AN:
Just a crappy ezria drabble I had to write. I was getting feelsies and I wrote this. I have a happier Ezria project coming up and some goofy one-shots to keep you patient while I write.
This is written in aria's point of view. Please enjoy, and I look forward to all feedback!
- Wolfie
CLOSED DOORS
A Wolfie Production
You'll kiss her, of course, because she's beautiful. And she's your age. And she's not some stupid schoolgirl from Iceland you picked up in in a bar. It make sense that you guys would be perfect for each other, right?
And I'm kinda floating around, the third wheel, the left over fated to watch you. Like the fairy tale I was supposed to be a part of until somebody ripped out my pages, the unfinished song, the words you'll sing to her.
But it shouldn't be a big deal because god fucking damnit she's just a girl, isn't she?
And I guess I'll be better, and I guess it'll be okay for me to sit and wait and just kind of cry because it almost worked. Oh, believe me, it could have, and maybe that's what hurts the most - the piece of the knife wedged in too far for me to pull out, it's not even bleeding, just a reminder that I let it happen.
She's beautiful, ha ha, not Aria, the "beautiful girl from Iceland" who was stupid enough to hook up with her teacher in a bar. It's like a slap to the face, I think, that we weren't worth it. That we could have but didn't happen.
Oh, but that's the worst part. The denial that it was there in my grasp but I didn't grab it, kind of like a mockingjay except I didn't kill this one, it's flying through the hall ways and screaming in my ears and I can't breathe anymore.
I'm small. I think I'm getting smaller. So small that I might disappear altogether, just a speck on your board, another student to speak with and fool around with and then erase all together and take her in your arms.
Like a romance novel, except I'm the character you never hear about, the broken heart in the background who can't possibly outshine the girl and her prince. I was stupid to try and maybe you were too.
Ah, but we weren't worth it. We could have been. But we weren't.
Stupid Aria wasn't worth it, the tiny girl wearing lace-up boots in summer and reading books and sitting with you and being so goddamn stupid because Aria is stupid, isn't she? The girl with the ugly dresses and messy hair, the sixteen-year old who kind of -
But you're learning. I'm just one of all the other students, aren't I? Just somebody else to relieve you until the one comes along? Maybe that's all I ever was from the start - not worth it, not worth it at all.
I'm glad my mom doesn't have to go through this, the feeling of not worth it. Sometimes I look in a mirror. Sometimes I see us - what we could have been. Then I blink and it's not us at all, it's me with my puffy eyes, never-good-enough Aria.
/\/\/\/\/\
Sometimes I wonder if you miss me. You probably don't. You're busy - you know, teaching and all that. You look back at me for a moment, hand pausing. The chalkboard sentence is unfinished, a line I want to follow but I'm not sure where it'll go.
I miss you.
You put it down, run a hand through your dark curls like I did before. I wonder if you're thinking about me, but most of all, I wonder if it's killing you like it's killing me. Probably not. You've got her, anyway, with perfect dark hair and beautiful curves and her eyes - oh, God.
I miss you.
You pause for a moment and laugh, a deep throaty laugh - yum, I hope she enjoys it like I do. And before I know it the world is flashing before me, I can hear your voice but all I see is my desk blurring and fading like a wet paper.
Oh. Because it is a wet paper. Quickly, I wipe away the tears - it's not worth it, it never was. Just another student for you to fool around with. I was the real fool to think more of it.
Maybe you did, sometime. Sometime, sometime, down the line before the fairy tale princess came along and whisked you away...
I miss you.
Your eyes are blue. Deep blue, like the ocean perhaps, so deep I could swim in it forever and ever, gorgeous tropical waters. But it's dangerous and dark and treacherous and I could drown, fifteen feet under with my hands reaching up.
I miss you.
"Does anybody have any questions?" you ask, clearing your throat. Your eyes meet mine briefly - ah, so briefly, a tiny piece of the ocean I want to call my own. You're gorgeous too. Perfect for each other.
I'm still shrinking, you know.
"Good," you murmur, and it's soft, so soft that I notice because it's a murmur I know all too well. You open your mouth, smiling a bit, and it kills me inside to see you happy because I could never do that.
Maybe I did, once. Perhaps once upon a time.
The bell rings, the shrill sound fails to rip through the canvas of illusions and flashbacks and remember when. "Well then," you laugh nervously, picking up your books. I don't move. "Have a nice day."
They trickle out of the class like a well and I'm left there by choice.
Then it really hits me. You're not going to kiss me or laugh at me or talk to me about books and French philosophers. I'm not going to be able to bring you coffee and bring you gourmet vending machine meals. I'm not going to be able to stay by your side and kiss in the rain - really, that's the only reason I look forward to the rain.
It's all gone now. A ripped up paper. The wrong side of the fairy tale.
I miss -
"I miss you," I blurt out before I can say anything. You look at me, frozen. But you're not, you're still, because you don't want to look at me. It's blurry again and I'm wiping at my cheeks furiously because hell on top of everything else God forbid I appear weak to you.
"I know."
cry cry cry -
"Are you happy?" I'm bitter, now, so bitter perhaps I'll bleed. Just a foolish hook up, not worth it, not me. Nobody's ever meant this much to me - the one bird I want to keep and love. The one I want to love me back.
"Maybe." Stop being so elusive.
cry cry cry -
"You'll kiss her, of course, because she's beautiful." I wrap my arms around my self. I'm humming a song - never been much of a singer until you came along. Ha. Imagine that.
just a song just a number just a girl -
You pause. But you don't look at me. You don't allow me that. "You know..." You trail off, hunched over your desk. I want you to look at me. You don't. You've got her, anyway. "I loved you."
liar liar liar liar liar LIAR -
"Liar." I struggle to keep my voice down and fail. It rises; several octaves. I'm hurt inside out, the voice raw and the insides sharp like broken glass. "If you did..."
You sigh. Out of what, I'm not completely sure. "Aria." Your voice is soft, that voice that was once for me. It still is, I suppose, but for all the wrong reasons. I still love the way you say my name. At least you leave me that.
"It could have worked, you know." I'm surprised at my voice - how small it is, and that's all I am. Small. I've never felt so small. Everything is falling apart in front of me and I'm letting go, you won't hold on. You were my anchor, time to set sail far away from here.
"It could have," you agree. I walk up and stand next to your desk, legs aching. Every part of me aches. I don't know what I hope to do. My eyes are puffy and I swipe at my cheeks.
"But it didn't." I almost reach for your hand. Almost.
"It just wasn't..." You trail off. We meet eyes; a fleeting moment of the ocean. You look away just as fast. It's too cold to swim, anyway. I'm hardly interested in anything of the sort.
"It wasn't worth it, was it?" Shrieking, why am I shrieking? Raw inside out and yet my voice still sounds shrill. Huh.
"Aria - "
I can't stop, the wounds are open and I wish you'd patch it up and kiss me and say it's gonna be okay because I still have things to hang onto, right? Right? I still have you... "Was I just another schoolgirl for you to fool around with?" My breath comes out ragged. "Another stupid foreigner for you to grope in the bar?"
I step forward, swinging my fists at you blindly. Like maybe I'll hit you back to your senses. I'm crying and hitting and I'm such a mess without you, my screaming's louder than my heartbeat -
"Aria." You growl. Are you mad at me, now? You grab my wrists, firmly, tightly - you're hurting me stop Ezra STOP
You let go, gently, gingerly, tenderly. A soft sob escapes my lips.
I fall to my knees. Just like a tower; the glass gives way. I'm on the ground, sobbing perhaps, wiping away at my face like the redness and every thing inside will melt away. You'll take me back because it's a bloody mistake we'll make it work anyhow.
Maybe we'll run away.
I'm wiping away at my face but the tears are too fast, and I just let them fall, utterly defeated, a tiny tower of cards burned down to ash. My throat constricts. I can't breathe. No. I can't. My heart nearly stops.
"I want to go back." I don't know what I'm saying. But you do. You sit beside me, and my heart flutters ever so softly. You smile at me, the blue eyes and the pieces of ocean. I'll bottle them up. "I want it back, Ezra."
Then there's an unspoken word that we both hear, louder than my sobs - please.
I miss you.
"I know." You reach out, or maybe it's my imagination. You pull your hand away swiftly; the silence is heavy. The hope falls. It's a dead butterfly. Ha. Like I didn't know that already - she's a bird and I'm a bug for God's sake.
Maybe you'll comfort me. You'll hold me again - we can still be friends? - and laugh like old times. I miss you. Everything about you and it's so cold and I just want -
I just want something too -
"Hold me?" I don't know where the words come from. They just do, a sudden tidal wave of force in the form of tiny, soft words because I'm so desperate and I can't imagine you doing that with her even though that's all that's ever been on my mind. Then, softer: "Like you used to?"
You reach for me again, softly, slowly - "Aria."
But then you pull away. You're standing over me like a giant, I'm sitting with my arms crossed, shivering even though it's summer outside. The cold is all in here, frozen. It's cold down here, Ezra, I think I've fallen the whole way down and I can't climb back up.
You back away from me, footsteps echoing. I know where you're going. The door closes shut and I'm alone, with the bitter cold whirling its way up my skin. Would anybody miss me? Not you, of course.
I miss you -
Perhaps if I wish hard enough we can go back to the good old days where we'd kiss in the car .
crycrycrycry -
Perhaps you'd comfort me and smooth my hair and whisper sweet things in my ear and we'd talk again where everything was too perfect to be mine.
hold me again like you used to -
You'd kiss me at the top of my head. You're warm, you know. I used to mooch off of you for heat. You didn't mind.
"Ezra?"
Nothing. The sound echoes off of the closed doors.
I let the tears fall, and this time, I don't bother to stop them. There's a tiny cry, a small sob of defeat and regret and mourning and wanting dear god come back I love you it was a mistake -
- and I'm all alone in the room with the closed doors.
I miss you.
e n d