back to Mistoffelees that really meant something. And now they were gone.
Tuggers paw made a small motion up her thigh before turning back down again to rest above her knee. She turned her face to look at him again.
"I know that look Deme", he repeated. Dark eyes looking into hers. Her face flushed but she didn't look away. "Just… close your eyes and pretend?" he begged and to her surprise she did. She had seen the sorrow in his eyes before she closed hers. Equally mixed with lust. Not for her. Never for her. And she, never for him.
On the seventh day of their disappearance he had slept on her floor. On the tenth day they woke up holding each others paws still. On the eleventh he never came. She had been so worried. Even more then for Tugger than Munk and Misto. She had looked for him the whole day and finally before the sun set Alonzo had picked her up and led her to Tugger without saying a word before he went out again organizing the searches for the two lost tribe members. Tugger was sitting alone with his face in his paws crying his heart out. Demeter didn't need to ask what made him feel that way. She knew their feelings were the same. She stroke him over the head and then put an arm around him, leading him back to her den. That night he slept on Munkustrap's side of the bed for the first time.
Demeter felt Tuggers paw stroke up her thigh a bit higher and felt him move on the bed next to her. She stiffened for a moment when she felt his lips on top of her collarbone before she melted into the touch. More than her face flushed hot as her whole body responded to the touch. The next touch of his lips came in the hollow above and he gently nudged a knee between hers. It had been three months since the disappearance. No sign of them whatsoever. They had no one else to talk to but each other. Not that they used that many words. They knew what the other meant anyway. Knew the pain. The loss. The hope still. Demeter wondered if they hadn't already known each other like this before, just never needing the other like they did now.
And now spring had come. And she was in heat.
Their bodies responded to that in a way that their minds never would. The need for being touched, being close, being taken had eaten at their minds for days. Slowly driving them crazy. Demeter could feel Tugger hover over her. His warm body not really pressing against hers yet. His breathing brushing her fur on the neck. Breathing so heavy it matched hers. She lifted her paw to the small of his back and allowed him to close the gap between them. His body pressing against hers, warm, heavy, hard. Kisses going up her neck, behind her ear, never touching her lips as if by an unspoken agreement. The heat of her body clouding her thoughts. But one strong feeling breaking through the thick barrier. Sorrow. Knowing this was not how it was supposed to to be. This was not what life was supposed to come to. Even now that life wasn't coming to her at all.
"I can't do this", she whispered. She wasn't even sure she had said it loud enough for him to hear. Or even out loud. But he stilled.
"It's okay", he said, pressing another kiss on her ear but creating a small gap between their bodies again.
"It's too..." she started but didn't know what word she looked for.
"I know", he said with a sigh and pushed back to lie on his back next to her.
"I will not be able to ignore this forever though", she whispered knowing her body would make sure she found a mate no matter the implications her mind may have. And knowing his body would make him respond to that.
"I'll be there for you", he said and held her paw. And she loved him for it.